Dilemma - SIL 's funeral

[Colourfulpast1975]

Hi there,

I hope you can help me. My sil (husband's sister) has passed away a bit less than 2 weeks. It's really sad as you can imagine, she had been sick for a long time so we were ready (as much as you can be ready). Dh has spent lots of time at his parents where they were caring for her sister. They were not really closed as she led a complete different (but very happy life). I have been 16 years with Dh and I probably saw her 10 times since I had known Dh. It took her 2 years to accept our invitation to meet our new ds even if she lived 1 hour 30 away from us. Anyway it was always nice to see her and we never resented her for the lack of effort in seeing us ! She had a busy life.

Now : I never particularly got on with my mil as she still insists on treating Dh like a little boy (he let her). Obviously, I'm supporting as much as I can my Dh. Trying to make his every day's life a bit easier, asking how he is ? Does he need space ?? Etc...the funeral is next week. This is my problem : I do not want to sleep where his sister died, I'm feeling really bad about it but I can't help feeling like that. Would I be horrible to suggest we go to an hotel? The funeral itself : Dh told me that he wanted me and the ds at the back and not seating with his family as he was only going to focus on his mum in case of she was going to collapse. And I say what about you ? He said I'll have my mum and dad. He doesn't want my comfort. He wants me there me and the ds but he just want me there to look after the ds...does it make sense ? I'm sorry if I don't make any sense, I have never been in this situation.

He doesn't want me to comfort him isn't he ?

[Pancakeflipper]

His mum, not yours. Sorry.

[ivykaty44]

On a practice level, unless they have somewhere else to move the hospital bed to - it could well still be there. A friend died and the bed was still there two months later with his widow phoning every week to get it taken away.

I would book into a hotel etc for you and the dc for two nights, one night each side and let your dh be with his parents.

It maybe your dh is worried about the dc seeing grandparents and himself a mess at the service and frightening them, those are his wishes though and he will know where you are should he need you.

[SweepTheHalls]

Honestly there is no way as would be sleeping in that room, and I think that your DH is being very odd in not sleeping with you, or wanting you with him at the funeral, but that bit is his prerogative. I would certainly be booking a hotel though.

[IsItMeOr]

Sorry for your loss OP.

DSIL died last year and, while we weren't super close, we were very much part of each other's lives. It was also a shock when somebody so close to my (not old!) age died so unexpectedly. And it doesn't really change the pre-existing family dynamics or issues - sometimes makes them more pronounced, I think (good in our case, as DMIL and I already had a good relationship).

DS was only 5 when the funeral happened. And although my initial instinct was to keep him away, it was so important to DH and DMIL (and DS) that he went, I followed their lead. DS was an absolute star on the day and throughout the whole thing. DH was completely right in how he chose to handle it.

Good luck. I know it can be tough supporting your DH and family through this, which can be hard if you have anything else going on in your life that is a bit challenging.

[Queenie73]

for my BIL's funeral Mass, I sat at the back of the church with my son, who was 6 months old. This was purely so he didn't get upset and disrupt the whole service. He did cry a bit and I was able to quietly slip outside and walk about with him until he calmed down.
Your husband may also not want his child to see him upset. Either way, if that's what he wants then I think you should go along with it.

[Stillunexpected]

OP, do you have more than one child? As you have mentioned "youngest" ds. What ages are your children? If they are very young, I can understand keeping them at the back of the church in case you need to leave. I think it can also be distressing for them to see people they love upset and difficult to understand the concept of death and a funeral with a coffin. Would it be easier all round if they could stay home on the day? With regards to sleeping in the room I can understand why you could find it difficult and think the suggestion of a hotel is a good one.

[IsItMeOr]

Just seen that you haven't been to a funeral before.

How old are your DC?

Have a google for tips on talking to children about bereavement and preparing them for a funeral. Ask DH for some details of the service, so that you or he can make sure that the DC (and you ) know what to expect.

We did all of this for DS, partly because he has autism, but I think any child would need similar.

After DSIL died, DH, DMIL and I talked for a while about our experiences with death and funerals as children, and it made us realise how scary it was that none of the adults explained things to us in ways we could understand.

[goddessofsmallthings]

I don't see this as a matter of him not wanting you to comfort him so much as him wanting the comfort of grieving with his dps and being able to support them as much as possible during the funeral without the constraint of having to consider whether any unbridled display of grief will be upsetting to your dc, eg if they were to see him and/or their dgps with tears streaming down their faces.

I would suggest that you make plans to travel to the funeral on the day appointed with your dc, using public transport if necessary, and if mourners are invited back to the family home or another venue after the service spend as little time as would be considered polite, say an hour, before returning home alone with the dc leaving your dh to stay the night with his dps.

If the distance is too far to facilitate this plan, I would suggest that you book a hotel/b&b for yourself and the dc for the nights before and after the funeral so that your dh can stay at the family home with his dps on those two nights that will be the most harrowing for them although, of course, there will be many more such nights to be endured before time begins to ease the pain of their loss.

In the weeks to come he will need your comfort, but until the formalities are over and he has returned to work, assuming that he has been given compassionate leave, you can be of most service to your dh by ensuring that he is relieved of the need to paste a smile on his face at times when he may simply want to weep.

With regard to you not wanting to sleep "where his sister died", are you referring to the room/bed in which she died or the house in which she took her last breath, and do you envisage that this will be a permanent state of mind which may give rise to problems if you are invited to stay overnight with your ils at some future date?

[LeaLeander]

Book a hotel. You don't need his permission and he's made it clear he won't be spending time with you, that you primarily are there perfunctorily.

Repeat: You do not need his permission to decide you are staying in a hotel. I would not want to stay in a house of death either let alone the very room where all of that suffering took place. You do not need to justify yourself to anyone.

Or, as another said, let your husband go on ahead and you & your child show up for the funeral services. That sounds like the best plan.

[IsItMeOr]

goddess OP has already clarified that she and DS's would be sleeping in the actual room where SIL stayed through her illness and then died. DH would be sleeping in another room.

OP, I would also consider that children perceive death very differently to adults. Depending on their ages, I would be thinking about how long it's reasonable to expect them to be able to do "appropriate" mourning behaviour. DS managed the funeral day okay, with our preparation. I wouldn't have expected him to manage two overnight stays and more.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

She sat with me and the dses at my dad's funeral, and I sat with dbil at dmil's funeral, with dh and the dses in the other front pew (the four of them had been pallbearers so it made sense for them all to sit together).

It was important to me to have dh with me, and for me to be with family at the two funerals, and I can't imagine dh banishing me to the back of the church at his mum's funeral, or me doing the same to him at my dad's funeral, even though it meant I couldn't sit with my mum and sister.

I can understand he wants to be with his parents, but I am not sure why you can't sit behind them, so you are all close.

However, the funeral is about him and his parents, and you don't want to make a hard day any harder, so if you are OK to sit apart from him, I'd do that, but stay in a hotel beforehand.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Sorry - the first sentence should be 'Dh sat with... - autocorrect got me again.

[sunshinesummer]

I wouldn't want to sleep in a room, that someone died in 2 weeks previously. I think a hotel is definitely the way to go.

Regards you and dc sitting at the back, that's a bit insensitive of him, but I guess you could tell people it was in case dc cried (you could make a quick escape out the door)

[blindsider]

Having read this thread it never ceases to amaze me what people worry about

[Hassled]

It's not that unusual to have immediate family members sat together at a funeral with spouses, grandchildren etc further back - that was certainly the case when my father died, and I've seen it happen at other times.

[Colourfulpast1975]

It won't be a constant state of mind...I do not want to sleep in the room where she finished her life and had her last breath. It's going to be already hard as it is :( kids are 7 and 9.

[nodifyoucanhearme]

Hi OP. Sorry for your family's loss.

I know this isn't about you. You know that too. But I just wanted to say that I've been in a similar situation and, as selfish as it sounds, i felt at a loss in terms of not being needed. It can be hurtful being shut out when if it was the other way round you'd need the other person's support.

But it sounds like what your husband needs is to focus on his parents - which is, of course, understandable. They must be heartbroken.

It's daunting going to a funeral for the first time, especially taking your children. People will be really focused on their own feelings. Don't worry about saying or doing the right thing, just focus on looking after your children. Do ask your husband what the plan is so you can prepare your children.

I think travelling on the day sounds sensible.

[BeachysFlipFlops]

I think it's pretty normal for the widow and immediate family to sit in the front pew and all spouses and children to sit further back in family groups. That's what dh did at his dad's funeral. Him, his mum, brothers and sister.

I would do a day trip for the funeral. Leave home early so you are there most of the day and sleep in your own beds....

[Spandexpants007]

Book a family room and fen tell everyone after. Just explain that you wanted to allow DH and IL's some time together with you close by

[Olddear]

Do the children really have to go? I would let him go on ahead and I would go on the day of the funeral. Personally any funeral I've been to, all the family have sat together at the front, but each to their own.

[IsItMeOr]

blindsider what?

[blindsider]

Isitmeor

What what?

[IsItMeOr]

I don't understand your comment. Are you saying you're surprised that people worry about death and funerals? I thought I must have got the wrong end of the stick.

[Floralnomad]

I wouldn't go at all , if your husband wanted you to all sit together so you would be a support for him then it would be different but he doesn't .

[Colourfulpast1975]

Or I could not go and keep the kids at school and I will be here for him when he comes back.