Livid!! Not refused any access etc yet being threatened with "court!"

[clashofclanswidow]

Sorry for long post but really need help! Part of this thread should probably be in Legal but posting here for traffic and hopefully experience!

I am so ANGRY at the moment!

I'm pregnant. My ExP left me for OW on the day of my 20 week scan. I'm now 34 weeks so a while ago now.

Can't believe he has done this to us BUT I have always been amicable for the sake of the kids - strong believer in it not being their fault, they're not weapons etc etc and I just want an easy life and to move on.

He has cancelled arrangements to have our DD at short notice (within hours) several times during these weeks and asked about the baby only once or twice over the whole 14 weeks he's been gone.

Other than arranging when he is actually going to see DD, we are no contact and it was working well.

Rightly or wrongly (and as per advice on here for my own mental wellbeing during remainder of this pregnancy) as he was the one to walk away, I have taking the stance that if he wanted to discuss either DD or baby, he could ask easily BUT he would have to be the one to initiate that contact. I was not going to chase him with updates, when he walked out on us.

Subsequently he has never asked about DD's life other than collection/drop offs and when he can see her and squat about baby.

Suddenly, out of the blue, he pipes up about baby names! In short, doesn't like the one I have chosen so far and lets call this reason A for him threatening court.

He also never asks about DD's life but as I am running out of time to sort everything on my own I have placed her in a nursery, with a good OFSTED grade on personal recommendation which is 10 minutes away as opposed to 5 (he doesn't drive)

He has kicked off and this is reason B he has threatened me with court because basically...I didn't put our DD in the same nursery as the one OW kids are already attending for their convenience!

He has not been in touch with me about any of this and now suddenly he is throwing his "rights" around like it's for fun!

We are not married and he is on birth certificate for DD.

I have since checked and learnt he did have a right to know about DD's nursery...

The stupid thing is, if he was just being reasonable with me, we could have had a conversation about it but can he now take me to court because of this?! That is the last thing I want to have to deal with right now! What would happen if he did?! It's not like I've done this or purpose or through spite, they offered me free 15 hours funding due to new circumstances!

Secondly baby's name...the verbal abuse he has given me lately, I am sorely tempted not to even name this man on the birth certificate - if it weren't for him being the same biological Dad to DD1!!

I'm so torn but again, it's not baby's fault and I don't want baby to ask later why DD1 had Dad on cert but not baby. Baby will also have Dad's surname for this reason (although it makes me upset)

But is it right he can still apply to court for her as well if I didn't register him if he continues with this abuse?! Would I have to attend court again and go through the rigmarole of all that?!

I would have named her by then anyway as he wouldn't be on the register - could he force me to have to change it?!

I don't want this to come across that I am some bitter, toxic ex. I have been more than amicable in the shitstorm I have been left with and now it is being thrown back in my face! Any advice anyone? Losing my mind all over again!

He is arguing that I have excluded him from everything, whereas he has not once asked! That's why I am angry =(

Please help!

Oh no Essex, sounds highly unfair.

Maybe next time he brings up court though, I should suggest mediation (but still be prepared to go to court as with what you have just said) as maybe in mediation he would see he wouldn't get far in a court?!

Not sure how that works and will look into it tonight. Might even shut him up if it is an empty threat but now he thinks I am preparing to take him to court!

I feel like I've wound myself up again wondering will he or won't he but rather than worry what he is actually thinking, I will just gather the facts and evidence over time etc and see what happens!

The next time he says he's taking you to court - I'd smile at him, maybe manage a small shrug too, and say 'Be my guest' Act like you don't give a shit what he's going to do. He will think you know something he doesn't. It will take the wind out of his sails if you don't seem threatened by his threats

He leaves you for someone else while you are pregnant, and then wants to interfere with your daycare arrangements? And wants to name a baby he didn't stay around for? And has a list of requirements he'd like you to fulfil for his and his new girlfriend's convenience?

I like the idea of changing DD's last name to the same as yours, and using his last name for a middle name for her. Then both your DCs and you can share a last name. You are the one who will be bringing them up. He has fucked off.

Sorry you're having to deal with this while about to give birth

yes just say to him "yes my solicitor thinks court might be the only route as well' smile and shut the door on him!

This is very true yes, I might just do that!

Indeed fantastic (great username) Had a while to mull over what sort of people they are and as such have forced myself to become indifferent to them.

I think my post was just to gain confidence that a court wouldn't actually see I had done anything wrong but again, even I suppose I shouldn't just expect to them to think I'm right, even if it is the general output I've been given by posters.

Changing DD's last name would be a fight he would definitely make though (for no other reason than his own "pride" - how messed up) and I'm not sure I have the energy/patience/restraint etc in me atm to deal with that, otherwise I certainly would.

When they are older, if they ask what happened, I will not be slanderous but will be honest. They can change their names to suit if they choose. They will be "known as" my name though =)

Oh now I'm really stressed!

After all of this the other day... he has now just messaged to ask if he can come to the next midwife appointment?!

Other than the two scans, this will be the first appointment he has been to, if he shows up!

What the HELL is his game?!

Is he goading me so that if I'd have said no he'd have something to actually go to court with to say I'm stopping access???

Or has he actually realised he's been a twunt and is now feeling guilty for not being in touch?!

I can't cope with his erratic behaviour of late!

He was telling me about the bloody tattoo he had gotten of DD name the other day. This was not a conversation I cared to have btw, as I said we do NC except for kids but he asked how DD was and then dumped that on me!

...this is the same guy that can afford said tattoo but not buses/taxis to nursery

I don't even want to understand his behaviour - I just don't get why he is so up and down...it's unnerving!!!

He is playing the game as probably told too. Be careful as he will use this if he goes to court!!! I think you need to speak to him about what he does/doesn't get involved with and arrange what access will happen once baby is born. Get it agreed formally so no changing his mind!! I personally wouldn't even tell him when it is, you never got the text :). He can't pick and chose!!

Maybe he's pissed off you've let him go and aren't clinging to his ankles begging for him to come back

Something has happened, someone ( ) is influencing him somehow. Why should he suddenly about-face?

Of course you don't want him at the midwife appt! Don't even reply. Let him swing about and try not to get rattled by it - focus on what you want, keep your eyes on your own goals.

You are not under obligation to include him in your pre birth care.

He's trying to act as if you're in this together. You're not. He's fucked off.

A lengthy post which I hope will address the majority of your concerns is still in the making as I was press-ganged into doing some actual work this afternoon but it's a definite no to him attending midwife/antenatal appointments as he can't expect you to tolerate him playing the role of happy father-to-be when he left you at 20 weeks pg and shacked up with an ow and he'll be going off to play happy families with her when you leave the clinic/hospital.

Who does he think he is? We and the right minded world knowwhat he is, but he must be on another planet if he reckons what he's proposed is in any way acceptable. Doesn't he realise that having him in attendance will only serve to send your blood pressure sky high? Text back at your leisure, i.e tomorrow or over the weekend, saying that as you've made arrangements to be accompanied to all antenatal appointments his presence won't be necessary - please note you are not under any obligation whatsoever to tell him who will be accompanying you and you can elect to go alone if you so wish.

Stop stressing! It's not good for you and there's no need to rise to his bait when you're the one who's in charge of the fishing rod and can use it to beat him with. .

A midwife appointment is about your health - so say No, if you don't want him there.

(You also don't have to allow him into the hospital to visit, never mind the labour ward.)

There are two possible scenarios which would go some way to explaining his behaviour:

1. It's dawned on him that he will shortly be required to pay maintenance for 2 dc and he's thrown his toys out of the pram over dd1's nursery placement because he envisaged a situation where the ow could collect her along with her own dc on his watch and he's requesting addtional contact because if he can rack it up to 50/50 he won't have pay maintenance for her.

1. All is not well in Blissville and in expressing himself as wanting to attend midwife appointments he's laying what he hopes will be the path that will lead to you welcoming him back with open arms.

< lengthy post to follow soon... hopefully >

I go with scenario 1. or at the very least keeping options open !

Oh Goddess, thank you. Thanks all for your kindness! Actually thought I was coping alright with all of this shit until recent days!

Hadn't thought about the more days/less maintenance thing! Will be wary of that now!! That would be convenient wouldn't it now?!

I did flit across the idea that all may not be well in cloud cuckoo land and the rebound may be wearing thin? =/

For obvious reasons he is deluding himself if he thinks I will ever take him back but it does get into the back of my mind one day he could try and I fiercely hope this is not the reason (though I can't see him throwing "court" at me if he wanted to reconcile)

I have probably done the wrong thing now (should have waited to read all responses) but I replied with "date and time and OK" to him asking if he could be there because I really don't want him having ANY evidence, court or not, that I stopped him going but also more for the fact that if he does show up, I can show him that I don't need him there and he is just a spare part!

I will be strong, hold my head high and hope my hormones don't give out on me and remain totally nonchalent to his existence there...

...then go home and cry into a bag of cadburys chocolate buttons!

It sounds crazy but I want him to see after all the shit of the last few days that he doesn't have power over me and if any more crap occurs in the time between next appointments then obviously I will tell him where to stick his attendance!

Like I need him to see he can be as vile as he wants but my baby is all that matters. It sounds a bit mad now but it made sense in my head when I decided to write "ok"

Sorry to repeat my nugget of wisdom myself but he thinks that because he's paying he can dictate the terms. He is behaving like a consumer.

When there's us thinking a father pays because he loves his kids and steps up to the plate, no strings attached.

I may or may not repeat myself in future

You are allowed to change your mind re having your ex, who is not on your side any more, attend a private medical appointment for you and your body.
You really can, just because you've told him it doesn't mean you have to stick by that decision you can change your mind to protect yourself and your unborn baby from unnecessary stress.
If you feel you need to see him why not arrange to meet him afterwards with a sort of update, face to face instead of lying down in a vulnerable position

If he does come to the midwife appointment, it might be worth making sure that you discuss as much icky stuff (discharge, fanjo stuff, bleeding nipples etc) as possible so that he really doesn't want to come to the next one
My ex still controls 7 years later , and still believes that his CM means that he pays me to deal with day to day kids stuff so he doesn't have to - he pays to absolve himself of any responsibility (but also means I get 'management style' emails about how I could improve ffs) He's also massively litigious and has taken me to court umpteen times about bot all.

Best advice for you - as RP, do what the fuck YOU want and feel best for the kids(within reason) - 7 years of trying to be reasonable and show him how well I'm coping was horrific. A lightbulb moment not long ago gave me the guts to do what I felt was best for the kids, and that it didn't need justifying to him. Get there faster than me!!!

This is true - I will definitely decide what's best over the next couple of days. Mine and baby's health is paramount - not him and even if there were to be any repercussions later on, I could cross that bridge then. I'm confident I have good reason not to have him there.

Before recent events (this is how amicable I was trying to be) I was going to ask if he would meet with me in a neutral place, to sit and talk about what would happen re the birth and the days/weeks following so it was fair and we both knew where we stood (but mostly for my own peace of mind that I could lay down some ground rules) but now he is throwing his toys out of the pram it has put me right off!

I really don't want him having ANY evidence, court or not, that I stopped him going

Insofar as the law is concerned, in the absence of a court order to the contrary*, irrespective of whether the motherto-be is married to the father of her dc, cohabitating with him, or living separately from him, he has no legal right whatsoever to attend her antenatal and/or any other appointments or be present at the birth if she doesn't wish him to do so and she is under no obligation to tell him the dates of any such appointments or notify him when she goes into labour or provide a reason if she prefers to discuss her health/welfare of her unborn child with medical personnel in private.

You would be entirely within your rights to text him before your next appointment to say that you don't wish him to attend, or that you've made other plans, and he would not be able to use this against you in a court of law now or at any time in the future,

*Any such order would only be granted in exceptional circumstances which don't apply to your situation.

Honestly why have him at a midwife appointment? Would he take you to watch his next prostate exam? It's your body, your and baby's health. My husband didn't even come to most of mine. Your ex fucked off for the scan which is the interesting one for dads. The later appointments in my experience are blood tests and discussing piles, fat ankles and sleeplessness.

Phew - well that puts that to bed then. Least he can't add that to his list of "things to attempt to throw back in her face"

Got myself in a right mess now, it's really knocked me for six that after 3+ months he suddenly wants to attend appts and speak about baby again. I was mentally preparing myself for going alone as a coping mechanism!

There could be suspicious reasons but then that is me overthinking things again which I try avoid.

It's very easy to say he shouldn't attend with his recent twattish behaviour, believe me when I say I'm not ignoring you all but I just want him to be a "good" Dad to the kids, end of - I'm not interested in what he has done to me or the OW and my worry is if I stop him coming to this appointment when he is actually now showing an interest (previously having blamed the no contact for me apparently excluding him from these appointments til I corrected him!) will it stop him trying with them in the future?

Well aware that would be on his head, his decision, his choice etc but part of me will always wonder if my decision to stop him coming the first time he asks, would make him that way - it's something I'm gonna need a couple of days to think sensibly about I think =(

Trying to live day by day because the future is unpredictable but sometimes get too concious of mucking this up for DC's later down the line - even if ownus is on him!!

And I'm angry now as I still haven't spoken to anyone about the birth cert implications etc which is what I was meant to be doing because I've let this curve ball throw me off! Gah!!

I bet this is coming across like I'm still carrying a torch for him or secretly want him there for what it could lead to =( I really don't - I am just worried about the bigger picture (of which I am creating in my own head allbeit!)

In your situation if he was at my Midwife appointment, it would raise my blood pressure - which is unfortunate as that is one of the things that needs to be checked. So there are good medical reasons for him not being there.

And however much you encoursge him, let him get his own way etc. etc. You cannot make him a good Dad. To be honest he has already failed - by walking out on his pregnant partner.

You need to do what is best for you and your DC. And that includes showing the that women do not have to be doormats. Stand up for your rights.

He knows the time & place now. He can be there if he can be bothered. Do not speak of it again. DO NOT be his taxi. He can get the bus.
I would keep all communications minimal.
To be realistic. he walked out & now is with an OW within a couple of weeks. it's like musical chairs just WHO thinks they are entitled to call the shots after that?

That's my stance now - he knows, it's up to him if he comes or not. If I see him there, I see him there. If he doesn't come, I certainly won't chase for why.

Partially blaming myself for letting things he has done recently (e.g. cancelling on DD last minute) slide but I was looking after myself, DD and baby, rather than getting stressed in WW3. It's obvious by his actions he doesn't really care and shouting the odds for DD wouldn't change that.

Again the same reason that I know he went off with OW but for the sake or remaining sane through second half of my pregnancy, I've had to control my emotions. Wait until she is no longer in my womb...