Livid!! Not refused any access etc yet being threatened with "court!"

[clashofclanswidow]

Sorry for long post but really need help! Part of this thread should probably be in Legal but posting here for traffic and hopefully experience!

I am so ANGRY at the moment!

I'm pregnant. My ExP left me for OW on the day of my 20 week scan. I'm now 34 weeks so a while ago now.

Can't believe he has done this to us BUT I have always been amicable for the sake of the kids - strong believer in it not being their fault, they're not weapons etc etc and I just want an easy life and to move on.

He has cancelled arrangements to have our DD at short notice (within hours) several times during these weeks and asked about the baby only once or twice over the whole 14 weeks he's been gone.

Other than arranging when he is actually going to see DD, we are no contact and it was working well.

Rightly or wrongly (and as per advice on here for my own mental wellbeing during remainder of this pregnancy) as he was the one to walk away, I have taking the stance that if he wanted to discuss either DD or baby, he could ask easily BUT he would have to be the one to initiate that contact. I was not going to chase him with updates, when he walked out on us.

Subsequently he has never asked about DD's life other than collection/drop offs and when he can see her and squat about baby.

Suddenly, out of the blue, he pipes up about baby names! In short, doesn't like the one I have chosen so far and lets call this reason A for him threatening court.

He also never asks about DD's life but as I am running out of time to sort everything on my own I have placed her in a nursery, with a good OFSTED grade on personal recommendation which is 10 minutes away as opposed to 5 (he doesn't drive)

He has kicked off and this is reason B he has threatened me with court because basically...I didn't put our DD in the same nursery as the one OW kids are already attending for their convenience!

He has not been in touch with me about any of this and now suddenly he is throwing his "rights" around like it's for fun!

We are not married and he is on birth certificate for DD.

I have since checked and learnt he did have a right to know about DD's nursery...

The stupid thing is, if he was just being reasonable with me, we could have had a conversation about it but can he now take me to court because of this?! That is the last thing I want to have to deal with right now! What would happen if he did?! It's not like I've done this or purpose or through spite, they offered me free 15 hours funding due to new circumstances!

Secondly baby's name...the verbal abuse he has given me lately, I am sorely tempted not to even name this man on the birth certificate - if it weren't for him being the same biological Dad to DD1!!

I'm so torn but again, it's not baby's fault and I don't want baby to ask later why DD1 had Dad on cert but not baby. Baby will also have Dad's surname for this reason (although it makes me upset)

But is it right he can still apply to court for her as well if I didn't register him if he continues with this abuse?! Would I have to attend court again and go through the rigmarole of all that?!

I would have named her by then anyway as he wouldn't be on the register - could he force me to have to change it?!

I don't want this to come across that I am some bitter, toxic ex. I have been more than amicable in the shitstorm I have been left with and now it is being thrown back in my face! Any advice anyone? Losing my mind all over again!

He is arguing that I have excluded him from everything, whereas he has not once asked! That's why I am angry =(

Please help!

It really sounds like you know how to handle him. He just caught you off-guard. Never reply immediately. It's the law

He is threatening you, basically saying 'do what I want or I'll take you to court'. If you say 'OK take me to court', that takes away the power of the threat.

Trying to relax this weekend sound like a good plan

I thinks he is being stirred up by the OW.
She & possibly her friends & family are asking questions about, what he is going to do? when is the baby due? OW probably wants to be know re how many kids she can expect to receive at her house, (fair) How much he is intending to pay for his share. How much he is going to have to pay for this 2nd child who "he isn't even allowed to have information about" How much time he is going to spend with his kids that she isn't interested in.
I suggest he has walked out of one relationship because he isn't an adult, & is now having to come up with some answers.. & in reality thought leaving was just leaving it all behind, but it's catching up with him.

Everytime he threatens it say as you wish.

Use the CSA calculator for maintenance. If he messes about with it then get them involved. Look at how much extra you will get with two children.
Look at whether this is worth it and whether you really want him on birth certificate.

In reality, if he is not on BC, Is he expected to pay for DC1, & collect & drop off. but blank DC2
How can refusing DC2s name on BC work?
Is he supposed to ignore 2nd child? what ever would that mean for the DC2?
imagine DC1 spending w/e with Daddy. DC2 at home wondering why.
in retrospect, I think this is would be setting you & the child/ren up for a life long hurt.

This is my problem mix. If he wasn't DD's biological Dad and there was no link and this was a new guy causing me problems...it would be an easier decision.

It's so awful because regardless of a birth certificate - I have wondered how involved he will be with DC2 in comparison to DD1. I couldn't put them through that and will hope I never have to cross that bridge, even if it was on his head.

Feeling a bit shook up today as when he has collected DD he had one of OWC with him! I know I have to deal with it but it was a bit of a rub in the face moment sadly. And now I am having to stop myself over-thinking that too. I didn't react though - in fact I didn't even talk to him.

It confirmed I don't think I could cope with him at my appointment though!

I think I'd move away as far as possible

Having him attend your appointment would only serve to cause you more heartache and surely you don't want to be party to a lie wherein he's posing as a doting father-to-be when nothing could be further from the truth.

As for turning up with one of the ow's dc today, words almost fail me. The fucking brass nerve of him! We know he's got no shame but this act alone goes to show that he is totally insensitive to the needs and feelings of his own dc while turning himself inside out to impress those of the ow.

Taking the wind out of this twunt's sails is going to be a pleasure...

the OW, is probably saying you live here, this is my life, you share it, or let's face it, your gone.
also they are probably hoping the 2 kids will become friends. if this is a long standing relationship for him, it would be better that way.
Although a slap in the face for OP

Having given some thought as to what manner of woman takes up with a man who has a heavily pg partner and a 2yo dc and moves him into her home and the lives of her dc within a very short time of knowing him, I can only assume that she is exceptionally emotionally needy and therefore I'm inclined to believe that he's calling the shots in Blissville and may be playing on her fear that he can, or will, return to you if she doesn't keep him sweet.

However, I don't discount the possibility that him turning up with one of her dc to collect dd shows an element of cunning on her part as few other non-verbal acts can more clearly indicate that 'they' are a family and, to my mind, it was a gesture calculated to rub your nose in it while also ensuring that the presence of her dc would preclude anything other than the most cursory conversation between you and him.

I get the feeling that your ex's ego knows no bounds, clash, but he may find that the ow is not as compliant to his whim and will as he may currently believe as I wouldn't be at all surprised if she becomes pg before the year is out.

Yes, not gonna lie, struggling today. Been quite tearful and trying to tell myself today is just another day.

Feels very shit for DD that she never gets any quality time with her Dad because the OWC will be there too. He has chosen it that way so their child free weekends coincide also.

Again it's nothing to do with me and I know she has enough love from me and my family & friends...but she'll never get him or at least his full attention to herself, how sad. I know she's only little but still. How selfish that he wouldn't have her when OWC are not there (not that that's their fault) so it's just him and DD at least (regardless of OW presence)

I know that just shows more who he is as a person, I'm just thinking out loud. These last few days are catching up with me now I am on my own, I think =( x

I had wondered what her motives were also really - as I don't see the desire in getting with a man who would have this emotional rollercoaster to deal with.

I concluded she was either insecure and he has charmed her like he did me years ago or she has been through something similar herself and as she is no longer with her kids father, means she does not see any forthcoming issues as she will have endured this herself and got through it so it must seem normal to her. Who knows. It was pretty much thoughts like those that I recognised I had to stop as they were not helping me get over it by trying to understand it if that makes sense.

Several thoughts have crossed my mind (annoyingly) from the innocence of the OWC just asking to tag along to the warped "Look, we are a family now" as you say. A pregnancy would not at all surprise me.

They're both in the exciting 'love's young dream' stage, and yes it's bloody selfish and adolescent. The fogs may clear in time. He is happily putting his dd's needs above his and the OW's fun time, and you're right about what that says about him.

He has no right whatever to be anywhere near your healthcare, and since he is no longer your partner he can't look for you to extend that trust and privilege. You can put perfectly reasonably in an email (for papertrail) that considering the stress of his leaving you while pregnant, managing a pregnancy and dc1 alone and the additional stress he is placing on you, none of which is at all good for you or your baby, your priority has to be the baby. Having him at the scan would increase your stress. What, practically, is the point of him being at that appointment other than to metaphorically piss on his territory?

Clash

Just because you said he could go, does not mean that you are obliged to up hold this. He has no rights over your body and if seeing him today, has caused stress and upset....this will only be magnified if he attends.

Email him and say sorry, but I no longer think it appropriate that you attend the scan with me.

As for the he's going to take you to court and he knows his rights, I would agree with him, tell him to do just that. Ultimately, this will require costs in time as well as money and he may not be bothered. If he is, then you have documented the times he has let your DD down by not showing up or changing plans.

I've written down what I'm planning on sending him, advising him that I don't want him there.

Made sure it sounds as much about baby as possible (obv it is) as I don't want it coming across that his presence there would bother me - don't want to stroke his ego anymore afterall

Please don't give any more of your power to him as he'll contjnue to get off on what he perceives to be your weakness where he's concerned.

I suggest you send him a one line missive saying that your appointment is being rescheduled and you will notify him of the revised date in due course.

After you've kept the appointment, send him a further email saying that it was not possible to reschedule the date and as, on reflection, you were of the opinion it was neither necessary nor desirable for him to attend you chose to go alone.

If he queries the 'rescheduling' simply reply to the effect that it was your intention to change the date but it was not possible to do so.

You owe him NO MORE than this and if you don't break the habit of explaining/justifying yourself to him you'll be giving him the inch that will enable him to keep taking the proverbial mile.

Whatever you do, don't send anything on any day/night that dd is with him as you'll come across as being attention seeking/needy.

You wouldn't be human if part of you isn't hoping/longing for a miracle to happen wherein all of the hurts of the past months are healed by his return or similar, but you know that's NOT going to happen and if he were to fall at your feet and beg forgiveness any happiness you may feel will be shortlived because he's shown in word and deed that he is devoid of integrity and therefore cannot be trusted to do right by you and/or your dc.

I know it's hard to break established patterns of behaviour, but you need to be as cunning as a barrel of monkeys and as ruthless as Genghis Khan where he's concerned - at least for the foreseeable future or until his enforced re-education is complete.

Argh, you're so right, what am I doing?! The way I had worded it, all I can see is that I was trying not to offend/upset/anger him, whereas I think I'm just trying to avoid further confrontation but I totally get what you mean!

That really is a habit I need to break...wow! Urgh, I hate this =(

If you're a people pleaser by nature it's doubly hard to batten down the hatches and blank those who offend you, but it has to be done otherwise they'll continue to metaphorically wipe their feet on, or wipe the floor with, you.

There won't be any "further confrontation" if you don't engage with him and I suggest you go back to Hillfarmer's post at13:17:20 on the previous page (4), print out a few copies and keep one by your bedside, one in your handbag, pin one up in the loo, and stick one to whatever you use to access this site.

If you're tempted to write anything to him run it by your pals here first. If you also bear in mind that there is a remote possibility that your words may be used in court, either for or against you, this may serve to ensure that any written/spoken communication you have with him is concise and and confined to the matter in hand/under debate.

A piece of advise I would give you is any correspondence do not reply for at least 24 hours... This gives you time to actually think about your response , post on here if you want to .

I've made a memo of all the key points people have offered to me so far.

So I will keep my communication straight to the point and not give any instant replies etc.

I will read throught the memo before engaging in reply so I am aware of his emotional blackmail etc and deal with it appropriately =) Thank you all so much x

Sounds like a good plan clash

Keep it short, factual, businesslike.

He is not your partner any more, so you don't need to concern yourself with his feelings. He has clearly shown that he is not at all concerned about yours.

On reflection, I have decided that I prefer that you do not attend medical appointments with me.

And then change the antenatal appointment, in case he turns up anyway.

And any "But it's my baby too!" responses can be answered with 'It's actually my body. It is not your baby until it's born. I've made my decision and I won't be discussing this any more.'

Thank you and yes, that would be a good response!

He actually mentioned still trying to get the time off to come, when he dropped DD off. I didn't want to get into it on my doorstep, so I said just said ok =/

Followed with please let me know if there's anything you need...yes for you not to threaten me with court would be good? Real Jekyl and Hyde he is! I can't argue with him as obviously I have DD wrapped around my legs.

Ah well. Another weekend dealt with, another step closer to being over it all =) I think that's the hard thing I've found this weekend.

Wanting to hate someone for everything but also still having feelings/emotions for someone is not easy to deal with at times! Glad I have DD back though. I really miss my little mate when she's gone!