DH constant comments on weight

[gandalf456]

I am 45, have had two children. I am 5' 8" and 12.5 stone. I know that I am a bit overweight for my height and frame. I am not blind. I have a mirror but I am not morbidly obese either. I know it is dietrelated. I like good food and wine. He is a sports fanatic, hardly drinks and.picks like a bird.

Trouble is, he mentions it CONSTANTLY and has a go at me if I eat something like chocolate. He has always done this. Even when I was thin.

I am so angry with him that I feel like leaving or asking him to leave. I would like to lose a bit but it seems to matter more to him than me which I don't like.

I gave attached a photo too so you see what I mean. I'm a bit plump but not massive massive

Ask him to leave. It's unacceptable that he makes derogatory comments on your weight. Your actual weight is immaterial, he has no right to monitor and attempt to regulate you. A respectful partner wouldn't do this.

What advice would yo ugive your children if they came to you and said "mum, my boyfriend/girlfriend keeps belittling me, making me feel like shit, do you think I should just put up with it and diet for his sake?".

Tell him it's totally unacceptable!
If he does it again you would like him to leave. There's nothing wrong with you at all.

Dear Gandalf,

I am so sorry to hear this. The problem is not your size (by the way there's no problem with your size). The problem is the way his comments make you feel. They make you feel so bad that you have to take a photo of yourself to ratify THE TRUTH for yourself. He is making you very angry... but also unhappy.

Why does he feel this need to comment constantly? Have you asked him? It sounds as though he has some deep-seated issues surrounding food and body image / body dysmorphism. You can of course encourage him to seek help, but he probably won't.

It sounds as though his behaviour around this issue is picking away at your marriage and risking tearing it apart. If that's right, then it needs to be sorted out one way or another.

How does the conversation go when you both address the issue? That might help us to know how to help you...

It is unacceptable of him to constantly mention your weight. He's not a very nice thing to do at all and as you say you can see in mirrors so why does he feel the need to do this.

PS - You look fine to me! But that's not the point. The point is, are YOU happy with what you eat and drink? My husband also made an innocent comment when I lost a ton of weight due to breastfeeding my last child and it was obvious he appreciate thin me, but I also had to eat steamed broccoli and plain fish to get that thin. It sucked. I love my chocolate, my chips, my wine (in moderation), and have decided this time, fuck him, I don't want to starve myself just to get his appreciation. He'll just have to put up with it, or leave. But, that's just me.

LTB

Why you would stay with someone who constantly criticises your weight and eating is beyond me

Forgot to say, from the photo you posted I don't think your weight is a problem and after 2 children I'd say you look pretty good

Why do you think he's doing this? People don't go on about something without a reason. I'd suggest likely candidates for a reason are:

1. He's using it as a control mechanism to make you feel insecure (so less likely to leave him). This kind of behaviour is very common in a certain type of insecure man and can be so subtle it's undetectable. Victim often doesn't even notice until years later that the partner had gone out of his way to make her feel inadequate, insecure, SO lucky to have him and at the same time that he is desired by all women who cross his path. I'm exaggerating obv but it is not that clear cut. It's very drip drip like "one of the guys at work told me that Sophie in accounts said I was looking in shape" after you've said he looks good in his new shirt.
2. He's genuinely bothered by you putting on weight for health reasons. Doubtful because he'd probably be more direct about it and be trying to get you to go to the gym with him. But you never know.
3. He's genuinely bothered by you putting on weight because he finds it a massive sexual turn off and fears he won't fancy you in future if you don't lose weight (or is already on the way to feeling like that). Possible - you can assess how likely you think that is and whether you care.
4. He's planning to have an affair (or is already) and is laying the ground work (either consciously or unconsciously) for his defence if/when he gets caught out.

What do you think? The reason for it is actually important because it will tell you whether it's something that you think you can resolve with him by talking or whether it's something that you will never change.

Oh and ditto to what Pinkheart said - obviously you look fine and you really don't have a weight issue.

He has always done this. Even when I was thin

This is significant for me. He's insecure and wants you to feel lesser than him. He wants to keep you in your place and always has.

I have a relative like this. He has destroyed his wife over the years.

I was with a guy in my early 20s who was exactly like this. He was massively obsessed with my weight, up to the point of telling me what I could and couldn't eat, loudly comparing me to other women, telling me that what I wore would look great if I didn't have such a fat gut, calling me 'fat boy' in order to make me go to the gym whilst he sat on his arse eating ice cream, and actually suggesting - in all seriousness - that if I ate nothing but lettuce, I'd never get fat.

I was a size 6-8, and a 10 after being put on lithium for a while. He chipped away - no, forget that, hacked great chunks from my self esteem, and now I'm in my 30s and have never really got any sense of self worth back, despite having a DH who loves how I look (I'm a good 2st heavier these days). How I'd love to look the way I did then, without constantly feeling ugly!

Sweetheart, you are FAR from fat. There is nothing wrong with you. I never rush to say LTB, but you really need to think about what you're getting out of this relationship. Please don't let this arsehole make you think badly of yourself.

My ex believed himself to be perfect in every way shape and form, and completely believed that he deserved nothing but what he considered to be 'the best'. I can see now that I wasn't HIS best - I was far too fucking good for him!

The thing is, it's like smoking.
The more people tell you to quit the more you dig your heels in.
It's human nature.
So the more he goes on about it the less likely you are to bother at all.
In fact, you are probably thinking, fuck you I'll do what I want as I'm a grown up!
I do think it's disrespectful as well.
I have gained weight recently. My OH wouldn't say anything.
He loves me for me and not what I look like.
I will lose weight but in my own time.
Like you I'm not massively overweight. But size 12 does not suit me and I need to get it down, at 5ft 3" I am too big and I know it.
But he needs to either stop it or leave.
I can guarantee if he leaves the weight will come off as and when it chooses to.

There is nothing at all wrong with your weight, however there is everything wrong with your DH!

I am 5 ft 3 and weigh 11 stones, I KNOW I am overweight but if I mention it to my OH, he says " don't be daft, you are gorgeous" ( yes, I know he is fibbing but he would never say anything to hurt me.

Your DH sounds like a bit of a control freak to me. What happens if you go on a diet and lose a load of weight? what would he nitpick at then?

Next time he says it have your reply ready.
'Well DH, I have a found a way to lose 11 stone (insert correct weight here) of dead weight almost instantly. So pack your bags and fuck off'
Job done!

I am also a bit over for my height ( turns away from biscuit tin in resolute fashion). If I ask my partner for an honest opinion he will give it, which is that he loves me how I am. Nobody's perfect.

I'm amazed you've put up with years of insults. Ask yourself; if he did walk out the door, how would you feel? if the answer is 'relieved' then tell him to shape up or ship out.

You don't look plump at all, in fact you look great regardless of even having kids.

I'm a bit puzzled by other posters thinking they are overweight at 11 stone, or size 12.

I'm 5,3 and weight nearly 11 stone and I think and get told all the time I look great!

Sorry but he's got some bloody cheek, if he can't love you as you are get rid, I bet he's no Brad Pitt.

I hear you Jan, I'm the same height as you and only a few lbs less and everyone thinks I look good which doesn't help.
Because I'm not happy with my weight.
I am used to being slimmer.

OP, after these responses what are you thinking?

You look lovely!

He's being a despicable partner to you.

According to you bmi you less than a stone overweight but part of what should be considered is your measurements which imo don't look from the pic would be in the danger zone.

My dp has loved me at 9.5 stone, he's loved me at 14.5 stone and has never been horrible at any point in between. Even if his preference might be when I'm at a healthy weight I don't know as he's never made any difference of me

Currently I'm an inch less than you but the same weight and in clothes im happy but want to lose a stone for health reasons.

Tell him straight he is absolutely not to mention your weight or what you eat again or your leaving him and tell him why. He sounds very manipulative and I bet he isn't exactly an Adonis himself is he? But then you don't exp that of him op!

You aren't overweight
Going strictly by BMI you are a tiny smidge above an ideal weight
If he wants an underweight partner, I suggest he find one
I say this as someone who spent most of her life underweight so it's not a criticism of those who are
My point is he is being cruel to you and has no clue about a healthy weight either.

I think the question is, you've put up with this shit for so many years. Why have you suddenly had enough? Have you just woken up to the fact that he's got no fucking right to do you down? If so, good for you. Tell him once to shut the hell up about your weight. Then if he does it again, you'll know what to do.

Also, I bet if you stop to think about it, it's not the only way he puts you down?

He sounds horrible! Does he have any good points? Surely as a husband/wife one of your jobs is to make your partner feel good about themselves. There's nothing wrong with honesty but there are ways of saying it! You have a bit of a mum tum but who doesn't?!

What a ridiculous thread. Posters think separation/divorce is a more appropriate response than buckling down and leading a healthier lifestyle to lose a couple of stone? Come on...

Is your DH otherwise fine? Could you ask him why he comments?

I'd be really hurt.

My DF does this. It's horrible, I've never worked out why he does it .

I had an ex who constantly made me feel like crap everytime I tried to eat something unhealthy.
He was a total fitness fanatic and it used to drive me mad. I wasn't even fat then
He wasn't that fit when I met him but then he got really into health and fitness but he got so obsessed with it he was holier than though with it.

I told him several times it hurt my feelings but he carried on and would make comments when we were eating out in front of friends about my menu choices. In the end because I'm a spiteful bitch I started making comments about the fact he looked like his hair was thinning. Everytime he said something to me I'd wait a while so it wasn't obvious and then make a comment on his hair or pretend I was covered in his hair as it was falling out! I know it's mean and petty and horrible and I wish I could say I was a teenager who didn't know better but I wasn't.

In the end we did split because he could act respectfully towards me about my body and in the end it made me lose all respect for him and once that's gone it's hard to get back.
funnily enough he's kept his hair shaved short since we split up

If I were you I would tell him what he is doing hurts you. If he doesn't stop then you need to decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life being told you look fat when you clearly don't.