Manufactured illness and no one in family questions it

[EasterHolidayRain]

My MIL has faked one illness or another since my husband and I got married. Starting from our wedding night, 3 hours in. She has had two epileptic seizures, foamy mouth, shaking body, then going to hospital for checkup. Till date, I haven't seen any medical reports confirming or neither my husband has but he doesn't ask for reports either. Her epilepsy has now been cured apparently when questioned why she had no seizures in the two years since our wedding night. She has only had two seizure, one when she was first told about me, the other when we got married. I didn't think of anything when these happened but I now feel this was deliberate. Or may be she could not cope and went into some sort of bodily reaction? I was reading on the internet and found that it never goes away, you can only take medication to control seizures. Also, she claimed that last seizure fixed it, and then later said the doctor has taken her for a fool, she only had mild symptoms but he continue with medication for 2 years unnecessarily. Continued with now she is suffering with side affects of those strong medication and so it goes on.

I think everyone got bored with no new seizures, then moved on to having BP problem. Recently she has been reporting that she can feel like sharp pain in nerves in brain to the extent she feels they might as well burst. She needs attention 24/7 and if you don't massively overreact for her well being, she says one day she will be gone and we will realise what everyone ignored her pleas for help. For someone who has been taking BP pills for more than 2 years, one would think they know their average BP but she plays dumb. Then one day when I pushed for it, she said 130/90, surely that is not someone with critical high BP problem. She is overweight and I thought that goes with the territory. It shouldn't be a surprise. She complains insomnia and a lot other things which do not have physical symptoms.

And there are reported unhappiness in general and feeling of suicide. I had to warn my husband that they can't bend me just and it is a cheap way of trying to get things your way. I will not be bullied. If marrying me has been so worse then he should be the one wanting to commit suicide, not his mother. But I can't help but think how can he just accept and keep passively quiet knowing she is acting out. MIL's family seems frustrated but they all join the circus when these episodes happen rather than confront it. I don't know what to make of it, they obviously say I don't care enough and act aloof.

When she was staying at ours once, she screamed very loudly. We went to check up and she said she was sleeping and don't know what happened. It was a continuous loud scream, not something I thought someone while sleeping will make. She screamed until I got up, woke up my husband and we went to her room and stopped as soon as we entered the room. So we didn't 'see' her screaming. I know I'm being very critical, but think she does this now so she doesn't even have to explain or tell lies in which to get caught. She was rather asking my husband what it could be. But he asked her to go to bed and asked me to not to bring it up next morning. Next morning, we didn't say a thing so she brought it up and said we must be terrified about what happened. Should we say yes we were ferried or say no? My husband avoids and never confronts her. My husband said to her that you are feeling fine now and that is better.

Last time, the neurosurgeon gave a full check and referred her to psychiatrist who has given her some antidepressants and she is miraculously recovered now. In fact, she said all her symptoms went away within first few hours of taking new pill. I'm confused, how could something so serious gets better at the drop of a hat. Even my fever doesn't go down that quick. I'm out of depth why are others so complacent in this? They all run around like headless chickens when it happens.

I don't know if she is used to do this before our marriage. Husband doesn't think what she is doing is outside ordinary so don't know if it is all because of me. Overall I'm very upset as there is a hint that her life has gone downhill since we got married as she feels insecure. She wanted to live with us but tells my husband that I have taken a dislike to her and will force her to go into care rather than have her with us when she is tool old. The way she resents me is so obvious that sure I do not want to care for her. I'm early 30s and the burden is already bringing me down. It would have helped my sanity if someone had the guts to stand up to her and not pretend they sympathise with her medical condition. Husband doesn't have a father, MIL left him when she was heavily pregnant. He feels he owes his life to her. I wonder what family dynamics this is, I'm really struggling to feel like family and show compassion. I guess she is complaining about her health so much so we would take her in to live with us. All relatives have already hinted that it might be for the best. She feels extremely lonely and unhappy.

I haven't really got any advice but wanted to let you know that I have a mil similar that feigns illness. If one of us has a head ache or bad back she has it. If we are coming down with something she says she's getting it to. She relishes going to the Dr & having blood tests or ECG's. She's lonely & miserable & is very attention seeking. Every little thing that happens is such a drama. She whinges about everyone & everything.,

We live in another country now but she still manages to get to us when she speaks to us.

She's treated BiL differentjy to DH & has never liked me. When I told her I was pregnant she told me that I would probably lose it.

Maybe have some counselling on your own so you can have a neutral person to talk to about your feelings about your Mil & DH.

EasterHolidayRain Mon 28-Mar-16 10:39:59

There is so much wisdom in this post.

" I have issues accepting 'woman's role' in my life and I have been running away from it since childhood. These issues are staring right at me to see my response in this situation. I cried last night after a few months. ... They put the onus on me for not explaining myself better, may be if I were to cook food they like and do things that make them more happy, we could come to a bargain. Bargain? In my own home for my own happiness??"

A very important part of life is coming to realise what we are, what the rock bottom in us is, what we absolutely cannot compromise without losing ourselves. It sounds like you have done this. This is what you cannot let go of without EasterHolidayRain being lost.

"Thanks for all who pointed at psychosomatic symptoms - had my eyes wide open. It may be that my presence is triggering her symptoms....

Anyways, if none of the other family members she trusts want to address it, change cannot come from me. And I'm looking over invested."

This is it. She may have a problem, but it is not one you can fix for her. And making you unhappy will not make her any happier. It's like feeding an addiction: it is damaging you and not helping her.

Thank you everyone for being so kind and supportive. Posters who have shared their stories also helped. Onwards and upwards [smiles]

smiley fail!

I remember your last thread. I posted about a lovely friend of mine (Asian) whose MIL is ruining her life and marriage. She is adamant about not divorcing but is so unhappy.

I am glad to read that you are going to take steps to divorce - as awful as that sounds! The reason being is that you won't change your MIL and if your H isn't willing to back you up then you are better to walk away from it. Please don't be like my friend, who has completely lost her spark. It's like she's being buried alive

There's probably something going on with you at a core level about your gender, that you're female.

I don't want to psychoanalyse you though. That's for a professional to approach with infinite sensitivity and unpick with you in a safe space.

I read a novel recently - and, hopelessly, I can't remember the name of it or who it was written by. The central theme was the role of the female in indian society. It was a very shocking book: though it was fiction it was drawn from fact.

Have you read any work by indian feminists?

Hi op. I don't really want to say to much about my situation because it would totally identify me but know that I know exactly what you're going through and it's a right pain in the arse.

In fairness I was always really chilled out about my mil doing this and just let dh deal with it. I was totally able to view it as someone else's problem until she pulled something when I was in hospital after having ds (ds was less than 24 hours old). It was actually fairly mild what she did and if I posted about it here, I'd be told to get a grip. But I'm not sure if becoming a mum has flipped some sort of switch in me but years on I'm still irrationally furious about that one event which in turn makes me look like an uncaring bitch. I completely understand the relentlessness of having to choose between getting drawn into the facade or being the heartless cow that dares to suggest the latest illness is made up. It's so frustrating and even harder now we have kids because I'm trying so hard to protect them from this. I firmly believe that they and not granny should get the majority of mine and dh's emotional energy but it really is an uphill battle.

Sending sympathy and solidarity

I remember your other thread too. I think that unless people understand the cultural aspects it's hard to believe what a nightmare some Indian MILs can be. I wouldn't have believed it myself until I worked closely for many years with an Indian woman who I became good friends with.

Her MIL stayed with them for 6 months out of every year. My friend had 2 sons, and despite being University educated and working full-time, she had to revert to almost 'slave' status for those 6 months. She was so exhausted by the demands of her MIL that she was quite often nodding off at work.

She was expected to get up at 5 am every day to prepare food for the day, many many courses. She was expected to do all housework. Obviously her DH and sons were not allowed (by MIL) to help. If MIL wanted to go out, my friend had to take her. She told me this is all normal, as a PP said it's seen as her 'turn' to have the power over the DIL/be waited on.

She dreaded her MIL coming to stay. The boys had to share a bedroom, their generally 'modern' family reverted to something out of the dark ages, and this was combined with constant criticism by MIL of her cooking/housekeeping/working. She just accepted this as her lot in life, but it doesn't sound like you can, so hard as it is, it is better to walk away.

I have a friend who left her husband with his Mother. She had put up with being a slave for years. As she had came from India to get married, she said it took her a few years to learn English and get her act together.
She told her DH that she was leaving with or without him. She went without him and got a flat with her DCs and made a very successful life for herself.
He soon came skulking back and made his choice.
She is very clever and has built up a super business.
I know others who are under the yolk. It is the norm to live with your MIL but it is so stressful.
Resist all attempts to have a MIL living with you. Even an annexe will be too close.
The best situation is to make her your DHs problem.
Get some counselling, so that you don't feel any guilt. Plus a Mindfulness course so that you can relax.
What is the alternative? If you don't change your hate to indifference it could end your marriage.
Xx I don't envy you. A rock and a hard place!

The irony is that before I got to know my friend, I used to think she was lazy. She was always yawning and struggled to retain instructions. Only once I got to know her did she tell me the nightmare she was living.

I have no experience to share, except a toxic MIL, who has come back into our lives after 18 years of ignoring us (we are 2 women in a civil partnership)
It has made us both ill and unhappy.
So really I just want to send a cwtch and say, live your life for yourself.
You are articulate and self-aware, you have come to this country, now make the most of being in a place where woman are expected to have independent lives.
I am sure there will be feminist groups for people from your culture, if you feel more comfortable with your shared heritage. Though you will meet people who aren't misogynist and who will like you as you are.
Feisty and clever.
I say, leave him and his mother to it and Seize the Day
Good luck.

Trust me I know how Indian MILs can come in different flavours. I have 5 elder sisters and I think I know the average enemy I do have some issues in being looked down for being female and I lash out more harshly than others. I know the standard MIL annoyances but this is different. She is the sweetest poor lady you will meet until she strangles you with love and consume your happiness like no one's business. I just know their dynamic is very dysfunctional. I feel sad that so many women comply, my friends do because they have seen their mothers comply. Guess what even with the irony that we don't have a brother, we were given more chances than an average Indian girl to live our own lives. I sincerely hope, more women can stand and make a change. There is a difference in adjustment and compromise. No one should be compromising in a good relationship. Whether it is between husband and wife or MIL and DIL.

I also know that I'm a bit more sensitive to what is going on around me and pick up on cues more than others. Surviving as the youngest in a large family taught me how to make my way through negotiations, compromises, assertiveness etc. But still my life was very very happy and satisfied until I had the love fever. Some days I really wish I was like others, if I wasn't so switched on these issues, I could have had a family by now like other friends. I will blame Facebook for part of the hurt. They all look so happy form the outside. When I got to do it myself, I felt sick. The more they suppress me, the stronger I become.

I think I was following the standard Asian script - school, college, university, good job, marriage and family. Something happened to me between marriage and family stage, I think they pushed me too far and too soon. I woke up. Here I was living in a country finally free to break free from the notions, no judgement, even life alone was cool. But the marriage and the burden. It was like quick sand. I thought I will be the new queen but I was starting to learn the lesson of loyalty in life. So I'm in this situation, I think the love is lost, there are feelings but no love. Loyalty is up there on my list now.

Regarding my husband, I do feel for him. His uncle and aunty used to live with his grandparents when his mum left her husband and came back to her maternal home. The uncle decided to separate and moved out with his family. as they were not getting along. My husband has this image of uncle as the traitor and literally freezes in his tracks when MIL starts commenting on what happened in the past and how she can see it repeating. He is dead sold that he is not to break the family and her being a single mum and no other sibling makes that resolve even stronger. Which is why his mum absolutely had to live in the house she considered his. He doesn't care if he is miserable all his life.

Well guess what, history has repeated itself. Other than my husband has lost everything and his uncle got out.

There is no judgement being divorced in the UK and I will take my chances. Thank you. I appreciate every one helping out, I'm sick of myself being stuck for so long but I know I will do it.

Quite frankly it was a privilege just to read that, Easter; the insight, intelligence and strength - and yes, the compassion - shine through every word. In an odd kind of way it also makes me feel sad, not for you but for them - even allowing for the cultural aspects, their rejection of a balanced lifestyle in favour of something so dysfunctional which makes nobody happy is hard to admire

I remember you posted that MIL was less than honest before the marriage about what she expected, which is even more unfortunate; I'd like to hope she'll accept her own part in what's happened, but don't really expect it any more than you do

In the end they made a cultural mistake, perhaps compounded by deceit, in expecting an unquestioning repetition of what had gone before. There's a great deal of hope that you'll build a better life; let's hope that they can find a peace within themselves too, even if that means returning to India to find a society they're comfortable with

I work with someone just like this. There's never been any definitive proof that she's lying, which makes you feel like you are going mad, but each illness seems to be carefully orchastrated. I've noticed she will have a new pattern of illness approximately once a year, and it always involves investigations at hospital, followed by speeches of how worried the doctors are about her/how she nearly died. You can see her feeding off of those who believe her, her statements become more dramatic around them. There's always a doctor or a nurse who fought to get her an MRI scan or who was in floods of tears on her recovery. Hmm.

Our old manager had totally sussed her out, but the new one is completely under her spell. It's frustrating to say the least!

All I can suggest is to keep biting your lip and remain unfazed - she's looking for a reaction one way or another - any drama will feed people like this. If it's all an act as you suspect, she WILL out herself at some point. You will just have to hang on in there until that day - show polite interest, but don't give her any dramatic reactions. She'll trip up, I can almost promise it!

My DM has been doing this all her life , it is a form of attention seeking/manipulation technique. Ironically, as she is now in her 90's, she does have health issues but quite frankly my sympathy has all been used up.

For someone who has supposedly been ill for many years she is now the oldest ever member of her family .

It's not normal for families to ask to see a report or for patients to show a report. Your DH can always ask if he wants to read something!

You should stay away from each other. You can just say something like 'you don't get on with each other and so it's best to give each other space'.