Dilemma - SIL 's funeral

[Colourfulpast1975]

Hi there,

I hope you can help me. My sil (husband's sister) has passed away a bit less than 2 weeks. It's really sad as you can imagine, she had been sick for a long time so we were ready (as much as you can be ready). Dh has spent lots of time at his parents where they were caring for her sister. They were not really closed as she led a complete different (but very happy life). I have been 16 years with Dh and I probably saw her 10 times since I had known Dh. It took her 2 years to accept our invitation to meet our new ds even if she lived 1 hour 30 away from us. Anyway it was always nice to see her and we never resented her for the lack of effort in seeing us ! She had a busy life.

Now : I never particularly got on with my mil as she still insists on treating Dh like a little boy (he let her). Obviously, I'm supporting as much as I can my Dh. Trying to make his every day's life a bit easier, asking how he is ? Does he need space ?? Etc...the funeral is next week. This is my problem : I do not want to sleep where his sister died, I'm feeling really bad about it but I can't help feeling like that. Would I be horrible to suggest we go to an hotel? The funeral itself : Dh told me that he wanted me and the ds at the back and not seating with his family as he was only going to focus on his mum in case of she was going to collapse. And I say what about you ? He said I'll have my mum and dad. He doesn't want my comfort. He wants me there me and the ds but he just want me there to look after the ds...does it make sense ? I'm sorry if I don't make any sense, I have never been in this situation.

He doesn't want me to comfort him isn't he ?

[Helmetbymidnight]

Well it doesn't seem odd to ask your spouse to look after the kids at the back and it's hardly, in isolation, a Ltb.

[rainbowstardrops]

With regards to your DH pushing you away - is he usually like this? Maybe it's his way of dealing with his grief? It must be hurtful though.

The whole sitting at the back thing is just plain odd! I could totally understand immediate family at the front and then partners etc behind but at the back?????? I could also understand if you had a baby or toddler and it would be more practical to be able to whisk them out quickly. Very odd and something else going on I think.

[Colourfulpast1975]

This thread has helped me a lot, I'm going to be as patient as I can be and more. Book a hotel room or travel on the day so we are not in the way. Try not to get involved as much as I can during the day and only look after the kids. Seat where I'm told to seat. There is no church service, just a gathering then the cremation (I think). I feel shit because I'm probably more anxious that I owe to be because I'm having the mother of every pmt and I'm simply shattered, I haven't had a break for a long time. I really did my best supporting and being there for him up until yesterday when I felt the need to write this thread. I need to re-focus, he lost his sister, it's a dreadful thing to have to go through.

[BarbarianMum]

Other than the reasons given above

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I have had a quick skim back - and I may have missed something obvious, in which case, my apologies - but the only reasons I can see are that the OPs dh wants to focus on his parents, and he has asked the OP to sit at the back.

In my experience, having dh, the dses and me in the church, in the pew next to them did not stop my sister or her dh concentrating on my mum at my dad's funeral, and at dmil's funeral, we all wanted the family as close as possible. One of her neices sat at the back, with her small children, because she didn't want them to disrupt the service, but none of us would have batted an eyelid if she'd sat behind us with the children, and nipped out if necessary. However, all families are different - I do accept that this is just my experience, not universal fact.

What does strike me, though, is the message that's sent, when the OP's dh wants his wife and his children to sit at the back, nowhere near him or his parents - to me that says they are not family at all - he'd rather have his SIL's friends (who he may not know at all) sitting closer to him than his own family. That would really upset me, if I were the OP.

Maybe he is so focused on his grief and his parents' grief that he cannot see this - I can understand that - he's going through a horrible time.

[Colourfulpast1975]

Just spoke to him and he doesn't get it, he said we could sleep on the floor instead in the living room. He said I'm going to hurt his parents feeling. I'm a monster basically.

[BertNErnie]

Berevement does strange things to people. You never know for sure how someone you know or love will react - even yourself for that matter.

My husbands father died suddenly 2 years ago. He flew to be with his mum and siblings that night leaving me and our two children behind. I let him decide when he wanted us to be there and how he wanted the day to run. We flew out a week later and I literally spent most of the time looking after our DC whilst he arranged the funeral.

I left them with a nanny on the day of the funeral as he decided he didn't want them to come even though they cried as we left because they didn't want to be left alone and I sat with him and comforted him if he needed me to during the ceremony.

His priority was his mum which I completely understood and he stood by her side the entire day/night. I just kind of hid in the background and talked to people I knew.

We had been together 13 years at that point. I've never asked him about how he felt about my role during that time or if he felt I could have been more of a support but we talk about the circumstances and his fathers death from time to time when he wants to and I think I supported me as best as he wanted me to.

I would just go along with it and be there for him as and when he needs you to be.

Sorry for your loss x

[Colourfulpast1975]

Thank you Bert. I'm doing everything to be supportive and say yes to everything but sleeping at his parents the day before the funeral. Thank you for sharing

[WeAllHaveWings]

When my dad died dh was basically there in the background available whenever I needed him. I spent most of the time with my mum and siblings and dh was there hanging about my mums house like a spare wheel just being there when I needed him, or something needed done. It was comforting for me to know he was there, appreciated by my parents and probably awkward and boring as hell for him.

He even went up unprompted and cleaned a mess left on the carpet where my dad died.

If he had put any pressure on me by being disrespectful to or avoiding my family/family home at such a difficult time I would have thought much less of him as a person and it would have been something that would have stuck in my memory.

This is one of these time when its not about you, you need to be there at your MILs for your dh if/when he needs you.

[PosieReturningParker]

I think you're being really supportive CFP

[Helmetbymidnight]

I think you sound lovely too op.

I would just take his lead. If he's anything like me, he will just want to be reassured that the kids are ok and then be left to do his own thing.

Re the bedroom issue, that's tricky, I would probably push for the hotel but say you'll be there all the time other than that.

[Badders123]

When my dad died my mother had a heart attack the same day..
She was not that long out of hospital when we had to arrange the funeral
I travelled to the church and crem with my mum and siblings
I also sat with them at both
Dh sort of was in the background but there if I needed him
I appreciated it very much
It took all I had to get through that day and I was very worried my mum would end up collapsing and back in hospital
I think you need to just suck it up tbh
I realise you don't get on with your pils but they have just lost a child.
It's not about you
Grow up

[Badders123]

And I should also point out my dh helped me give cpr to my dad and went with him in the ambulance. I will never be able to express how much that meant to me.
He was there - all the time - but he knew I needed to concentrate on my mum and sister (who nearly had a breakdown after my dad died)

[Colourfulpast1975]

Badders - I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad and sorry for your poor mum. I can't begin to imagine how you must have felt. I must sound like a complete twat and I apologise for it. I'm just so tired and I'm trying hard but failing at the moment.

[notonyurjellybellynelly]

No, you're not. The kneejerk in-law bashers are just out in force

No, not at all. The opposite is in fact true because I detest the pasting in-laws take on here and Im often to be found posting an alternative view to how people perceive them.

Im fortunate enough to be part of an extended family as well as being a mother in law to the most wonderful of people. Im also fortunate that my children's in-laws are part of our family. But maybe thats the problem - I don't understand how it can be for people who belong to a family where a husband or other family member would say 'sit at the back'.

It sounds horrendous and not just because its implying - you won't know how to do this so stay out of the way.

Its an insult dressed up in the most flimsy of excuses.

[Badders123]

Thank you.
I'm sure my dh felt very stressed at times too...I was a just going through the motions and trying to get through the days. It was very much like that the day of the funeral too. Very much a "head down and get through it"
Speaking to my siblings afterwards they said they felt the same.
Your dh must have lots of conflicting emotions...losing a sibling must be hard...someone so near his own Age?
Bereavement certainly makes you aware of your own mortality!
My dc did not come to the church or crem but came to the wake. I was very glad they were there.
I'm sorry you are finding it so hard, but I think the rule of thumb in times like these is wherever possible do what the bereaved person wants, and put your own feelings aside.
My mum made some decisions wrt my dads funeral that I would not have made. Not my decision. I did what i was asked to do.
I hope you all manage to get through this difficult time as best you can. That's all anyone can do.

[Badders123]

I feel quite bad realising I have absolutely no idea where my dh Sat at either the church or crem!
It must have been near the front as he read the eulogy!
Another thing that came as a surprise to me Op was that indolent really feel much "closure" (awful word!) After the funeral.
I think I was so fixed on getting through it I never really stopped to think how would feel afterwards. I was totally numb for weeks. Your dh may be the same. Even now 3 years later the grief still hits me like a tonne of bricks.
The funeral is one day.
You will be there for your dh long after that x

[Nanny0gg]

I must sound like a complete twat and I apologise for it. I'm just so tired and I'm trying hard but failing at the moment.

No you don't. You are doing your best with a really difficult situation and I think your DH is treating you very badly.

And before everyone comes rushing in to accuse me of in-law bashing and not respecting grief - I have lost people very, very close to me. It's never made me treat my DH badly because of it.

[Nanny0gg]

he will just want to be reassured that the kids are ok

It sounds to me like he's not even given them a second thought.

I know we all handle grief differently, but I really don't think in this instance that it's the OP who needs to grow up. Her in-laws have lost a daughter and that is awful and they need support through all of this. I don't see why their son is cutting his wife out at the same time though.

[Badders123]

I don't think I gave my kids a second thought either....
I suppose I must be a monster in your eyes?
I almost lost both parents in 12 hours in very distressing circumstances and was trying to talk my sister down from complete hysterical breakdown (she was abroad on holiday)
I had just failed to save my beloved dad, and then we rush mum to hospital and a Dr tells me mum has had a heart attack....
My kids were the last thing on my mind
They didn't need me.
They had dh and my pils to look after them
My sick, bereaved mum needed me
My sister needed me
My brother needed me
Dh and the kids? Nope.

[Nanny0gg]

I'm sorry for what you went through Badders, but I really don't think the two situations are remotely the same.

I don't want to upset you. We all bring our different circumstances to bear when we answer posts on here and yours were particularly distressing. I can only go by what the OP has said. Your DH was clearly a part of the family and a support to you.

The OP isn't being allowed to take that role as far as I am reading, so I am answering accordingly. Yes, the family should be allowed to grieve and conduct the funeral as to their own wishes, but in that case I think the OP should think to how her relationship with her DH actually is afterwards.

[crazyhead]

My mum died at home last year. I didn't bring kids to funeral (too young) but if I had I can see I might have asked DH to sit at back with them. I had to read the eulogy and people wanted to express their condolences. It was hard enough to grieve as it was without kids next to me - which would have been another responsibility.

I'd have felt strange about staying in the room mum died in so soon after though I have done since. In your circs I'd actually ask what the family want on day of funeral. If having ds around/having you around to have late night cup of tea with would be a massive distraction and good for them, maybe sleep on living room floor? If not, sure, hotel.

In short, room is fair enough but I'd be flexible about the rest. I found it brutally hard and at least mum lived into her late 60s.

[Joysmum]

I totally agree with Badders having lost my nan (which was bad enough) and my DH having lost both his parents before he was 40. It was natural to us both to share our immediate grief with the family with shared history of the good old days, rather than each other.

That has no reflection on how good our marriage is, and it was in the subsequent weeks/months/years that we have been invaluable to each other to deconstruct feelings, share grief, and try to move forwards.

[Badders123]

Her dh knows the Op is there to take care of the kids, surely?
I'm sure that is a huge comfort to him.
We gave out kids the option but they didnt want to go to the church or crem and Tbh i was glad. It was frankly the worst day of my life to date.
Wrt the room...it's just room and I can see how - in this emotionally charged time - her pils would see it as hurtful if she stayed in a hotel
It's ONE day
I can't believe anyone can't suck it up for ONE day
And dont worry, you haven't upset me
But I do feel the Op is being unreasonable here. Perhaps - and I say this gently - the pmt isn't helping her thought process?

[Badders123]

Absolutely, joy.
Dh was and is my rock
Where he sat at dad's funeral is utterly utterly irrelevant.