What would you put in DATING THREAD 101....

[tanyadm]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will.
12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now)
13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good.
14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

[lastnicknamefree]

Can anyone tell me what's wrong (if anything) with my Tinder? I keep getting repeat people that I've already seen and swiped either way? Is this normal? At first I though, oh I recognise him, pretty sure I've seen him before but assumed it was from POF. But have definately been getting some of the same people round again!

[JustEat314]

ps, I feel relieved that things are all definitely over with Mrcanceller, I would have ended up scared of hurting him because he's a bit sensitive, or his sense of self needs validation from somewhere else. All just too complicated for me. I repaired my own self-esteem 8 years ago (roughly) so he has all of my sympathies but not my personal investment.

[JustEat314]

Wow, good news! JollyX I love the sound of KarmicIron! By the way, are you going to be a christmas jumper all year?!
Sassy good news from you too. I think RL is good. As trills says, when it's OLD it's the zero-th date. A real life first date is one ahead of an OLD date. Completely agree with that.
Foxtrot good investigative work. Did you 'smell' married off him before you dug about?
handy I'd send him a nice letter to say that you are in a new relationship --thus keeping your options open at a later date- (is that bad? although I prefer the sound of twix!)
waving feliz regreso. updates!

Wrt love bombing, my fake buddist and I love-bombed each otehr but it felt so obvious that we got each other, i didn't doubt that he felt he'd ''come home'' when he met me. H didn't love bomb me, he future faked and a little voice in my head whispered "yeh, i'm great H, but you don't know that, you don't SEE me". but in truth I don't know if i could tell fake love from real keenness. H really valued me, and then discarded me though. So future faking and love bombing come from the same crappy place.

[Goldfish21]

Ah, I'm thinking of trying OKC and/or Tinder. Sounds like they might be worth a try!

I love a man who puts thought into planning a date. It's very attractive, I find. And I love cocktail bars! Did you talk about seeing each other again? And most important, was the snogging good?!

[lastnicknamefree]

jollyxmas sounds a brilliant date! This thread is having some brilliant successes on it

[JollyXmasJumper]

Goldfish I met him first OKC back in November then ghosted him for no reason we matched again on Tinder about 3 weeks ago and chatted a couple times since. Funny how I treated him the meanest (he was my Guinea pig for Nanny and Gentle's "treat them mean, keep them keen" theory - cheers guys!) and he turns out to be great haha. He really put a lot of thought in the date planning and was all stressed out/walking on eggshells before the first cocktail though! Conclusion: being a bitch pays

[Goldfish21]

Wow, sounds like an amazing date, JollyX. Which site did you meet him on? Had you been chatting long before you met?

[JollyXmasJumper]

Belated loo update: I had a lovely time with KarmicIron yesterday! New cocktail bar then dinner then cocktails again. Then got kicked out of the bar so we went for a 2am stroll and snogging. . he is genuinely a nice guy, a feminist, very sweet, respectful and thoughtful and the conversation just flows even though we managed to talk about pretty intense stuff too last night. He also says he is looking for a LTR.

All in all, I think he wins best first date so far!

(Sorry me me me post, am quite hangover, can barely function today!)

[Goldfish21]

Last, it's so hard to know, isn't it? It could be a red flag, and, as you say, he could be married. On the other hand, he could have been out/busy the last couple of evenings and likes to do his Tinder-ing late at night. It's definitely one to keep an eye on, and asking to whatsapp him sounds like a good idea. Fwiw, Mr Film always used to message me very late (1am-ish) but I never got any vibes that he was married. I think he was just genuinely a night owl.

I'm glad I'm not alone on the not-asking-questions thing. I don't want to be culling irons for no good reason, but like you say, I quickly lose interest when they do it. Why do they do it? It really intrigues me. I sent Mr Runner a brief message in reply to his, and he replied quickly - but again no questions!

[lastnicknamefree]

goldfish re the messaging I am absolutely with you on this and ot happens to me a lot! I find it very off putting and quickly lose any interest if someone never asks me any questions back or even answers mine!

Well now, my AlmostAnIron has me wondering... Tinder match, I'd swiped right before going to bed the other night, woke up yesterday morning to a new match and message from him during the night. I noticed he'd sent it about 1am so my reply to his opener was something about late night ? We exchanged quite a few very nice chatty messages, he was very friendly and said it would be nice to meet up etc, I had high hopes of turning him into an iron. I had to go out for the day mid conversation so said chat soon etc and sent him a brief chatty one last night asking how his day was and just short and breezy. He didn't reply until 1am again!! I asked him this morning when I got up and saw his message why he only tindered at 1 in the morning and he said he was a night owl I'm thinking there's another reason he doesn't message in the evening, only middle of the night and then in the morning when he's at work. Married? I'm thinking this is a red flag and if we do carry on chatting, I'll be asking to whatsapp him so I can stalk his FB!!

[Goldfish21]

Jollyp, I've never experienced love bombing so not sure what to advise. Why aren't you keen on the other iron?

DrFoxtrot, good stalking! I've never (knowingly) met a married man from OLD, but a friend who's doing it has been really unlucky and met up with several of them. She's quite disillusioned with it now, I think. I'm so disappointed in Crumpet, though. But onwards and upwards with Landscape.

Harriet, good news!

Sassy, sounds like a lovely evening.

Handy, what a shock! But you sound so happy with the lovely Twix.

Meanwhile, it's finally happened - I got a message on POF from someone who has a picture of himself with a fish! As I'm a veggie it's really put me off, but he sounds ok apart from that so I'll see what happens. He could become another iron.

My first iron, Mr Runner, has messaged - with a very short reply to my chatty (but not over-long!) message, and hasn't asked me any questions. I find this very hard. When I message someone, I almost always ask them at least one question, and I find it very off-putting when they reply and don't ask anything in return. Are they not interested in anything about me? Do they lack social skills? Or am I being unfair? I just can't get into the mindset of talking about yourself but not expressing an interest in the other person. I was wondering about challenging him about it if it continues - any views?

[Jollyphonics]

Thank you. I think I've got no choice but run with it and see what happens, but try hard to remind myself intermittently that it may not be real.
And I should probably go on a date with another iron I've been messaging for a fortnight, even though I'm not keen.

[HandyWoman]

Re the love bomb thing.

That's tricky. I've discussed this sort of thing in therapy. When you feel an intense connection and that you are almost emotionally meshed, I think that's a worry. Where there's a bit more pace and distance, I think it's healthier. The way it feels is the way you know.

If you are feeling like it's too much from him, then keep yourself back? Also if you meet anyone else in his life - how does he relate to those people - does he respect people around him and their boundaries?

But if you are just being triggered from past relationships, I think the only solution is to keep an eye wholly focused on actions not words, and see how his emotional investment is demonstrated, over time.

Those are my pearls of wisdom.

I was love bombed by my ex. Promptly followed by the cycles of 'devalue and discard' - actually I did the discarding in the end.

[Jollyphonics]

My understanding of a love-bomber is someone who seems very keen early on, when they can't possibly know you well enough to have such strong feelings. It makes you feel wonderful, special, attractive, sexy, funny etc, because they tell you that's what you are. They text/phone/ want to see you a lot, and you think that finally you've met someone lovely.

Then after a few weeks they just stop, and then dump you, and you come crashing down to earth with a huge bump. It's only happened to me once and it was truly horrible.

The problem is that I've also had relationships when we really did click straight away, and went on to have long and good relationships.

Hence me wondering if there are tell-tale signs to enable us to spot the difference between love-at-first-sight and love-bombing.

Mr Funny and I get on really well, we laugh a lot, and fancy each other like mad (I didn't at first, it took me a few days to decide), have similar sense of humour etc. I want to enjoy it but I can't stop worrying, because I can see myself falling for him.

[NineIrons]

Married DrFoxtrot? I hate that, really hate it but at least you know and can move on. I've seen a couple of local men on Tinder who I know are 'happily' married, I've briefly considered telling their wives but I won't.
Any more potential irons?

TooSassy your date sounds great, is there any way to overcome the trickiness?

muddling long for a woman to destroy my ass my immediate thought was 'with a hacksaw?' I've helped out with taxidermy in the past

I admire the way you plan to deal with the letter handy I really do, I hope you are alright about it all? You seem level headed.

Why could MrFunny be a love bomber JollyP? I don't have any experience with love bombers, so I can't help. It must e difficult not to get drawn into it?

Harriet that sounds good.

By last night I was up to 11 irons and it's frankly exhausting trying to remember names, jobs and what we were last talking about so today I'm having a major cull, I'll be back with news later and probably change my name back too.

[Jollyphonics]

Does anyone have a reliable method of spotting a love-bomber, and how to differentiate them from someone who is genuinely keen? Or is it just a case of waiting and seeing? My ex was smitten within days, as was I, and we ended up living together, engaged, together for years - so that certainly wasn't a love-bomb. It's horrible to think we can't enjoy the early days of dating someone we really click with, because we're worrying it's not real.

[HandyWoman]

Good work Foxtrot

And Harriet mmm that's good, how dyou feel?

[DrFoxtrot]

To not too

[DrFoxtrot]

harriet that's brilliant news!

[DrFoxtrot]

Another productive Facebook stalk!! The gorgeous match I have been chatting to intermittently appears to still be married. He has chatted only at certain times of the week, profile pictures show a happy family and he's not actually gorgeous he's added 8 year old photos too tinder!!

[harriet2802]

My date text me last night to say he would like to meet again but he needs to see when he is next off work!

[DrFoxtrot]

Sassy sounds like a good date I think letting him do some chasing is a great idea - he's already started by saying you need to see each other again!

Jollyp I've been love bombed several times in the past, most recently in Feb. I tend to get swept away quickly, it's so hard to stay grounded but I find that this thread has helped. It's opened my eyes into men's behaviour and following MH principles has also helped. It's great you've got a third date planned, is this the man that initially you weren't sure if there was a spark or have I made that up?!

[Jollyphonics]

wow handy what a shock. It's quite nice when exes realise you were the best thing ever and they messed up, and it's even nicer if you can say you've genuinely moved on. It must churn you up though I'm sure.

I've had lots of texts from Mr Funny after our second date last weekend, and we had a long chat on the phone last night, which was lovely. I'm seeing him again this weekend. I alternate from feeling blissfully happy that it seems to be going so well, to panicking that he's a love-bomber who will back off in a couple of weeks. I went out with a love-bomber years ago - made me feel like his dream woman for 2 months, then dumped me. I stayed friends with him and then watched him do the same with countless women subsequently - it was clearly his MO, I just hadn't realised. I wish these men we date had to produce references written by exes, that would save a lot of heartache!

[lastnicknamefree]

sassy ooh that makes things interesting! He sounds nice, you know his background and him so no skeletons in the cupboard, and things were easy between you so I'd definitely be keen to see MrFrenchMk2 if he offers...let him don those hunter boots and see if/when he gets back in touch!
handy you are a stronger woman than I! Think you're attitude is correct but I don't know if I'd be able to resist seeing sleeping with him one last time just to see how it was!

Wasn't someone else on a date last night as well as you sassy? Can't remember who but stalking for updates!

[TooSassy]

handy so you're not even remotely tempted to see him again and see if there is anything there??

We didn't say anything after the kiss. I got in my taxi. He texted to make sure I'd gotten home. Thanked me for a wonderful evening and said we need to see one another again. He's French, I will let him do some of the running now. They don't like to be chased