Dilemma - SIL 's funeral

[Colourfulpast1975]

Hi there,

I hope you can help me. My sil (husband's sister) has passed away a bit less than 2 weeks. It's really sad as you can imagine, she had been sick for a long time so we were ready (as much as you can be ready). Dh has spent lots of time at his parents where they were caring for her sister. They were not really closed as she led a complete different (but very happy life). I have been 16 years with Dh and I probably saw her 10 times since I had known Dh. It took her 2 years to accept our invitation to meet our new ds even if she lived 1 hour 30 away from us. Anyway it was always nice to see her and we never resented her for the lack of effort in seeing us ! She had a busy life.

Now : I never particularly got on with my mil as she still insists on treating Dh like a little boy (he let her). Obviously, I'm supporting as much as I can my Dh. Trying to make his every day's life a bit easier, asking how he is ? Does he need space ?? Etc...the funeral is next week. This is my problem : I do not want to sleep where his sister died, I'm feeling really bad about it but I can't help feeling like that. Would I be horrible to suggest we go to an hotel? The funeral itself : Dh told me that he wanted me and the ds at the back and not seating with his family as he was only going to focus on his mum in case of she was going to collapse. And I say what about you ? He said I'll have my mum and dad. He doesn't want my comfort. He wants me there me and the ds but he just want me there to look after the ds...does it make sense ? I'm sorry if I don't make any sense, I have never been in this situation.

He doesn't want me to comfort him isn't he ?

[Colourfulpast1975]

Pmt is killing me actually and I hate myself for it...a week ago I was more reasonable. Today and yesterday not so much. I'm just so tired and I know it's not an excuse for being a twat.

[Badders123]

Well I think twat is a bit harsh

[Badders123]

Joking aside, I know for a few days a month my thought processes just aren't normal - well aren't normal for me!
It's a very emotional and difficult time for all of you
Time you cut you and your dh some slack
It's ok to feel as you do
Not necessarily OK to act on It?

[Hissy]

You are not a twat, no matter how often people have ridiculously and rudely told you to suck it up, ffs, although it's no surprise that such comments would make you feel like that.

I dare say your h is not thinking/worrying about you/the dc, which is understandable. there's however not concerning yourself and telling you to go sit as far back as poss. But as you've said, sit where feels right, if at the back or side or wherever, fine. It's not a big deal in the scale of things, only you know what he's like day to day.

No you don't have to sleep in her room, many many wouldn't, and in fact it will make things easier for dh to focus on his mum etc without you there, especially if you're not comfortable being there.

It's ok to say you'd not feel comfortable sleeping in her room before the service, and you aren't slighting anyone, there is no need for pressure from anyone. Don't feel pressured to do this.

[Colourfulpast1975]

I love him so once the hormonal anger is gone...I should be my better self.

[Colourfulpast1975]

Me and the ds are going to travel on the day ! So that is sorted...it's better this way than sleeping in a hotel.

[Badders123]

Yes I think so
Hope it all goes as well as it can

[dylsmimi]

Be kind to yourself and make sure you rest too. It's hard keeping everything together and giving your dh the time to grieve and organise the funeral. I imagine he will thank you very much for it when the shock and focus on the funeral has lessened
When my fil died I came back home the same day as ds2 was very ill, worried about that, organised the kids, went to work, sorted christmas and a birthday and basically held it all together. I was exhausted but didn't feel I could say.
A month or so after I got a card and flowers and appreciation that I had let him have the headspace to do what needed to be done and grieve
Take care op