Drunken mistake

[Ohboywhathaveidone]

I've nc'd on this one and I'm prepared for being flamed.

Basically I've messed up, badly. Went out with DP and spent most of the evening being ignored by him. Was chatted up and he didn't even notice. Basically got fed up and very drunk. I left him and walked to my local. Very upset and pissed off. Basically there are other issues in our relationship.

He followed me and took the house keys and went home. I thought he had locked me out. Went home with a few friends and luckily retrieved my key. I then went for a cuppa with a 'friend'. Made it clear I wasn't interested in anything.

Basically we ended up having sex. I didn't say no but was in no fit state to make a rational choice either. Ended up coming home early hours to a very pissed of DP. He doesn't know I said I went to a female friends house.

Fortunately It's someone I see once in a blue moon and can avoid. But now I have to live with myself, I feel so so ashamed of my behaviour.

I need to stop binge drinking this isn't the first time I've put myself at risk. I feel physically sick today and emotionally void.
my instinct says to keep this to myself and not tell him.

I don't really know why I'm posting. Just hoping for some advice/support as I won't be able to discuss this in RL. I feel such a fool.

[Ohboywhathaveidone]

Thank you. I'm hanging in there x

[Toomuchinfo1]

OP, I know you are taking a bit of a step back from the thread, but if you are still reading, then I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and I hope you are ok

xxxx

[thedancingbear]

Whilst

-there are occasionally awful double standards on this board (I don't care what anyone says, a man posting about the reverse situation would get completely hammered)

-it's an unhelpful misconception that' drunken sex + rape'

This, from the OP:

Basically we ended up having sex. I didn't say no but was in no fit state to make a rational choice either.

Does sound as if it could be near the borderline for being non-consensual.

[NameChange30]

"Mnhq do not delete posts just because someone disagrees they do have a policy to delete offensive post, or rape apology posts"

Rape apology isn't actually against the talk guidelines (if it was, many more of the posts on this thread and others would have been deleted!)

However, offensive posts and personal attacks aren't allowed. And that's why the posts on this thread were reported and deleted.

[AnyFucker]

It isn't possible to "get someone's post deleted"

If HQ think they break talk guidelines and they are reported, then and only then they will get zapped

[Oswin]

Husky lover if you didn't see the deleted post then how can you comment on it?
Itllbefine could have made a reasoned post or it could have been awful.
Mnhq do not delete posts just because someone disagrees they do have a policy to delete offensive post, or rape apology posts .

[huskylover]

Itllbefine I think your posts make lots of sense. You have a balanced view.

I didn't see your deleted post, as unfortunately someone got them deleted. It's impossible to have a rational, adult conversation on here, isn't it? If I don't agree with someone, I would counter their argument, not report to MNHQ.

[AnotherEffingOrangeRevel]

I hope you're doing OK, OP. Whatever the technicalities of what happened it sounds like a pretty traumatic time. I'm really sorry you're going through it.

[AnotherEffingOrangeRevel]

If she'd got into a car and driven home drunk, she'd be culpable; this is no different.

No, Babycham, this is different. Because potentially this is something which was done to, not by, the OP. It might be more akin to being convicted of handling stolen goods if someone dumps a stolen bag on your head while you're comatose.

[JamesTiberiusKirk]

No misogyny intended.

You are trafficking in absolutes when you don't have all the facts.

[NameChange30]

Well that got very nasty very quickly. I have reported a few posts; I hope MNHQ respond quickly before it gets even worse.

[RedMapleLeaf]

How would you describe a rape-apologist itll?

[RedMapleLeaf]

If you kiss someone and participate in a sexual act with that person it's usually taken to mean consent by the other person and others, or perhaps you would dispute this as well in the clamour to call this rape?

I'm starting to think that you're not trolling, just ignorant itll. Let me spell this out to you, kissing someone or participating in a sexual act is not giving consent to have sex.

I have not voiced an opinion on the OP's situation or what she should do next. I am correctly factually incorrect statements / rape myths.

[NameChange30]

Another rape myth.
Kissing someone is not an invitation for them to rape you.
Have a look at this:
vimeo.com/126553913

[itllallbefine]

WTF !?

[ToastDemon]

When did Relationships start attracting such a bunch of rape-apologist cunts?
I suspect largely male.

[RedMapleLeaf]

all i can say is that if my husband went home to a friends for a "cuppa" when he was drunk, perhaps drunker than her, and they "ended up" having sex although he can't really remember it, i wouldn't be feeling sorry for him and telling him he was assaulted.

What if the friend involved was male, as in this case?

did you kiss him ? did you participate in anyway ? I really think you ought to think about these questions and whether to go to the police. How long have you known this guy?

Why should she think about these questions??

[NameChange30]

Yep. A male one by the looks.

[scallopsrgreat]

"shrill certainty " No misogyny there then.

The voice of reason has come to put us in our place.

[JamesTiberiusKirk]

Cutting out all the noise on this thread, I think all that matters OP is whether or not you feel you were taken advantage of. If you truly believe that happened, or was very likely to have happened, then there are a number of options other posters have laid out that you can pursue, and I would encourage you to go down that route. This may mean telling your partner, but I would hope that he would provide you with support, difficult as it may be, if you lay out your experience to him as you have here.

I think the shrill certainty being projected by Dollius01 and anotheremma may be comforting, but I honestly feel they may provide a false sense of certainty, based on the limited information you have provided. The bruising is obviously a concern, and a trained crisis professional will be able to help discuss that in more detail than we can here. Memory gaps frankly mean nothing. That you were drunk and can't remember chunks of the experience does not automatically mean anything. It could mean you were taken advantage of during one of those gaps, but it could also mean that you gave consent but can't remember. Anyone who tells you it definitely means X or Y is a charlatan more interested in projecting than helping.

Don't be swayed by all the newly qualified lawyers here - if you feel this was more than forgettable drunken sex then take it to the relevant authorities.

As I said in my previous post, I hope you manage to find some peace with the event - beating yourself up over it won't help - you have to keep moving forward.

[NameChange30]

itllallbefine