Do I really not love my husband or am I being dramatic?

[sadmummyof1]

Right this second I don’t want to be with my husband, I want him to leave and I want to be on my own with our son. But this feeling is quite cyclic, so every 2 or 3 months I go through a week of feeling like this but then it dies down.

We got together whilst I was pregnant, and didn’t really get a traditional start to a relationship as it was quite intense, my son was born and OH decided to be his daddy. We didn’t live together straight away, we moved in together in OH’s home town around 18 months after my son’s birth so after 2 years of being together. We got a married a year later (so 3 years together at this point) and so as of February this year we’ve been together for 5 years. 2nd wedding anniversary later on this year. Oh and husband adopted my son.
I’ve always been bossy and wanting things done my way however over the past year it has escalated. I work full time (quite a high pressure job) whereas OH is at university for about 8 hours a week over a couple of days and then does not work (in order to save on after school childcare). I’m getting more and more demanding and probably quite horrible to my OH. However there is a reason for this….
I resent the fact that I work all day (I do love my job) and when I ask my husband to cook dinner he huffs. He hates having to do it. He huffed yesterday when I said he needed to clean the kitchen and sweep the floors and by the end of the week he needed to clean the house. Now, I will ask him nicely but the more he huffs and puffs, the more I resent him. He says he is joking but he always makes “jokey digs”. He jokes that I seem to have a bigger “allowance” than him. Yes I do. It’s my hard earned money AND most of what I buy is for our benefit. He wants me to do a cleaning schedule because he doesn’t know what to do. How about he takes an active part and looks on the internet instead of playing FIFA all day? I am trying to lose weight because of health issues, he wants to lose weight because he is fat (nowhere near as fat as me). He said if I told him what to eat then he’d eat it. Oh so I need to plan my dietary requirements and his as well?
I’m not attracted to him at all (bearing in mind I know I am very overweight, but just because I am doesn’t mean he has an excuse). I give him cash for a haircut and beard trim (I hate his beard it’s revolting to kiss him and then realise his beard was wet. He licks his moustache rather than wipe it) so he pays £20 for this and then within a week his beard looks a mess again because he is too lazy to keep on top of it. Plus, he leaves beard hairs all over the bathroom
We go to the supermarket, I ask him to pick up something up from a lower shelf, he bends over and his arse crack is there for everyone to see. I mean like 3 inches of it. It is so embarrassing when there are people in the same aisle and I see them shudder. He refuses to get jeans in a bigger size so his smaller jeans cut in under his belly and then he might lift his arms and his stomach pops out. It’s revolting! He also doesn’t brush his teeth and oh my gosh I actually can’t have him face me when he talks to me in the car because it stinks.
Now, I actually feel really awful that I feel this way. If someone talked/felt like this about me I would be humiliated and upset. But I have tried to talk about this nicely with him and I genuinely don’t think he cares. In fact I don’t know how he feels as he never opens up. So overtime this has built up into utter resentment. Instead of going home happy to see him, the first thing I do is walk through the door, see it’s a mess and straight away I flip out. Then I look at him sat on the sofa on his phone and I’m repelled physically and emotionally.
But do I have the right to feel this way when I am overweight and spend my days basically wearing crocs, leggings and a baggy top!!! All the above is making me loathe the sight of him but it’s hypocritical isn’t it? I am losing weight slowly but I’ve had 4 years where I’ve not done anything about it. It’s not until I was diagnosed with an illness that I actually picked my own fat arse up off the sofa and did something about it. He is such a good father, our son probably loves him more than I. And he does care about me, he does want to make me happy, he just doesn’t.
Am I a bitch?

[sadmummyof1]

I've not said we aren't equals!

[MyKingdomForBrie]

I didn't mean anything by my point about 'primary carer' except that in custody scenarios the parent who isn't at work and is at home/doing school runs etc can be considered to be the PC and therefore in a better position for custody - no criticism implied, I'm sure you do as much if not more for DC.

[BarbarianMum]

Well you are certainly not contributing equally to the relationship. OP I tried very hard earlier in the thread to see things from both points of view but honestly, you'd be mad to allow things to continue in this vein. He's seriously taking the piss. Could be laziness, could be depression, maybe both. Either way he needs it making clear that he has to sort himself out - if you even want to try and sort things out.

[Joysmum]

I've not said we aren't equals

You don't need to say it your attitude and what you've typed show that you don't value him as an equal.

You do more than him
You earn more than him
You're better with money than him
You don't seem to like do much about him.

If you think of him as an equal, could you explain how as its not gone thorough yet on your posts?

[ScarlettOHaraHamilton]

I know you're not getting the answers that you want. But that's because to the outsider, everything you write drips with your contempt for your husband and that you definitely don't see him as equal.

He definitely sounds far, far less than blameless. He's not pulling his weight around the house in any way, by the sounds of it. And you seem to despise him. I can't see how there's anything worth salvaging here. For you to like him again, he needs a personality transplant, and a whole new body. That's basically changing him into something he is not. I don't blame you for not wanting to be with someone who is effectively cocklodging, but it hardly reads as if you're going to like him much more even if he started doing all the housework.

[sadmummyof1]

Joysmum -

*I've not said we aren't equals

You don't need to say it your attitude and what you've typed show that you don't value him as an equal. *

You do more than him – I do, I don’t hate him for it. It frustrates me
You earn more than him – Well yeah, I have a job and he is at university studying so that he can get a better job than his last one. He is trying to better himself. Why would I see him as lesser than me when I suggested he stop work once he had gone to university so he could focus on his work?

You're better with money than him – Yes I am better than him with money, doesn’t make him a lesser being than me. It just means I can’t give him too much at once.
You don't seem to like do much about him. – Well I wasn’t here to talk about all the good things he does, I was asking whether the bad things WERE bad or whether I was being dramatic about it all. I can list all of his good qualities of course I can.

If you think of him as an equal, could you explain how as its not gone thorough yet on your posts?
Well then you’ve selectively read my posts. Especially as I’ve said I am proud of his work at university, and that he is an excellent father. I also explained that we have our own strengths.

I am talking about what he does or doesn’t do and how I feel about him. Just because at the moment I am not physically attracted to him, doesn’t make him less equal. It just makes him not attractive to me. You can deduce all you want but I’ve never judged either of us on who earns the most. As it happens he was on minimum wage when we met and when we moved in together. Money was split completely equally. But when he lived at his mums he could spend £1000 each month on crap and have no consequences. When he did that after we moved in and then I had to pay the bills out of my wages….well what would your reaction have been? I am better AT managing money but I am not a better person because of it.

My posts are borne out of frustration not hatred.

[Joysmum]

^

What scarlett said.

[Joysmum]

X posted!

So, you're answering some difficult questions.

Do you think you're any closer to answering the question posed in your thread title?

[curren]

Quite honestly if your dh was posting here as a woman.

He would be told that his partner was abusive and no wonder he didn't feel like doing anything. That their partner was knocking me their self esteem and causing them to be depressed.

I find the 'of course I get more money because I earned it' attitude disgusting. That's not how a family works. When I was sahp , if dh had said that I would tell him to fuck off.

[BarbarianMum]

[sadmummyof1]

Joysmum – I think I’ve spent quite a few months letting this build up and reach tipping point. And then as per my OP it’s just all rushed out in a big mess of blergh.
I’ve never told him I’m not physically attracted to him and I still won’t because who am I as his fat wife to criticise him for it. It would make far more sense for me to continue losing weight and then when I get to say his weight, for us to then make sure we continue to be active. And perhaps try to look good for each other. I do expect him to want to look good for me eventually. Just like I do want to look good for him. Although I would assume he would be upset if I was nasty to him, I have no idea as he doesn’t communicate things like that to me. He’s pretty unreadable in that respect.
I think we need to sit down as a couple and haul over the household stuff. He needs to understand that he needs to be responsible for things as that is being part of an adult, I think I need to learn to cool my temper. The only thing that I can see we will have difficulty with is him being proactive, he really is not proactive. I don’t want to tell him to do stuff, I want him to do it/ask if it needs doing etc. Finances will probably stay the same because he is clueless. But I guess he could be in charge of groceries for example. I mean at the moment I decide generally what we will eat and we go shopping as a family. If he decided what we were to eat all week and he wrote the shopping list I think he would be good at it and it could possibly be a good place to start. I don’t know if he lacks confidence which is why he doesn’t do stuff he doesn’t know. He won’t tell me if I ask him though, he will just shrug.
I know a few people have said I won’t like him any more than I do now even if he starts doing my housework but you don’t know that! If my resentfulness is borne from frustration at having to do it all myself then why not. If he starts being proactive then maybe I will be happier and then we will be happier.
Of course it could go completely the opposite way, he might not want to be more involved and then we might go our separate ways.

[sadmummyof1]

Curren/BarbarianMum - I know it sounded off the first time I wrote it. But really he does just burn it. It's got to the point where I have to give him money to buy me a birthday present. But as my last post says, maybe if I make him responsible for our groceries shopping then he might learn the value of money. I don't know if its a good idea or bad idea though, I could end up shooting myself in the foot

[MatildaTheCat]

What was your relationship like before he gave up work and started uni? It sounds like that was a tipping point for your frustration. Maybe as a couple you aren't suited to one person supporting the other. Actually £900 spent in six weeks his hardly profligate but sure,mif you can't afford it it's frustrating. So it sounds as if, unless he sticks to your budget and your expectations you are going to be angry. I'm guessing the physical revulsion is a symptom of your resentment rather than a cause.

Also, presumably your ds is on school holidays so cleaning etc will take a back seat. Regarding cleaning,mshe don't you write him the schedule and see if he does it? Can't take long to do. Sit together and plan some healthy meals.

If this is a short term course and he's returning to work soon then try to find ways to make it work until then if things were previously good. You need to talk properly and both listen and compromise. You haven't come over too well on here but rather than leaving ( you mention chucking him out, is that even legal? I doubt it) surely you both need to work on it.

[8angle]

Couples that work are a team but there is no right answers to the minutiae of life. Some couples earn the same and split childcare and household chores 50/50, others have a totally different deal - 1 being a SAHP the other working.
Some have totally joint finances, some totally separate and some get "allowances".

Everyone on this forum can analyse, discuss and criticise the details of your relationship, but the emotions of the relationship only the two of you can understand.

I know you are worried about the consequences of breaking up but as he refuses to listen to or discuss the issues you have, and i am sure he has some too, maybe you need to give a real ultimatum.
You sit down together or in counselling and go through all your issues. If he is not prepared to put this into your relationship, then whether YOU are right or wrong, mean or fair, this is not going to work.

[IdealWeather]

If you are asking if things that you are describing Bad then I would say some of them are yes.

But you need to remember they are bad TO ME. It doesnt mean someone else would accept it.

I wouldn't be happy with the no HW and the no learning how to do it.
I wouldn't like the beard stuff.
What I would be VERY annoyed is the fact when he thinks you are heaving then suddenly he finds the will to do the cleaning, google how to do it etc....

What I think about it though doesn't matter. YOU need to know what is a deal breaker for you. The fact that you are getting more s d more frustrated tells me you are reaching that limit. What would be helpful if you wasn't to solve that relationship is to know the ONE thing that would tip everything over.
Concentrate on that, make it clear that either he changes or everything is over. See how it goes.

[sadmummyof1]

MatildaTheCat - I’ve always been the trouser wearing partner but I was at uni and he was in work. We didn’t live together for two years and saw each other a couple of times a week. I was miserable without him, I just wanted him there all the time. However I only had myself and DS to clean up after. We then moved in together and it was okay for about a year apart from a few minor transgressions on his part (he asked an ex for boob photos, I forgave him and it doesn’t bother me now). Past two years we’ve had a lot more arguments over the state of the house mainly. We don’t really argue about other stuff until we start arguing about the state of the house and even then it’s generally me doing the arguing. We’ve argued more since he gave up work. Mainly because we used to split all the household tasks and now I think he is doing less. Or perhaps it wasn’t as noticeable that I did more. Not sure

£900 on train fare and junk food (he didn’t even go out to pubs) – there wasn’t anything to show for it! DS is at his grandmothers for the week, he will be home next week. But right now, DH is at home alone. I guess I could write the schedule, I just really really wanted him to put himself out there and find one himself. Especially as he has the time at the moment.
It isn’t a short term course, he’s got 3 years left. The chucking him out comment was more flippant than anything.

[sadmummyof1]

IdealWeather - Honestly? I don't think there is a deal breaker. I think I would keep getting more and more and more stressed about it until I made myself ill. Because really, whilst its all frustrating and really annoying - it's not like he does anything horrific such as domestic abuse. He just relies on me and is lazy. Those are things that build up gradually as opposed to a sudden event

[curren]

I agree curren but if you read the OP's later posts you'll see that her dh just burns through money like there is no tomorrow so she has to, in effect, control his expenditure by refusing him access to the whole lot.

I could understand restricting access in these circumstances. But the 'I get more because I earned' is the bit that would piss me off. Wether he pisses through money or not, that's no excuse for her assumption that she gets more because she works.

That's 2 different issues.

[Chocolatteaddict1]

op you are being hypocrital. Your contempt for his weight is evident in your first post yet you say you are far more heavier than him.

TBH I don't blame him for acting like a child as your treating him like one. He has no access to money, doesn't get to choose what he eats. You give him pocket money. He is completly emasculated. No wonder you have no respect as I wouldn't either. Was he like this when you first met? When you decided to get married or when you decided to make this man legally connected to your ds for the rest of his life? Will you be going for child support when/if you leave?

Do you claim tax credits? As if he gets part time work it could effect what your entitled to forcing your Dh to leave uni any way.


You sound as if you both need to start eating healthy? Why can't you do it as a family as you control even the shopping? Why are you going to do it by yourself? Maybe he is indecisive about what to eat as he knows it's probally going to be wrong in your eyes anyway.

op you really remind me of my mother - she was never happy with her lot. Instead of fixing herself she focused on her husbands or her kids weaknesses and blamed that instead.

[Penguinepenguins]

It doesn't matter really what anyone says as you just keep getting more and more defensive OP, I can understand why I think... I think it's out of frustration and/or you wanted people to agree with you? not everyone can support their partner (I've been both the supporter and currently the supported) I supported a very lazy ex for many years and it did frustrate me as he didn't appreciate me and when I lost my job he up and left! Wish I had kicked him out years before - My DP now I would support in a heartbeat as I know it would be appreciated, he would be terrible at housework but I know he would try and that to me is the importing thing being appreciated and trying to help.

What come accross to me though is that your not in love with this man or at best you don't like him very much. You sound very un-happy with him studying - I'm guessing he does this during the day too so maybe is time is tighter than you think? It must have been a joint decision and once completed and he succeeds how will you feel once he earns more than you or how would you feel if you were to take a break away from work and you had to ask for everything?

It comes accross so much that you have such a massive amount of resentment and don't appreciate what he does do, you think he doesn't appreciate what you do? But you certainly don't see him as your equal very much less than you and you are controlling everything that's not easy for anyone to cope and actually I think it's much harder for a man... It's like he is having to ask mummy for everything, that's got to be horrible for both of you actually.

I am not sure if you want help to fix your relationship or to make a decision? I do feel for you but if you don't want him leave and let him be happy with someone else

Currently you should bloody miserable and that's not good for anyone

[Obs2016]

Very uncomfortable reading.
Nothing my husband has even gone has made me think he was as abhorrent as you write.

[sadmummyof1]

Curren – my initial 'I get more because I earned' is related to the fact that he goes and wastes the money I give him. Right this second I feel like I deserve to have more because whenever we’ve split it equally he has spent it all in a matter of weeks. I then had to find another £400 to give him. I didn’t give myself another £400 so he ended up with more money than I because he can’t control himself. So yes, right this second I feel like I’ve earned my money and I’ll goddam spend it if I want to and he can live with the consequence of wasting his money on sausage sandwiches.
I think that’s fair enough! Doesn’t mean it’s going to last for ever. And as I’ve said, the extra money I’ve been spending has been to paper DS wall, I also replaced the home PC as it was dead. So really, it doesn’t exactly benefit me.

[ScarlettOHaraHamilton]

TBH I don't blame him for acting like a child as your treating him like one. He has no access to money, doesn't get to choose what he eats. You give him pocket money. He is completly emasculated. No wonder you have no respect as I wouldn't either.

This, with bells on.

[sadmummyof1]

op you are being hypocrital. Your contempt for his weight is evident in your first post yet you say you are far more heavier than him.
I’m not being hypocritical. To be hypocritical would be for me to be fat and not want to lose any weight AND tell him he has to lose weight. That’s not what is happening.

TBH I don't blame him for acting like a child as your treating him like one. He has no access to money, doesn't get to choose what he eats.
He doesn’t want to choose what he eats. I know this really sounds like I am making it up but he doesn’t want to choose. I asked him to decide what we would have for dinner a few weeks ago. As in, “Please can you have a look to see what we could have for dinner tonight as I won’t be able to get a lunch break at work today, we can go shopping after work if you want”. By the time I had got home he hadn’t made a decision. He said “Oh you know more about food than me” He didn’t even bother to text me to say he didn’t know what to do. So we didn’t eat at all that night.

You give him pocket money. He is completly emasculated. No wonder you have no respect as I wouldn't either. Was he like this when you first met? When you decided to get married or when you decided to make this man legally connected to your ds for the rest of his life? Will you be going for child support when/if you leave?
How doesn’t he have access to money? We both get an allowance, he has a new iMac that I bought him, he has a 6 month old Xbox One because he asked for them. Yes he has always been like this, I just didn’t realise the extent to which it was with money. No I would not ask for child support.
We’re not entitled to tax credits at the moment, I think we will be entitled to about £5 a week from April.

You sound as if you both need to start eating healthy? Why can't you do it as a family as you control even the shopping? Why are you going to do it by yourself? Maybe he is indecisive about what to eat as he knows it's probally going to be wrong in your eyes anyway
I’ve never criticised him for his food choices. I don’t “control” the shopping – I’m the only one willing to do it.

[Chocolatteaddict1]

Yep that's right op you teach him a lesson.

What you could of done is both of you have a nightly budget/account meeting every night so you both can see what's being spent on a daily basis and what money needs saving. Giving him the chance to get used to budgeting.