Manufactured illness and no one in family questions it

[EasterHolidayRain]

My MIL has faked one illness or another since my husband and I got married. Starting from our wedding night, 3 hours in. She has had two epileptic seizures, foamy mouth, shaking body, then going to hospital for checkup. Till date, I haven't seen any medical reports confirming or neither my husband has but he doesn't ask for reports either. Her epilepsy has now been cured apparently when questioned why she had no seizures in the two years since our wedding night. She has only had two seizure, one when she was first told about me, the other when we got married. I didn't think of anything when these happened but I now feel this was deliberate. Or may be she could not cope and went into some sort of bodily reaction? I was reading on the internet and found that it never goes away, you can only take medication to control seizures. Also, she claimed that last seizure fixed it, and then later said the doctor has taken her for a fool, she only had mild symptoms but he continue with medication for 2 years unnecessarily. Continued with now she is suffering with side affects of those strong medication and so it goes on.

I think everyone got bored with no new seizures, then moved on to having BP problem. Recently she has been reporting that she can feel like sharp pain in nerves in brain to the extent she feels they might as well burst. She needs attention 24/7 and if you don't massively overreact for her well being, she says one day she will be gone and we will realise what everyone ignored her pleas for help. For someone who has been taking BP pills for more than 2 years, one would think they know their average BP but she plays dumb. Then one day when I pushed for it, she said 130/90, surely that is not someone with critical high BP problem. She is overweight and I thought that goes with the territory. It shouldn't be a surprise. She complains insomnia and a lot other things which do not have physical symptoms.

And there are reported unhappiness in general and feeling of suicide. I had to warn my husband that they can't bend me just and it is a cheap way of trying to get things your way. I will not be bullied. If marrying me has been so worse then he should be the one wanting to commit suicide, not his mother. But I can't help but think how can he just accept and keep passively quiet knowing she is acting out. MIL's family seems frustrated but they all join the circus when these episodes happen rather than confront it. I don't know what to make of it, they obviously say I don't care enough and act aloof.

When she was staying at ours once, she screamed very loudly. We went to check up and she said she was sleeping and don't know what happened. It was a continuous loud scream, not something I thought someone while sleeping will make. She screamed until I got up, woke up my husband and we went to her room and stopped as soon as we entered the room. So we didn't 'see' her screaming. I know I'm being very critical, but think she does this now so she doesn't even have to explain or tell lies in which to get caught. She was rather asking my husband what it could be. But he asked her to go to bed and asked me to not to bring it up next morning. Next morning, we didn't say a thing so she brought it up and said we must be terrified about what happened. Should we say yes we were ferried or say no? My husband avoids and never confronts her. My husband said to her that you are feeling fine now and that is better.

Last time, the neurosurgeon gave a full check and referred her to psychiatrist who has given her some antidepressants and she is miraculously recovered now. In fact, she said all her symptoms went away within first few hours of taking new pill. I'm confused, how could something so serious gets better at the drop of a hat. Even my fever doesn't go down that quick. I'm out of depth why are others so complacent in this? They all run around like headless chickens when it happens.

I don't know if she is used to do this before our marriage. Husband doesn't think what she is doing is outside ordinary so don't know if it is all because of me. Overall I'm very upset as there is a hint that her life has gone downhill since we got married as she feels insecure. She wanted to live with us but tells my husband that I have taken a dislike to her and will force her to go into care rather than have her with us when she is tool old. The way she resents me is so obvious that sure I do not want to care for her. I'm early 30s and the burden is already bringing me down. It would have helped my sanity if someone had the guts to stand up to her and not pretend they sympathise with her medical condition. Husband doesn't have a father, MIL left him when she was heavily pregnant. He feels he owes his life to her. I wonder what family dynamics this is, I'm really struggling to feel like family and show compassion. I guess she is complaining about her health so much so we would take her in to live with us. All relatives have already hinted that it might be for the best. She feels extremely lonely and unhappy.

I think this is one of those times where people say "The problem is with your DH." Do you think that might be true?

Do you have children? If not, I'd be looking for a way out of this marriage. You married him, not his mum. I know that sounds harsh, but if the reality of your life is that this woman plays a major part in it, I'd get out asap.

My inlaws are just like this. It took me years to work out their game.

Now, although we have very low contact with them, I just listen to their health woes (many, varied, all requiring being 'blue lighted to hospital) and nod along with the odd 'hmm', 'yes' 'right' and then immediately change the subject after they've finished. They have relatively normal health for their ages (slightly high cholesterol, overweight, ambit of arthritis etc) but they have phoned an ambulance to come to their home 14 times already this year. It's just utter, utter bullshit and I give it as much headspace as it deserves. None.

It took my husband a lot longer than me to cop on to it, but he has now and sees it for what it is.

Hell would freeze over before my MIL would get her feet under my table.

You need to communicate strongly to DH how you feel.

You do not want to live with MIL - she cannot stay with you. If he refuses to accept this then you have a big decision to make.

She will never change, there is nothing you could possibly do that would make a difference.

She has no life of her own and will not rest until living with you. I can only imagine how much worse she would be if you had a child.
Fake heart attack when you went into labour?

OK OP I have a few thoughts and can seriously relate.

1. First DH is a Neurologist and often gets the "fake seuzure" sufferers. These people have psycho-somatic symptoms, in otherwords it's all in their mind. That is why the neurosurgeon sent her to the pyschiatrist and the MRIs are coming up blank. She never had a true seizure disorder, her symptoms were brought on by her son getting married. Another classic aspect is noone ever sees her mysterious reactions. My DH has ways to encourage the fakers to bring on their symptoms and because they know nothing about neurology produce evidence they are faking. He is very patient and understanding and sends them to the psychiatrist.

2. This issue is huge and will likely break your marriage down if not dealt with head on. You need to go to marriage counseling with your DH. If the pair of your cannot talk about the dysfunctional relationship he and his mum have and come to some resolutions then I think your marriage is dead in the water. Please do not have children until this is resolved.

3. DH and his mum are the same without the fake illnesses but other bad behaviour. We love each other and we are likely starting counseling in a week. His mum has no boundaries and is trying to force her way into our marriage and DH doesn't know how to say no. Just like your situation his mum's problems are swept under the carpet by the rest of the family - even though there is a lifelong history of high drama.

Her behavior on your wedding day is outraegeous, she is used to manipulating everyone.

Strange question, whats her background? She sounds like my and many of my friends' mils who are asian

The other thing to start pointing out to DH (and any medical professional who thinks living with you makes her happy) is that is does not.

Although she begs to live with you, once there she carries on creating fake illnesses, complaining of depression, sulking, needing to be with you every second of every day.

So living with you does not cure the problem. In fact you could say it to her 'But last time you continually told us you were miserable, it's so hard isn't it these days when everyone has such busy lives. We don't have the time you need as we have jobs and besides you need professional help'

easter it sound awful. You have my sympathies.

I was going to suggest toxic inlaws but I see someone beat me to it. I read it. and it helped me to realise that it's best not to engage. At all. So now I don't. Ever.

I hope things work out. Keep talking to dh. Keep explaining how it's making you feel.

FrancisdeSales thank you. That is how I feel and no one has witnessed her triggers. We only see the result, not the beginning of episodes.

Wolpertinger
All previous diagnosis and treatment advice is what they told me. The only one I can trust is where my sister got her a referral for a neurosurgeon who gave her a good check and referred to the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist showed her a book with all her symptoms and MIL nodded that is exactly how she feels. The psychiatrist said she will prescribe medicine that will help her. MIL said how all these feelings surface because she is alone and so far away from us. So the psychiatrist agreed that yes she feels alone and it is good to be around loves ones. Don't think that was medical advice but a comment to close the discussion. MIL took her new medicines and in a few hours, she said she was feeling better already. Husband wanted to bury the discussion as soon as she uttered she was feeling better.

Fake heart attack when you went into labour?
This is what I worry because of what happened on our wedding. She will not let me have a meaningful happy moment.

My husband will keep her away for now if I really put my foot down. He has already spent time visiting her rather than bring her over. But he doesn't seem happy that I'm being so cagey or territorial. And I get the feeling he will revert to her if one day she was genuinely ill.

I'm getting my head around divorcing because I don't think I can convince him or discuss without him shutting down immediately. She knows how to pull strings on him. He is often reminded how awful it is for her living alone. Plus even if somehow he managed to keep her out, I can only imagine he will resent me for doing it. He should want to do it for his own relationship. I can't understand why he can't see what is so obvious. Why would he not want to see the reports proactively, assuming it was to be true for a minute? So there are issues with him that are not getting addresses to. I'm very sad and frustrated.

Yes, it is a DH problem but is easier to blame her than him, so I can feel better about my own decision (for the time being).

Hissy, you made me laugh, wish we could leave her at the doctors only

Every one on the outside thinks she is a lonely lady and dh isn't supporting her completely because of his evil wife

I honestly wouldn't be too sure about that. I thought the same about my own ex MIL, with whom I eventually went no contact after too many years of her attention seeking and spite - but it turned out that others had realised exactly what game she was playing and simply not considered it their business to speak out

Unfortunately this won't stop as long as she gets the reaction she wants, and with everyone leaping around her each time she's certainly getting it right now. Sadly it's also true that you have more of a DH problem than a MIL one, and only you can decide whether this is worth putting up with in the end. For now, though, keep posting and I know all of us who've been through similar will support you all we can

It was recently explained to me by a therapist that DH and MIL are seriously codependent. I thought that was just a weird American term and not a real "thing". Well I have done lots of reading and it has helped a lot. You need to get DH to marriage counseling before you make any major decisions. This will not go away but only get worse.

Thanks for all the support. It helps to be able to talk about it. I had a very carefree upbringing and my parents don't expect much from us other than keeping in touch and be happy. On the other hand, I find dh and MIL's relationship suffocating. For MIL, a happy family has people with no personal space.

As for counselling, I think they are so deep into dysfunction that I'm not prepared to be involved in long term. It will a long road and there are too many factors for it to work. It is affecting my health now and need to step out of the drama. My TSH level have shot up in the last 2 years and have a potential thyroid problem and my happiness level has gone lower than it ever has in my life. This is not why I married him. Kind of I feel stupid, sex was so good that my brain was really not functioning. I wanted him very badly and people used to say that it is a good sign when a man treats his mother. I don't think he ever said anything odd to ring alarm bells. We love each other but not to the extent for me to want to live in this dysfunction.

Plus I wanted to have kids and a family etc a few years ago. I do not want a baby with him. I don't trust him to protect boundaries for our marriage. I can still start fresh although I'm not doubting myself if something is wrong with me. I have had one serious relationship before my husband. He left me for another women who was getting married in a few months. He gave up on our relationship for a few months of a new short relationship. If that wasn't enough of a blow, I chose another man, my dh, who thinks putting me on a pedestal ends as we got married. I thought whatever we had before will increase after got married. Whereas he thought that he could relax as we were married.

I don't know what I'm on about these days. Life used to be so simple before I had any romantic relationships. I have wasted my feelings on two men who don't seem to care about me as much over last 16 years. And think I still have not hit rock bottom yet.

Easter I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Are you able to confide in your family and get their support? I don't keep any bad behavior from my inlaws to myself anymore. Share the truth of what is going on with close friends and family so they can support you. Don't isolate yourself or keep it to yourself.

This situation is clearly at a crisis level in your marriage. Don't give up on your dreams of a happy marriage and children but tell your DH (if you haven"t already) that things need to radically change. I don't think you need counseling as a couple to try and cure his dysfunction, but to see if he can put boundaries up around your marriage and put you first. If you don't have the heart for any of that your marriage is really over.

If your marriage is making you this sick and unhappy then you need an exit plan. I am 100% about supporting marriages and not throwing in the towel so make sure DH really hears how serious the situation truly is.

Easter he is effectively married to his mother so I think you are better to quietly step out of the marriage and find someone that understands what marriage actually means. You sound sensible and in touch with your own feelings. Life is too short for this crap and you have given it a fair shake.

She sounds very challenging with serious mental health issues, must be hard for you.

But surely you aren't given epilepsy meds without being shown to have epilepsy.

You could be. Sometimes the fact that the diagnosis isn't really epilepsy only becomes clear later. After all most of the time the doctor doesn't witness the seizure and only has other people's accounts to go on.

Get out for your own sanity and health op else it'll be you with the very real health problems. She's an insecure drama queen guilt tripping you in a bid to assert control. If your h isn't willing to put you first fuck the fuck off. I've been in a similar position to you and after considerable distress and being on the verge of divorce he finally stood up to her which entailed her disowning him yet still reemerging periodically to put the cat among the pigeons. It never really goes away and if I'd known his m was a toxic witch I'd never have got involved. Don't have kids with him whatever you do! Good luck you're gonna need it.

Poor you, you sound so low.

But you are also very perceptive, I think: you can see that your MIL is a deeply insecure person who relies on your DH to bolster her ego. Your DH chooses to play her game rather than to put up boundaries and protect your marriage. Their behaviour is their own choice, regrettable as it is. You can't change either of them.

Your choice lies in whether or not to pursue your marriage. You say "I do not want a baby with him. I don't trust him to protect boundaries for our marriage." This sounds like a dead marriage to me.

Examine your feelings, and your gut instincts: do you want to fight for your marriage? To give your DH one last chance to understand your position and to make some changes, if he is willing? Or do you deep down feel that he is simply not ready or able to break free of his mother's grip?

Your DH gets something very important out of pandering to your MIL. That's something that's very hard to accept, since from the outside it seems so weird that someone would want to be taken advantage of and manipulated - surely they would want to break free, once they can be shown that this is all about control?

But no. Co-dependent people get a deep psychological need of their own met by catering to the domineering people in their lives. It's not healthy for them, of course, but the pull is very, very strong. Co-dependents like to rescue others, and to feel responsible for them.

So telling him that his mother is a witch will get you nowhere. He wants to take care of her manufactured crises, for reasons of his own. He sees it as something he must do. The only angle you can work on is the relationship that you have with him. Not the relationship that he has with her (that relationship suits him).

It would be great if he could examine his co-dependent link to his mother with a psychologist, but that's something that only he can choose to do for his own self, if he sees the need. He might see the need if you tell him you're leaving him because of it.

I have been seriously ill too, but we went to doctors, had tests done, found out what it was and was treated for it.

Lucky you. You do realise this doesn't always happen?

I wonder if a pp is right and that this is a cultural issue. Not minimising it of course! This is very serious. I'm sorry I didn't get that before eg I didn't realise her histrionics totally overshadowed your wedding and following week.

If this is cultural - Or the way she behaves (and your husband behaves) is not unknown in your culture - there must be orgs out there that support people in your position?

I'm not suggesting this doesn't happen in all cultures btw but it may be more pronounced in cultures that heavily promote respect for elders.

I was trying to avoid this question We are from India. I have posted before and some of you may recognise me. I'm sorry I still haven't left. But this is crunch time, have spoken to mortgage broker and all. But I still can't get my head if she really had so many ailments and why is all the circus joining her. I don't know why no one wants to ask for reports -evidence-?

Talking about culture opens up many other issues, society in India is patriarchy followed by matriarchy in home. My position seem to be on the bottom pile of shit. But I wanted to ask if epilepsy and BP and whatever could cause to tell your son that you are feeling so low to want to commit suicide. Threatening to commit suicide is a bit too far for me and taking me back to evaluate whether her medical condition is true or not. My husband was very worried when she spoke about suicidal thoughts and he was trying to make me feel sorry for her and accept her again in our lives. How much worse could it get for her, right?

People in RL say that is how Indian MILs are, some have said be happy at least they are not hitting you and ask for money constantly from your parents. My in-laws don't do that because they can't make me homeless, I'm not living in hers. Then I think if not Indian men as majority of them will be at their mother's feet then what will I do in future. I'm not good at reading non-Indian faces. I can't even tell if someone is really caring or is just being polite.

My husband has recently made changes but I don't think he will stand the test of time. He says all the rights things but doesn't do any of them. I have lost a lot of trust and respect you need to plan for a family with a man. All of this started because of MIL, her illness and her demands. I'm left with questions no one from their family and my husband included seems to want to answer.

On the co-dependent theory, I read a couple of articles this morning. I can see how it fits their actions. But again, just like reading toxic in-laws, I tend to gravitate towards any reason that explains it. I'm bitter, very bitter.

Maybe you both need to move away
If you value your marriage it's worth considering

I was looked at like your mil by people. I no longer speak to them nor do my dc.

You see like you they thought I wasn't really ill because I had unusual symptoms and I suffered medical misdiagnosis.

Their faces when they came to hospital with me and discovered I had a long list of complex rare diseases was one of guilt, shock and self disgust.

Be carfully who you call a fake. The medical profession do not know everything and do make mistakes, some conditions are hard to diagnose and standard tests don't show up the issues.

Even if she is making it up she has a mental illness and deserves as much love as someone with a broken arm or cancer. You don't have to run after her you can have boundaries.