Dilemma - SIL 's funeral

[Colourfulpast1975]

Hi there,

I hope you can help me. My sil (husband's sister) has passed away a bit less than 2 weeks. It's really sad as you can imagine, she had been sick for a long time so we were ready (as much as you can be ready). Dh has spent lots of time at his parents where they were caring for her sister. They were not really closed as she led a complete different (but very happy life). I have been 16 years with Dh and I probably saw her 10 times since I had known Dh. It took her 2 years to accept our invitation to meet our new ds even if she lived 1 hour 30 away from us. Anyway it was always nice to see her and we never resented her for the lack of effort in seeing us ! She had a busy life.

Now : I never particularly got on with my mil as she still insists on treating Dh like a little boy (he let her). Obviously, I'm supporting as much as I can my Dh. Trying to make his every day's life a bit easier, asking how he is ? Does he need space ?? Etc...the funeral is next week. This is my problem : I do not want to sleep where his sister died, I'm feeling really bad about it but I can't help feeling like that. Would I be horrible to suggest we go to an hotel? The funeral itself : Dh told me that he wanted me and the ds at the back and not seating with his family as he was only going to focus on his mum in case of she was going to collapse. And I say what about you ? He said I'll have my mum and dad. He doesn't want my comfort. He wants me there me and the ds but he just want me there to look after the ds...does it make sense ? I'm sorry if I don't make any sense, I have never been in this situation.

He doesn't want me to comfort him isn't he ?

[Olddear]

Now, that sounds like a good idea. It doesn't really sound as if he needs you there (I don't mean that unkindly)

[redexpat]

Book a hotel. If quizzed say you didn't want to be any bother and think that the immediate family should be left undisturbed afterwards.

For the funeral, do as he asks. You'll have plenty of time to support him afterwards.

DC. Badgers parting gift is a good book. Recommended all over MN.

[goddessofsmallthings]

To my mind it would be disrespectful for you not to attend the funeral of your SIL UNLESS your dh would prefer for you to stay home with the dc, in which event I would suggest you pen a heartfelt letter of condolence to your ILs and ensure that a wreath or other floral tribute from your dc to their aunt is sent to the funeral directors/the family home if this isn't already in hand.

[blindsider]

yes I am amazed at the number of grown up women saying that they wouldn't sleep in the room the sister died in, what are they supposed to do brick in the doorway having created a shrine.

People grieve in different ways let him do what makes him feel comfortable with on the day. My DW asked if she should sit at the back at DM's funeral I said she was part of the family and her place was beside me.

[Silverfoxofwarwick1953]

Your opening post indicated to me that there may be a lot of historic emotions in his relationship with his parents and his sisters also. His desire for you to sit at the back of the church may be to protect you from that. I may be wrong of course. Not that her funeral is the time for you to understand that, if at all. In any event, you can sit where you like at a funeral, indeed anywhere in a church. Its where you want to be that matters.

[WeAllHaveWings]

Wanting to be there for your dh and his family during their devastating grief at losing a loved one at a young age and supporting your dh at his sisters funeral should override your squeamishness at staying at your MIL's.

Cant believe you would even consider not going.

[dylsmimi]

I think you may need to be at the funeral even if it is at the back. Your dp may say he doesn't need you to comfort him but that is now not at the funeral and your presence will reassure him
When dp lost my fil he was focussed on the funeral and it was after the event that it hit him quite hard.
. The dc I am not so sure 7 sounds very Young especially if it is not someone they are particularly close to. My ds who is 5 did not go to his grandfathers funeral and it was easier all round.
A hotel sounds fine and reasonable I wouldn't like it either and I think saying you are allowing the family time to themselves is fine - but of the dc are not going you may be better going over on the day

[goddessofsmallthings]

Your 7yo dc will not be adversely affected by a funeral service if they are sitting at the back and given a colouring or other book to amuse themselves and you'll be able to quietly take them outside if s/he shows signs of restlessness or of wanting to join their df in the front pew.

However, if your SIL is to be buried, I would not advise taking a child of that age to witness the interment unless they have been present when a deceased pet has been buried in the back garden or other location and have a clear memory of the event as this makes explanation of the proceedings easier for them to comprehend.

If you haven't attended a funeral before, you may not be aware that all of the mourners should be in place before the coffin is carried into the church/other building. It's also customary for the deceased's friends and distant relatives to allow close family members to occupy the seats at the front/nearest to where the coffin will rest during the service before choosing where they will sit.

[Colourfulpast1975]

We are going to a cremation

[Colourfulpast1975]

Not only I haven't been to a cremation before but I'm not even British (Slovakian)...so completely unaware of British traditions

[Nobodyspecialanymore]

I'd book a hotel too. Surely your dh would understand why!

[OddBoots]

If you go book a hotel for you and the children. In light of what your dh has said about the funeral I would explain to him that you want him to be free to be there for his parents and you don't want his mother holding in her grief because there are children about.

[IsItMeOr]

blindsider I think it's the proximity of the event that is the issue. For DMIL, we helped her to make sure that all signs of DSIL's illness were removed from the room (DMIL's own bedroom) before she (DMIL) slept in there again. And she quickly arranged for the room to be redecorated, changed the carpet and the curtains.

DSIL died in a hospice rather than the room. But the last two months of her illness, when she stayed with DMIL, was very traumatic for the whole family, so any reminders of that time were difficult to deal with in the immediate aftermath.

As our experience was that it took months to get the loaned equipment taken away again, it's quite likely to still be in the room they would be sleeping in.

[HeadTilt]

Go to the funeral and sit where your DH asks. It is fair enough for him to want to focus on his parents.

I don't really get the problem with the room, but probably best all round if you and the kids stay in a hotel. You'd be more comfortable and your PIL probably would be too. Plus you wouldn't need to worry about keeping kids subdued for an extended period.

[Hissy]

Good god, this is a most odd situation! It's not even normal for British, so don't think this is a cultural thing, it's not.

Your h banning you to the back is bizarre!

I am not at all squeamish, and even less religious. There is. I way on earth I'd want to sleep in the room where she died!

Book a hotel for you and ds and be done with it. Your h can't pick you up and drop you when he feels like it AND tell you where you are sleeping and without him.

You're in a no-win situation here, he's making it almost impossible for you to attend in a dignified and appropriate manner, and if you don't go, you'll be criticised for that too.

Go. Because you must. Sit where you feel comfortable, and stay in a hotel so he can support his mother and revert to a little boy without the inconvenience of having a family to consider.

I'm not impressed at all by this man.

[JimmyChoosChimichanga]

I sort of agree with Hissy a bit. For the record OP, it is not a British tradition to put you at the back. You are family and thus have the right to grieve with the rest of the family. I am not entirely comfortable with this weird, go to the back thing from your DH but in your shoes I would just do as he says for this one day. Any other occasions of his bossing you around and being weird and you thinking this is just quaint British customs ?

[BarbarianMum]

Hissy I think you are being unnecessarily harsh.

If my sister died I can quite understand not wanting to sit with my children. They are a similar age to the OP's dc and they would likely find it very upsetting to see me and/or their grandparents break down - and surely we'd have a right to grieve without having to worry about the effect on the little ones.

The OP will be the one supporting her dh through the following days, weeks and months (and quite possibly) of mourning his sisters death. It isn't just going to go away after the funeral. But totally normal for the day of the funeral for him to remember his sister with his parents, esp as the Op didn't really know her.

[BarbarianMum]

Forgot to add - yes, booking into a hotel is a good idea.

[Colourfulpast1975]

I have done my best to support him and it's like with this happening I don't have anything left to give..I try to be supportive. I do everything for him so he has nothing to do. I'm holding a full time job as well as looking after the kids..he has been away a lot during the week end to be there for his family. I really did my best too but I'm feeling I'm crumbling right now. He has to write a eulogie for his sister and I offered to help him and I got I dint want you too in a not very nice tone. Whatever I do is shit, clearly.

[Hissy]

Its more the way he's calling the shots and telling her she'll sit at the back that I don't like.

If there was a sensible conversation the op would not be feeling so shunted.

It's ok for children to see parents have emotions. Its OK to grieve.

Other (most) nations manage WAY MORE emotionally charged ceremonies than a standard uk cremation.

[Hissy]

My gm died a couple of years ago, the children of the family, ranging from 6 to early teens were active participants in the service.
It was deeply moving, and our children all knew it was ok to be sad to lose someone

Ok so this Sil wasn't close to her db family, but still.

This is not a typical example of British way of doing things.

[BarbarianMum]

[HeddaGarbled]

It does sound like he is pushing you away. I think you should just step back a little and let him deal with his grief in the way he chooses for now. Stop asking him if he is OK etc. Just go to work, look after the children, make sure he's fed etc. If he wants to turn to you for comfort, he'll do it when he's ready.

I think that expecting you and your child/children to sleep in your late SIL's room is insensitive of both him and his parents. I think choosing to sleep in a separate room from you at his parents' house is unusual. I think expecting you to sit at the back during the funeral is unkind.

Something odd is going on but we're no wiser than you what it is. You can't tackle it now while they are grieving. So do what you feel comfortable with in terms of the funeral and then just watch and wait for a few months. Don't be bullied but don't cause any scenes.

[Silverfoxofwarwick1953]

You are not being treated well OP. It is like you are being shoved away from it all. I think you should transgress this treatment with what you think is right for you and DS. A hotel nearby is perfectly acceptable and travelling on the day is fine also. Either is better than going the day before. Being told to sit at the back is not acceptable either way. In your shoes I would drive to the church on the day and sit neither at the back nor the front, but somewhere in the middle. When mourners disperse drive home and you have paid adequate respects, drive home again.

Your DH's respect for you is something for another day of course, not for now.

[redexpat]

Grief is sometimes expressed as irritation. I think he wants you there but not somewhere where he can see you and doesn't have to feel responsible for the children, so I absolutely get where he is coming from.

And a cremation is just like a funeral really, but you dont trapse out to the grave afterwards. I found it very wearing having to explain death rituals to my lovely Danish H and PILs, so if I were you I would just ring the undertaker and ask them to talk you through it. It's just one less thing for the grieving person to think about.