Drunken mistake

[Ohboywhathaveidone]

I've nc'd on this one and I'm prepared for being flamed.

Basically I've messed up, badly. Went out with DP and spent most of the evening being ignored by him. Was chatted up and he didn't even notice. Basically got fed up and very drunk. I left him and walked to my local. Very upset and pissed off. Basically there are other issues in our relationship.

He followed me and took the house keys and went home. I thought he had locked me out. Went home with a few friends and luckily retrieved my key. I then went for a cuppa with a 'friend'. Made it clear I wasn't interested in anything.

Basically we ended up having sex. I didn't say no but was in no fit state to make a rational choice either. Ended up coming home early hours to a very pissed of DP. He doesn't know I said I went to a female friends house.

Fortunately It's someone I see once in a blue moon and can avoid. But now I have to live with myself, I feel so so ashamed of my behaviour.

I need to stop binge drinking this isn't the first time I've put myself at risk. I feel physically sick today and emotionally void.
my instinct says to keep this to myself and not tell him.

I don't really know why I'm posting. Just hoping for some advice/support as I won't be able to discuss this in RL. I feel such a fool.

[Buzzardbird]

Flanks what on earth are you talking about? The 'script' is not even closely related to this situation, and no-one has suggested it is 'understandable'. FFS.

[Ohboywhathaveidone]

I feel like a right idiot and yes I wouldn't have sex with this man if sober. I feel responsible for putting myself in the situation, I did tell him I was not interested in sex only a cup of tea and to calm down before going home. Somehow it escalated and I didn't say no. But I couldn't think straight either and had been very upset (crying) so yes I do feel like he took advantage of me in a vulnerable state.

[Flanks]

Please.

If OP posted that her husband did this it would be: no excuse, get financials ready, when men say they were drunk and did not intend to they are lying, other wise they wouldn't be there, try and find out on his phone or browser if they have regular contact, if you can't that is proof he deleted it.

Here we have, sounds like you were too drunk to consent, and no suggestion (yet) that the husband is a victim of her infidelity.

[Ohboywhathaveidone]

But it is completely my responsibility that I ended up in that situation. I don't disputes that.
I have never cheated on a partner before and never will again.
I do t think I was drugged buzzard I just rapidly nose dived off the drunk cliff. Lack of food I think.

[Ohboywhathaveidone]

Of course he is a victim Flanks. I feel completely awful, did I intend to sleep with another man? No way, did it happen? Am I going to tell him, no. I might feel better but he would be gutted. Is out relationship over? I don't know, I really don't.

[Buzzardbird]

Flanks If OP's partner came on here saying that his gf got drunk last night and slept with someone else, he would get exactly the same support as a female saying it.

Posters are simply trying to find out exactly what happened.

You have your own agenda obviously. No-one has said that the OP is in the right. OP hasn't actually said what sex they are.

[SnapCackleFlop]

Go easy on yourself. If it was a friend telling you this happened to them you'd be kind and feel bad for the way they've been treated.

It sounds like you need to decide if the relationship you're in is any good for you but for what it's worth I don't think bringing this into the discussions will help matters.

Give yourself a few days to get a bit stronger and see how you feel.

[Ohboywhathaveidone]

Did it happen should say yes afterwards

[Twinklestein]

Tbh OP your relationship with your DP sounds a) dreadful and b) over.

You've done this to get out of it. And why would you stay with an ignoring cocklodger?

So I would tell him, and get on with the process of splitting up.

[Ohboywhathaveidone]

Thank you snap

[Buzzardbird]

OP, sorry to get side-tracked.

Just get yourself checked out first, don't sleep with your partner.

Have a long hard think about whether this relationship is fair to you and your partner. Is it a happy relationship?

[Ohboywhathaveidone]

Some of the time it's happy and sometimes it's just hard work. I feel like the only grown up.
He is fun, but also moody. Inflexible at times. He is good with my DD and after being single for a long time he is good company (when he is here). Nobody is perfect and no relationship is either. I really dont know if long term we are a good match. I als think I need time to consider that carefully and not make a snap decision based on last night.

[TippyTappyLappyToppy]

Flanks If OP's partner came on here saying that his gf got drunk last night and slept with someone else, he would get exactly the same support as a female saying it.

Yes he would. Except that's not what Flanks means, is it?

If the OP's male partner came on to say that he'd felt ignored by her all evening and he got the hump when she'd failed to notice that someone else was flirting with him, so he left the pub without her, went to a different pub, hooked up with another woman who was a casual friend, went back to hers 'for a cuppa' saying he never intended to have sex but it just happened, how much sympathy do you suppose he'd get on here?

Do you think anyone would be telling him to 'go easy' on himself?

[TippyTappyLappyToppy]

OP It sounds to me like the relationship isn't right for all sorts of reasons and you know it. Why don't you just call it a day?

[Buzzardbird]

I haven't told her "go easy on herself" though?

[Pinkheart5915]

You will need to get yourself checked out for stds, make sure your health is ok.

My sister was raped many years ago on a night out when her drink was spiked and she had a horrid time after with the court case and everything so I do feel bad for any woman that has forced sex.

Do keep an eye on your binge drinking in future, although no body has the right to force somebody in to an unwanted sex act it is your responabillity to have a good time on a night out but still be capable of looking after yourself.

I think your dp has a right to know you've had sex with somebody else, whatever the circumstances be it cheating or a sexual assault.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

You haven't said one positive thing about your partner in any of your posts. That speaks volumes about your feelings towards him.

However, from my experience it is rarely advisable to start analysing your life when you're severely hungover. The outlook will feel bleak. Remember, alcohol is a depressant.

My advise would be to treat yourself kindly today and sleep on it.
I think you know you have to make some changes so you have some serious thinking ahead.

[Twinklestein]

Last night happened because part of you wants out. You may not be ready to acknowledge that consciously yet, and that's fine.

Being the only adult in a partnership is a very lonely situation. Being marginally less shit than being single is not a good reason to stay in a relationship.

[Ohboywhathaveidone]

Thank you all of you for your posts. Yes I do have some hard thinking to do, and I still can't quite believe what happened. It's like it was someone else not me, I do t do stuff like that. I feel terribly guilty. And I should. Wish I could turn the clock back but that's just pathetic really. I feeling a little more human. One thing that will change is my attitude to drinking, I need to stop binge drinking completely. I don't like who I am when I drink. I don't like holes in my memory and I hate feeling so ill the next day. This has been a massive wake up call for me, huge.

[Quityabitchen]

Sweetheart, stop beating yourself up. What's done is done. Ring Drinkline for help with the booze. Go to GUM tomorrow and get checked. Then draw a line under it. The world hasn't ended. Think long and hard about your partner and make some decisions.

Take care

[AntiqueSinger]

I do agree with flanks that were this a man posting he would be ripped to shreds. There was a post recently that involved the husband spending the night, but not having sex with another woman he bumped into whilst drunk. He was called all sorts of names and the wife was advised not to trust a word he said and start considering separation. Certainly there were would be no bouquets of flowers were this a man posting.

Very double standards. However yes I do think you should leave your partner O.P. and be true to yourself. And you do seem to realise your actions were unfair which is good starting point.

[Buzzardbird]

If a man came on here and was remorseful I am pretty sure he would be given the same advice. It's not 'double standards' it's a very different scenario.

[SouthWestmom]

I agree with flanks. Being drunk and having sex doesn't always equate to non consensual sex/rape.

We can't have it all ways.

[Buzzardbird]

I don't think anyone, especially OP is inferring we can?

[Ohboywhathaveidone]

I'm not, I am saying if I was stone cold sober it would not have happened. my judgement was impaired. Because of my actions. Yes I was vulnerable and stupid but I'm not saying I was raped.