Drunken mistake

[Ohboywhathaveidone]

I've nc'd on this one and I'm prepared for being flamed.

Basically I've messed up, badly. Went out with DP and spent most of the evening being ignored by him. Was chatted up and he didn't even notice. Basically got fed up and very drunk. I left him and walked to my local. Very upset and pissed off. Basically there are other issues in our relationship.

He followed me and took the house keys and went home. I thought he had locked me out. Went home with a few friends and luckily retrieved my key. I then went for a cuppa with a 'friend'. Made it clear I wasn't interested in anything.

Basically we ended up having sex. I didn't say no but was in no fit state to make a rational choice either. Ended up coming home early hours to a very pissed of DP. He doesn't know I said I went to a female friends house.

Fortunately It's someone I see once in a blue moon and can avoid. But now I have to live with myself, I feel so so ashamed of my behaviour.

I need to stop binge drinking this isn't the first time I've put myself at risk. I feel physically sick today and emotionally void.
my instinct says to keep this to myself and not tell him.

I don't really know why I'm posting. Just hoping for some advice/support as I won't be able to discuss this in RL. I feel such a fool.

Being too drunk to consent does.

I have contacted the other party. he has apologised and put it down to drink. I have said that it will not be repeated and was a mistake. He isn't going to tell my partner and he recently had a clear sti check. I think he is really embarrassed and so am I.

I just want to forget it ever happened. It's very far from my normal behaviour. My partner asked why I 'suddenly' went from tipsy to roaring drunk. I don't know, although I'd had several drinks in town I only had one pint in my local and I think I just hit the tipping point. He knew I was that drunk and left me there. No excuse for what happened at all I didn't have to go and have sex with someone else. But surely he (partner) could have just brought me home?

Do you love your DP?

Yes, although we don't have the easiest of relationships.

He isn't going to tell your partner and neither are you so your dp just doesn't find out, he gets no say if he wants to be with somebody that cheats on him. If your dp had been the one that cheated wouldn't you want to to know?

Just because the guy said he had a clear sti check recently doesn't mean he couldn't of caught anything since then.

It seems that when you get sloshed you make rash decisions without giving any thought to the possible consequences.

Is that how you came to move "a spendthrift bordering on cocklodger" into your home and is a shared love of alcohol keeping you together against your better judgement?

Hi Goddess, I wouldn't say I have a shared love of booze. Not at all. I have made stupid mistake and put myself at risk because of booze. I never want to do that again.
My DP does drink regularly it's part of his culture/hobby. We met after I had been single for a long time and in a nonsexual relationship with DD's dad.
He was fun, things moved quickly and we have now been together 18months. Living together for 8. He can be wonderful and he can be a nightmare.
I just need some time to figure out what I want.

You should get yourself checked out and you must tell your DP.

Putting aside the obvious issues in the relationship - which suggest you should probably end it - you do say you love him. If you love someone, you should be honest with them and allow them to make a choice.

And if drinking makes you lose your inhibitions to this extent you shouldn't drink.

No I shouldn't drink, I think I realise that.
I'm scared, I know there are big problems in our relationship. But I'm scared of losing him. Not because I don't want to be single but losing him from my life. It's all my own fault.

I'm afraid I don't accept this is 'rape', just because the OP was pissed. If she'd got into a car and driven home drunk, she'd be culpable; this is no different.

OP, you've cheated. Admit what you've done to your partner and split-up, if the relationship is so bad.

Unfortunately life is often scary. That's the way it is. Sometimes as the result of fate, someone else's choices or our own choices.

Burying your head in the sand is never a good way to live. You have to face things at some point. Some people can hide that they've had a drunken mistake. Some people's behaviour changes (because they're afraid their partner will find out, or because the guilt just tears them apart) and their partner notices something isn't quite right and will continually ask what's changed.

If you get tested and have caught something, then you would have to tell him. At least I hope you would.

Better to tackle it head on now than let it eat away at you (and I get the impression it will).

Jesus there are some terrible harpies on this thread! The OP must be feeling rough as anything this morning without having the boot stuck in!

Op I'm going to pm you.

Thank you bear

Hi Op,

Sounds like a horrible night all round, with no one looking terribly good by the end of it.

You are beating yourself up and rightly so - you have been monumentally daft. But you know this and you can't change what's happened, so make sure you use this experience to make positive changes so that you never find yourself in this position again.

First things first, you need to look after yourself. As everyone has said - STI check pronto. You are quite probably fine, but peace of mind feels particularly important here, so get it over with.

I would also take a few days just to let all this unpack in your head. Don't make any big decisions in the immediate aftermath of all this - you need a cool head before you make any choices over your DP, particularly if you have a daughter to consider.

Good luck

Thanks James. It all feels really unreal. I started some new medication last week. Checked the side effects today - increased drunkeness, reduced alcohol tolerance, unusual behaviour. Should have checked it earlier. Doesn't excuse my behaviour but helps me to understand how I got so drunk.

It's like a cheater's checklist.

Unsympathetic partner – check
Being ignored on night out – check
Flattering attention from an admirer – check
Too much to drink – check
Taken advantage of – check
Feel terrible about it – check
Won't do it again – check

It may well read that like Irish dad but it sounds like it is out of character for the OP.
I hope you are feeling better today. And I hope things work out for you. If anything this is a lesson to learn what your limits are and not to be so daft again.

"If she'd got into a car and driven home drunk, she'd be culpable; this is no different." If she got into a car when drunk she would have committed a crime. If she was too drunk to consent then someone having 'sex' with her would be rape. She had a crime committed against her. What crime has the OP committed?

Or are you saying that she is culpable to having a crime committed against her? Because that is all kinds of fucked up there.

Hope you are OK OP.

I'd be really evaluating why you are so keen to hang on to this relationship. It doesn't sound like you are getting much out of it .

Hi scallops, I'm ok sort of. I still feel unwell, nauseous, can't eat.
I need to take some time and really think about what I am going to do.

Scallops, I'm saying women don't automatically become incapable of making decisions by virtue of being drunk. It's Victorian infantilisation to insist that we're responsible for our drunken behaviour in some circumstances (eg drink driving) and not others (drunken sex). It lets bad behaviour off the hook, and devalues rape.

It's a whole other thread, but the hypocrisy astounds me; drunken men can consent to (ostensibly consensual) sex, but drunken women can't? It's a logical, legal and moral nonsense.

You're in the wrong relationship. You absolutely are. He's an arse and if you really loved him you wouldn't have been in that situation with another guy. The fact that you told him 'only a cuppa' shows that you knew in the back of your mind there were other possibilities.

I would just get out of this relationship now. If you don't tell him you'll always suffer from guilt and if you do he'll behave like more of a prick to you.

Have to say I agree with baby about drunken consent - drunk doesn't automatically = rape, each situation must be looked at individually and the key in this case is that OP does not feel that it was rape/coerced.

I agree with a few of the others. It sounds like you are in the wrong relationship.

what you did was wrong (but you already know that). If you are planning on staying with your partner, then I really think you need to be 100% honest about what happened. The guilt will eat you up otherwise. I know that I would want to know if I had been cheated on - however hard it is to hear.

I also agree with babycham. It wasn't rape. You didn't say no. If every time an inebriated woman has sex, we called it rape, we'd need to build more prisons! I've had a few drunken ONS. They were great! And I'm a woman - gasp!

Do not tell your DH. Nothing to be gained by this whatsoever. I suspect that this will be a pivotal moment for you, with your drinking and with your relationship.

I can see why you were feeling low that night. Your DH spent the night ignoring you, choosing instead to focus on his ExW and her new Partner. He didn't notice when you got chatted up. And worse still, he didn't make sure that you got home safely. You were probably feeling unappreciated and unloved. You made a mistake. Lesson learned. You haven't killed anyone. Just had a lapse in judgement when you felt unloved.