Dilemma - SIL 's funeral

[Colourfulpast1975]

Hi there,

I hope you can help me. My sil (husband's sister) has passed away a bit less than 2 weeks. It's really sad as you can imagine, she had been sick for a long time so we were ready (as much as you can be ready). Dh has spent lots of time at his parents where they were caring for her sister. They were not really closed as she led a complete different (but very happy life). I have been 16 years with Dh and I probably saw her 10 times since I had known Dh. It took her 2 years to accept our invitation to meet our new ds even if she lived 1 hour 30 away from us. Anyway it was always nice to see her and we never resented her for the lack of effort in seeing us ! She had a busy life.

Now : I never particularly got on with my mil as she still insists on treating Dh like a little boy (he let her). Obviously, I'm supporting as much as I can my Dh. Trying to make his every day's life a bit easier, asking how he is ? Does he need space ?? Etc...the funeral is next week. This is my problem : I do not want to sleep where his sister died, I'm feeling really bad about it but I can't help feeling like that. Would I be horrible to suggest we go to an hotel? The funeral itself : Dh told me that he wanted me and the ds at the back and not seating with his family as he was only going to focus on his mum in case of she was going to collapse. And I say what about you ? He said I'll have my mum and dad. He doesn't want my comfort. He wants me there me and the ds but he just want me there to look after the ds...does it make sense ? I'm sorry if I don't make any sense, I have never been in this situation.

He doesn't want me to comfort him isn't he ?

[Nanny0gg]

I'm with Hissy.

I think it's entirely appropriate for the OP to sit behind her DH and his mum, but not be banished to the back. She's been part of the family for 16 years!! How old are the DC by the way?

It also sounds like her DH will be sleeping in his childhood bedroom. Also odd.

I'd either go for the hotel or let him go on his own.

[goddessofsmallthings]

There's nothing to fear from attending a service where the remains are to be cremated as mourners are not present when the coffin and its contents are consigned to the incinerator.

Also, please be assured that you won't be assailed by the odour of burning flesh or confronted with the sight of smoking chimneys as modern-day incerinators are fired by natural gas or propane which emit very little odour or smoke. As all cremations are completed on day the services are held, your SIL's remains will be reduced to ashes shortly after the final prayers/goodbyes have been said.

If the funeral service is taking place at one of the chapels in the grounds of the crematorium, which are usually situated in a large municipal cemetary, you'll find that the chapels are little more than rooms of varying sizes which bear scant resemblance to a church environment. They are equipped with sound systems through which the chosen hymns/music is played and it is not necessary for the service to be conducted by a vicar, although your PILs may have chosen an ordained minister or priest to officate.

The demand for cremation is such that, unless additional time has been booked, it's probable that the service will not last much longer than half an hour, after which the mourners will depart through the entrance they came in while the coffin will remain in situ and be removed to the crematorium when the last of the congregation has left the builiding.

The chapel will then be made ready for the next service and it's not uncommon to see a hearse preparing to unload its content as you emerge from the building - at those crematoriums that have more than a couple of chapels/place of worship there can be a veritable queue of hearses intent on the same purpose.

In some chapels the coffin is placed on a stationary raised conveyor belt which, at the press of a button, despatches it to the crematorium in a similar manner to the baggage carousels that can be found in airports, and you may find it disconcerting if the coffin begins to move to its final destination before you have opportunity to leave. The slow progress of the coffin towards a discreetly disguised large hole in the wall can signal the end of the service.

At one funeral I attended the coffin was placed on an elevated dais and a pair of velvet curtains were lowered in front of it as the service was concluded. I half expected the curtains to be raised so that the deceased could take a final bow.

A piece of ground is set aside for a display of the wreaths/flowers that accompany the coffin/funeral cortege to the crematorium. In common with those others who will be cremated on the same day, your SIL's name will be prominent in the space allotted to her and that those attending can view the floral tributes that have been sent to her, contribute any they may have bought with them, and take photos if they wish to do so.

After the service your PILs will no doubt want to collect any memorial cards and other missives attached to the tributes as they will be disposed of at the end of the workling day to make way for the dear departed who are to be cremated on the following day. I suggest you take a camera in case your PILs don't think to bring one but, unless you are specifically asked to take photos, I would advise you to make it available to your dh.

Unless specifically requested to wear black, mourners wear their clothing of choice. Many nearest and dearest of the departed ask that mourners dress in bright or favourite colours of the deceased. If you are not made aware of any specific dress code I would suggest you wear black or dark grey/navy blue as wearing sombre clothing continues to be viewed as a mark of respect, particularly by the older generation.

A Church of England funeral service has none of the ritual of Catholicism or the rites of the Eastern Orthodox Church and you may find it singularly unmoving, but a well-written and read eulogy may provoke an unexpected torrent of grief for the SIL you barely knew. Take tissues and dole them out to others if you have no need of them.

I always take a hip flask bottle of clear nail varnish to funerals, as I invaribly encounter someone in the Ladies who's also managed to ladder her stockings/tights and ,a packet of small safety pins to spare the blushes of those who, having scoped out the attire of their fellow mourners, decide that the plunge neck navel-grazing top isn't as suitable as it appeared earlier.

If one of my siblings were to die prematurely I would want and expect my SO to take a back seat before, during, and after the funeral service so I could give my undivided attention to my dps but if your dh customarily relegates you to the back seat, or continues to do so after your SIL's ashes have been scattered/interred, I suggest you create another thread on this board to raise any concern or gripe you may have at being treated like a second-class citizen in your marriage.

[WalkingBlind]

Personally I wouldn't take the children? I'm wondering now if that's just something done in my own family (I thought it was common practice).

And even if you aren't sat with DH you can sit anywhere else you chose. It doesn't have to be the entire back of the room, usually where people who aren't directly involved sit I would have thought the row behind him would have been fine surely.

I wouldn't be comfortable staying at the house and I'm sure many others wouldn't either. Just due to the timescale of things. I think PIL deep down wouldn't feel right about disturbing the room so soon as well.

Me and my OH have experienced grief while together and we did get "snappy" with each other. As we had no-one else around us in those times. Hopefully your DH will apologise when he feels more grounded.

But you are still a person too and you're currently taking on a lot. Don't feel like you have to tolerate being miserable just to 'support him' as you haven't done anything wrong at all. If he wants to deal with things on his own maybe best to leave him to it, he can't say you didn't try to be there for him.

[Colourfulpast1975]

At the moment, I think I'm going to book an hotel room the night before the funeral. Go to the funeral, seat where I'm asked to seat. Hope for the day to go fast and move on. Something else he said about the funeral and only focusing on his parents during the day is : he needs to be there especially for his mum as he doesn't trust his dad to confort her. Ok the man is not known for sharing his feelings but surely he is going to step up for a time like that and not let his son look after his wife when he should ?

[RockiePlace]

I think you have made the right choices. Stay in a hotel with the children explaining that it will be better for both them and your ILs-then do exactly as you are asked at the actual funeral-leave your DH to do what he feels he needs to do.

[BertrandRussell]

"Ok the man is not known for sharing his feelings but surely he is going to step up for a time like that and not let his son look after his wife when he should ?"

What, the man who's daughter has just died?

[Colourfulpast1975]

Bertrand - ok it sounds wrong and I shouldn't have thought/said it.

[antimatter]

I am not sure if anyone said that already but if close member of the family dies then you mourn the whole life you had with them.
Your husband has childhood and teenager memories he shared with his sister.
True, SIL wasn't in your family life but she was in his life. Esp if he is younger of the siblings.

You didn't have time to establish relationship with her but she was his life for many years.

I ma not British too and had to learn how funerals are done here. They are celebrations of the life someone just ended, what they meant to the family and friends. Not much of sameness in funerals and eulogies are very personal. That's why your dh would be writing it himself.
His pain will never go away but the time between passing away and funeral are very hard for everyone.
It must be hard having to look after 2 kids and holding full-time job when all of this is happening but after the funeral things will get easier.

I think you have no choice but to be patient and let him take all the time he needs.

Of course his sister thought she had all her life ahead of her to build relationship with her brother's family but that didn't happen and he must be sad about it too.

[NewLife4Me]

OP, I feel really sorry for you, this doesn't sound easy.
Do you know if there is to be a church service before the cremation?
If not, then it will be a pretty quick service and completed between 30 mins and an hour.
There's no better way I know of saying this, so apologies, but they don't hang around at the crem, it's usually quick.

I can't understand why your dh would want you and dc to sit away from him and other family members, you are part of this family too. However, under the circumstances I would do it gladly and not make a fuss.

I would question whether the children needed to be there as it's not like they knew her at all and they could be at school, with just you paying your respects with dh.
If he still doesn't want you to sit with him, maybe not go at all and be at home for dc when school finishes.

I would definitely not sleep in the same room, I couldn't even go upstairs in my parents house to begin with, I could never have slept in their room.

[IdealWeather]

Death does strange things to people and I found that every family has their own 'culture' around it.
My parents are the emotional type but don't talk to me about it.
My PIL are very matter of fact and so down to earth that I think some people would be shocked/hurt by their attitude.

I would let your DH do whatever he wants to do and follow his guidance re the funeral arrangements.
I would avoid to be involved, esp as you don't get on very well with your MIL. It's a good way to avoid any 'normal' issue to come up and let them say their farewell their way. (Not saying you would, it's just that normal dynamics are still playing there but are much harder to handle when people are grieving).

Then I would reassess the situation after the funeral. You clearly have gone out of your way to support your DH and it's catching up with you. I'm wondering if your DH has realised that. I'm wondering if he also has realised the impact on you too (ie no you didnt know her well but having someone close and the same age than you dying is also shacking in itself).
After the funeral, then it will be time for you to rebalance the work at home etc etc

[IdealWeather]

Actually Bertrand I think that the OP is right about her comment on her FIL.

I would have similar reservations about my FIL in a similar circumstance. Heck my DH had reservations about his ability to look after my MIL after she had a very very serious surgery.

The way I read it is that it's not a grieving issue, it's an issue with his overall attitude/character/abilities, which aren't going to change in the middle of the funeral.
I do think that hoping he would step up to support his DW BECAUSE of the circumstances is naive. If anything, normal patterns of behaviour might even be more obvious. It's good that her DH has realised that. It's also unsurprising seeing the dynamic the OP is describing.

[timelytess]

Go along with his plans regarding the funeral.
Quietly get your ducks in a row andconsider LTB.
He does not see you as 'family'.

[starfishmummy]

I know the family are upset. But thyy are treating the op and her ds abysmally here. She seems to be being treated like a random stranger and not alike her husbands life partner. I just wouldn't be going.

(And yes, I have lost close family members. And I certainly didn't treat spouses or children like this family are doing)

[antimatter]

true, I at with the family at MIL's and her sister's funerals and was involved in everything together with my kids

I think what's wrong here OP has been excluded all the time and SIL not warming up to her

for some reason OP's DH goes along with it but as soemone said - every family has their customs around funerals and difficult situations

there was thread on MN 2 weeks ago about family wishing no children to funeral and how upset they were that their nephew was bringing 3 or 7 year olds to the funeral against their wishes

I wonder if OP's family would prefer no kids at the funeral but are not telling her that.

[Oakmaiden]

I know the family are upset. But thyy are treating the op and her ds abysmally here. She seems to be being treated like a random stranger and not alike her husbands life partner. I just wouldn't be going.

Grieving people sometimes do strange things. True, they are not being solicitous of OP. True, they are pushing her away. But she is not grieving - she has not lost a much loved family member. She can afford to be the bigger person here, and just let them do what they feel they need to do. It will not hurt her or her relationships with anyone in the family to go along with what they want. Whereas kicking up a stink about it/refusing to go would be very damaging.

[BertrandRussell]

At my FIL's funeral, dp and his siblings sat at the front with their mother, the dils and sils sat separately with the children so we could take them out if necessary, and let mil and her children concentrate on looking after each other.

[PosieReturningParker]

I would not want to sleep in a room where someone died.

You are going along with everything else, so a hotel would be fine.

[notonyurjellybellynelly]

Having to sit at the back of a family funeral because its what my husband wanted would have me examining my whole relationship with him.

[notonyurjellybellynelly]

I know the family are upset. But thyy are treating the op and her ds abysmally here. She seems to be being treated like a random stranger and not alike her husbands life partner. I just wouldn't be going.

Nope nor would I and it would be a no, with bells on.

[goddessofsmallthings]

I shouldn't have thought/said it

Please don't believe this ^ as your thoughts are as valid as those of any other person and this is a place where you can express them no matter how unfeeling or uncharitable you, or others, think they may be.

Funerals can bring out the best and the worst in people and it's to be hoped that your SIL's last rites will bring some comfort to those who loved her.

[NancyDecca]

"Having to sit at the back of a family funeral because its what my husband wanted would have me examining my whole relationship with him.

At MIL's funeral DH and his DB sat at the front with his father, to be with him and because they were going to say a few words, so easier to get up and to the front. SILs and DCs further back rather than us all being packed into the front pew. I have to say it never occurred to me to examine my whole relationship with him. That day wasn't all about me. Perhaps I am under thinking it.

That said, I suppose it depends on the way it is discussed.

[Helmetbymidnight]

Blimey, if I lose a sibling, I hope dh will look after the kids somewhere too so I can concentrate on df.

[BertrandRussell]

"That day wasn't all about me. Perhaps I am under thinking it"

No, you're not. The kneejerk in-law bashers are just out in force.

[NancyDecca]

Bertrand - I didn't really think I was .

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

At MIL's funeral, there wasn't space for all the immediate family (dh, dbil, myself and the dses, MIL's sister, her husband, their children and grandchildren) in the front pew, but we kept the front two pews on either side for the immediate family, so even if we weren't sitting right next to eachother, we were all together.

Banishing your spouse and child to the back of the church seems very odd to me. There is no reason they couldn't be in the pew behind the OP's husband and parents.