Do I really not love my husband or am I being dramatic?

[sadmummyof1]

Right this second I don’t want to be with my husband, I want him to leave and I want to be on my own with our son. But this feeling is quite cyclic, so every 2 or 3 months I go through a week of feeling like this but then it dies down.

We got together whilst I was pregnant, and didn’t really get a traditional start to a relationship as it was quite intense, my son was born and OH decided to be his daddy. We didn’t live together straight away, we moved in together in OH’s home town around 18 months after my son’s birth so after 2 years of being together. We got a married a year later (so 3 years together at this point) and so as of February this year we’ve been together for 5 years. 2nd wedding anniversary later on this year. Oh and husband adopted my son.
I’ve always been bossy and wanting things done my way however over the past year it has escalated. I work full time (quite a high pressure job) whereas OH is at university for about 8 hours a week over a couple of days and then does not work (in order to save on after school childcare). I’m getting more and more demanding and probably quite horrible to my OH. However there is a reason for this….
I resent the fact that I work all day (I do love my job) and when I ask my husband to cook dinner he huffs. He hates having to do it. He huffed yesterday when I said he needed to clean the kitchen and sweep the floors and by the end of the week he needed to clean the house. Now, I will ask him nicely but the more he huffs and puffs, the more I resent him. He says he is joking but he always makes “jokey digs”. He jokes that I seem to have a bigger “allowance” than him. Yes I do. It’s my hard earned money AND most of what I buy is for our benefit. He wants me to do a cleaning schedule because he doesn’t know what to do. How about he takes an active part and looks on the internet instead of playing FIFA all day? I am trying to lose weight because of health issues, he wants to lose weight because he is fat (nowhere near as fat as me). He said if I told him what to eat then he’d eat it. Oh so I need to plan my dietary requirements and his as well?
I’m not attracted to him at all (bearing in mind I know I am very overweight, but just because I am doesn’t mean he has an excuse). I give him cash for a haircut and beard trim (I hate his beard it’s revolting to kiss him and then realise his beard was wet. He licks his moustache rather than wipe it) so he pays £20 for this and then within a week his beard looks a mess again because he is too lazy to keep on top of it. Plus, he leaves beard hairs all over the bathroom
We go to the supermarket, I ask him to pick up something up from a lower shelf, he bends over and his arse crack is there for everyone to see. I mean like 3 inches of it. It is so embarrassing when there are people in the same aisle and I see them shudder. He refuses to get jeans in a bigger size so his smaller jeans cut in under his belly and then he might lift his arms and his stomach pops out. It’s revolting! He also doesn’t brush his teeth and oh my gosh I actually can’t have him face me when he talks to me in the car because it stinks.
Now, I actually feel really awful that I feel this way. If someone talked/felt like this about me I would be humiliated and upset. But I have tried to talk about this nicely with him and I genuinely don’t think he cares. In fact I don’t know how he feels as he never opens up. So overtime this has built up into utter resentment. Instead of going home happy to see him, the first thing I do is walk through the door, see it’s a mess and straight away I flip out. Then I look at him sat on the sofa on his phone and I’m repelled physically and emotionally.
But do I have the right to feel this way when I am overweight and spend my days basically wearing crocs, leggings and a baggy top!!! All the above is making me loathe the sight of him but it’s hypocritical isn’t it? I am losing weight slowly but I’ve had 4 years where I’ve not done anything about it. It’s not until I was diagnosed with an illness that I actually picked my own fat arse up off the sofa and did something about it. He is such a good father, our son probably loves him more than I. And he does care about me, he does want to make me happy, he just doesn’t.
Am I a bitch?

[Desperina]

He sounds like a waste of 90% of his space. You don't actually need him for anything, by the sounds of it. He sounds like a drain on you and you have the ability to sack him and find someone a lot more worthy!

[SBD1]

@myheartbelongstog

Sounded is different to actually being abusive. I'm not abusive and I've never been abusive. Anyway, I was just posting an update that we'd worked through issues and are a lot happier.

Re Beard....why? I haven't said anything to him and I'm (not) sorry, but I can't stand it. I'm allowed to not like something, like I said - if it makes him happy I'm not going to comment on it but there is nothing wrong with not liking it. I'm sure there are things you might not like about your other half.

Annnyywaaaaaaayyyy like I said, we're now happy.

[MyheartbelongstoG]

Yep, you defo sounded abusive in original op.

Re the beard, just leave it alone!

[SBD1]

I haven't got a clue what designer stubble is!

If he really loves his beard, I'm not going to tell him to get rid of it. He does look after it more than last year however, he just needs gentle reminding sometimes to trim it. Maybe I will invest in a beard trimmer for him.....

@baconsandwiches - just as well things have changed since my original post :)

[baconsandwiches]

If you're not attracted to him at all, surely that there is reason enough to not be together? Like others, I found it quite uncomfortable to read. I could also absolutely not be in a relationship with somebody where I received an 'allowance', that to me just does not seem like an equal adult relationship.

[user1479305498]

Tell him how much you" like" designer stubble!! rather than "dont like a beard" my husband has always had designer stubble, cant imagine him without it.

[SBD1]

Well, when he can be bothered to go to the barber he get's his beard done as well, (quite short) but the problem is he doesn't maintain it. I'd bought him hair clippers ages ago but they've had to be thrown away as he's not looked after them. I have thought about getting some sort of beard trimmer, but then also thought he should really look into it (me trying to not do things for him in a parent way).

He also resents paying monthly to go a barber. I used to give him the money but he pays for it himself now. One of those things - he's got more financial freedom now but hates that it comes out of his money. I can't win lol.

But hey ho, if having a beard makes him happy. I think it's partially because he's still losing weight and doesn't like how his face looks without it.

[Huskylover1]

That's a nice update!

Re the beard, can't you just ask him to shave it off/trim it much shorter? I'm sure he wouldn't mind. My DH kept coming back from the Barbers with a haircut so short, I jokingly asked whether he was joining the army. Like literally each strand of hair was 1mm long. I hated it. He did it a few more times, and I told him I hated it. He now has a proper haircut, and looks so much better, and he likes it too.

[SBD1]

I don't know why I am returning to this thread, maybe digging up something a year old isn't the best thing!

When I posted this originally, I had got to the end of my tether with our relationship, I was full of contemptuous thoughts for my husband and he saw me as a dragon lady who restricted him. He says this is why he retreated to the study (gaming 8 hours a day etc).

I know some people explicitly stated that I was an abuser, whilst I think this was extreme, in a sense they weren't far wrong. In a healthy relationship you wouldn't expect your partner to blame you for everything etc . So I guess I was heading in that direction.

The good news is that we are now happy. We restructured our finances so that we both had "pocket money" a month that could be spent on whatever we wanted. We both had equal amounts. We still don't manage finances together however husband got a part time job so that he is contributing to the household whilst at university. I've stopped holding grudges for the photos (requesting them from an ex etc) and I have started to lose weight which I think has made me happier, less mood swings less depression. We are still paying off debt but he is now understanding when I say, no we can't afford a bigger television. I also got him a car which for some reason has been the biggest change, perhaps because he now has a sense of independence? It's only a Clio, a little old run around but it's made him happy. For me - the biggest change is him going back to work, he works 3 nights a week and now he keeps £250 a month to pay for his fuel and uni expenses, the rest goes into the household. I actually don't have any spending money but I made the decision to put that towards debt because I am responsible for more of the debt than him.

We still have our moments like most families but it is a lot better. I don't think we've had a serious argument in months. We've both stopped taking each other for granted, and I have got over my "I earn it so it's mine" mentality. Although funnily enough, since he started working, he's developed that mentality! But....who can blame him, after all....I probably influenced that.

However....the beard has not gone. I don't tell him I hate it. But I do hate it!!! But....I guess I did say in our marriage vows that I'd love him whatever the circumstances....grumble grumble

Anyway. I just wanted to post this, because. Well I don't know really. It did me good to rant anonymously on the web, I specifically chose Mumsnet to do it on because I know people don't bite their tongue when responding. It helped, it really really helped to have someone tell me that I was being unreasonable. I don't have anyone else in my life to do that.

To all those woman and men who have ever felt like me, don't give up!

[IdealWeather]

He then said that perhaps he is making excuses for himself, that he says I treat him like a teenager because he chooses to act like one. I said well perhaps I act too much like a parent

That is a great insight and proibably the best you could have hoped from that discussion.
Now you both need to act on that one. What can he do to be less of teenager that refuses to take any responsibilities?
What can you do to be less of a parent (I'm think that teaching him how to clean floors for example isn't the best to avoid that) and look at him in a 'equal' position (I'm thinking transactional analysis there, not that you feel superior to him!)?
Be aware of what you say, experessions etc..., what you expect from him and so on. And please avoid the urge to 'correct him' if he tries to clean the floors but it's not quite right

[Sunshine87]

I would call it a day to be honest OP.

[Dungandbother]

Great going. That sounds really positive.

[sadmummyof1]

We have talked during the last hour. He didn't realise that I really had a problem with his beard and he admits he needs to sort the halitosis. He feels like he went from having lots of money living at home to not having any money living as a family.

We have some debt from moving into our home (which I am paying off) and he resents that. I pointed out that we couldn't have afforded a bed and sofa without the debt etc. He resents that we no longer have his car as I was given a bigger car by my mum and couldn't afford to run both cars so he had to give his up. I've said well the car we got was better for us as a family and has broken down less but I think he sees it as me making him give something of his up (which was two years ago). He is right, I was adamant we were keeping the new car. But it was more practical so I felt justified, he only wanted to keep the other car as it was his first car.

I asked if he wanted to be in charge of all the budgeting and he said no because he doesn't want to muck it up. I said you can ask for help though if you don't know what you are doing. He still doesn't want to do it. So I suggested being in charge of the food. Set amount of money in my spare bank account (I don't use it, and we have a card for it) and he has to plan the meals for the month or at least know what he is doing. Starting point perhaps.

He feels like he has to ask for permission for things, as an example has to ask for permission to use the car on a certain day. I said yes but I use the car to get to work so surely you do need to ask. You don't need to ask for permission but just ask if I wouldn't mind cycling to work.

He wants a pot of money he can use to do things with DS, I pointed out that we already have that. There is a literal pot of money on the side. He says he doesn't want to take from it just in case I have plans for it. But the only reason I have plans for it is because he doesn't EVER suggest doing anything. So of course he can take from it but it would be good if he discusses it with me first. Because if I had a different plan then we can decide which one is best

He then said that perhaps he is making excuses for himself, that he says I treat him like a teenager because he chooses to act like one. I said well perhaps I act too much like a parent

[sadmummyof1]

SecretsAndStuff21
You don't have the chemistry.. did you when you were pregnant and first met him?
What attracted you to him in the first place?

He was kind, considerate and wanted to know me. We laughed a lot he would make the trip to the city I lived in just to spend a day with me. We would go to the cinema and he made me feel safe. I felt safe even after he mucked up a few times. When DS was born he decided after 6 weeks that he wanted to be his dad and it felt right. We'd only known each other for 6 months but it felt right. Also because we didn't live together we each had our own space. We did have chemistry. It was never lustful or anything but I did love him pretty early on and enjoy sex or whatever.

He still is kind and considerate but I think because we have been together for 5 years we've both lost some of the spark. And it is hard. It's hard for me because I feel like he just is complacent about it all. It;s hard for him because I bottle it all up and then explode. He thinks its fine and that I am just nagging him as you do in relationships but he never is aware that I think they are major problems

[SecretsAndStuff21]

You don't have the chemistry.. did you when you were pregnant and first met him?
What attracted you to him in the first place?

[FantasticButtocks]

He lost one thousand pounds gambling online. He spends eight hours in one day playing on the computer and not bothering to clear up while his dw is out at work. He has text another woman asking for rude pictures, and other incidents. He spends irresponsibly. He takes no care of their home or of himself. He expects her to put up with his bad breath and his filthy beard.

And OP is the abusive one? I am incredulous.

[Dungandbother]

I have to disagree with those saying you are abusive.

There's a huge difference in being controlling and being IN control.

You are the latter. Believe me he is controlling you with his man child behaviour. He has escalated it to this point because he doesn't pull his weight equally on your team. If he has differing goals then he isn't making them heard. You are, but unfortunately he isn't hearing them.

Is he willing to sit down and talk things through in an adult way? Nope he just reverts to
I don't know how. Even though you've spent years trying to teach him.

He doesn't want his life to change. It's cushti at your expense.

You're exhausted.

[SecretsAndStuff21]

I think he has very low self esteem. I feel very sorry for the both of you.
His life must be drudgery , he's treated as a convenience.
I have seen this in relationships; I know a lovely man who is shall we say a simple person ( not thick just uncomplicated) Wife is vile to him.
What has your being fat got to do with any of this?
Be honest with him, and set him free.
I'm sure he will continue to be a good dad to your son ( who needs a good role model)

[IdealWeather]

The opening post was basically a brain dump from the OP. It wasn't well thought out, organised with aall the infos etc..
I'm not even sure this is how she actually feels (and I'm not sure she knows it either).

The emotions I picked were anger and overwhelem. And a feeling of being lost.

sad Relate can be a good idea but maybe also counselling for yourself. You really need to get a etter insight on what is OK or not in a relationship for you.
When you said earlier that your deal breaker is for your DH not look after your ds properly, you are missing something. Thast deal breaker has nothing to do with your relationship WITH HIM. You need to understand what your deal breakers are in a relationship othertwise how can you let go of doesn't quite matter and fight for what matters?

[OohMavis]

X-post. Well, at least you have a plan. Good luck with everything.

[OohMavis]

I'm with curren on this. Your original post was absolutely horrible, and it appears to me that every post after that has been an attempt to appear to soften your stance or present more evidence of why he deserves to be financially abused and considered lowly and revolting.

Of course he sounds awful now you've dripfed everything he's done in the past. Abusers often have pages and pages of reasons and excuses as to why they abuse - they're never at fault. But the responsibility for abusive behaviour always, without exception, falls at the feet of the abuser.

You need to consider, seriously, ending the relationship. You're not happy, he sounds at best unhappy, at worse quite depressed. What do you get from this?

[sadmummyof1]

I've emailed relate this afternoon because if I'm to learn to understand him and visa versa then we would need to work on communication. I got home 30 minutes ago and he's putting DS to bed. I now feel really bad for being so angry earlier. I still am angry but I feel like I do have feelings whereas when I'm away from him it's easy to dismiss the feelings and well not feel them. But at the same time it worries me. I don't want to be flightless and indecisive and well, full of shit! I can't say what I've said here and then not address anything with him

[Crazyqueenofthecatladies]

I remember hearing a piece on the radio from a marriage counsellor talking about the one emotion that best predicted whether a marriage was beyond saving. It wasn't anger, jealousy, fear or indifference, it was contempt. Read your opening post again and I think you'll have your answer. Oh and I've been there too, where I simply could not abide the man I'd married. It was beyond awful. I'm so glad we split instead of dragging the agony out any longer. Hugs.

[Enjoyingthepeace]

Anyone else read this and think of the Twits?

It sounds dire OP. You sound overwhelmed but like you have a lot going for you.... Full time job,trying to lose weight. Whereas your partner sounds well, pretty unpleasant if I'm honest.

[sadmummyof1]

Curren- now who's being dramatic! I clearly was in a bit of a state when I wrote my OP, and no I am not intentionally drip feeding information. Maybe I'm a human who just misses bits out?! Maybe I didn't think it was important until I had to explain? I am not an abuser and it abhorrent to suggest that. I don't cycle through periods of love and hate to his face. I don't tell him one week that I love him and the next week that I don't. ITS IN MY HEAD.

So what if I originally said I'd earned the money so I was going to have more!!!! Isn't that what happens when you work through your issues? You say shit that's sometimes not as accurate as the next thing you say.