So I've been stupid I know but could really do with some help

[insan1tyscartching]

I have been squirreling some money away to leave my husband. We've been married 27 years. He informed me this morning he is going to look at properties on Monday 120 miles away as he's leaving me, the relief is enormous tbh as I thought I'd be forced to leave our council property.He is both financially and emotionally abusive.
Now here comes the nasty bits we have a joint bank account, I have a card but have no access to the account itself he questions every penny I spend.He gives me a cash allowance for food that I have been trying to save by economising on food without him knowing. I have no idea what money he has, I just know he's looking to rent 4 bedroom detached properties by checking his emails. He's only taking the dog! He's deleted pretty much all emails but had missed that one asking if they would take a dog. I had no idea he had the means to finance that as he controls all the money.
We have two disabled children (well one is an adult) their disabliity benefits go in the joint account as does my carers allowance and tax credits,he controls that as well.He has sole use of the motability car that my son is entitled to. He is self employed he pays the rent and the council tax himself although it's a joint tenancy with me as first tenant. All utility bills are in his name as is dd's child benefit.
Please tell me what I need to do,I've been stupid I know but I am not stupid just totally worn down and at my wits end as I have single handedly raised our children and fought to get the support for my children alone. Dh has only superficial relationships with any of them (have adult dc as well) barely speaking to them unless about football with ds.

Just wanted to let you know I've been in touch with my dsis the last few days who I have been NC with for 12 years directly/indirectly because of h. Believe it or not I have five siblings that never see or speak to. We are going to get back to where we were pretty quickly I think,she's been lovely no recriminations just a listening ear. She's quite shocked to be hearing about a side she never knew about and we are both sad about the missing years but I think we will soon make up for lost time, I have to have her listed as unknown on my phone but that will change soon enough once he's gone. Hoping at some point in the next few days to be able to speak with her as we are only texting atm as it's safer for now.
Feel like life could be good pretty soon now

OP you are incredible! I'm in awe of you xx

Another supporter here :) well done OP!

It's not easy to get through something like this, it will be fabulous for you but if you hit a low moment don't forget to get support :)

When I was free of my EA very controlling ex partner I went through many different phases, and he did try to "get back in" at a couple of points had fabulous support thankfully, I was never going to let him back but he really pushed and having support just helped a lot!

7 years later I am with a wonder DP and the love of my life! You will be very happy :) I am so pleased for you, your stronger than you think

Penguine he is never coming back, no matter what, especially because I know he will emotionally abuse my dc before he goes as he has nothing left to lose. I'll fight to protect my dc whereas I've let him walk all over me. I'm starting divorce proceedings as soon as I possibly can,I want to be rid of him for good.
I'm finding myself a bit in all of this I think. The strong person who has repeatedly fought for the dc and won isn't an act that's who I really am,not the scared shadow who I am indoors. I'm going to harness the real me and be that person when dealing with h,I'm hoping he won't know what's hit him especially as for now he has no clue as to my actions so far as I continue to play my role at home extremely well.

Wow OP - you are simply amazing.
You are taking so many massive steps and taking back control of your life.
You've been extremely brave telling your DC and they sound pretty awesome as well.
Keep going, you are doing a brilliant job.

I knew once my ex had left he was never coming back and I certainly never wanted him too :)

You go lady!!! You sound amazing

Can I have any thoughts or advice for tomorrow please? I have my first appointment with a domestic abuse solicitor. I've had to be deceitful to even get there as it's at a time when h is home so will go to ds's in the opposite direction on the pre text of waiting for his landlord then will take a taxi to where I need to be before doing it in reverse in time for h to collect me to pick up dd. I know that once he gets anything from solicitor he will become unbearable so quite worried about that as he'll realise he's not going to get it all his own way and that I'm not as stupid as he thinks and nowhere near as cowed as he likes to believe .
Will take bank statements, photos,benefits letters, ID anything else? How much will they want to know I'm pretty embarrassed about what has been happening tbh.

As you are seeing someone with expertise re domestic abuse, they will have heard it all before, and, if you are like me after my first meeting to discuss divorce, you'll feel more in control afterwards. The solicitor won't do anything like sending stuff until you instruct them to.

Are you planning to divorce him? If so, eventually you'll need half a dozen or so examples of unreasonable behaviour, and your marriage certificate, though as this is the first meeting, perhaps you could just talk through the situation, the possible outcomes financially, and what your options are.

Gosh I don't know but that sounds like the bases are covered.

I would write down in bullet points examples of his unreasonable behaviour (examples of how abusive he is). I would write down the worst ones and then a list of 5 minimally unreasonable behaviours that could be used in a divorce petition as he is more likely to agree to these rather than contesting a petition IYSWIM

The only example of unreasonable behaviour you need is the fact he's moving out. That is unreasonable behaviour in the context of a marriage. Your solicitor can advise and confirm that.

Don't be embarrassed. This isnt your doing, but the solicitor needs to know what's been happening in order to help you. Hope your meeting goes well and you feel more powerful. And remember that secret isn't a secret any more, and you have your children's support.

Well the solicitor was very warm and approachable. She advised that the easiest way to get the money situation resolved was to petition for divorce so as to force h to declare what money there is and where so she is going to refer me to someone else who can begin that.She said he is foolish to think that after 28 years (I got that wrong) of marriage he would be able to walk away with everything leaving me with two dependent children so reassuring to know that I will get some of it. She confirmed that what I had been experiencing was financial and emotional abuse and advised me to speak to a GP. I have a well documented history of PND but have never mentioned the marriage as being a source of stress and anxiety (unless I did during the psychotic episodes and have no memory) so she is hoping that if,because we are now separating, I am able to confide in the GP that I have been subject to abuse for years then the GP would be able to support a legal aid application for my divorce. I can but try anyway.
She advised that I get statements on the joint bank account going back a year because she believes he has been planning this for a long time as the event that caused it was contrived and a bit too convenient.She also liked that I had photographed his records of his betting accounts because now we can specifically ask for the balances of each one that is recorded
She advised me to contact benefits and declare myself officially separated on Monday as he should have a tenancy then, swap the account that my benefits go into and tell the bank I want the account freezing because of a marriage breakdown to prevent him running up an overdraft. She also advised taking what money there is in there beforehand as it could take a while until benefits are sorted and I need to be able to live in the meantime.
I do feel a bit more sure of myself now, it was good to have it confirmed that even though he has never hit me he has been abusive because I needed it confirming. She warned that it may take a while to get sorted because he obviously won't give up the money willingly as he has moved it but it will be worth it in the long run.
So we're making progress and still he remains oblivious as I continue to play my role

You are unbelievably strong and organised despite your h's best efforts to keep you meek and downtrodden.
He will be expecting you to flounder and fail, possibly beg him to return , and just fucking look at you op!

You are incredible, OP! Your husband is a fucking sorry excuse for a man and father, you're doing brilliantly, all the very best to you!

Yeah, sounds like you found a fabulous solicitor and you are so close to freedom. Let's face it any money you get in the future is a bonus, the freedom from him is worth it alone.

And presumably you can claim on any pension he has...

Oh OP! I am reading and smiling!

I almost hope he does bring up the 25-year-ago incident with the DC so that they can just roll their eyes and say "yeah yeah, we know all about that!"

Keep going. We are all cheering you on

Yes !

You are going to have such an amazing future.. have a hug from me!

It was a solicitor through the local Women's Aid,she has a surgery at their office/residence twice a week so not only did I see her I have support from there when I need it too.
The solicitor said she can see it's over for me when she looks at me. She said you've made your mind up and there is no going back I can tell Told her I'd had great advice on here as she was impressed with the planning so far
Feel secretly chuffed that h is so unaware and I've sorted the bank and a solicitor right underneath his nose
Had to use ds's landlord as an excuse to get out of the house without raising suspicion so cleaned his kitchen and stripped and made up his bed whilst I was at his today,ds was a bit but very happy.

This is such a good thing for you. Do you feel safe?

I don't think he'd ever physically hurt me it's not his sort of thing and he'd know that my sons would never allow him to lay a finger on me. He's more for inflicting emotional pain on my dc to hurt me so no doubt he'll be spilling his bile at them before he goes but he's lost his ace because I've told them myself.
Tonight he's been pondering whether to leave the dog but take ds3 instead. I've said nothing more than if the dc want dog here it can stay if they aren't bothered and he doesn't want it I'd sort out having it rehomed because I'm not engaging in an argument or any real conversation with him. Not mentioned ds3 because he wouldn't go and h wouldn't want him so it's a pointless conversation and it's being done to provoke a reaction because he knows what I feel for ds3.
He'll be thinking I'm keeping quiet in the hope of appeasing him whereas I'm keeping quiet so that he thinks I'm still the pushover whilst I get stuff sorted

You absolutely rock! Yep. Agree completely about the dog. Act nonchalant. He's just trying to provoke a debate.
He can't just 'take' ds3 and as you say its a non point.
I'm just wondering if he thinks you aren't reacting to his announcement dramatically enough.. like he's pissed off you aren't begging him to stay?
I really hope he leaves..

I too wonder if was expecting you to crumble and ask him how you are going to cope without him sorting all the money etc.

Do you think he even realises that he won't see a penny of money that is related to the DC including the mobility car?

He will think that I'd be too scared to rock the boat so would let him keep it I think arguing that without the car I'm stopping the dc from seeing him because he's well aware I will put up with anything for the dc.
Instead I've got Motability number on my phone down to the right extension to report it as soon as he's gone.
He will be taking my meekness and silence as me wanting him to change his mind about going but there isn't a cat in hell's chance of that. He's most likely kicking himself tbh because it will be dawning soon enough that he has lost his personal maid.I still wonder whether it was a test to see whether I'd beg him to stay (through fear of the consequences) so he could put some other conditions on agreeing not to leave.