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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH constant comments on weight

110 replies

gandalf456 · 13/04/2016 14:54

I am 45, have had two children. I am 5' 8" and 12.5 stone. I know that I am a bit overweight for my height and frame. I am not blind. I have a mirror but I am not morbidly obese either. I know it is dietrelated. I like good food and wine. He is a sports fanatic, hardly drinks and.picks like a bird.

Trouble is, he mentions it CONSTANTLY and has a go at me if I eat something like chocolate. He has always done this. Even when I was thin.

I am so angry with him that I feel like leaving or asking him to leave. I would like to lose a bit but it seems to matter more to him than me which I don't like.

I gave attached a photo too so you see what I mean. I'm a bit plump but not massive massive

DH constant comments on weight
OP posts:
Thefitfatty · 14/04/2016 06:37

You look fine OP. But that isn't the point is it? Whether you are morbidly obese, or whether or thin as a bird your partner should not be criticizing your weight and appearance constantly. If he was encouraging you to get more exercise, or eat a little healthier (in a supportive way), that would be one thing, you could say he was concerned about your health because he loves you. Criticizing is a ploy aimed to chip away at your confidence and self esteem and to build up his own.

KittyWindbag · 14/04/2016 06:58

Gandalf I just want to commend you on your classy response to the ruder comments, you know why you feel the way you feel and it has nothing to do with weight, it's about respect, as you say. I hope he makes an effort not to make these controlling comments any more, make him aware of it every time he does it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/04/2016 07:04

Gandalf

Its not you, its him.

Re your comment:-
I think the only reason I do put up with it is because I've been with him so long (20 yrs plus).

This is actually the "sunken costs fallacy" which is commonly seen in relationships. It keeps people in bad relationships far longer than they should.

It’s a mistake to think that the amount of investment in a relationship automatically adds value to that relationship. It doesn’t. The value of the relationship consists of what is happening in the present and in the future. The past is done. The past is useful in predicting the future, but the past by itself doesn’t actually add any value. The length of a relationship or the amount of effort put into a relationship doesn’t actually add value. If it’s clear that a relationship won’t serve you in the future, your previous investment in the relationship won’t change that.

Landoni112 · 14/04/2016 07:31

Op you look great, your dh is a mean man and needs to be shown this thread

GeekLove · 14/04/2016 07:39

Don't show him the thread but consider your options about how your life would be without him. What positive qualities does he show to you?

EasyToEatTiger · 14/04/2016 10:11

You look fabulous, OP! I have put on weight since dcs were born and it took YEARS till I didn't look about 6 months pregnant! I had an eating disorder for nearly 20 years, and still have a bit of a thing about being weighed, so I don't keep scales in the house. Stand tall and remember you have every right to be furious at being belittled. Tell him that his fingers are too short and one of his big toes is fat, or that the veins in his neck stick out too much. He could improve his appearance if he had different coloured hair/more/less of it..... GrinFlowers

springydaffs · 14/04/2016 10:12

I wish I looked like you!

sounds like he has an issue with his own body and expects you to follow suit. No, forces you to follow suit.

He's the one with the problem. But he's made it your problem.

What's the relationship like otherwise?

CheersMedea · 14/04/2016 11:34

whyistherumgone

DP and I have a very jokey relationship where we say "mean" things to each other but in a very clearly playful way. For example, I called him a piglet after eating an entire bar of Dairy Milk the other night (family sized) but it was very clearly affectionate

This kind of thing makes me crazy! This is a classic cover for bullying and emotional abuse I'm afraid. "It's just a joke! You are too sensitive! It's just playful"

It is NOT repeat NOT a joke to call someone a piglet or to say "mean" things to someone. They may not take offence at it because they are laid back, don't care or aren't bothered about their weight (or the current target of the meanness) - so you may find it an acceptable part of your relationship - but that's a different point.

It is nasty. There is NOTHING funny about insulting someone. Nothing at all. Explain how it's funny. You can't. Because it is just abusive.

The other thing about it is that (even if the other person isn't bothered and treats it as banter) that it fundamentally shows a lack of respect for your partner. Calling someone a piglet is disrespectful. It makes me cringe when people do this kind of thing in public; they don't realise how awful it looks and how they appear.

I'd take a close look at the way you and your DP interact to be honest.

NameChange30 · 14/04/2016 11:35

Oh come on.

Original poster
gandalf456 · 14/04/2016 13:10

What's the relationship like otherwise?

I think, as with many people with a young family, it's gone off the boil a bit. I'm having to think really hard about this. It may be my frame of mind but an ongoing issue with us is that I find him very nitpicky and obsessive. I have communicated that to him many a time (not always put like that) and this is going back before children, too. Sometimes he agrees and, thinking about it carefully, I think worrying about weight is an extension of this. I have also had similar with him panicking about my spending (not out of control by any stretch) or stressing about what needs to be done about the house (and it mostly does get done).

What I really want is for him to relax about everything. Nothing bad is going to happen. If he can relax, we can all relax because it has a knock on effect.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 14/04/2016 13:19

So he panics about your spending? Lets be clear i think you look great OP but losing weight costs money.

Eating healthily new clothes etc.

So how does he think in his mind you would achieve the former without doing the latter.

This and the fact he also criticised you when you were slimmer proves he is doing it just to bully.

TheSparrowhawk · 14/04/2016 13:41

It sounds like he suffers from anxiety and he takes it out on you.

Chinks123 · 14/04/2016 14:19

Bobo how rude?! "Your husband knows it" even if the OP was overweight, your husband criticising you is ok? A partner should stand by you no matter what not pick at you. Me and OH have both been through weight differences over the years, after DD I was very underweight (hormones) and he was there for me and was worried for my health not my size he recently put on weight, has lost it now, but as it wasn't a health issue I didn't give a toss, I love him fat or thin.

OP you are not overweight and you look lovely Smile Just honestly tell him that his picking hurts your feelings and needs to stop.

merrymouse · 14/04/2016 14:23

Well atleast you have identified that your weight isn't the real problem OP.

NameChange30 · 14/04/2016 14:33

"I find him very nitpicky and obsessive."
"I have also had similar with him panicking about my spending"
"If he can relax, we can all relax because it has a knock on effect"

In other words, he is critical and controlling, and his moods dominate the whole family.

This is not good, OP. Whatever causes his behaviour, whether it's anxiety or a deliberate desire to control you (or a bit of both), the effect on you is the same: you're walking on eggshells and your confidence is being eroded. That is not acceptable.

If there are no other signs of emotional abuse it might be a good idea to try couple's counselling to address his anxious, critical and controlling behaviour and the impact on your relationship and family life. However, if there are other signs of emotional abuse, couple's counselling is not recommended.

I don't think I could love someone like this tbh. If you can't feel relaxed and secure in their company, what's the point?

NameChange30 · 14/04/2016 14:39

Is he anxious in other situations (eg at work or in social situations) or just at home and with you?

Is he critical about other people (eg colleagues, family, friends) or just you?

The answers to those questions will provide clues about whether this is just anxiety (which would be treatable if he accepted he had a problem, decided to get treatment and engaged with it) or his personality and/or emotional abuse and control (which is much harder and often impossible to change).

The fact that he has always been this way suggest to me that it's not caused by the anxiety (unless he's had it for the entirety of your relationship!) but is more likely to be due to his personality which might be controlling and abusive.

Original poster
gandalf456 · 14/04/2016 15:53

I would say he's anxious about most things, yes. And, yes, he is critical of others too

OP posts:
EasyToEatTiger · 14/04/2016 16:12

And he's messing with your head with this 'old friend' of his. My husband is critical of others. I don't think it's an acceptable way to behave. No wonder he has no friends.

Fadingmemory · 14/04/2016 17:52

His complacency, a shallow, unfeeling nature and familiarity have bred in him a hurtful contempt for you. Have as much fun as you can with your DC. Call him The Stick Insect. When he questions you just tell him that you will continue until he stops his inappropriate and untrue remarks. IF he was concerned for your health, rather than how you look (and you look fine to me and no doubt feel fine too) he would, for example, participate in a healthy eating plan for you both. His picky eating habits sound very unhealthy, in all likelihood more unhealthy than your sometime treats. He sounds like no kind of catch.

NameChange30 · 14/04/2016 17:56

Given that he is generally anxious and critical I would suggest couple's counselling. But make sure you find a good therapist who will listen to your pov, recognise the issues and challenge him. They shouldn't take sides so if you feel ganged up on or worse afterwards, stop going.

Original poster
gandalf456 · 15/04/2016 09:19

After a massive ding dong last night (with me getting a bit nasty, too Blush and subsequently shocking him), he's said he won't do it anymore. We shall see.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/04/2016 09:22

he's said he won't do it anymore
Didn't he say that before?
Yes you still had a ding-dong last night!?
I'm glad you got all nasty on his ass!
Do it every time. Because this WON'T be the last time.

pallasathena · 15/04/2016 10:58

If you want to lose weight - not that I think you do - then do it for yourself and not for anyone else. If you want to change your style, clothes, hair then do it for you not for anyone else.
I had a smug, carping ex who used to sniff despairingly at me as I struggled to lose a lot of baby weight years ago. He enjoyed making me feel less than worthy and my self esteem disappeared in a fog of total confusion as to who I was.
Some of the residue of that time still remains if I'm honest. I can't take compliments for example... anyway, you do it for yourself. That's the lesson I learned and when people admire that new look, hairstyle, weight-loss whatever, tell them you did it for you - because you're awesome.

HelenaDove · 15/04/2016 16:49

Youve shocked him by standing up for yourself. Good.

hellsbells is right. Do it EVERY time.

If it were me though i wouldnt be able to live with waiting on tenterhooks for the next time he does it and i certainly wouldnt be able to bring myself to sleep with him. This attitude that he shows would erode any feeling i had.

roarfeckingroar · 15/04/2016 21:44

My 2 cents.

I have dealt with eating disorders on and off since early teens (28 now) and while I have it under control I still have serious anxiety issues and take a hefty dose of Sertraline, especially about food. I eat very, very healthily aside drinking a bit too much alcohol and exercise a lot. I'm 5"4 and a size 6-8.

DP on the other hand, who is gorgeous and wonderful and I adore, couldn't give a flying fuck about his weight and doesn't exercise aside walking. He is a little chubby around the middle but only a little. He has a serious sweet tooth which I do not and I have to work very, very hard to not make disparaging comments about what he is eating when in my mind - although I find him gorgeous - he is overweight. He isn't, I am projecting my own issues, and as such I don't say anything but I just cannot fathom why he eats any junk/doesn't exercise when he isn't as thin as he could be.

It sounds to me that your DH might have become a bit obsessed with exercise/diet and is projecting his own issues.

OR he is just a total wanker.

Only you know that. Either way the person who should love you the most should make you feel beautiful in yourself.

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