DH constant comments on weight

[gandalf456]

I am 45, have had two children. I am 5' 8" and 12.5 stone. I know that I am a bit overweight for my height and frame. I am not blind. I have a mirror but I am not morbidly obese either. I know it is dietrelated. I like good food and wine. He is a sports fanatic, hardly drinks and.picks like a bird.

Trouble is, he mentions it CONSTANTLY and has a go at me if I eat something like chocolate. He has always done this. Even when I was thin.

I am so angry with him that I feel like leaving or asking him to leave. I would like to lose a bit but it seems to matter more to him than me which I don't like.

I gave attached a photo too so you see what I mean. I'm a bit plump but not massive massive

Having deducted the 8lb that the camera add to its subjects and made allowance for the somewhat awkward way you are standing, I very much doubt that you look overweight in rl and more especially as women of your height and above can carry excess weight without it being as noticeable as it would be on their smaller sisters.

If you were to invest in a Spanx cami and a pair of M&S or Next slim and lift jeans you could transform your body shape in minutes, whereas it would take years of therapy for your h to resolve his issues around food and exercise and make himself over into a caring and respectful partner.

That said, imo you would benefit from 3 x 15 minute sessions of core exercises a week as carrying excess lbs particularly around the midriff and belly isn't healthy and can cause various undesirable medical conditions.

Fwiw, I am a natural glutton share your love of food and alcohol wine and way before the 5::2 diet become popularised I found that, providing I gave my digestive system a couple of days rest each week, I can indulge myself without gaining weight.

Leave him. He's a nasty bastard. How can you live like that?

goddess everyone could benefit from regular exercise, but the focus should be on fitness, not looks. OP's H has a different agenda.

I used to be 20 kilos heavier than I am now and am still losing, but my DH never once commented on my weight.

Pointy I too have recently lost 20kgs. I feel great for it, healthier and happier with how I look, but DH has never criticised my weight or made me feel that I am not attractive to him no matter what my size.

Contrast that with a guy I went out with when I was 18 (he was 28). When I put on a couple of pounds to my 8 stone frame, he told me he didn't fancy me any more because I had put on weight. In hindsight, he was hideously controlling and abusive in other ways too - he seemed to think I was some sort of Eliza Doolittle who would be shaped and moulded into the person he wanted me to be rather than just being me. He was a 'health nut' despite being quite porky, and droned on and on about his own health endlessly. I honestly don't know why on earth I put up with him for as long as I did. OP's description of her DH reminds me of this guy.

Thanks for all your comments.

I had a go at him tonight about it. He denies he does it much now and says I am fine as I am. And he says he certainly doesn't mean to upset me. I wonder if he genuinely doesn't realise he is doing it and can't help himself when he does. I will be keeping an eye on the comments more and relay them back to him and pull him up every time he does it.

Those who said he may have issues with his body are probably right, too. He is generally obsessive and I think the exercise and picky eating are part of it. He cannot let his hair down and enjoy himself. I am a bit more easy going.

I think the only reason I do put up with it is because I've been with him so long (20 yrs plus). I have changed a lot over the years, too, as has he. I am, generally speaking, a lot healthier than when I met him. I am more active, don't smoke now and drink a lot less. Unfortunately, motherhood and the years have not been kind.

I do want to lose a bit of weight but I'm not hung up on it. I think the key thing is that he would be, if it were him and he can't understand why I am not going on a diet and rushing down the gym.

And also, I resent being told to lose weight. It makes me feel like a child and makes me want to rebel like a child, too, and eat all manner of crap. He is making it an issue when it needn't have been. Unless it's a major health thing, my body is my business. I would not notice if he gained a few pounds and would only lecture if it were much more and it would be from a health perspective. I hate feeling as if my body is his property.

As the poster who is 9 stone and 5'10, I do think that is underweight. When I met him, I was 8.5 stone and I definitely fell into the underweight BMI range and you could see my ribs, which is not healthy either. I would be perfectly happy between 10-11 stone but no less.

Finally, no, he is not perfect. I could point out his imperfections all day if I wanted but I choose not to disrespect him and his feelings. It is a waste of negative energy. I could do that to prove a point, though, as has been suggested. It may be the only way this point will go in.

"He denies he does it much now and says I am fine as I am. And he says he certainly doesn't mean to upset me. I wonder if he genuinely doesn't realise he is doing it and can't help himself when he does."

He is gaslighting you. Do not fool yourself; he does know that he is doing it and he can help himself.

Does he criticise you about other things?

Blimey Bobo, I always thought from years and years of you droning on about your weight that you were an average height. I didn't realise you were also tall.

Does he criticise you about other things?

He used to but doesn't as much now.

Oh God, not another Diet Nazi. Im 5ft 7 and weigh the same. Had this with ex OH of 7 years, food faddist wanted me to be like him. I refused, though - but its hard isn't it, when you have a carping voice in the background when you want to enjoy your food. He became my food monitor. When he decided to fast for 2 days weekly and constantly lectured me in a nasty way for not joining him, I knew the writing was on the wall and the bloody pest had to go. I distinctly remember relaxing back on my settee and eating a strawberry cornetto once I'd hit the eject button. Blissful peace

& you look lovely by the way, nice figure. Tell him to shut up or get lost

He denies he does it much now...

He should not be doing it at all ever.

It is his issue. Does he have an eating disorder?

In your photo you look fine, honestly - normal weight dont look over weight. Hes being a dick. I would just say straight up that he isnt bloody gods gift to women and that i was going to leave.

I think you should pick him up on it every single time he does it - then if he doesn't stop you know he is all too well aware he's doing it

"Does he criticise you about other things?

He used to but doesn't as much now."

I agree with pointythings: he shouldn't be doing it at all, ever. Kind, constructive criticism is one thing, but this is not it.

What other things does he criticise you about?

Ex H did this for 15 years. Every day the first thought I had was "how big am I today".
I'm six feet and weighed eleven and a half stones.
He was obsessed with keeping fit yet wasn't exactly slimline.
Thank God I saw the light.
My new man thinks I'm gorgeous

I think you should lose some weight, 13 stone of him out of the door. You will feel so much better then. And fwiw you look grand.

I am fully prepared to be taken to bits here but. ..
My dh is overweight. He hasn't always been, and it's just through overeating, poor diet choices. He is actually very active and has a good level of fitness. But he's piled on weight in the past couple of years and honestly? I really hate it. It's pretty unattractive and I feel he needs a bit more self respect in terms of having less junk food etc. I have not commented on his weight the way your husband seems to have on yours, but I'm sure he knows I don't like it. (BTW I'm on my phone so can't see your pic). I just want to say that I don't like my partner being overweight - for shallow reasons but also because it sends poor messages to our kids. I do not know if you are overweight or not, but I do think there's far too much of an attitude in our society in general that being heavy is ok - it's really not, it's very bad for your health

I call concern trolling bingo!

Bobo if you are a fair bit taller than OP and 9 stone you must be underweight.

I know because I am the same height as the OP, going through a v stressful divorce and am verging on underweight at 8 stone 10.

Anyway, this is not about the OPs weight (though she is overweight and recognises that). The H sounds like an arse.

I'm just over 9st and 5ft 10 and I recently had an insurance medical and was told my weight was ideal
Anyway its not on the way he talks to you. My partner is becoming overweight and whilst I still find him attractive I am starting to worry about his health.
However as I am a decent thoughtful human being I keep my mouth shut about what he is piling in his!
If he mentions it himself maybe then will be the time to talk.
I gave up alcohol last year and when I proudly announced I was abstaining he was as proud as punch and declared that he had been concerned about my intake. I was a bit shocked but I know if he had said 'ooh Dona more wine again' ?
I would have been upset but carried on regardless..

Presuming age 45 (not sure why age makes a difference) and 9 stone 1, BMI NHS calculator says you are underweight. Are you 9 stone 3?

The thing that stands out to me is that he has always nagged the op about her eating habits regardless of her weight, so she could loose weight and he still wouldn't happily let her make her own choices without comment.

You look great, OP.

Bobo you are underweight and have an unhealthy attitude to weight and food.

I am overweight and also have an unhealthy attitude to food but I am capable of understanding what is healthy.

Op looks and is healthy and not overweight to my eye she may perhaps be a little overweight according to bmi which is now being deeply criticised in many medical areas. As much for the fact there are people a supposedly healthy weight but who carry their weight in unhealthy areas of the body and have more body fat, higher unhealthy cholesterol levels etc than someone else who is bmi overweight.

Food is my vice, I'm heavy at the moment but as every year will likely lose about a stone in the summer. I am veggie, barely drink, don't smoke or take Street drugs. I'm on medication which increases appetite and have a mobility issue which restricts exercise I can do I can't even swim at the moment (which I'm really missing). BUT my cholesterol, blood pressure, blood sugars etc are all healthy. My gp even says the only reason health wise for me to lose weight is to help the mobility (but even there it wouldn't make much difference)

My ex was/is like this. I was a size 6 when we met, the criticism began when I hit a size 8! By the time we split (he was cheating) it was constant and nasty including a nickname he called me in public! I was a size 10 by this point. We split, I lost a load of weight due to the stress, then I gained A LOT! By the time he got engaged to ow I was a size 16, guess who came crawling around? She was a size 8 when the got together, after 2 babies she was a size 10 and going to WW as he'd convinced her she was FAT! she only just qualified to go!

In my ex's case it's a sort of vanity, he is all about appearances, he was slim and fit himself usually (though developing a paunch and balding now!), but he valued himself on what others saw of his outward appearance stuff, what brand clothes he was wearing, his car, watch, phone...this extended to his wives being attractive (he was weirdly pleased when I went for a job interview at his place and his boss commented on my attractiveness). One of his most used and hurtful comments was 'I'm ashamed to be seen with you'.

My advice would be to leave or at least give a genuine ultimatum 'stop or I'll leave!'. But I don't think you will. So...every time he criticises you bring his attention to it but in an organised way, keep a tally, return the favour, at the very least say 'that hurt my feelings'.

There's a quote in pretty woman that psychologists know to be true 'the bad stuff is easier to believe'

Oprah did an experiment on her audience years ago (the subject I think was emotional/verbal abuse of children) where she had plants in the audience saying lots of comments they could smell something really stinky. Then Oprah did something like apologise (the audience thinking they weren't filming yet) for a drain problem or something, hands up who smelt it - and loads of the audience said they smelt it, also footage of them saying they could smell it as they queued. Then Oprah made the point if you're told every day, several times a day, by someone supposed to love you, that you're ugly/fat/stupid/cruel/evil etc eventually you believe it, cos why would they say it all the time?