Livid!! Not refused any access etc yet being threatened with "court!"

[clashofclanswidow]

Sorry for long post but really need help! Part of this thread should probably be in Legal but posting here for traffic and hopefully experience!

I am so ANGRY at the moment!

I'm pregnant. My ExP left me for OW on the day of my 20 week scan. I'm now 34 weeks so a while ago now.

Can't believe he has done this to us BUT I have always been amicable for the sake of the kids - strong believer in it not being their fault, they're not weapons etc etc and I just want an easy life and to move on.

He has cancelled arrangements to have our DD at short notice (within hours) several times during these weeks and asked about the baby only once or twice over the whole 14 weeks he's been gone.

Other than arranging when he is actually going to see DD, we are no contact and it was working well.

Rightly or wrongly (and as per advice on here for my own mental wellbeing during remainder of this pregnancy) as he was the one to walk away, I have taking the stance that if he wanted to discuss either DD or baby, he could ask easily BUT he would have to be the one to initiate that contact. I was not going to chase him with updates, when he walked out on us.

Subsequently he has never asked about DD's life other than collection/drop offs and when he can see her and squat about baby.

Suddenly, out of the blue, he pipes up about baby names! In short, doesn't like the one I have chosen so far and lets call this reason A for him threatening court.

He also never asks about DD's life but as I am running out of time to sort everything on my own I have placed her in a nursery, with a good OFSTED grade on personal recommendation which is 10 minutes away as opposed to 5 (he doesn't drive)

He has kicked off and this is reason B he has threatened me with court because basically...I didn't put our DD in the same nursery as the one OW kids are already attending for their convenience!

He has not been in touch with me about any of this and now suddenly he is throwing his "rights" around like it's for fun!

We are not married and he is on birth certificate for DD.

I have since checked and learnt he did have a right to know about DD's nursery...

The stupid thing is, if he was just being reasonable with me, we could have had a conversation about it but can he now take me to court because of this?! That is the last thing I want to have to deal with right now! What would happen if he did?! It's not like I've done this or purpose or through spite, they offered me free 15 hours funding due to new circumstances!

Secondly baby's name...the verbal abuse he has given me lately, I am sorely tempted not to even name this man on the birth certificate - if it weren't for him being the same biological Dad to DD1!!

I'm so torn but again, it's not baby's fault and I don't want baby to ask later why DD1 had Dad on cert but not baby. Baby will also have Dad's surname for this reason (although it makes me upset)

But is it right he can still apply to court for her as well if I didn't register him if he continues with this abuse?! Would I have to attend court again and go through the rigmarole of all that?!

I would have named her by then anyway as he wouldn't be on the register - could he force me to have to change it?!

I don't want this to come across that I am some bitter, toxic ex. I have been more than amicable in the shitstorm I have been left with and now it is being thrown back in my face! Any advice anyone? Losing my mind all over again!

He is arguing that I have excluded him from everything, whereas he has not once asked! That's why I am angry =(

Please help!

Also not wanting to run into your ex''s affair partner at nursery is a good reason to choose a different and high quality nursery.

When he has contact with dd, does he take her to see the ow and her dc?

Right, RE whether or not to name him on the birth certificate: you're not married so you can't name him. He can only name himself by actually attending with you to register the baby. Do you think he'd come to register the baby and behave reasonably towards you? Because if he can't behave reasonably, I wouldn't invite him. Or I'd invite him to meet me to register at a really inconvenient time that will get his back up.

He'll never manage to get a court to intervene in the baby's name. Nor will a court force you to move your eldest DD from a perfectly reasonable choice of nursery simply to cater for a parent who has her 2/14 days.

And that's if he's even serious about taking you to court. Very few are. The majority of parents who threaten court are sadly using it as a stick to beat the other with.

Thank you Cheese - I did wonder.

He does Goddess - was from quite early on. He has said they wouldn't even be in the same class but as they all spend time together outside the nursery, I didn't see why that info was relevant?

I know I can't put him on the certificate unless he attends but he has stated that he wants to be there (pre-arguments) to sign the register - which for the sake of things being the same for oldest DD, I was happy to agree to but now feel it could go against me.

The name is going to send me round in circles I feel and is why I'll be getting advice (only so I'm aware, I don't actually think he will see court through)

It is listed as part of his parental rights that he has a say on the name - which he would only get initially if he signs the certificate - but he would have to agree on the name to want to attend to sign in the first place! Ridiculous and = circles!!

I presume he can't apply for his parental rights BEFORE baby is even born and if he can't sign the register amicably with me then as you say, I can't see a judge would later force me to change a baby's name?! When I say this in my own head, I can't even believe I'm going to have to ring people about this!

I'm not being difficult here - I have picked a name I like and my family like because he was giving me NO clue for 3 months that he even wanted any involvement, let alone now trying to call the shots where baby is involved!

If he has parental responsibility, it means he has the right to be consulted on certain decisions relating to the child. It doesn't mean that you have to do what he says if you don't agree.

The courts will act in the best interesta if the child and it would not be in her best interests to move her from a nursery she is settled in.

You don't have to consult him regarding the name. Especially if you give his surname - no judge will think you unreasonable for choosing the first name.
I think he's full of shit, personally

You are not obliged to start acting as his PA for all things to do with the children. It looks as though your ex thinks that you ought to be doing all the organising as well as running after him for his approval. You don't work for him, you co-parent with him.

I think a bit of strategic compromise would be a good idea:- why not set up a special email just for you and he to communicate about your children. Don't text unless you absolutely have to, use the email. If you feel he should know something, use the email. If he texts you to say he won't have DD- confirm it by email.

Unless your ex completely changes his attitude, what will happen is that the email account will stand as a record of how little he does, or asks, or cares about your DD and the baby. So when he next threatens court (which, of course, you will refer to in an email) you can be confident you have got good evidence to show how distant, yet difficult, he is being.

Threatening to go to court and actually going to court are two different things. And as you say the decision's been taken now for this term. By the time you get to court (if you do) she'll be settled there.

As someone above said, courts only care about the child involved, they see couples at odds with each other all the time.

I can't imagine a court forcing you to change the name or the nursery.

Also, fwiw, my ex took me to court last year for ridiculous reasons and they can't take you to court until you've been to mediation first, or if one of you refuses mediation.

If he then refused to see sense in mediation and refused to compromise or come up with any reasonable arguments for name change/nursery then the courts would frown upon that.

Also as others have said, it's really not scary. I was terrified and I cried a lot and I'm nowhere near a wimp in everyday life but when I got there it is just literally a room with everyone sitting around and talking, almost like a classroom.

Hopefully he won't bother, as others have said its expensive! It took my ex 3 years of threatening me every time he didn't get his own way on somethings ridiculous to actually take me to court.

How horrid for you to be dealing with this while pregnant :( what an absolute shit. Good luck OP

Thank you all who have posted, you've really helped me calm down over this

I did read something about having to go through mediation first, if he did ever get to that point of forcing court and just been looking into what his rights actually "mean" with above posters saying all I have to do is consult with him and found this useful.

"However, the law recognises that the exercise of PR has to be realistic. For example, when a couple separate the person with whom the child lives is allowed to make all the day-to-day decisions about the child. Having PR does not give a non-resident parent the right to interfere in the day-to-day management of the child’s life."

So I feel a bit calmer now! Might sleep tonight (if I wasn't "blooming")

Cannot actually believe his behaviour and sorry some of you have been through bad situation but I'm really grateful for all your advice. X

Even if you are not married, they still have the same parental rights. I was taken to court by my ex ahole for access. He was given it, but because it wasn't on his terms, court with his preferred route.

If I was you, I would never consider giving the new baby the surname of your ex boyfriend, even tho he is the dad.

Call the baby whatever you want and don't put his name on the birth certificate (assuming you tell him when you are registering the baby). He is trying to bully you and don't let him. Keep a record of totally everything he does so if it does go to court you have proof of what kind of dad he is. Don't think he wont take you, mine threatened it and followed it through, he was controlling as well, but by taking me to court it delayed him seeing his LO when he could have had access the whole time

My STBXH constantly says I deny him access to the children.

We are in court next week.

I have kept a record inc screenshots of all the times he doesn't answer the phone to them, when they do speak to him (regularly) when he has promised to see them and let them down and loads of other bizarre stuff.

He cannot prove i don't let him see them because all the evidence is there that i bend over backwards.

Just keep a record of it all!!

Glad to see you've calmed down - I recommend 15 minutes with a cuppa and your feet up thinking blissful thoughts of white beaches and turquoise seas, or whatever visual scene is most appealing to you.

If you can bear with me for the next hour or so I'll attempt to alleviate your concerns so that you don't "have to ring people about this", but if you ring any helpline make it Rights of Women using the link that Winged has provided on page 1 as few Women's Aid workers are legally qualified and as the service is oversubscribed they'll be grateful not to receive a call to which they can only give general advice before referring you to a solicitor.

In the meantime please rest assured that you have nothing to fear from his bleatings and it should prove relatively easy to put him back in his box, so to speak.

Yes this is the thing. By threatening court, he is making things harder when I am more than prepared to deal with access - he is just making things worse (for himself no doubt)

He used to have her more but due to him changing things last minute (and me not wanting DD let down all the time) he actually agreed to seeing her less when I asked if that would work better! Now he is arguing he wants her more. Convenient...

I give up with him and at times I get very sick of holding back, rather than just calling him all names under the sun (wouldn't solve anything except make me look bad which I'm more wary of now due to these threats)

He has been "nice" again the last couple of days and made more effort to want to know about baby...makes me wonder why but I'm not going to let it stir things. Too little, too late but I am respectfully answering for now, although biting my tongue. Never thought I'd be going through all this in a million years!

Thank you goddess - the quote I pasted above was actually from Rights Of Women - will definitely be absorbing all that later when DD is tucked up in bed!

They all threaten court when they don't get their own way. And it has worked, leaving you terrified, and you are pregnant too! I very much doubt he will follow this through to anything at all, he is just using court to abuse you by the sounds of it!

You should be resting and relaxing not fretting over this! He should have regular every other weekend contact, perhaps an evening in between mid week. And to bully you like this over a sensible nursery move - well, would a court even be involved in this?

To my mind that particular page on the RofW website needs a rewrite as its starkness can serve to cause concern where none should arise. Of course the law can appear to be stark and individual interpretations of it can vary, but each case is judged on its merits and in the family courts the welfare and wellbeing of the child(ren) is paramount.

clash - it seems they throw court when things aren't their way! My ex does the same!
I hope your okay you don't need this stress!

With the name call baby what you want! If he doesn't like it tuff! With the surname it broke my heart giving baby his name too but I know why you want to do it!
Keep you head high you are doing nothing wrong he is just throwing his toys out his pram!!
Sending love x

He walked out.
You have found a nursery so you can organise your life, & financially it is more advantageous to you, & also possibly a better nursery.
I suggest its the OW who has remarked that it would be easier for her/him if the 2 children were at the same nursery, ditto putting her oar in re the name.
Change the DC1 name to your surname, don't put his name on DC2 birth cert.
Tell him to swing his hook. You are doing what is best for YOU, as he fucked off.
Think "cake" & "eat it" ......in his dreams.

True goddess, so even though RoW says that, I will still prepare just in case but as other posters have said - with welfare being paramount, I can't see a judge would be concerned unless the nursery was substandard in comparison, which it's not!

Hello Hurt hun, still following your thread in shock. Thank you for the love, sending mine in return xx

My friends and family who knew him, also seem to think his OW could have a hand in his recent opinions, wouldn't surprise me either but regardless of whether she does or not - it's still him choosing to be a total twunt with me.

Cake and eat it is definitely what he is like at the moment - seems to want all the glory of being a good Father with none of the responsibility, unless it suits him. Well no more! =)

Not true about mediation and court. I was booked in for an initial meeting but was accused of stalling as i couldnt attend straight away due to working full time and not having a baby sitter. Was taken to court without any mediation.

The risk is that you get to court and are then told to try mediation first if it hasn't already been attempted. I did mediation 10 weeks ago. Told as I didn't agree to all demands he would file to court immediately. Still waiting. ..