Drunken mistake

[Ohboywhathaveidone]

I've nc'd on this one and I'm prepared for being flamed.

Basically I've messed up, badly. Went out with DP and spent most of the evening being ignored by him. Was chatted up and he didn't even notice. Basically got fed up and very drunk. I left him and walked to my local. Very upset and pissed off. Basically there are other issues in our relationship.

He followed me and took the house keys and went home. I thought he had locked me out. Went home with a few friends and luckily retrieved my key. I then went for a cuppa with a 'friend'. Made it clear I wasn't interested in anything.

Basically we ended up having sex. I didn't say no but was in no fit state to make a rational choice either. Ended up coming home early hours to a very pissed of DP. He doesn't know I said I went to a female friends house.

Fortunately It's someone I see once in a blue moon and can avoid. But now I have to live with myself, I feel so so ashamed of my behaviour.

I need to stop binge drinking this isn't the first time I've put myself at risk. I feel physically sick today and emotionally void.
my instinct says to keep this to myself and not tell him.

I don't really know why I'm posting. Just hoping for some advice/support as I won't be able to discuss this in RL. I feel such a fool.

[IrishDad79]

minmooch
"Except that the op is taking responsibility for her actionsAbed"

She is and she isn't.

[AnyFucker]

Don't bother trying to engage with it, Oswin. I am sorry that happened to you x

[bellalebint]

Eat something OP. It will help you to feel normal again.

You shouldn't have cheated on him, obviously. But a couple of things jump out at me.

1. You were really upset and crying and (in the words of your dp) roaring drunk. Why would someone have sex with you in this state? I wasn't there and I don't give a shiny shite if other posters give it the "men would get tore apart for the same thing blah blah" but this makes me uncomfortable

1. Your DP left you alone "roaring drunk". That's an arsehole thing to do. I wouldn't leave my sister or friend alone if they were that drunk. It shows a lack of care for you

This is a tough one but no judgement from me. Excessive alcohol does lead to risky decisions and sounds like you have had a real shock and a horrible night. But the bad feelings will fade. Do get the all clear from a clinic before you sleep with your DP again, you shouldn't risk his health. You say you are not a cheater and barely remember it happening. I don't think you should punish yourself but I think you owe it to your DP to leave him if you aren't happy.

[Abed]

minmooch I wouldn't call not telling the BF etc taking responsibility.

[DorindaJ]

OP, we can argue the details and give varied and plentiful reasons why, however : you cheated on your partner. Your partner needs to know this. Anything else other than this is dishonest. If you end the relationship he should still be told. How many times have there been threads where the poster is driven almost incoherent by the not knowing why a relationship ended?

I am sorry that you are in this position. I know only too well how incredibly hard to face up to mistakes.

[Dollius01]

Fuck me this place is horrid sometimes. OP I hope you are ok.

[Buzzardbird]

How are you op?

[NameChange30]

The victim blaming and rape apology on this thread is appalling. Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

If someone (male or female) is so drunk that they are unable to make decisions or remember everything, they are too drunk to consent to sex. If that person "has sex" (= is raped) they have not willingly cheated on their partner and they are a victim of a crime.

Of course it is possible to be drunk and still capable of making decisions, including consenting to sex. But that's not what happened here.

And the idea that it's not rape if the victim doesn't say "no" is complete bollocks. What if the victim is unconscious? Too scared? So shocked by what is happening that they freeze and can't react verbally or physically? Mentally unable (whether due to alcohol, drugs, intellectual disability or mental illness) to process what is happening and decide how to react?

I can't believe I have to make these points on a forum that is predominantly populated by educated women.

FFS.

[NameChange30]

OP, you were too drunk to consent. You were responsible for being drunk (whether drinks were bought for you or not, you still chose to drink them) but you were not responsible for what the "friend" chose to do to you while you were too drunk to consent.

It would be wise to seek help for your drinking and to avoid getting so drunk in future. BUT a good friend - even a stranger who is a decent person - would not take advantage of your drunken state by having non consensual sex (otherwise known as rape).

My suggestions for you are:

1. Get a full STI screening. Don't take his word for it that he has the all clear.
   
2. Drop this "friend" and don't contact or socialise with him again.
   
3. Consider calling Rape Crisis to talk to someone about what happened. They are trained and will support you without blaming or judging like some of the twats on this thread.
   
4. When the dust has settled from last night (and your hangover has subsided!) think very carefully about whether to continue your relationship. From what you've said I don't think it's at all good for you. You deserve someone who is a good partner all the time, not just some of the time. I think it would probably be better for you to be single for a while and work on your self esteem.

[Buzzardbird]

A very sensible post there Emma.

[PinkPjamas]

I agree with Bella. Nobody should leave their friends alone in a state not fit to take care of themselves .
To everyone saying about having an STI check, we all know incubation periods of different infections vary,right? Getting the all clear now doesn't mean nothing was transferred in this encounter. I hope you're okay op xx

[itllallbefine]

OP - I am not sure what you can take out of this thread, if you think that you were raped then you should go to the police. I'm not sure, even if you were, how your partner will feel about you going for a "cuppa" with a male friend late at night.

AnotherEmma etc - you saying that the OP is 100% a rape victim and her friend is a rapist given the information available here is not responsible. Neither is it responsible to say it wasn't as the OP hasn't given enough information. The thing that jumps out at me is the comment that "if i was stone cold sober it would have stopped". A man who is intent on raping you would not require you to be stone cold sober, and it wouldn't make a lot of difference if you were, so this suggests that either you were practically comotose or that you consented, unless there is some other way that I'm missing that not being drunk would have enabled you to fight off this man's advances. Of course that's assuming that you would even be in the situation if not drunk which one assume you would not.

it sounds like if you do tell your partner, it'll be the end of the relationship, all i can say is that if my husband went home to a friends for a "cuppa" when he was drunk, perhaps drunker than her, and they "ended up" having sex although he can't really remember it, i wouldn't be feeling sorry for him and telling him he was assaulted. Make of that what you all will, but i expect your partner may well react like that, and you would have to be ready for that.

[itllallbefine]

and btw - if you were pretty much out cold and he had sex on you and did not participate, then you were 100% raped, and you should go to the police as hard as it will be.

[Ohboywhathaveidone]

Hi, I'm in work today. I ate a meal last night and I managed some sleep (eventually).
I have spent a lot of time thinking about my drinking and am taking some positive steps to address it.
This maybe tmi but physically I have bruises. I still have black holes in my memory. I'm trying not to dwell on it.
In regards to my relationship and what happened I have made no major decisions.
Thank you buzzard and dolius for checking up on me.

[NameChange30]

itllallbefine You seem to have missed the point that there is a long line between stone cold sober and unconscious. Somewhere along that line, people become incapable of making decisions including consenting to sex. You seem to be implying that unless someone is unconscious they must have consented, which is absolutely not the case. Even if you have never been so drunk that you were at that stage, you must have seen other people who are.

[NameChange30]

Cross post

"This maybe tmi but physically I have bruises. I still have black holes in my memory. I'm trying not to dwell on it."

It's not TMI. It's proof that it was a sexual assault (I don't want to insist on calling it rape if you're not comfortable with that).

Please go to a Sexual Assault Referral Centre where they will be able to do a medical examination and STI check. You won't have to report the assault to the police if you don't want to. But it will be on record if you decide to later.

Please also consider calling the Rape Crisis helpline or visiting a centre if they have one near you - details of the helpline and centres are here.

[Ohboywhathaveidone]

I don't know if I can face it. I feel so bloody ashamed. And culpable, stupid etc

[itllallbefine]

this doesn't sound good re the bruises - although you don't want to dwell on it, I think you need to try and remember what happened - did you kiss him ? did you participate in anyway ? I really think you ought to think about these questions and whether to go to the police. How long have you known this guy ?

[NameChange30]

Oh love. You're not culpable or stupid. You don't have anything to be ashamed of.

Do you think if you called the helpline or talked to a friend (if there is someone who would be supportive) that would help you feel a bit better (or at least a bit less shit) about the whole thing?

If I was your friend I'd give you a big hug and I'd go with you to the SARC if you wanted me to.

[Ohboywhathaveidone]

I need to step away from the thread for a bit. I'm feeling quite emotional. Thank you Another Emma.

[scallopsrgreat]

Excellent posts by AnotherEmma and bellalebint.

OP be kind to yourself. You don't have to make any decisions about any of this now. Take your time .

[NameChange30]

You're welcome OP. Take care of yourself. We'll be here if you want to post again when you feel ready.

[Unicow]

OP you have been through a lot. I'm not even getting involved in the blame game because it is utterly unhelpful. What has happened has happened. You need to look at what's next. Usually in my experience someone cheats because they are unhappy. It's usually a self sabotage of the relationship to get out without making the tough choice.

[NameChange30]

SHE DIDN'T CHEAT! She was sexually assaulted FFS.

Bloody hell, people would like to think we're a world away from countries that stone rape victims because they have "brought shame on their family".. But we're not really.

[Unicow]

Looking at your drinking is a positive and will be good for you whatever comes next. With regards to your relationship take a look at the good and bad points. Start switching your focus to figure out what you want from your relationship. Then figure out if this guy can give it to you. If you do stay with him it will need work and tbh it will need the truth to come out.

These things pretty much always come out eventually and the longer it is before that happens the harder it is to recover.

Good luck and make sure you make the right choices for you.