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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH constant comments on weight

110 replies

gandalf456 · 13/04/2016 14:54

I am 45, have had two children. I am 5' 8" and 12.5 stone. I know that I am a bit overweight for my height and frame. I am not blind. I have a mirror but I am not morbidly obese either. I know it is dietrelated. I like good food and wine. He is a sports fanatic, hardly drinks and.picks like a bird.

Trouble is, he mentions it CONSTANTLY and has a go at me if I eat something like chocolate. He has always done this. Even when I was thin.

I am so angry with him that I feel like leaving or asking him to leave. I would like to lose a bit but it seems to matter more to him than me which I don't like.

I gave attached a photo too so you see what I mean. I'm a bit plump but not massive massive

OP posts:

Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 13/04/2016 15:56

bobochic posters think separation and divorce are better than living with a twat knacker.

Jan45 · 13/04/2016 15:58

I'm afraid I'd do as above too, if he feels the need to nit pick about something that honestly, after two kids is not even worth mentioning I'd constantly pick something about him back, his hair, his eyes, whatever it may be, maybe then he will actually realise his comments are unnecessary and hurtful!

Seems to be because you are not a sports fanatic and eat like a bird, you are somehow in the wrong when in fact he's the one with the problem.

BoboChic · 13/04/2016 15:58

The OP is overweight. She knows it, her husband knows it. The correct answer is not "run away from the unpalatable (forgive the pun) truth."

Jan45 · 13/04/2016 16:00

Bobo - overweight, have you got oversized specs on?

So explain why he criticised her weight when she was thin then?

blankmind · 13/04/2016 16:02

Can you record or make a note of what he says and how often he says it in a week, then present him with it and ask him what he would do if you picked on one part of his body and said the same negative things equally as often?

Couples sometimes unknowingly fall into a pattern of behaviour and then when one of them loses it, the other doesn't realise what they have done because they have been unchallenged for so long.

If that doesn't appeal, counter every one of his put-downs with variations on 'I feel so sorry for you, because the only way you can make yourself feel good is to be so unkind to me.'

KoalaDownUnder · 13/04/2016 16:03

It doesn't matter if she's overweight or not, Bobo. The actual weight is a red herring.

It could be extra weight, wrinkles, grey hair, bad skin, whatfuckingever. If you don't like a physical aspect of your partner, you don't harp on about it until you make them feel like shit.

BerylStreep · 13/04/2016 16:04

Bobochic are you a troll?

The OP has said that her DH has done this to her for years, no matter what her size. This isn't about her 'buckling down and losing a couple of stone.' It is about how someone who she is in a long term partnership with attempts to undermine her self esteem by constant criticism.

VimFuego101 · 13/04/2016 16:06

OP, you look fine to me. You are certainly not anywhere near obese. I am trying to lose weight and my goal is to end up looking like you and be a similar weight. Do you really want your children to hear you being criticized about your weight/eating and become paranoid about their own weight?

mumofthemonsters808 · 13/04/2016 16:07

I'm going to stick my neck out and offer a different perspective. When you are mad into fitness and healthy eating, it can alter your perception of people's body shapes. You can look at people differently and don't tend to see a person, you just see a body and think how it can be improved. I know not everyone does this, but it can happen, exercise is so addictive and infectious, and when it has got a grip of you, sometimes you want it to get a grip of the people around you. I know this because it has happened to me, I have seen my Oh beer belly in a different light but id never mention it to him, but I have thought about how he could get rid of it.I imagine your OH has this same obsession and is oblivious to how hurtful his comments are.

Branleuse · 13/04/2016 16:08

he needs to either shut up or fuck off.

Jan45 · 13/04/2016 16:09

Again, the OP has said he criticised her even when she was thin!

Guiltypleasures001 · 13/04/2016 16:11

I hope he doesn't start on the kids when they are older, I wonder how he really sees himself deep down, it's not about you it is about him.

yomellamoHelly · 13/04/2016 16:25

Have just asked my son what he thinks and he says your dh is crazy as there's no way anyone would call you fat. (I agree though I'd chose less flowery language.)
Fwiw I am the same as you height and weight wise. Think it's fairly inevitable as you get older / have kids / become time-poor and aren't able to indulge in skiving off to the gym to spend hours working out every other night and then ignore everything else and sleep afterwards because you gave it your all. Don't have time for fussy food either. Happy to eat the same as the kids and if possible with the kids as it sets good habits and saves me work. Your dh needs to consider the bigger picture.

lorelei9here · 13/04/2016 16:35

Bobo, what weight do you think someone that height would find "healthy"?

BoboChic · 13/04/2016 16:37

I'm a bit taller than the OP and a bit older and weigh about 9 stone. That's a healthy weight.

whyistherumgone · 13/04/2016 16:39

This makes me really sad. DP and I have a very jokey relationship where we say "mean" things to each other but in a very clearly playful way. For example, I called him a piglet after eating an entire bar of Dairy Milk the other night (family sized) but it was very clearly affectionate. I've recently been a bit down about my weight and when I spoke to DP about it - despite our usual jokey take on things - because he realised how it was affecting me, he said that I looked great but if I was unhappy about it we would get more active together/try and get on a health kick diet wise and clear all the crap out of the kitchen. He also said we would both do with getting fitter - not necessarily slimmer - for health reasons. I'm not going off on a tangeant for no reason I promise, I guess what I'm trying to say very inarticulately is that there is no excuse for what he's doing to you. Even if you have a banter-type relationship this is crossing a line and is just mean - and it's bound to make you get a complex. Imagine if you had grown up daughters and he started doing the same thing to them....FWIW I think you look great - I know it doesn't mean much coming from a stranger, but I really hope you don't start getting more down on yourself because of his comments. Things like this make me really mad.

Jan45 · 13/04/2016 16:40

Well fandabbydozy for you Bobo!

OP, you are no way overweight, you have a slight ponch which is completely understandable having had two pregnancies, I bet your OH would have the same if he had the power to give birth!

He eats like a bird, you enjoy your food, I do too and I am more than happy with my weight, next time he starts on you tell him his hair is looking very thin and he seems to have acquired loads of wrinkles, seriously, people like him only deserve the same treatment back, I guarantee the insults will stop.

hollinhurst84 · 13/04/2016 16:40

Health & weight aren't always fully connected. I'm healthy and a fair few stones heavier than the OP (5ft 10) and about 6 stone heavier than Bobo
But if you lost weight, the partner would find something else to pick about

Hillfarmer · 13/04/2016 16:45

Hi OP,

This is really unacceptable, what he is doing.

What he is doing is constant criticism, constant undermining, constant digs at your self-esteem. It is abusive. Awful, I don't know how you have stood it so far. Ask yourself 'what sort of person does this?'.

I agree with other posters. Next time he does it, ask him why he feels able to criticise and undermine you at every opportunity. Tell him you find it unacceptable and very cruel and if he does it again, then he is seriously putting your marriage at risk.

It is a nasty control thing, and if it wasn't about your weight (which of course is entirely fine and if you did a survey of all your friends and family they would say you are gorgeous as you are - this is the correct response from anyone who respects and loves you) - it would be something else. I think he is behaving abominably and you are right to question everything about your relationship. If he can be this cruel (and he is - it is deliberate and mean - how does he explain this?) to you, then he is showing you contempt, not love. You would be right to question whether he loves you everytime he brings this up.

And whatever his excuse (I'm trying to help you?? I want you to be healthy?? What's the matter, it's just the truth?) - there IS no excuse! He has to stop, and if he doesn't then it's a dealbreaker. This is symptomatic of an abusive partner, and abuse can take many forms.

Sorry OP, really feel for you. And I'd really like to be 12.5stone at the moment!

HelenaDove · 13/04/2016 17:04

OP He is being emotionally abusive. I used to be 21 stone and have lost ten stone. I weigh a bit more than 11 though because i have some (though not a huge amount) of loose skin. That happens sometimes when you have lost a lot of weight. Back when i lost the weight initially i was working ten hour night shifts so didnt have time to go to the gym during the day as i had to sleep and living in a small market town the whole place shuts down at 11pm. (just pre empting Bobos next post)

My doctor told me that no amount of excersise will shift loose skin. Ive had two women (both older women in the 50s 60s age group who should know better ) tell me that insistently that you can excsersise off loose skin . Closer and Heat have a lot to answer for and yes ive seen women in the aforementioned age group picking up these rags in our local Tesco.

A lot of ppl are very mentally abusive about matters like this and your DH is one of them OP.

My DH has never said one word of criticism to me at any size ive been.

Ive had a good few men ask me out not realising im married Its not men ive had criticism from. Its women over 55 and certain elements on here im sorry to say.

Lancelottie · 13/04/2016 17:12

Bobo is in France, I think. They have a different attitude to weight.

lorelei9here · 13/04/2016 17:15

Bobo, you and the OP are just at different ends of the healthy weight range for your hieught but both fine.

I've not been married op but I've been underweight and overweight with partners and they never commented.

BolshierAryaStark · 13/04/2016 17:30

OP as has already been said, the simple way to shift the only excess weight in your life is to dump the fucker.
There is nothing wrong with your size, he is just a cunt which he has proved by commenting when you weighed less. The issue is his, not yours.

pointythings · 13/04/2016 17:49

The fact that he did this when you were thinner says it all. You need to tell him to stop this, right now.

HelenaDove · 13/04/2016 17:58

YY Pointy Hes trying to keep her insecure and damage her confidence. Hes taking a big gamble because ive seen cases where this has backfired on blokes like him.

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