Do I really not love my husband or am I being dramatic?

[sadmummyof1]

Right this second I don’t want to be with my husband, I want him to leave and I want to be on my own with our son. But this feeling is quite cyclic, so every 2 or 3 months I go through a week of feeling like this but then it dies down.

We got together whilst I was pregnant, and didn’t really get a traditional start to a relationship as it was quite intense, my son was born and OH decided to be his daddy. We didn’t live together straight away, we moved in together in OH’s home town around 18 months after my son’s birth so after 2 years of being together. We got a married a year later (so 3 years together at this point) and so as of February this year we’ve been together for 5 years. 2nd wedding anniversary later on this year. Oh and husband adopted my son.
I’ve always been bossy and wanting things done my way however over the past year it has escalated. I work full time (quite a high pressure job) whereas OH is at university for about 8 hours a week over a couple of days and then does not work (in order to save on after school childcare). I’m getting more and more demanding and probably quite horrible to my OH. However there is a reason for this….
I resent the fact that I work all day (I do love my job) and when I ask my husband to cook dinner he huffs. He hates having to do it. He huffed yesterday when I said he needed to clean the kitchen and sweep the floors and by the end of the week he needed to clean the house. Now, I will ask him nicely but the more he huffs and puffs, the more I resent him. He says he is joking but he always makes “jokey digs”. He jokes that I seem to have a bigger “allowance” than him. Yes I do. It’s my hard earned money AND most of what I buy is for our benefit. He wants me to do a cleaning schedule because he doesn’t know what to do. How about he takes an active part and looks on the internet instead of playing FIFA all day? I am trying to lose weight because of health issues, he wants to lose weight because he is fat (nowhere near as fat as me). He said if I told him what to eat then he’d eat it. Oh so I need to plan my dietary requirements and his as well?
I’m not attracted to him at all (bearing in mind I know I am very overweight, but just because I am doesn’t mean he has an excuse). I give him cash for a haircut and beard trim (I hate his beard it’s revolting to kiss him and then realise his beard was wet. He licks his moustache rather than wipe it) so he pays £20 for this and then within a week his beard looks a mess again because he is too lazy to keep on top of it. Plus, he leaves beard hairs all over the bathroom
We go to the supermarket, I ask him to pick up something up from a lower shelf, he bends over and his arse crack is there for everyone to see. I mean like 3 inches of it. It is so embarrassing when there are people in the same aisle and I see them shudder. He refuses to get jeans in a bigger size so his smaller jeans cut in under his belly and then he might lift his arms and his stomach pops out. It’s revolting! He also doesn’t brush his teeth and oh my gosh I actually can’t have him face me when he talks to me in the car because it stinks.
Now, I actually feel really awful that I feel this way. If someone talked/felt like this about me I would be humiliated and upset. But I have tried to talk about this nicely with him and I genuinely don’t think he cares. In fact I don’t know how he feels as he never opens up. So overtime this has built up into utter resentment. Instead of going home happy to see him, the first thing I do is walk through the door, see it’s a mess and straight away I flip out. Then I look at him sat on the sofa on his phone and I’m repelled physically and emotionally.
But do I have the right to feel this way when I am overweight and spend my days basically wearing crocs, leggings and a baggy top!!! All the above is making me loathe the sight of him but it’s hypocritical isn’t it? I am losing weight slowly but I’ve had 4 years where I’ve not done anything about it. It’s not until I was diagnosed with an illness that I actually picked my own fat arse up off the sofa and did something about it. He is such a good father, our son probably loves him more than I. And he does care about me, he does want to make me happy, he just doesn’t.
Am I a bitch?

It's what is expected of a woman who is a 'housewife' so why is it different because he is a man?

Really? Is it to be expected ? I'm now a SAHM and not expected to do anything. I do house work because I want to. If I didn't I wouldn't. And if Dh ever told me I need to get in the kitchen and clean it - oh how I would laugh

He hasn't even got access to the same money as her - if this was a reverse posters would be saying he is financially abusive.

I see no point in you being together. For whatever reason, you don't respect him.

Let him go nicely. Don't give a list of things you hate about him. That's demoralising and really just your opinion. Nor can you change people. They are who they are.

It's ok to just not want to be with someone if you're not on the same page, which is what I think your real issue is. You both have different ideas about life and how to live it.

He will probably have joint custody of your son when you split so don't worry about that relationship post separation.

Let's actually reverse it shall we?

"I’m not attracted to her at all (bearing in mind I know I am very overweight, but just because I am doesn’t mean she has an excuse)."

"She huffed yesterday when I said she needed to clean the kitchen and sweep the floors and by the end of the week she needed to clean the house. Now, I will ask her nicely but the more she huffs and puffs, the more I resent her."

"She jokes that I seem to have a bigger “allowance” than her. Yes I do. It’s my hard earned money AND most of what I buy is for our benefit."

"I’m getting more and more demanding and probably quite horrible to her. However there is a reason for this…"

"Instead of going home happy to see her, the first thing I do is walk through the door, see it’s a mess and straight away I flip out. Then I look at her sat on the sofa on her phone and I’m repelled physically and emotionally."

My God you'd be roasted alive.

Chocolate I'm sure your DH would say something, if you never lifted a finger tho. He's not having to ask you to clean, because you do it already. Op is getting home to a shit tip, and he's playing video games. That'd annoy me too.

If I was out at work all day, and DH was a SAHD, to one child who was in school for most of the day, I would expect DH to take care of the home.

I work from home, and I manage to do all the housework, so that when DH gets in, we can spend the evening together, chore free. He never tells me to do that, but it makes sense, as I am the one here. I work it into my day, it's easy. And I even have time for Mumsnet

Yes op is controlling him financially, but isn't he doing the same if he doesn't want to work and doesn't do the housework or cook? You can control people by opting out and forcing them to look after you against their wishes and getting cross when they ask you to 'help'.

If he's the primary carer he could easily go for custody on divorce, along with maintenance from your 'hard earned money'. At least he is studying, he's not just lazing around.

You should leave him though as you must be making him miserable!

Chocolatteaddict1 – No I’m not a hypocrite. A hypocrite would be to judge him for being overweight but be horrified at the prospect that he might not fancy me for being overweight. At no point have I indicated that it is ok for me to judge him without him feeling the same way about me. I've been clear about my physical wellbeing etc

My excuse is the usual, spent a few years dealing with depression, spiralled out of control and then hit rock bottom and wasn’t able to lose the weight because I couldn’t move due to a serious health condition (quite clearly self inflicted)
I should have clarified about the childcare thing. DS is at school, my OH picks him up from school and they have son and father time before I get home from work. So 2 hours a day.

And by bitch and order him to clean the kitchen – he gets up at 10am, plays FIFA to 3pm, collects DS from school and then spends two hours with him. I get home at 6.30 and cook dinner for us all whilst he sits in the living room with DS. I don’t “order” him to clean the kitchen, I just thought it was relatively fair that he would maybe clean it on the days he is not at university.
And at what point have I indicated that I bully him about his personal hygiene? I’ve asked him to clean his teeth…..how that is bullying.

Chinks123 – I know it’s not normal at all and I don’t want to feel this way, I really try to just encourage him to exercise with me or suggest that we could plan food together. But he won’t, and then I eventually resent him for it. He didn’t repulse me at the start, I don’t know why he does now.

LizzieMacQueen – He can’t work full time at the moment as he is at university. I did suggest that I would be happy for him to work 1 day a week so we could afford a cleaner which he objected to. I wasn’t forcing it on him though it was just a suggestion. Not sure if it was a helpful suggestion or perhaps he felt like it was a put down, but I was trying to give him the option. I don’t know about his self-esteem, he’s at his happiest when he is at university or with DS. He doesn’t really tell me how he feels about much

hellsbellsmelons - Yes you are right, when he went to uni he said he didn’t want to work part time as well so I said it was fine. I wasn’t going to force him to work if he didn’t want to. I just said that if he was going to be at home lots then it would be good if he could take charge of the household to which he agreed. Essentially he is the housewife and I’m bringing home the bacon. Complete role reversal. I’m happy with this, but only it both of us do what we’ve agreed.

Thurlow - Life isn’t always comfortable! I’ve chosen to ask people who don’t know us both because I don’t want to say these things to people who know him. I can’t keep it all inside, it’s not healthy. You’ve only echoed what I said myself in my OP, that what I am feeling is horrible.

MerryMarigold – Before we moved in together he lived with his mother and she did everything for him. He had no idea how to do the laundry until I showed him. I don’t want him to do things my way, I just want him to do things. If I said can you please clean the sink today, he won’t do it if he doesn’t know how to. He won’t ask me how to do it, or even google it. He will just say, I didn’t know how to do it.

And by the leave him for him to change issue. Whenever we have sat down to work through our issues nothing changes. It goes in one ear and out the other. The only time he paid attention was the day I just couldn’t cope anymore and I went for an hour long drive. When I got back he thought I had left him so he had started cleaning, he’d googled how to properly clean a kitchen floor and was working on it. I don’t think he is a failure. I’ve never ever ever put him down. I’ve lost my temper when I asked him at 9am to please clean and tidy the living room, then come home at 6.30pm to see no change. I don’t flip out every time I walk through the door!

OohMavis – I’m not sure how you’ve got that impression when I’ve clearly stated that I feel hypocritical having a go at him when I have my own faults. And when do I bark at him to go and clean the kitchen? Do you mean when he’s spent the last two weeks at home as the university term has finished and he has spent it playing FIFA and has cleaned the kitchen once? I haven’t at any point said I don’t do any housework myself….

Cant stand Bad Breath, so anything on top would make me want to heave. Why don't you separate and find someone who you do want to be with??

Oh god - he's sounding more and more cocklodger-ish the more you write.
What is he studying at Uni? What job will he get when the course finishes?
Why is he not gaining work experience now - even if it's voluntary?

sadmummyof1 You are not a bitch. He is the SAHP, he should be pulling his weight, cleaning the house, and having dinner ready for you when you get home. End of. As I said before, I work from home, DH works long hours....when he gets home everything is done. Everything! I cannot imagine sitting in front of the telly for 5 hours, and then expecting DH to cook dinner when he gets in from a hard days graft. How selfish! Playing video games for 5 hours a day is utterly ridiculous, he sounds like a Manchild.

I think he is reflecting back on you all your negative thoughts about yourself and your weight. You clearly are struggling to tackle it and as he's not taking control of sorting it either you see him as equally weak. But at least you have a good job, you earn the money, you have that on him. I guarantee if he lost weight , regained his confidence, got out of the house you would remember why you were attracted to him because his status would have surpassed yours. Basic human biology.

Be honest with him. Tell him everything you told us. I'm sure he'd rather that than you just tell him it's over. Do you want to give him the opportunity to improve?

MerryMarigold – Of course there are positive things in him!! And I DO love him for those things. I do respect him for being DS’s father when he didn’t need to be.
The main reason for not sharing money is because he spends it all. I gave him about £900 in September last year to cover his expenses for his first three months of uni. So that’s £300 a month for going out and train travel etc. He’d blown through most of it within a month and a half. I can’t afford to then give him more! I didn’t decide how much he could have, we discussed it and agreed on it.
He also only asked for a cleaning schedule as an excuse to not do it until I gave him one…..
I’ve suggested a volunteer job – he doesn’t want to do it. He says he can’t be bothered. I’ve suggested he might be depressed, he doesn’t want to go to the doctors. I’ve suggested he spends time with his best friend, he says he can’t be bothered.
He doesn’t have many assignments to do at university however I wouldn’t know as he spends that time playing on the computer. And then does it last minute

OohMavis – He saves us £30 a week – which I give him so him and DS can go and do stuff together after school if they want.

Let's actually reverse it shall we?

"I’m not attracted to her at all (bearing in mind I know I am very overweight, but just because I am doesn’t mean she has an excuse)."

You’ve twisted that, I’m saying that if one person gets overweight surely it’s not an excuse for the other person to put on weight too. For example I said I had lost a stone, and did he want to lose any weight – he said I’ll lose weight when you’ve lost enough. Makes me feel like it’s my fault he is overweight

"She huffed yesterday when I said she needed to clean the kitchen and sweep the floors and by the end of the week she needed to clean the house. Now, I will ask her nicely but the more she huffs and puffs, the more I resent her."

I asked him to clean the kitchen whilst I was at work for 10 hours. I asked if by the end of the week could the whole house be cleaned and did he want me to help (as we agreed he was in charge of the house). He hasn’t done it, so I asked again nicely. He huffed so now I’m feeling resentful

"She jokes that I seem to have a bigger “allowance” than her. Yes I do. It’s my hard earned money AND most of what I buy is for our benefit."

Ok, so he gets £100 and I get £200. My £200 goes on things for the house, ie wallpaper to decorate DSs new room. His £100 can go on whatever he wants

"I’m getting more and more demanding and probably quite horrible to her. However there is a reason for this…"
I’ll rephrase – “I feel like I am getting more demanding, I don’t want to get more demanding but I feel like I can’t get through to him that we both need to pull our weight. I feel like I’m being horrible about it but I don’t actually know if I am. “

BarbarianMum – Please explain what you mean by financially abusive?

I do NOT constantly criticise him!!!! I haven’t asked him to change. I HAVE asked him to help me more with the cleaning and I have said WE can work out what needs doing. I’m not doing it for him. I point blank am not his mother and refuse to spend any longer have him tell me he hasn’t done something because he doesn’t know how to. He doesn’t ask to be shown how to do it, he just DELIBERATELY doesn’t do it and plays on the computer. I try to actively get him involved with everything in the house. When we go on holiday I ask if he would like to pick somewhere. Do you think he does? . He sits there on his phone reading about football. He waits for me to do it all. I do everything because he can’t be arsed. He moans that he doesn’t like our car, but would he go and find out how much we could get for it and how much a new one would cost?!? No. He’s happy to whine until I do something about it.

MyKingdomForBrie – Primary carer – erm…. No he isn’t he looks after him for two hours in an afternoon. We look after DS equally

Slowdecrease – I don’t know if I see him as weaker or us as equal. I would hope that we are equal as we have different strengths. He doesn’t work but he’s doing really really well at university and I’m proud of that. I don’t see myself as being better because I have a job.

ClarenceTheLion - Yes and I would also hope that if he felt I needed to change that he would tell me otherwise it will be a onesided conversation :(

He won't do anything to help himself here.
You cannot fix him. Only HE can sort HIMSELF out.
I really think you would be far better off without him.

I know my OP made it sound like I'm always demanding that he does this and that like a master/servant but it really isn't . We agreed our roles when he left his job for uni, we agreed what he would do and what I would do.

I said I would still manage the finances, I would still do all of our paperwork etc. His role was to decide how much after school care DS needed, how to split the housework, etc. I'm so mentally exhausted after work that I just want him to say "I've done 70% of the housework today - this is the remaining 30% for you to do"

I do not think its fair that at the moment I am working, then I am cooking, and then I am doing 70% of the housework when I get home and then I am going straight to sleep because I can't stay awake. Whereas he has played computer games all day till 3pm then once DS is in bed he goes back on the computer till 2am. I'f I'm lucky he will have done the laundry.

I don't start off by bossing him around I just want him to take an active role. At the moment he would rather I made all the decisions. So all of the above really frustrates me and then over the past two years I've just become less and less attracted to him. The beard thing only happened 6 months ago. If he is depressed then I will support him in seeking treatment. If the reason he looks like sh*t is because he is depressed then I will be there for him. If its because he is just getting lazier and lazier then I don't know if I want to support him or if I want to be on my own. I can't adult for the both of us anymore

I see parenting as a partnership. And I think when one parent has taken on a SAH role and disadvantaged themselves and their own career/earning potential by doing so, then the family wage earner appropriating a greater share of the family income for themselves because they earn it is financially abusive. I think it's joint money and there should be joint access and joint agreement on how it's spent.

The more you post about him the more I can see why you want out (I would). But I was responding to your first posts.

Ok yes, I should have clarified more. I was writing whilst in a bit of an emotional mess so reading back I sounded far more aggressive than I meant to be! We don't have joint access to money in the sense that it is all in my bank account. If he wants something he uses his "allowance" and similarly I use my "allowance". I have a bigger allowance because I use it to buy us things as a family. For example I pay for netflix and amazon prime out of my money. DS and OH benefit from that as OH watches the various Marvel series etc and DS watches movies

I'll give him money for haircuts if he asks. If I just gave it to him he would spend it then moan that he didn't have any left. So I'm controlling in that aspect only because his past behaviour has made me think its the best way. I could let him just do what he wants and face the consequences

Your post makes for uncomfortable reading regardless of the sex of the writer. Your contempt shows and the resentment is simmering.

Maybe it's time you took a break from this relationship so you can think clearly

QuiteLikely5 - I am not contemptuous of my husband, if he was beneath consideration I wouldn't have bothered writing this post, I'd have just thrown him out with no feelings at all.

For his sake and for yours you should go your seperate ways.

Personally I think you sound horrible to the man and if it was reversed you would be shouted and yelled at - I think people are actually being rather nice to you. The comments you make about money horrifies me, how gracious of you to give him money if he asks for a haircut! Being a SAHP is exhausting lonely and boring at times - he possibly looks forward to seeing you and then you just moan at him.

You don't love this man he repulses you and he could loose 2/3 stone and you still wouldn't want him! I know from experience that if a person is constantly putting you down and making you feel inadequate your not going to make an effort or lose weight because why bother when your partner is just being an arse to you. I feel sorry for him.

Do him a favour and leave him so he can find someone to make him happy.

Penguinepenguins - Yes he has to ask for the bloody money! He spent £900 in 6 weeks and I had to give him another £400 to pay for the rest of his travel. £400 we didn't have!!!!!!!!!

And where have I said I constantly put him down? I do not....I have said I feel a certain way inside, I haven't said how I feel to him as I don't want to upset him BECAUSE I can relate to it.

I'm not surprised you feel the way you do. I had an ex who was glued to the laptop and that alone was enough to end the relationship. Then you mention the hygiene - not cleaning his teeth would be enough to turn my stomach and end the relationship. He sounds extremely lazy ie can't be bothered to clean the house, volunteer, get a part time job. There is no way I would be giving a man money for sitting on his arse for most of the day. I would prefer to pay for childcare than give him that excuse.

The only thing I don't think you are being fair about is being critical about his weight when you are overweight yourself.

However the bottom line is you don't want to be with him so you need to do something about it.

Like pps have said, yes it is uncomfortable to read how you feel about him but I think you have been really honest with yourself about your feelings and there is no going back now.

There's no point in being in a relationship with somebody you don't see as your equal. What message does that send out to your child?