Do dads that won't pay maintenance care about their children?

[donners312]

Just that really, I have posted a few times about my STBXH.

I would be interested if there is a way to see that men who won't pay do care and love their children as it is very hard to live with the fact that they really just don't seem to care?

Peppermint - stories almost identical!!! I think they must all talk to each other to try to get revenge not realising it only really affects the kids!!

Happyat40:

You say:

We were absolutely living on the bones of our bums and all the child maintainence was going on lavish foreign holidays, new people carriers.

I was literally unable to clothe our own DC at the time while DHs DC were flying off on foreign holidays 2-3 times a year.

Then this amazing statement:

However the children came first and I often took them shopping for clothes out of my own income.

So you were "literally unable" to clothe your own DC, but still took your DSDs shopping for clothes out of your own income. Rather unfair on your own DCs for you to do this, no, because they had no clothes but you managed to clothe their DCSs who also enjoyed endless foreign holidays and rides in people carriers in addition to the extra clothes you bought with money you did not have?

Your bitterness shines in these contradictory and patently untrue statements.

Dh does pay, but we have discussed if it's the best option for his dc.

Dc is disabled. Dh and his mum do a lot of the care as his ex works full time. She is also remarried, so their combined income is more than 80k.

His ex does not save, and we often think the cm would be better put into a savings plan, or insurance policy, as if dh/his ex aren't around they will have no financial means at all- totally reliant on the state.

It would mean dc may be able to live relatively independently and use the money for extra support etc.

So that is why dh considered not paying. As it is we will do that when dc is too old for cm- is it 20 these days?

I think every case should be judged on its own individual merits. I think there are exceptional circumstances

JMKid sorry to hear you have an idiot ex like this too.

He once said to a mutual friend that it had gone so far wrong that he didn't know how to fix it. This is after countless times when I had reached out to him to try and get him to see the dc. -I don't do that now mind, I tried for a reasonable period of time, but you can't force someone to change. He was and is so black out with me that he can't bring himself to talk to me about the dc. (Mind you, I currently have a six month non-molestation order against him, but that's another story!!).

The stupid man has been through three or four new girlfriends since I kicked him out, it all goes the same way-they must believe him at first when he plays the poor me she's a bitch card, but I know from speaking to one of the recent exes that these girlfriends, all with dc of their own, cannot get their heads round why he isn't seeing his children. It's corrosive, and he's doing nothing to address it, just going deeper and deeper into denial.

They have all ended up dumping him.

I will say one thing-I would rather it was this way than if he was coming in and out of my dc's lives chaotically (his life is generally Jeremy Kyle style), messing with their heads. It's not ideal, but at least with just the three of us they are steady and stable, and are now totally used to the fact that they never see him.

I get sick fed up if the way men are allowed to get off paying for there children, i divorced my ex husband over 25 years ago he's never handed over as much as 1p for them, i worked 12 hrs a day to keep a roof over there head, fed and clothed, since we've divorced he been married another twice had 4 more children, my two daughters are now grown adults with great jobs, he tells everyone he's very proud of them, pity he won't tell everyone he didn't contribute to there upbringing and that there mother made them the adults they are today..

Its so hard to not erupt in a ball of fury isn’t it?

No. They don't. Imo they are deadbeats pure and simple.

I don't think they can, whether male or female, resident or non resident parent, if you won't work to ensure you can meet your child's basic needs then how can they care? I think it's become too easy to let others pay and there's no penalties to enforce parental support so it just keeps happening.

No they don't. It's out of sight out of mind. or like housework. someone else will do it.

I had my kids living exclusively with me for about a year, their mum had every excuse under the sun not to pay maintenance for them. Eventually the CMS made her cough up some of her benefits for them, just wish I'd done it sooner.

Frankly I don't think anyone likes handing over money to their ex, and some people aren't able to put those feelings aside.

My ex h pays no maintenance to me. He has the children 40% of the time. Houses them, clothes them, takes them on lovely holidays and does everything with them. I pay for all uniform, coats, shoes etc from child benefit.

My bf pays the minimum CSA for his children. We have them every weekend, all weekend. They too get lovely holidays, we buy all coats, shoes and anything they need in between including school trips. The majority of my bf's salary goes on his children from the weekends and the entertainment that comes with that.

I pay for the nice lifestyle my ex has the part time job she wanted, the house, the kids growing up so nice and independent whilst I work my ass off getting up at 5 every morning. My advice to any younger man looking to get married is don't and never commit as the odds are stacked against you. If you do have children make sure that you keep finances separate and don't sink your equity into a house with your partner.

I can’t reconcile how a man can report to love his children but not see that he is financially responsible for them (along with the mum). And regardless of the mjms’s financial situation. He helped create them, he is responsible.

But clearly people get sucked into that narrative like a PP whose brother was annoyed that he was apparently laying for his ex’s car payments. No. He was contributing to the upkeep of his kids. But the mum would hardly take from them if he stopped paying so what would suffer would be her car payments.