Do dads that won't pay maintenance care about their children?

[donners312]

Just that really, I have posted a few times about my STBXH.

I would be interested if there is a way to see that men who won't pay do care and love their children as it is very hard to live with the fact that they really just don't seem to care?

Oh dear!

Offred bloody hell, what a fantastic way to explain things, sounds like my ex.

My ex hates the fact he has to give me money for the kids! I'm on maternity leave at the moment (had baby 6 weeks ago).
I will be returning to work early as I can't afford to live at the moment. He pays the mortgage on our house (a lot less than csa) and every time I see him he throws in my face that he pays for the house!
When I return to work I will have to look at putting my 2 children into nursery as ex only wants to see my kids for one over night a week!

i have wondered if men give other men advice re how to make use of women scot free. MN is educating me in the last decade of my life.

These men are financial abusers of their children and only love themselves.

The ones I known- probably do care but care about their money much, much more and don't give a shit about the child's mother.

They like the child's mother to be a 'bitch' because this helps them justify themselves and still portray themselves as good guys.

They did not take my DHs ex-wife's financial situation into consideration AT ALL!

Why should they? Unless his payments realistically cover 50% or more of what it's costing his ex to raise them, he really doesn't have a gripe. The cost includes housing them, keeping them warm, fed, clean and healthy, childcare, toys, outings, clothing, etc. Sounds like your issue is that she has more disposable income than you're happy with and think that actually NRP's contributions should be based on how close to the poverty line the RP appears to be.

You forgot that she seems to think it acceptable that another man takes on the financial burden of her DHs kids... as I said "Oh dear"!

Some men really don't care. Think they adopt the mentality that they're out of sight, out of mind!
However, in some situations I can understand the reasons for not wanting to pay. DP ExW used to use DSS as weapons and often used to threaten to never let him see them again :( no justification, she just knew that it would get to him. We always discussed this and said that we would buy them the things they needed or put money away for them until she let us see them again as she was the one stopping contact for no good reason!

The way we look at it is it is their mother who misses out.

The DSC have a great relationship with my DH.

We have never talked badly about her in front of the DSC and DH has always answered questions they have had.

One of the saddest things is that they no longer ask.

This year they didn't even want to do mothers day cards for her.

It is her loss.

Surely the non resident parent is EQUALLY financially responsible for THEIR children, despite whatever the resident parents income?

I think whether non-paying NRPs care or not is a massive sliding scale. But in probably 90% of cases, how much they care about/love their children is simply outweighed by how much they care about themselves/how much they care about money/how much they want to punish their ex. And I think there's a huge disconnect in the minds of most NRPs stopping them from thinking about how much it actually costs to raise a child. They look at the RP's lifestyle instead and many then forget that their money goes into the same 'pot' that sustains their children.

You'd think so Gothy

Perhaps if the courts said that if the dad doesn't want to pay mtmce then the option is 50:50 care. If my STBxh stopped paying then that is what I would have to do. They would then soon realise that kids cost more than just 20% of the salary. I spend all of my salary on my kids. I don't have holidays on my own without the kids.

How would that work though its

My DSC have no contact with their mother who has also never paid a penny towards her DC.

It wouldn't be in our case, in their interest. She prioritises latest bf over the DC and always has.

I get your thinking Its but I don't think it's practical sadly. ExP has no contact at all with DD. Despite what he tells everyone (luckily I care very little about the opinions of his social circle) this is his choice. He does pay (the legal minimum) maintenance (enforced by CMS after he failed to honour a personal arrangement). If he stopped paying, I think forcing DD upon an uncaring parent would be far more harmful to her than accommodating the financial hit somehow.

Years ago the CSA did used to take the RP's income into account. My mum was livid that they reduced my (arsehole of a) dad's maintenance payments because they decided she earned enough (not that he paid if he could get away with it, to the point if getting himself sacked to avoid it - twice). It isn't about deciding that children need X amount and if the mother earns more the father is absolved of responsibility. Each parent should be contributing a reasonable proportion of their income, whatever that income is.

It doesn't matter if the ex wife has remarried someone wealthy and works FT in a job that disqualifies her for CB, the father should be paying his share (unless it genuinely is 50-50 care and each will be paying anyway). No one gets to decide that they don't need to pay for the kids they see once a fortnight because their ex earns enough (in their opinion).

Yes true. I was thinking in my case that my ex is perfectly capable of looking after our children but when he walked out it was assumed I would look after the children which I love and wouldn't want to change. I just get fed up that men (or women) moan about paying mtmce but choose not to look after their children. Can't have it both ways in my opinion.

Gosh, Happy, how awfully rude of the ex to work, earn a good salary, make a new life for herself, be clearly able to afford between her and her new partner pay for everything the kids need and for her to them expect the children's father to make a contribution towards the upbringing of their children.

Seriously, Happy, it is attitudes like yours that normalise the non-payment of maintenance, ensuring thousands of children are being brought up - unnecessarily - in poverty. Well done, very well done.

My Ex defiantly loves our Son he is just very tight with his money - so he pays the minimum required - minus petrol for half the pick ups/ drop offs (as I don't drive)

I think it is very clear that caring and financial responsibilities are, and should be, separate things.

I think if the parent with care is not caring for the children the way to deal with that is to try and increase your own caring responsibilities to compensate for the lack of care.

In all cases both parents should contribute financially to the child's home (or homes) whether that is through maintenance or through 50/50 care is not relevant.

I don't have much truck with people who are mainly resentful of the money they pay to a neglectful parent and not concerned enough to take action over the neglect.

(And I have no sympathy at all for people who talk about 'bitches taking the house' which usually happens if said 'bitch' is providing the primary care for the DC)

Happy no the money from your dh was meeting his dc's needs. The money being frittered was his ex surplus earnings after she had equally provided for the DC.

I have to say I was a bit shocked when pp said that her DH Ex was spending all the maintenance money on holidays.

If her DH is giving hundreds on maintenance she must realize it costs hundreds (thousands) bringing up kids so if her DH Ex is going on holiday i seriously doubt it is being paid for by him!

It also scares me there are women out there that think like that - I would rather have nothing as long as children were ok!

At least he is paying something though.

I am so fascinated by all your stories and how well you all have managed to bring up your children without help from your Ex.

I would love to hear how you did it?

I am (fairly) early days - and need to hear stories of hope!!! I know I will never see a penny from mine (and no I didn't get the house - there wasn't one to get!).

Hard to watch him go on his fifth long haul holiday since january!! (yes i seriously married a prince!!)