Livid!! Not refused any access etc yet being threatened with "court!"

[clashofclanswidow]

Sorry for long post but really need help! Part of this thread should probably be in Legal but posting here for traffic and hopefully experience!

I am so ANGRY at the moment!

I'm pregnant. My ExP left me for OW on the day of my 20 week scan. I'm now 34 weeks so a while ago now.

Can't believe he has done this to us BUT I have always been amicable for the sake of the kids - strong believer in it not being their fault, they're not weapons etc etc and I just want an easy life and to move on.

He has cancelled arrangements to have our DD at short notice (within hours) several times during these weeks and asked about the baby only once or twice over the whole 14 weeks he's been gone.

Other than arranging when he is actually going to see DD, we are no contact and it was working well.

Rightly or wrongly (and as per advice on here for my own mental wellbeing during remainder of this pregnancy) as he was the one to walk away, I have taking the stance that if he wanted to discuss either DD or baby, he could ask easily BUT he would have to be the one to initiate that contact. I was not going to chase him with updates, when he walked out on us.

Subsequently he has never asked about DD's life other than collection/drop offs and when he can see her and squat about baby.

Suddenly, out of the blue, he pipes up about baby names! In short, doesn't like the one I have chosen so far and lets call this reason A for him threatening court.

He also never asks about DD's life but as I am running out of time to sort everything on my own I have placed her in a nursery, with a good OFSTED grade on personal recommendation which is 10 minutes away as opposed to 5 (he doesn't drive)

He has kicked off and this is reason B he has threatened me with court because basically...I didn't put our DD in the same nursery as the one OW kids are already attending for their convenience!

He has not been in touch with me about any of this and now suddenly he is throwing his "rights" around like it's for fun!

We are not married and he is on birth certificate for DD.

I have since checked and learnt he did have a right to know about DD's nursery...

The stupid thing is, if he was just being reasonable with me, we could have had a conversation about it but can he now take me to court because of this?! That is the last thing I want to have to deal with right now! What would happen if he did?! It's not like I've done this or purpose or through spite, they offered me free 15 hours funding due to new circumstances!

Secondly baby's name...the verbal abuse he has given me lately, I am sorely tempted not to even name this man on the birth certificate - if it weren't for him being the same biological Dad to DD1!!

I'm so torn but again, it's not baby's fault and I don't want baby to ask later why DD1 had Dad on cert but not baby. Baby will also have Dad's surname for this reason (although it makes me upset)

But is it right he can still apply to court for her as well if I didn't register him if he continues with this abuse?! Would I have to attend court again and go through the rigmarole of all that?!

I would have named her by then anyway as he wouldn't be on the register - could he force me to have to change it?!

I don't want this to come across that I am some bitter, toxic ex. I have been more than amicable in the shitstorm I have been left with and now it is being thrown back in my face! Any advice anyone? Losing my mind all over again!

He is arguing that I have excluded him from everything, whereas he has not once asked! That's why I am angry =(

Please help!

Another suggestion to bear in mind, if he does show up to the midwife appointment, you can ask him to leave the room at any point. Maybe he stays there for the chat at the beginning and then goes out of the room for the physical examination. Or maybe say you want to talk about something personal and ask him to leave. The midwife will have YOUR wellbeing as her priority and will back you up.

Don't beat yourself up about him letting dd down. He is a grown man and responsible for himself. If he chooses to be a shit father, that's up to him.

I wanted to make a few comments after reading all the thread.

Your emotions at this stage will be immensely raw.. Add in pregnancy hormones you sound like you are doing a fantastic job.

I would also want you to bear in mind he will be the kind of father he is going to be.. My Ex now doesn't see my DS.. I can look back and say in a way I made it too easy. I tried every which way to get him to step up to be a Dad . It was all laid on a plate..He let my son down so many times. My son started been affected by it so I had to make him make the decision if he was going to do it or not and stop chasing him to see his son.. I am not suggesting you are doing what I did but do bear in mind he is going to be what kind of dad he will... You will see sides of him you never expected.

Lastly do think about finding someone who will be there for you in labour... You do sound very much like you are worrying about his response to everything you do and when in labour you are at your most vulnerable... Labour is about you and getting the little one out safely. There is nothing saying he can't meet your little one when they are born but the labour you need someone there for you.

Can't really understand why he wants to be there - think it might just be for sake of hearing the heartbeat for the first time?! So yes, I might tell him he only needs to be present for that part.

I think that's the most shocking part of it really - how someone can go from being around their child daily...to once a week and not even come across bothered by it, just wow.

Definitely - if he wanted to see his kids, he would, it's as simple as really isn't it. He wasn't really hands on with her when he lived at home so why I expected different, I don't know! Naively assumed if he couldn't see her 24/7 he would make more effort to see her not swing the other way.

I have my birthing partners sorted - he isn't going to be one of them because I knew I would need people who actually want to be there and not be made to feel uncomfortable at a crucial time.

I think I've always worried what people thought of me throughout life - not just in this situation. I am slowly readjusting my thoughts to not give a damn about anyone elses opinions re this =)

I think you sound very caring & frankly too lovely for your XP.
You have tried everything to allow him to keep up relationship with his child, you accepted his changing plans & fuckwittery & in spite of him behaving despicably.
I would say do what is best for you now. enough of his manipulation. if it suits you to go along with his requests, all fine & good. If on the other hand it's not convenient. well he can get fucked

practise the MN reply:
" sorry, that doesn't work for me" & repeat !

I bet this is coming across like I'm still carrying a torch for him or secretly want him there for what it could lead to

No, I think you're being brilliant in the face of provocation. I think calm reasonableness is the best way to deal with twattishness, it only leaves him what a friend of mine calls the Vicky Pollard Defence:

^Did she allow you to come to the clinic with you?"
Yeabutnobutyeahbut

Did she suggest mediation before proceeding to court?
Yeabutnobutyeahbut

Is this her email making that offer?
Yeabutnobutyeahbut

I know it must be really hard, but the more reasonable you are, the more you're pushing up his blood pressure.

Good luck

my worry is if I stop him coming to this appointment when he is actually now showing an interest (previously having blamed the no contact for me apparently excluding him from these appointments til I corrected him!) will it stop him trying with them in the future?

Do you realise he has got you responding to a form of blackmail with this? Recognize that you are responding in a way that he has trained you to behave. You 'believe' that if you assert yourself now over your midwife appt, then he will 'punish' the children as a payback. Think about this. The only way to re-train yourself is to refuse to allow him to the appointment and see what happens. You need to take back control here. You have to assert yourself and refuse to be blackmailed. If you let him come to the appointment then he is still calling the shots. This is about controlling you. Don't let him. I can't express this strongly enough... this is what my XH did and I was so used to being punished or blackmailed, I would automatically try to do what he wanted so as to avoid consequences. I learnt that this is definitely not the way to get your life back. You need to start training him that you will not be a puppet on a string. Don't do it.

What have you got to lose? What sort of 'good' father would he be anyway, if he went into such a strop about not being invited to a minor midwife appointment that he decided to make his children suffer as a penalty? You need to look at this from that angle. At the moment all you can see are the 'risks' involved in not doing what he wants. You have to see through that 'risk' and realise that the only way you are ever going to get your own life back it to stand up to him and face him down. It is likely that he is a coward and he will back down. Alternatively, if he is so nasty that he will take it out on his children - then they don't need this arsehole in their lives either.

Lengthy reply re legal stuff almost finished and will be posted this afternoon as I'll be skiving working at home after lunch. .

However for further clarification, are you saying that he walked out on you at 20 weeks since when he has only had contact with dd once a week and that he has cancelled on one or more occasions during this 14 week period? How is contact facilitated? Does he collect dd from your home and return her at the appointed time and what day of the week does she get to see him? Does she stay with him overnight and, if so, does he have his own place?

When did he first introduce dd to the ow and her dc and did he do so after having discussed or pre-warned you that it was his intention for her to meet them? How is dd coping with the, presumably, abrupt change in her home circumstances? Does she talk about him and is she eager to see him? When will she begin attending the nursery you've chosen and will she be there full or part-time on weekdays?

Is he paying maintenance in accordance with CMS figures or is he paying more/less? Does he pay direct to your bank account and are his payments up to date?

The cynic realist in me says that he doesn't want to hear the "heartbeat" for the first time and that his request is merely part of one of the agendas I posited earlier; it's either his attempt at whitewashing making himself look good for purposes yet to be revealed, or it's going tits up with the ow and he'll be angling to get his feet back under your table because this this entitled arsehole doesn't see why he should have the hassle of living alone when he can prevail on women to cater to his every need spin those plates for him.

Of course it would be reasonable to assume that he wants to come to the appointment so he can care for his child while you are with the midwife.

Thank you Second.

Wow Hillfarmer, again another eye opening post for me. Hadn't really seen the blackmail side of it but when you put it like that...yikes.

Thank you so much goddess...in response...

Yes he told me after we had left the hospital and gotten home after the 20 weeks scan back in January, that he didn't want to be with me any more. At that point we arranged for him to have DD every Weds night and every weekend.

Due to him cancelling on her, I offered to reduce this to alternates e.g. week 1 = weds visit and week 2 = weekend visit and so on. He agreed. This was a month ago mid March.

Communication is via text and whats app. Very brief at the door "There's her bag" etc. He now collects from mine, at set times, since moving with OW. Previously I was dropping DD off at exMums.

Yes he has her overnight. No he doesn't have his own place. I can't be 100% on when DD met OW or OWC's as he was lying about the whole thing (I believed she was still going to exMum's until exMum said he hadn't been there) ExP has still not admitted to living there outright himself and is very cagey about it. It drives me mad but I had told him I didn't want to know when they were together as I couldn't bare thought of DD around OW.

DD doesn't actually seem bothered though. She is only 2 and has never uttered OW name but she no longer says Daddy much at all. It used to be each time the door went but now she isn't bothered. Only seems to register anything when he appears on doorstep to collect. Never seems bothered about leaving him when he drops her back off, no tears, tantrums etc. Just says bye.

She starts nursery next week - Morn sessions on Mon & Weds.

He is paying alongside what the online calc said on gov.uk website. He is up to date and pays via bank transfer (not standing order/direct debit etc)

Think I answered everything!

Please don't flame me for not seeming to care about his living arrangements and DD's involvement with OW! =( It kills me and it's been really hard not to kick off about it but the sort of person he is, he would have only gone behind my back to do what he wanted anyway and forced this issue and like I have said in earlier posts - I had to think of my wellbeing and stress levels for baby =(

My interest is solely confined to giving him a roasting how he would present were he to make good on his hackneyed threat to go to court and I have no intention of flaming you, clash.

The fact is that, as you know, parental responsibility does not give him the right to interfere with your day-to-day care of dd and the same applies to you when she's with him, unless of course there is reason to believe that she is at risk when in his care and, as I see it, that is a moot point which is worthy of further debate in due course.

Based on what you have said on this thread you have nothing whatsoever to fear from the family courts, but he would be extremely ill-advised to attempt to use the law to force you comply with his unreasonable demands.

Please to try to associate the 'c' word with a need to 'chill' rather than go into the type of panic mode that only serves to produce ill-considered, or unconsidered as the case may be, knee-jerk reactions that have you dancing to his tune when, in truth, you're the organ grinder and he's the monkey on a string.

Fwiw, his caginess about where he's living is more than sufficient to persuade me that he left your bed for the ow's in one easy movement.. Silly, silly,, man. Hoisting him with his own petard will be equivalent to a duckshoot.

I've been reading your thread calm but haven't commented, until now.

Can I ask, why have you agreed and why is he demanding that he attends your scan?

This is about control, it's about who is in charge and it's also about blackmail.

You are no longer together and as you are the one who is pregnant, then you are the one who should decide who attends what with you. To Accompany you is to support you and from what I have read....he is a man-child (and no it won't reflect badly on you if this is mentioned if it goes to court).

As you are only communicating via text etc, then it will be easier for you. Tell him having thought about it, you don't feel it nesscessary that he attends the scan with you. Tell him you will inform him of anything that is about the baby. When he kicks off which he will don't respond (because that is opening the lines of communication....meaning he can bully you) and ignore.

You sound lovely and are trying to be fair to him. However, he is abusing this and is trying to dictate. If he wants to co-parent, then he will have to learn the hard way that as primary and resident parent to your DC, there will be decisions made that he won't be privy too.

OP there is a massive difference between allowing the father of your child to be involved in the child's life and allowing him to be involved in medical discussions involving you. To put it frankly all the time the baby is inside you it is your call and your call alone.

Couples midwife appointments are a lovely team activity , he is clearlyu not a team player tell him where to go.

Re his objections to whatever name you have chosen I would struggle not to laugh in his face (and give the baby the same middle name)

Sorry, just realised its clash not calm

I agree with everything blind has said. your body, your call

Also, from this point on I wouldn't be disclosing to him any medical appointments that you are to have in the countdown to labour.

Call the baby what you like, even if he attends the registration I would stand firm on it personally, I would register the baby without him, as his name can be added to it at a later date.

If he does turn up to the appointment I would be sorely tempted when asked how everything is by the midwife to start off replying 'well it's been a very stressful time' then watch him squirm. Sorry not very helpful but I'm a cow like that.

As I said to Hurtandconfused on her thread, what kind of a father he is/will be is entirely down to him and not down to decisions you have made.

I feel like a bit of an idiot now for allowing him to know when it will be. Other than wanting to show him I didn't care, I think I was just in shock that he had asked after 14 weeks of nothing - still feel unsettled by the sudden turn around.

Will try relax about it this weekend and decide properly. At the moment, I'm not sure whether I am really bothered if he shows up or not!

I know people are saying it's manipulation of me if I let him but tbh, as I've got used to him not being there anyway, his presence seems null and void anyway and would probably be harder to deal with after in private, when the mind runs wild, than at the actual appointment (not that I would confess that to him but is worth thinking about)

Thank you for putting my mind at rest about the legal things Goddess =)

Ever the easily distracted proscratinator, I haven't started putting your mind at rest about the legal things, clash, but it will happen and, on reflection, perhaps it's better for it to evolve through our various dialogues as it will be easier to digest.

Out of curiosity, did he attend your 20 week scan which took place on the date he moved out of your home and were you aware that he intended to leave on that particular day?

Urgh...this is where it gets awful. We had actually been arguing since November =(

He was going out and getting drunk and all other manner of things, that was basically blowing the money we should have been saving for baby so I was getting increasingly frustrated with his actions and asked him to leave to sort himself out! He moved into his Mums. I know...

We tried to make it work from Nov to Dec but it was very difficult with what had been said and done but I know the OW was around a week or so before the actual scan date in Jan (I just didn't know she was an OW at that point otherwise I wouldn't have let him near me!)

I still presumed we would work on our relationship to remain a family until a comment he made on the drive home and after going seperate ways, we texted about confirming our relationship was over.

So although I didn't know he was intending to leave as such, we were going through difficult times. I just didn't think he'd drop everything (and don't know if he would have were there not someone else already lined up)

If anything, I actually thought the scan might have made him see what was more important, alas no - so no, I wasn't fully aware he intended to leave. I now think he didn't tell me this prior so I didn't stop him attending the scan.

If it's not too impertinent to ask, is this a planned pregnancy?

From what you've said, I strongly urge you to reconsider allowing him to attend your next antenatal appointment as I cannot see any way in which it will be productive to have him present and I fear that it will only cause you considerable upset and distress that you can well do without as you will, effectively, be revisting the last date he attended and subsequently left you high and dry within a matter of hours, if not minutes, of the scan.

I have no doubt that he wouldn't have left if he hadn't had the ow lined up and I suspect she was around for far longer than the 1 week that you're aware of.

Not planned but certainly not "unwanted". I have PCOS - haven't taken contraception in 5 years. Didn't think we'd have even have DD due to various tests. However had I have known he was unhappy...

Again, all very true. Thank you (and all) for your honesty and opinions x

So he was out spending the money for your baby on his OW?

You don't owe him anything, clash.

What terminology did he use in threatening court action for reason A and reason B? Has he said that he will take you to court if you don't agree with his unreasonable demands, or has he expressed himself as having no alternative but to apply to the courts if you don't do what he wants?

Am I correct in assuming that you haven't replied to that particular email as yet?

He said maybe courts is the best way, struggling to see another way as I am trying to make things difficult for him and there isn't a chance he won't fight me for it. Then kept mentioning his rights and that he would do something about it.

I did reply - told him he was heartless after everything he'd already put me through and I can't believe he would threaten a pregnant woman with court. I said a solicitor would see that I hadn't put up any barriers to communication about anything, so if he wanted to fork out thousands of pounds for nothing to go right ahead =/

How I dealt with this: yes maybe court is the way to go because I'might fed up of you threatening it every time you don't get what you want. It was a very short exchange. A year ago actually. Shockingly, still no court. I think you are probably wasting your breath trying to appeal to reason or talking about you OK. He only cares about himself.

Definitely wasting my breath, silly things to say but I was angry/shocked/upset at the time. In future I will definitely wait, go away and come back to it all later (which is what I usually do) but I had already held back on so much stuff before I guess I just got caught up in it all.

Next time, as I'm guessing there will be a next time, I am just going to tell him I agree about going to court as other posters have also said on other pages.

At least if he follows it through, I know it's not going to be the whole big drama I feared it might be!