What would you put in DATING THREAD 101....

[tanyadm]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

Jollyp ignore what I've said I'm obviously not thinking straight after this evening! I've read your post again and see that you are keen to meet him! Your judgement will work just fine. But my post still applies to anybody else who might not be feeling it.

Has anybody else ever agreed to a second date because they felt bad for the man? I think it was a symptom of my low self confidence and inability to say what I was really thinking at the time. After my controlling marriage I realised my default position is to please the man, I must not upset the man. I have come such a long way and now I'm honest with myself if I don't want a second date or I'm unsure.

We will all be waiting for the loo updates Waving!

Oh wow Foxtrot that's amazing - lovely smell

You don't want to end up like me with the smitten disease. I've seriously questioned my sanity these past four weeks.

But..... Woohoo!!!! when is your next date? Was the snogging good?

JollyP your judgement is fine, just go along to the next date - 'dating is a discovery phase' is a mantra that I love (Natalie Lue).

Trills gin bar date - classy - very excited for you - that's the kinda guy I would be v interested in - one who plans ahead interesting dates...

ocelot this advice comes with please do yourself a favour and disconnect from his social media. It will speed your recovery, I promise. Have a look at the MH podcast - 'why your ex is not The One'

Happy Thursday all!

foxtrot sounds absolutely PERFECT! really lovely to read and looking forward to the next date and subsequent updates!
waving I still can't believe you're going to Madrid for your 5th date! This just doesn't happen right? I'm glad your messaging seems to be cementing things between you before you go and there are no doubts or nerves. It all seems very comfortable and right
trills when is the gin date? How posh! Love it!
freaky bacon seems to have got his stuff together, can't wait to read all about this date when it comes around!
No news here, all gone flat this week...
Have a great day everyone! Any dates this evening happening?

Morning all!

The next Crumpet date is pencilled in for Saturday but I'm not allowing myself to get excited until definite times etc are planned. The snogging was lovely. He really is just right for me.

But that is a slippery slope - I must remember that there are more lovely men out there who could all be right for me if this doesn't work out. I'm determined to stay calm even if he never texts me again . I am the prize!

Yes, dating is just discovering. I feel a bit nervous when I think that I need to remind a man of that!

DrFoxtrot that's good news :-)

Very glad you had a nice time.

No matter what happens now - you had a good evening. That means you had a successful first date.

and Waving a fifth date in Madrid!? That is stylish! Qué te lo pases muy bien!

Trills gin bar, lovely! Very classy. Order a Hendricks? lots of cucumber.

Aw Foxtrot you sound just the right mix if smitten and keeping your feet on the ground. Roll on Saturday!

Handy I can't find that particular MH podcast - do you have a link or is it by subscription? Maybe MH can make me see sense... But he's 28 & gorgeous so not sure he can channel mid 50s woman with limited dating prospects!

Morning everyone!

I'm properly loving this thread! So many uber lovely dating tales.

waving what time do you leave tomorrow? This has to be the best 5th date ever!!!!

last hang in there! It's ups and downs galore, perseverance is the key.

freaky nicely done on the bacon front! Whoop whoop

steady it's true. Hay is for horses, not for greetings!

trills I love it when a date takes charge and arranges something cool! Good man!

jollyp I think what happens is that you have your physical reaction and then if they continue to draw you in via text then that can pull you in emotionally. Partially because of the attention and consistency. Based on my dating experiences I pay more attention to my RL reaction to someone. It's based on something more tangible. I would defo give it one more date to see if your reaction changes but if not...you have your answer.

fox yay re crumpet!!! No, I've never had a date if I've felt sorry for someone. I think it's leading people on to do so. Plus I'm busy and will prioritise tons of other stuff over a date that has zero potential.

geordie yes I think it is a red flag, but depends on the context.....

ocelot am a plus one on handys advice re social media. Block him everywhere and just go cold turkey. For your own sanity xx

handy o smitten one (think we have 3 of you smitten kittens on this thread), how is twix?

Sassy haha I think I'm the worst of the smitten kittens. Twix sent me a message this morning about his crazy stressful work load and that he'll be working this weekend but it won't affect our Sat night plans I feel like we are both in with both feet now. It just feels amazing and exciting and all that jazz.

Lucky me!!!!

I do absolutely have the thread to thank for getting through the last few weeks and allowing me to lose my shit entirely with you lot and not him. So - thanks Everyone

ocelot I subscribe to MH podcasts in iTunes. Praps that's the way to get it.

Flying in to say to all the smitten ones.

I have a date tonight, with N. Spoke to him for nearly an hour last night, he'd been to the pub - he was a little the worse for wear, and I am a bit (I'm divorcing an EA alcoholic) - drinking too much is my Massive Red Flag. So, I will see how this evening goes.

G texted yesterday, mid-morning, and I didn't reply. He's not texted since. I really should send a 'thanks, but no thanks' text, but I think it might stir up loads of texting again.

And MrM is back in touch - lots of messaging this morning, and mentions of a date next week (after his family go back home on Sunday). I think I'm going to keep him on the back burner, see how it goes.

Right, need to work good luck to everyone else with dates - Ocelot if you Google for Matthew Hussey LoveLife, there's an RSS feed with all the podcasts on it, or search in YouTube.

Brilliant news waving

last I had my 4th date with Captain Pugwash last night. It was a late one.
There are things I really like about him and some things that niggle me.
Anyway we're on for date no 5 tonight so we'll see if he can impress me this time.

What niggles you about him, Anna?

Waving do your dc know where you're off to and why?

Handy on the one hand he in life in general is very good at understanding people and getting to the crux of things, he has a similar 'live and let live' attitude to mine and is easy going and sound. We both know some of the same people and his assessment of them is identical to mine. He can be very lovely.

On the other hand he knows nothing about women and the way they work. At all. Has no idea how they tick, I suppose he's never had to. He sometimes says the 'wrong' things. I don't think I'm being unreasonable.
He said he 'likes curvy women now' then on another date he said that I'm the 'biggest girl he's ever been out with'. I'm a size 10 albeit with curves but I've always been conscious about my weight who hasn't and that cut.
He is a man's man, which I like to some extent, but with that comes a lack of understanding of women.
He'd be mortified if he thought he'd upset me but I don't know if I want to explain because it will be this time and the next time and so on.

All thoughts appreciated.

I think you've done the right thing Waving. The truth is usually better and they are old enough to be able to deal with the fact that you have a boyfriend, and indeed a life beyond being a parent!

But at the same time, I can also understand their insecurity. My mum saw someone briefly when I was at university and that made me feel....weird. Hard to explain. I think as long as they know that they are always your top priority, they'll get used to the idea in time.

And yes, please smitten people, stay on the thread! Those of us as yet unsmitten need your wisdom

Batshit Can you not just do a "thanks but no thanks" message for G and then block? This is the guy that got twitchy with you cos you were still on POF right? Good luck with N tonight!

Ah yes I know what you mean, I wouldn't want to tell older ones a blatant lie, either.

There's a fantastic quote in the book 'Getting Naked Again' about children's attitudes to mothers' dating. Something along the lines of 'if children were offered the choice between Mum being happy and spreading their wings and travelling the world or Mum sobbing and lonely in the next room - they would choose the latter'

And I think that's true, our children want us close at hand for all their normal, selfish reasons. So I think it's ok to let that be, and to also respect our kids' worries about 'de-stabilising forces' in life after divorce. But then to be equally mindful of our own needs and do it anyway! In a sensitive way obvs!

It's just the thorny issue of when to tell them about a new relationship. The Madrid thing kinda forces the issue doesn't it.

My eldest (turning 13) knows about Twix because she saw texts and asked. I told her I've been on a few dates but we're not boyfriend/girlfriend. Although that's beginning to change I feel (eek).

I think if Twix and I go OK I am going to try and do the 6 months rule before introducing. My previous relationship I introduced much sooner. But back then my ex barely ever had the dc, so it would have been impossible otherwise.

Waving your older children will get used to the idea as long as you take it slowly. It's a bit gross thinking that your parents who are old and they're your parents actually still want to have relationships sex when you are finding out about those things for yourself but they will come round to the idea.
I agree that the younger ones don't need to know for now.

My quirky 11 yo is oblivious to most things to the me and Twix thing.