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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drunken mistake

154 replies

Ohboywhathaveidone · 10/04/2016 17:15

I've nc'd on this one and I'm prepared for being flamed.

Basically I've messed up, badly. Went out with DP and spent most of the evening being ignored by him. Was chatted up and he didn't even notice. Basically got fed up and very drunk. I left him and walked to my local. Very upset and pissed off. Basically there are other issues in our relationship.

He followed me and took the house keys and went home. I thought he had locked me out. Went home with a few friends and luckily retrieved my key. I then went for a cuppa with a 'friend'. Made it clear I wasn't interested in anything.

Basically we ended up having sex. I didn't say no but was in no fit state to make a rational choice either. Ended up coming home early hours to a very pissed of DP. He doesn't know I said I went to a female friends house.

Fortunately It's someone I see once in a blue moon and can avoid. But now I have to live with myself, I feel so so ashamed of my behaviour.

I need to stop binge drinking this isn't the first time I've put myself at risk. I feel physically sick today and emotionally void.
my instinct says to keep this to myself and not tell him.

I don't really know why I'm posting. Just hoping for some advice/support as I won't be able to discuss this in RL. I feel such a fool.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 11/04/2016 13:58

It wasn't rape. You didn't say no.

You don't have to say 'no' for it to be rape though, do you?

scallopsrgreat · 11/04/2016 14:15

Who said drunken men can consent to sex Babycham? What they can't do whether they are drunk or otherwise is commit a crime i.e. stick their penis into someone who is too drunk to consent. That would be rape.

And the absence of a 'no' does not mean it isn't rape.

However, I wasn't debating whether this instance is rape as I'm not sure that would help the OP at this time. I was objecting to Babycham saying she was culpable like she would be if she committed a crime. She hasn't committed a crime.

Dollius01 · 11/04/2016 14:27

Actually, she did say no earlier on. Then when too drunk to resist, they had sex. That does not sound consensual to me at all.

Original poster
Ohboywhathaveidone · 11/04/2016 14:52

I did say no earlier, and I don't know how it happened but I didn't say no at the time. It was like it happened to someone else. Thank god I can't recall it all in full detail. Cowardly I know but at least I can only remember patches.
I need to sort myself out, I haven't eaten since. The only positive I can take from it is a wake up call regarding alcohol.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 11/04/2016 15:01

Well only you can know if you feel it was not consensual OP, and you shouldn't let guilt get in the way of evaluating that - if it wasn't your choice and he took advantage then that is very serious.

Babycham1979 · 11/04/2016 15:26

Scallops, the law, as it currently stands, says that.

huskylover · 11/04/2016 15:37

And the absence of a 'no' does not mean it isn't rape

Men have balls. Not crystal balls.

You simply cannot wake up the next day, regret having sex and then relabel it as rape. And women who do, do a great disservice to the women who are dragged into an alleyway and raped by a stranger.

Rarity75 · 11/04/2016 15:45

I don't think that is what the Op is saying. I think it sounds like a deeply regretted action whilst too inebriated to process the consequences. Correct me if I'm wrong but she isn't saying "I was raped" she is saying what the hell happened and blaming the alcohol for that.

Oswin · 11/04/2016 15:50

Actually the law doesn't say you have to say no babysham.

huskylover · 11/04/2016 15:50

No the Op isn't saying she was raped. But other people are, which is always what happens on these type of threads. This whole sorry episode needs to be forgotten, not blown up into something it wasn't, with all the drama & upset that would involve for 2 people and their families. Imo, anyway.

RedMapleLeaf · 11/04/2016 16:33

women who are dragged into an alleyway and raped by a stranger.

Ah, you mean Real Rape? As opposed to the majority of rape survivors who were raped by their father, uncle, ex, colleague etc?

RedMapleLeaf · 11/04/2016 16:35

Men have balls. Not crystal balls.

What's that got to do with "the absence of a 'no' does not mean it isn't rape"? Or are you just choosing to ignore that.

I'm sorry to derail the thread OP but rape apologists shouldn't go unchallenged imo.

AnyFucker · 11/04/2016 16:42

Men have balls. Not crystal balls.

Men are just as able as women to read verbal and nonverbal signs that signify whether someone is enthusiastically consenting to sex or is not.

I hate this infantilising bullshit.

And women who do, do a great disservice to the women who are dragged into an alleyway and raped by a stranger.

And you are doing a great disservice to all men, the vast majority of whom know the difference.

Twinklestein · 11/04/2016 16:51

I don't think it was as much of a mistake as you think it was OP - I think you want out of this relationship. If you could just admit that to yourself you could start being nicer to yourself.

If you really loved your bf and he had treated you well that night, it never would have happened. What does that say about him?

Mandatorymongoose · 11/04/2016 17:24

A man absolutely can be too drunk to consent to sex.

If they were so drunk they couldn't make a free and informed choice and someone else put their penis in them, that would be rape. Exactly as it would be if the drunk person was female.

The drunkenness of the penis putting in person isn't considered because the crime of rape is 'putting your penis in someone without consent' not 'putting your penis in someone without consent as long as you're sober'.

Of course not all drunk sex is rape but that doesn't mean that it doesn't happen and it's perfectly reasonable you might not start to process it until you sober up.

Back on topic!

OP I hope you're feeling OK, guilt is really difficult to deal with. If you do continue in this relationship (which doesn't seem great for you ) you will have to keep carrying this with you - or tell him which is unlikely to be without its own issues.

huskylover · 11/04/2016 18:31

I hate this infantilising bullshit

The man was drunk too. So, men can make decisions whether drunk or sober, however, women can only consent if stone cold sober, because, you know, we are just too stupid when we're drunk.

If that doesn't infantilise women, I don't know what does.

TippyTappyLappyToppy · 11/04/2016 19:02

I agree husky.

So far in this story we've heard about a woman who has made a catalogue of bad decisions based on feeling pretty petulant about a perceived lack of attention from her man.

These decisions culminated in her shagging some random bloke, but so far that has been blamed on:

  1. her partner for 'getting her drunk' by buying her drinks on an evening out, as though she had no choice in whether or not to drink them.

  2. the random man for having consensual sex with her when she was drunk although she has not indicated that she was intoxicated to the degree that she had no recollection of consenting or of the act itself.

  3. her partner again for not seeing that she was drunk earlier in the evening and insisting that he take her home.

Whereas had he insisted on taking her home, no doubt he would have been called a controlling abusive arsehole for not allowing her to make her own decisions about how she spent her evening.

It would seem that the decision to shag another man was everyone's fault but hers. Not in the OP's eyes, but in the eyes of some of the apologists on this thread.

AnyFucker · 11/04/2016 19:30

I have given any opinion on the behaviour of the op, nor of her partner

But I will call out rape apology when I see it

Excusing men's inappropriate sexual behaviour on the grounds of "well how was he to know" is victim blaming bollocks

If op was willing only enthusiastic consent is acceptable. Anything less is increasingly dodgy and men are perfectly aware of this. Some of them choose to proceed anyway.

AnyFucker · 11/04/2016 19:31

not given

offside · 11/04/2016 19:50

I agree with Flanks et al. Why could the OP not be the one who took advantage...the OM was drunk also, no?

You cheated, drink or no drink, if this was the other way around, and you were on here writing about your DP/DH doing this, you can bet your bottom dollar that there would be cries of "it won't have been the first time...There will have been others...Get your ducks in a row and prepare for more revelations"

But anywho, you're the one who needs to live with yourself and if you can do that without telling your DP and feel ok with that, then don't spill.

huskylover · 11/04/2016 19:50

Ah, enthusiastic consent.

No drunken fumbles allowed. No clumsily pulling each others clothes off, after a few drinks.

Right, I'm off to order my Pom poms.

PS. Having sex, then regretting it and accusing the man of rape, when it's not the truth, is vile. My holding that opinion doesn't make me a rape apologist, because no rape occurred. The Op has said repeatedly, that she consented, however, some posters are telling her she didn't and I do wonder about the state of mind of such posters and about how much projecting is going on here

Abed · 11/04/2016 19:55

Gotta say I agree with Tippy and Husky, if I posted that I got drunk and cheated on my wife I'd get slaughtered and rightfully so, it seems to be anybody's fault but the OP's.

minmooch · 11/04/2016 20:27

Except that the op is taking responsibility for her actions Abed

Oswin · 11/04/2016 21:40

Husky lover how the feck in your head enthusiastic consent = no pulling each other's clothes off after a few drinks?

You are absolutely twisting what anyfucker said.

Can you not think of a situation where a woman's drink. She doesn't say no yet it's Still rape? That's what happened to me and it is called rape.
Stop minimising rape. Not every rape includes force.

IrishDad79 · 11/04/2016 22:04

minmooch
"Except that the op is taking responsibility for her actionsAbed"

She is and she isn't.

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