What causes so many DMs and DMILs to behave so badly?

[lborgia]

The older I get the more years I spend on MN the more baffled I get about whether something just happens to some women that they all start to display these weird behaviours.

So here are my musings - I'd be really interested if anyone has professional, academic, or anecdotal info to share.

1 - This is entirely a product of older generations being abandoned in prams to scream and scream so they got fresh air. This leaves a gaping hole in their development that leaves them feeling constantly unloved and a bottomless well neediness . (This is my favourite theory and entirely made up and without scientific basis).

2 - Narcissism - are the parents who we now perceive as having narcissistic tendencies the ones who then become unbearable mothers of the bride? And then difficult gms? Have there always been this many Narcissistic people or is it on the increase? Because of a change in parenting practices? Because of the abandonment above?

3 - Have women been raised, until relatively recently, to be pliant and put their needs after everyone else in the family and at some point the resentment builds to a point of no return? Does something happen when kids have gone. .there's room for the mother to start, I don't know, change?

4 - the menopause/importance of looks/getting old. Don't have a whole sentence for this, but something about losing relevance? Looks? Being invisible?

So I realise that this may sound ridiculous, as it is only based on my own experience, and a long interest in mothers/in laws of my friends, but it seems rampant, and makes so many people unhappy.

Ignore me if I'm being bonkers?!

What? I don't know how to even. ..when did I say. .. I said SOME people... SOME. As have others. Enough people have a certain way of behaving that I wanted too know if there may be commonalities.

Where did I say that calling all baby boomers narcissists was OK, or even true? I said I found it interesting that it was something that's being bandied around. I thought it was interesting that a baby boomer would write like that. Quote examples of Tim Leary and Bob Dylan etc etc.

Why would you think I'm talking about you? Why is it about you? Why would you think that someone on a thread who is asking about what might make some people behave a certain way is talking about you?

I would laugh if it wasn't so bizarre. You think it's all about you.

Ha!

I don't think the original post was particularly offensive but a few of the responses were.
I do think that family relationship problems have always existed and will continue to exist but I disagree with the idea that this problem has suddenly become "rampant"-although I concede that neither of us has conducted objective research.
Of course this isn't about any individual but don't you think it might grate on you if a bunch of older women were posting generalisations about narcissistic "millennials" and advising others to conduct their relationships on the basis that most people of that generation were basically c**ts.
Prejudice consists of not seeing people as individuals but stereotyping them as in: "Most black people are ..." "Most white people are..." " Most women are.." Most baby boomers are.." etc
It isn't ageist at all to muse about individual difficult relationships-its when the stereotyping starts that we begin to tread a fine line.

"they said "we've never had it so good".."

"They" didn't say that. "They" were told that they'd never had it so good, by the Prime Minister!

"They" didn't say that. "They" were told that they'd never had it so good, by the Prime Minister! Exactly

The DIL who post on Mumsnet are generally young women with young children. They are not MILs and unless you are one , I don't think you understand what it is like to be one. This fact does not stop them posting though. Naturally they are expressing their opinions, which is not based upon the experience of being a MIL. It would be interesting , in fairness, to have a right to reply from the MILs.

Luckily I have both sons and daughters and I am a MIL. My own MIL told me that I wasn't good enough for her son. ( so I have no axe to grind on behalf of MILs. ) I didn't go NC with her but I certainly limited the time I spent with her. She is a difficult woman with a lot of issues.

Guess what? So am I,. I often think my Dh married his Mum. I think a lot of women are like their MILs and so will not get on.

I do keep my mouth tight shut regarding my DILs though and we rub along.
Anyone who has a son will end up being a MIL, my advice is ' have mercy'

As a baby boomer I don't mind a bit being attacked. I feel very privileged to have had free University Education, a marvellous grant, cheap houses and mortgages and a final salary pension.
Attack away.
But also the present generation could ask themselves, what would they have done in our position? Refuse the free education, pension, etc etc......I don't think so.

We can't be blamed en masse for the present situation, it is ridiculous.
Succesive governments surely are responsible. How can the people who have benefitted be blamed? If we had not benefitted, could we also be blamed? Ridiculous.

hole generally dils are posting about one specific mil (their own) rather than mils as a category of being... sometimes people try to avoid the category by posting about "a family member" but other posters always ask or it is difficult to avoid annoying vagueness without stating the relationship. ..

As this thread actually is about being a mil it would be a great place to enlighten those not yet mils themselves by telling them what it is like! Isn't that part of the reason for the op (although the op is also about mothers of adults)?

It would be great if people actually posted something informative about their experiences of being the mil or dm of an adult instead of just shutting discussion down by accusing people of "isms" or castigating people for "talking about things they don'tuunderstand" (one of my father's ffavourite ways of refusing to engage with me when I was a teen, instead of bothering to explain or defend the thing he felt I shouldn't talk about due to not already possessing an in depth understanding)

It's how some women feel 'safe' by emotionally controlling others...perhaps modelling generations of women who had no other way to assert themselves.

People vote for governments, they don't just happen. hole I am in your position, as generation X I have/had all that. In my position I would not vote for a party who remove the ladder for following generations.

It is not the advantages of the baby boomers that are the problem in relationships, it is the attitudes.

Did you vote for the current government?

If you didn't- are you prepared to take responsibility for its policies?

I think it's about clash of style and personality and people wanting their own way/ being selfish.
This can be MIL or it could be DIL.

If the DIL is reasonable and it is a mil problem it is usually about control...over the dgc, over the son or DIL, for example over where they will live, routine for the children, babysitting, being judgemental, undermining the DIL or son with the grandchildren or invading their privacy and space.
This could be because they are being left out and are feeling hurt, or it could be that they are domineering and want to be in control.

My own mil was kind, but she was a bit domineering and interfering at times.

I try to be kind and positive...everything I do for or with them is based on trying to be a positive enhancement in their lives. However I am blessed with an amazing , kind and easy going DIL which makes it easy.

Biput traditional mil issues come from them expecting to be in control..think about Indian family structure for example.

And the men leave them to it as it's the ' women's domain'.

I love my dil and my sil and get on really well with them. I was very fond of my mother in law too.
I was left out in a pram in all weathers. I was an indulged only child from a strongly matriarchal working class family and I try very hard to be as good a grandma as my mum was.

I didnt see that the OP was saying to conduct relationships based on the generalisations more musing on what might be the drivers for conflict.

The IL relationship (not just MIL but PIL and others) is an odd relationship. It is possibly more stretched now than in earlier generations. Increased geographical mobility may mean that the IL's whether up or down the generations are total strangers to each other yet the DW or DH of course grew up with their parents. Even in the happiest of relationships there are going to be foibles (such a lovely word!) which will be familiar to one partner but grate with a relative stranger.