DH constant comments on weight

[gandalf456]

I am 45, have had two children. I am 5' 8" and 12.5 stone. I know that I am a bit overweight for my height and frame. I am not blind. I have a mirror but I am not morbidly obese either. I know it is dietrelated. I like good food and wine. He is a sports fanatic, hardly drinks and.picks like a bird.

Trouble is, he mentions it CONSTANTLY and has a go at me if I eat something like chocolate. He has always done this. Even when I was thin.

I am so angry with him that I feel like leaving or asking him to leave. I would like to lose a bit but it seems to matter more to him than me which I don't like.

I gave attached a photo too so you see what I mean. I'm a bit plump but not massive massive

We are the same height and weight.
It's an awesome look.
Your DH is a twat.
If you are unhappy with yourself, change. If he is unhappy, change him.
I think you look ace!

I don't think the whole "health/fitness fanaticism can alter one's judgment" defence really holds much water. It is one thing to hold a particular perception (wilfully or otherwise), quite another to actively belittle someone on the basis of that perception.

I had a recent pregnancy that was ended less than 8 weeks in, during which hormonal water retention etc saw me plump up a good 3 or 4 kilos (at least, I reckon). It wasn't a huge weight gain (size 10 garments formerly unworn for being too loose were suddenly visibly a bit too snug) but it was enough that a loved one/friend/colleague would probably notice if they looked more than fleetingly, as people are wont to do.

My partner is a fashion photographer. He didn't say a bloody word, and when I raised it in a very light-hearted, offhand manner (am v fortunate to be not at all funny about/preoccupied my weight) expressing irritation at the need to temporarily discard certain items of clothing, he didn't patronisingly deny reality, but nor did he make any negative remarks that sought to cloak passive-aggressive criticism under a veil of "professional view-warping".

This is it, really. Nobody is suggesting that people should be cosseted and shielded from the truth - to suggest so is, I would think, indicative of a view of women as being pretty pathetic creatures. Nevertheless, amongst the reasonable, it is human nature to reflexively avoid hurting somebody's feelings, and generally this will involve some degree of downplaying a potentially existent "problem".

If somebody is consistently making comments that can only be digested to produce feelings of being somehow lacking on the part of the recipient, it generally can only mean they've consciously decided to make that recipient feel bad with a view to that recipient altering their behaviour. That is a detestably cowardly, sour and self-absorbed way of carrying on, and at minimum they need to be bloody well told so.

Oh, and to add - although others have rightly pointed out that your actual weight is an irrelevance to the matter in hand - there is no way that if I passed you in the street I'd think of you as a large woman. No way.

An increased societal awareness of the dangers of excess weight is in itself commendable, butt as with so many things that suddenly take hold of the public consciousness, it has been misinterpreted by idiots and gone askew.

To imply that the same social/physical/psychological problems (and thus "remedies") apply to the "bit of a carb tummy" brigade as the morbidly obese is stupid and disingenuous. Yes, for most people there is a weight greater or lesser than their own at which their body would function optimally, but in being 10 pounds over it one is not only CLEARLY not putting one's life at risk, but it is also no business of anyone else's. The faux "concern" that somebody is a fraction off their optimum physical form seems mysteriously only to apply to body weight, when the reality is that we all do all manner of things that have mild to moderate detrimental effects upon us and yet (strangely!) these bastions of health altruism seem to be resoundingly quiet on just about all of them...

Brilliant posts brambly. What doesnt help with ppl seeing the bit of a carb tummy brigade the same as the morbidly obese is the fact that the women who are models are labelled as plus size from a size 12 right up to a size 30. Why is that spectrum so wide when the catwalk one is so small?

I feel so sorry for you, having to put up with such horrible comments.

I have been overweight most of our married life (25+ years) - my DH never makes any comment, I have recently for the millionth time lost a significant amount of weight so I know I look and feel a lot better - but my DH still doesn't comment, just as I don't comment on his baldness .

I despair of a society that seems so judgemental on 'appearance' although one of the benefits of getting older is that you realise what really matters in life - and it's not what you look like. .

Great posts brambly!

Thanks for posting. I don't actually think it is concern in any case. I think it's more he doesn't like fat women. He's more worried about my gaining weight than I am. It's the objectification I hate. The fact that my own body does not in fact feel like my own is, to me, actually very sexist. I always point out to him that I would not notice that he'd gained weight unless it was a lot.

Anyway, he has shut up about it for now. I think he has listened in respect of not wanting to hurt my feelings but I don't think I could realistically change his views deep down, which is disappointing.

Gandalf

Thats the thing though isnt it? You know hes thinking it. I couldnt even bring myself to get undressed in front of a man knowing he is thinking that let alone have sex with him.

Knobs like this still expect to have a decent to mind blowing sex life after criticizing and emotionally abusing because they are too damn thick and self centred to realise that a woman needs to be able to feel confident to enable this.

How on earth would he cope if God forbid you got ill and had to take medication which caused weight gain.

I remember a horrifying thread on AIBU where an MNer posted that her "D" H asked her to make sure she kept her mastectomy scar covered with a baby doll nightie because it was putting him off during sex.

OP i think you are married to a similar arsehole.

Hes still doing it isnt he OP?

I don't know if Bobo is in France, judging by her unhelpful and ever so smug (I'm taller and slimmer dahlings) comments. I'm guessing a more accurate location is 'up her own arse'.