Do I really not love my husband or am I being dramatic?

[sadmummyof1]

Right this second I don’t want to be with my husband, I want him to leave and I want to be on my own with our son. But this feeling is quite cyclic, so every 2 or 3 months I go through a week of feeling like this but then it dies down.

We got together whilst I was pregnant, and didn’t really get a traditional start to a relationship as it was quite intense, my son was born and OH decided to be his daddy. We didn’t live together straight away, we moved in together in OH’s home town around 18 months after my son’s birth so after 2 years of being together. We got a married a year later (so 3 years together at this point) and so as of February this year we’ve been together for 5 years. 2nd wedding anniversary later on this year. Oh and husband adopted my son.
I’ve always been bossy and wanting things done my way however over the past year it has escalated. I work full time (quite a high pressure job) whereas OH is at university for about 8 hours a week over a couple of days and then does not work (in order to save on after school childcare). I’m getting more and more demanding and probably quite horrible to my OH. However there is a reason for this….
I resent the fact that I work all day (I do love my job) and when I ask my husband to cook dinner he huffs. He hates having to do it. He huffed yesterday when I said he needed to clean the kitchen and sweep the floors and by the end of the week he needed to clean the house. Now, I will ask him nicely but the more he huffs and puffs, the more I resent him. He says he is joking but he always makes “jokey digs”. He jokes that I seem to have a bigger “allowance” than him. Yes I do. It’s my hard earned money AND most of what I buy is for our benefit. He wants me to do a cleaning schedule because he doesn’t know what to do. How about he takes an active part and looks on the internet instead of playing FIFA all day? I am trying to lose weight because of health issues, he wants to lose weight because he is fat (nowhere near as fat as me). He said if I told him what to eat then he’d eat it. Oh so I need to plan my dietary requirements and his as well?
I’m not attracted to him at all (bearing in mind I know I am very overweight, but just because I am doesn’t mean he has an excuse). I give him cash for a haircut and beard trim (I hate his beard it’s revolting to kiss him and then realise his beard was wet. He licks his moustache rather than wipe it) so he pays £20 for this and then within a week his beard looks a mess again because he is too lazy to keep on top of it. Plus, he leaves beard hairs all over the bathroom
We go to the supermarket, I ask him to pick up something up from a lower shelf, he bends over and his arse crack is there for everyone to see. I mean like 3 inches of it. It is so embarrassing when there are people in the same aisle and I see them shudder. He refuses to get jeans in a bigger size so his smaller jeans cut in under his belly and then he might lift his arms and his stomach pops out. It’s revolting! He also doesn’t brush his teeth and oh my gosh I actually can’t have him face me when he talks to me in the car because it stinks.
Now, I actually feel really awful that I feel this way. If someone talked/felt like this about me I would be humiliated and upset. But I have tried to talk about this nicely with him and I genuinely don’t think he cares. In fact I don’t know how he feels as he never opens up. So overtime this has built up into utter resentment. Instead of going home happy to see him, the first thing I do is walk through the door, see it’s a mess and straight away I flip out. Then I look at him sat on the sofa on his phone and I’m repelled physically and emotionally.
But do I have the right to feel this way when I am overweight and spend my days basically wearing crocs, leggings and a baggy top!!! All the above is making me loathe the sight of him but it’s hypocritical isn’t it? I am losing weight slowly but I’ve had 4 years where I’ve not done anything about it. It’s not until I was diagnosed with an illness that I actually picked my own fat arse up off the sofa and did something about it. He is such a good father, our son probably loves him more than I. And he does care about me, he does want to make me happy, he just doesn’t.
Am I a bitch?

You said that you cycle through phases of loving him and then feeling like this.

Where do you think that comes from? Are you anxious? Do you think the bossiness is related, in a need-for-control type way?

As other posters have said, the first post is simmering with resentment - It may well be a big brain dump of all your feelings, though. Now you need to identify which ones are the real issues, or if they are all issues and the facts are that you don't love him anymore and therefore all the little things that you could once look past are too much, altogether, for you to take.

Like...if he brushed his teeth, clearly that would be an improvement, but would it make you want to kiss him? If he lost weight, would that make him more attractive or would you still not find him attractive because he's still not meeting all your requirements?

Would you like him to get a job? Or clean - and if you do want him to clean, can you let go enough that he can clean in his own way when he feels it needs doing, or does he need to do it your way?

You need to identify what could change, then how likely it is that the change would make any difference, and then how likely he is to actually make the chance and persevere with it long term.

If he really is your best friend, that would suggest that you just don't love him anymore and maybe you're better as friends. I don't mean that to be harsh, just that maybe you can tolerate his weight/breath/lack of cleaning/laziness better as a friend, rather than a partner? But I also think that's not overly reliable, because it's quite likely that you're reviewing that status through rose-coloured glasses. Everyone wants their husband to be their best friend.

I think maybe living apart would help but that sounds as if it'd be difficult at the moment.

Penguinepenguins – I’m not defensive, I’m frustrated when I’m misunderstood. Written word doesn’t always work or rather I use the wrong words and just end up making myself look like a twit.
I don’t want people to necessarily agree with me, I do want to try to fix our relationship. I was really upset this morning (would you believe that what triggered this was DH eating my packed lunch at 2am that I had made to take to work despite him saying he didn’t like chicken sandwiches)
He isn’t studying during the day at the moment, I know this as we have a parental timer on the iMac for DS and according to it DH has amassed at least 8 hours a day on FIFA. I don’t mind if he isn’t studying but if he isn’t studying he could at least do some housework.
If he earns more than me it won’t matter. I don’t feel like either of us have a better status due to earnings. I really want him to get a good job earning a good wage because I know it will fulfil him. He was extremely depressed in his min wage shop job and university is his path to being a better person (for himself). He does exceedingly well at university and I am the first person he tells when he gets a 1st.
I appreciate what he does with DS but not with the house. I don’t think he appreciates what I do either because he was used to it with his mother. He has said before that if he had lived on his own between leaving his parents and moving in with me that maybe he would be more responsible.

If you wanted to lose weight you would have all ready done so. You would rather just have a go at his. Even though your bigger than him.

People with anxiety or depression have trouble making decisions.

Also people living with bullies leaves you indecisive as you don't trust your own thought.

You buy him presents like a child.

You criticised his food choices up thread. You also said up thread that you generally choose the shopping but you might let him have a go ....

None of this is your fault is op??

Something that just occurred to me... Do you feel that you treat him like a child?

He acts very much like a teenager doing babysitting rather than a grown man. He'll clean if you nag him, his hygiene is poor, he has to ask for money, he spends all his time on video games, he's studying, he's not working, he's not particularly bothered about his appearance or things like his clothes fitting.

He sounds like a teenager, one who might well be thriving as a dad, but that still means you are essentially parenting two children. Your post is like the frustrated, ambitious accounts of a mother who is trying to teach her son to do the right things.

It'd be interesting to know if you see it like that and if so, how much of your life has now fallen into that strange dynamic of you being the "parent".

AnchorDownDeepBreath

*You said that you cycle through phases of loving him and then feeling like this.

Where do you think that comes from? Are you anxious? Do you think the bossiness is related, in a need-for-control type way? *
I get anxious yes, I sometimes take propranolol but only if it gets really bad. And yes the bossiness is related to needing to be in control so nothing goes wrong. There was one month before our wedding where DH spent a grand on online gambling. Since that moment I’ve had anxiety badly about money. And then with the overspending at university it brought it back again.

*As other posters have said, the first post is simmering with resentment - It may well be a big brain dump of all your feelings, though. Now you need to identify which ones are the real issues, or if they are all issues and the facts are that you don't love him anymore and therefore all the little things that you could once look past are too much, altogether, for you to take.

Like...if he brushed his teeth, clearly that would be an improvement, but would it make you want to kiss him? If he lost weight, would that make him more attractive or would you still not find him attractive because he's still not meeting all your requirements? *
I think I would kiss him if his breath didn’t stink and if he shaved the beard off. He is attractive without those. I really can’t describe how bad his breath is, it’s like something has died in his mouth. His solution is chewing gum but it does NOT mask it.

Would you like him to get a job? Or clean - and if you do want him to clean, can you let go enough that he can clean in his own way when he feels it needs doing, or does he need to do it your way?
No I don’t want him to get a job as he would be unhappy but I would like him to clean. I don’t care what method he uses as long as once he is done, it’s clean.

*You need to identify what could change, then how likely it is that the change would make any difference, and then how likely he is to actually make the chance and persevere with it long term.

If he really is your best friend, that would suggest that you just don't love him anymore and maybe you're better as friends. I don't mean that to be harsh, just that maybe you can tolerate his weight/breath/lack of cleaning/laziness better as a friend, rather than a partner? But I also think that's not overly reliable, because it's quite likely that you're reviewing that status through rose-coloured glasses. Everyone wants their husband to be their best friend. *
We do spend most of our time as friends. But I assumed that is the basis to a good relationship

I think maybe living apart would help but that sounds as if it'd be difficult at the moment.
Very, DS and DH would miss each other too much.

I think it was unintentional, but there are some massive dripfeeds there.

Like, you said you control the budget and get a bigger allowance than him, because you earn the money and spend it on the family. Which looks a bit odd...But really, it's because he can't be trusted with money. He spends it all too fast and it's not just bad budgeting, because he once blew £1k on gambling. So there's a very good reason that he doesn't have free access to family money!

I can totally sympathise on the hygiene front, my dad gave up brushing his teeth and even standing near him became unbearable, the smell was wretched. I couldn't be with someone who didn't find that a priority. I always wondered how nobody mentioned it to him...and I think gum almost makes it worse because there is more smelly saliva then!

Is he a good husband, overall? He seems to have a done a lot of damaging things - asking ex's for photos, gambling... did he make a real effort to show you that he's changed?

Chocolatteaddict1 – I should probably stop you right there

If you wanted to lose weight you would have already done so. You would rather just have a go at his. Even though you’re bigger than him.
I have a condition that means my body thinks it has a brain tumour. Has made life extremely difficult. Previously unable to be active, constantly LPs, valves in my head. So it’s probably best to leave the fat thing alone as it’s not as simple as “lose weight fatty”. I am losing weight.
To be a bully I would have to actually bully him. I don’t. I don’t criticise him, I don’t put him down. I encourage him. I do lose my temper when the house is a state. I have never bullied him about his weight, I have suggested quietly that he needs to go up a jean size. I have never told him, that he looks like shit. I have told him that I don’t really enjoy kissing him with a beard.
I thank him every day for being a wonderful father. I have all these thoughts and worries in private

Yes another massive drip feed

AnchorDownDeepBreath
Something that just occurred to me... Do you feel that you treat him like a child?
Yes, I don’t feel like I do it maliciously. I do feel like I do it based on historic behaviour, ie there is a cycle/rut. I think it is both of our faults. When we moved in together I knew how to run a household so I just did. I didn’t allow him to discover how to do things his own way I guess. But now, well it’s almost like it is too late

*He acts very much like a teenager doing babysitting rather than a grown man. He'll clean if you nag him, his hygiene is poor, he has to ask for money, he spends all his time on video games, he's studying, he's not working, he's not particularly bothered about his appearance or things like his clothes fitting.

He sounds like a teenager, one who might well be thriving as a dad, but that still means you are essentially parenting two children. Your post is like the frustrated, ambitious accounts of a mother who is trying to teach her son to do the right things.

It'd be interesting to know if you see it like that and if so, how much of your life has now fallen into that strange dynamic of you being the "parent".*
I do feel like I have two children. I have to ask him not to stay up past 1pm. Only because the chair squeaks and keeps me awake mind you !
*I think it was unintentional, but there are some massive dripfeeds there.

Like, you said you control the budget and get a bigger allowance than him, because you earn the money and spend it on the family. Which looks a bit odd...But really, it's because he can't be trusted with money. He spends it all too fast and it's not just bad budgeting, because he once blew £1k on gambling. So there's a very good reason that he doesn't have free access to family money! *
Yes, I would like to think I can trust him one day. I don’t LIKE having to regulate money. It isn’t enjoyable otherwise I wouldn’t have posted originally.

I can totally sympathise on the hygiene front, my dad gave up brushing his teeth and even standing near him became unbearable, the smell was wretched. I couldn't be with someone who didn't find that a priority. I always wondered how nobody mentioned it to him...and I think gum almost makes it worse because there is more smelly saliva then!
I’ve stopped mentioning it because I thought he if cared he would have done something about it. But he knows when its bad as he can see me flinch

Is he a good husband, overall? He seems to have a done a lot of damaging things - asking ex's for photos, gambling... did he make a real effort to show you that he's changed?
The photos thing, I think he was immature even at 24. Maybe due to never leaving home I don’t know. He hasn’t done anything like that for 2 nearly 3 years (he did something else a couple of other times within the following year)
He knows I don’t need him to spend money on me, he came home with a bunch of flowers from ASDA the other night as they were 10p and he knows I like a bargain. So it was an injoke. So yes he is a good husband

I don't think op sounds like a bully. She sounds very fed up and he sounds like a waste of space.

There was a thread yesterday about an unhygienic husband and most posters said it was disrespectful and he wouldn't change so leave. So the lack of teeth brushing alone would be a deal breaker for me.

Chocolatteaddict1 - not sure whether you are implying I'm lying or.....

You don't love him - that is clear. Why are you staying? - I only ask this so that you can sit down and ask yourself this question, which is the fundamental one here.

Just a thought - there are millions of women who are stay-at-home Mums who resent the fact that their finances are not shared 50:50, because although they are not out at work they do just as much work. Your situation is reversed. Maybe there should just be a sharing of resources equally - that is if you decide you want to be with him.

Your revulsion at his weight may also reflect how you feel about yourself, and that needs addressing.

If you don't like seeing his but crack in the supermarket, don't ask him to bend over!!!

So actually what you are saying is that you are getting very stressed by the situation but none of it is a deal breaker at the moment. You just want to sort the relationship.

What would be a deal breaker for you (apart from abuse as you mentioned)?

Tbh your description makes me think he is lazy, maybe a bit depressed and useless with money.
The weight and beard are a non issue. It's his body, up to him to decide what he wants to do.
The breath.... Is another issue. Yes it's his body it you are also within your rights to say no kissing if it's that bad (maybe that would be enough to make him think)

IdealWeather – Yes, I think I got there in the end, I generally have to work through a load of verbal/mental garbage first.

Deal breaker would be if he stopped being a proper dad to DS. If he just sat him in front of the television all day. I don’t know if that happens as I am not there but I don’t think he does that.

Can you make someone non useless with money? I’d give him the control back if I knew he wouldn’t blow it. I can’t afford to pay all the bills on my own

put the shoe on the other foot...how would it read if this were a man talking about his wife..."its my money so i spend it how I like".....I don't know why you're still together ifs this is how you feel and i do actually feel sorry for your husband!....

Eh? I thought I was supporting you.

I’ve always been the trouser wearing partner

I think that may be some/ most of the problem here. You want to wear the trousers, you LIKE being in control, you don't really trust him (possibly with good reason), but at the same time you want him to take control of him. I think perhaps you have emasculated him to an extent. It is great he's doing well at Uni and it sounds like he's come a long way from zero cleaning to what he does now.

You could sit down together and work out healthy meal plans. Search for healthy recipes online, and print them, and make a folder. Doing it together will add more interest to helping each other get healthy. Take time out to walk together, getting fit will give you both more spark.

Sorry wrong chocolate

I wouldn't be surprised if your DH is having doubts about your marriage too and is maybe feeling a bit trapped.

Is the hygiene thing recent? Has he always been like that? Could it be a way of reppelling you?

I think you need to have an honest conversation and don't be surprised if you hear things about yourself that you don't like.

I do want to try to fix our relationship. Right. If that's what you want then I think it's time to take some action. Could you have a serious talk with him and tell him you're worried now about the state of your marriage and it is starting to feel like you're losing respect for each other. Say that youve tried to raise the issues about his beard and his breath, but the fact he's not got it sorted feels like he doesn't respect you or even care if you fancy him. Say that those things, together with his lack of motivation, his excessive online football time, and his refusal to be responsible for either money or home, are all starting to seriously turn you off him, and you're worried you'll end up ending the marriage. So, then you ask, will he agree to go with you to couples therapy to get these issues, and any issues he may have, sorted out?

One thing is for sure, you cannot carry on as you are.

How do you make someone less useless with money?

Budget?
Reviewing outcome once a week to check that budget on track and ignore why not.
If budget not on track, what do we have to cut down? Stress of wondering how you are going to pay for food at the end of the month/o ly have bakes beans on toast etc

I'm basing that on the fact that before living with and you having a right fist around finances, he was living with his mum and seems to have P idea what a budget is or what is the consequence of not being careful.
The only way to do it is for him to experience it (and yes you will probably end up with some months where he has overspent, and have to tighten the belt a lot at the end of the month)
Have a joint account for food etc that you both have access to (but keep some of the money on your account so that if there is a problem itsnot a huge huge one iyswim)
And stop talking about 'my money' when it's clothes for your ds, stuff for the house etc. Your money is to do what you want with it, just like his money. Ensure its the same amount. This will avoid resentment t in his side (and will be much fairer)

No wonder you're not attracted to him - he's a child, not a man.

Asking an ex for boob photos. It could not get more oedipal really, could it?

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time, he sounds fucking revolting. I'd have put his arse out the door a long time ago.

You know just because you're overweight does not mean you have to settle for some lazy, deliberately-incompetent, slime-encrusted man-child.

I think he suffers from Incompetent Husband syndrome. (Search for the thread on it OP).

He is acting in a passive aggressive manner. He chooses not to face up and take control of everyday life events because he knows you will do it for him. And then has the audacity to accuse you of nagging or he huffs. Well that's part of his control of you technique. When he does that, you back off. He wins and didn't have to lift a lazy finger.

It is the height of disrespect for the woman you are.

Get some counselling or get out.

How long till DS goes to Secondary school because you won't need childcare then. Not that childcare is the issue here.

And tell him to grow the fuck up and go to the dentist for his halitosis.

And please stop hating yourself for falling in love with a man child. Please put yourself first because it seems to me that you never do.

Op I feel for you, I really do. I've read through all your responses and I'm not sure I could stick with a bloke like this. It sounds as though he's happy to have you make all decisions for him and to support him financially.

Certainly he may be depressed but you can't force him to go to his GP and get treatment.

If the finances were bothering him on any level he could go out and get some sort of job even if it was just for his own spending money.

I'm afraid I agree with other comments that I think you should separate, even if just to get perspective and decide what you want to do.