Manufactured illness and no one in family questions it

[EasterHolidayRain]

My MIL has faked one illness or another since my husband and I got married. Starting from our wedding night, 3 hours in. She has had two epileptic seizures, foamy mouth, shaking body, then going to hospital for checkup. Till date, I haven't seen any medical reports confirming or neither my husband has but he doesn't ask for reports either. Her epilepsy has now been cured apparently when questioned why she had no seizures in the two years since our wedding night. She has only had two seizure, one when she was first told about me, the other when we got married. I didn't think of anything when these happened but I now feel this was deliberate. Or may be she could not cope and went into some sort of bodily reaction? I was reading on the internet and found that it never goes away, you can only take medication to control seizures. Also, she claimed that last seizure fixed it, and then later said the doctor has taken her for a fool, she only had mild symptoms but he continue with medication for 2 years unnecessarily. Continued with now she is suffering with side affects of those strong medication and so it goes on.

I think everyone got bored with no new seizures, then moved on to having BP problem. Recently she has been reporting that she can feel like sharp pain in nerves in brain to the extent she feels they might as well burst. She needs attention 24/7 and if you don't massively overreact for her well being, she says one day she will be gone and we will realise what everyone ignored her pleas for help. For someone who has been taking BP pills for more than 2 years, one would think they know their average BP but she plays dumb. Then one day when I pushed for it, she said 130/90, surely that is not someone with critical high BP problem. She is overweight and I thought that goes with the territory. It shouldn't be a surprise. She complains insomnia and a lot other things which do not have physical symptoms.

And there are reported unhappiness in general and feeling of suicide. I had to warn my husband that they can't bend me just and it is a cheap way of trying to get things your way. I will not be bullied. If marrying me has been so worse then he should be the one wanting to commit suicide, not his mother. But I can't help but think how can he just accept and keep passively quiet knowing she is acting out. MIL's family seems frustrated but they all join the circus when these episodes happen rather than confront it. I don't know what to make of it, they obviously say I don't care enough and act aloof.

When she was staying at ours once, she screamed very loudly. We went to check up and she said she was sleeping and don't know what happened. It was a continuous loud scream, not something I thought someone while sleeping will make. She screamed until I got up, woke up my husband and we went to her room and stopped as soon as we entered the room. So we didn't 'see' her screaming. I know I'm being very critical, but think she does this now so she doesn't even have to explain or tell lies in which to get caught. She was rather asking my husband what it could be. But he asked her to go to bed and asked me to not to bring it up next morning. Next morning, we didn't say a thing so she brought it up and said we must be terrified about what happened. Should we say yes we were ferried or say no? My husband avoids and never confronts her. My husband said to her that you are feeling fine now and that is better.

Last time, the neurosurgeon gave a full check and referred her to psychiatrist who has given her some antidepressants and she is miraculously recovered now. In fact, she said all her symptoms went away within first few hours of taking new pill. I'm confused, how could something so serious gets better at the drop of a hat. Even my fever doesn't go down that quick. I'm out of depth why are others so complacent in this? They all run around like headless chickens when it happens.

I don't know if she is used to do this before our marriage. Husband doesn't think what she is doing is outside ordinary so don't know if it is all because of me. Overall I'm very upset as there is a hint that her life has gone downhill since we got married as she feels insecure. She wanted to live with us but tells my husband that I have taken a dislike to her and will force her to go into care rather than have her with us when she is tool old. The way she resents me is so obvious that sure I do not want to care for her. I'm early 30s and the burden is already bringing me down. It would have helped my sanity if someone had the guts to stand up to her and not pretend they sympathise with her medical condition. Husband doesn't have a father, MIL left him when she was heavily pregnant. He feels he owes his life to her. I wonder what family dynamics this is, I'm really struggling to feel like family and show compassion. I guess she is complaining about her health so much so we would take her in to live with us. All relatives have already hinted that it might be for the best. She feels extremely lonely and unhappy.

Speaking as someone who has experienced undiagnosed health problems from two angles (undiagnosed Ehlers Danlos in myself, dm and dd, strong anxiety issues in dm and dd), I would hope there is some kind of middle ground between being an arsehole and being completely unable to admit that the health-related demands of a family member is wearing you down.

Regardless of whether the symptoms are those of a physical disease or not, the MIL has a choice as to how she handles them and what she expects from other people. It is possible to be terrified and in pain and still understand that other people have needs, too.

Atm both my MIL and my DM are being treated for cancer (incurable and v painful in MIL, recently diagnosed in DM). They are not spending their time trying to guilt-trip us.

I don't see pointing out the potential of genetics as insensitive. My grandmother most likely had the same issues as me. My parents look like arseholes, I thought I was doing you a favour pointing out that it's in your interests to not look like one.

Wow you need to step back Vertigo. Your answers seem to be more about your issues than the OPs. You could make your point in a much kinder way.

*Even after dinner and going off to our bedroom, she would want to sit in our bedroom until my husband asks the lights to be turned off ... "

What, you mean she wants to sit inside the bedroom you're actually in? Forgive me, but it's difficult to see what kind of "hard to diagnose illness" could make that necessary - and even harder to understand why she couldn't just be told to leave the room, rather than pandered to yet again

Obviously you know the lady and we don't, but I'm afraid that for me, the timing of these "illnesses" is just a bit too coincidental. In any case, whether it is or isn't you're very unhappy and can surely do better with your life than this

I'm trying to remember - are you the poster who bought another house in order to gain some peace away from all this? Ignore me if not, but if this is right, what are your plans for moving into it?

I agree Cory and that's why I suggested op look at herself her marriage and boundaries.

Wolpertinger Sun 27-Mar-16 14:57:58

"Vertigo it does seem odd that when MIL gets any sort of illness, they always coincide with a happy event in OP's relationship,"

To be fair, both FIL's (perfectly measurable) heart attacks were triggered by the birth of our children. No doubt the stress and excitement.

VertigoNun Sun 27-Mar-16 15:06:53

"I agree Cory and that's why I suggested op look at herself her marriage and boundaries."

The problem with this is that it suggests that the whole burden is on the OP: if only she could work out sensible boundaries then everything in the garden would be rosy. The truth is that the OP and her dh is still going to have to deal with the fallout of the establishment of those boundaries, that this may involve more episodes of illness (psychosomatic or otherwise) on the part of the MIL, and that the dh will be torn both ways because he will never know whether an episode is a sign of something dangerous which he has to deal with or whether it will just stop if he refuses to pander to it. Or whether a threat of suicide is genuine or not. And there may well be a fallout within the wider family.

Not saying this can't be dealt with, but I think it is only fair to recognise that it is going to be hard work.

I'm sorry but sounds to me you love the drama just as much as her! As the saying goes you marry your mother. He now has the both of you battling to be in control. Your way over invested in proving her health problems wrong.

My uncle has epilepsy and has had zero fits in 15 years.

Regardless of whether the symptoms are those of a physical disease or not, the MIL has a choice as to how she handles them and what she expects from other people. It is possible to be terrified and in pain and still understand that other people have needs, too

You write a great deal of sense, Cory

Yes, I'm the same poster who has bought another house. I'm very near to the process of divorcing but as the time is coming closer, I'm panicking that there is no coming back from this.

She wants to sit in our bedroom and she sits near the footboard of the side I sleep on. We have told her to leave politely and she will say she is leaving and leaves in about 2-3 minutes. She doesn't know it is inappropriate and should leave us alone after we have been in the living room for about 3 hours together watching tv? My husband is as usual never bothered and can't see why I am bothered. I can't ask her not to come into bedroom and will be blamed for excluding her further and restricting things she can do in our house. It has happened when I asked her not to spend all her day watching me like a hawk while I work from home from that one room in the house.

At the end of the day, it is DH and my problems I know that. I'm not blaming her entirely but she is responsible partly for our relationship breakdown. We are sorting out the logistics and financial matters and so I have time on my hands sitting alone in my new house without husband, he is alone in his house and MIL is in India alone due to visit in summers, so thought I would post.

I would get on with the divorce then and look to a new life for yourself.

Have you and DH had any kind of marriage counseling OP? If not at the very least you could have better closure by discussing everything with a third party.

I think someone said on your last thread - 'This marriage is a bit crowded'.

Because he has two wives.

There's the problem. yy she's a pain in the backside but he's the one who has the door wide open to her - wide open into your marriage. It's like polygamy. With her at the footboard like Wife #2.

Anyway - perhaps you don't read caucasian faces well because you have limited experience? Granted, eg the british culture is fraught with endless rules and cues - so it's difficult to work out what people mean. Do you live in the uk?

I'm very near to the process of divorcing but as the time is coming closer, I'm panicking that there is no coming back from this

I think that's completely understandable - please don't think for an instant that you have to sound apologetic or justify yourself

It's hard to see, though, what point there is in wasting any more time with a man who sounds very unlikely to ever change. I agree you'd be very unwise to have children with him and don't even want to think what she'd be like with grandchildren in the picture ... so wouldn't it be sensible to move on while you're still young enough to start again?

Oh. I remember your other thread.

I'm so sorry OP but I don't think your husband is capable of seeing this situation for what it is. For his own reasons, he is attached to his warped view where it's OK for his mother to behave like this, and for him to enable her.

It's terribly sad that he is stuck in this dysfunction, but stuck he is.

He wants to stay put. You have to get yourself out.

Are you looking for a reason to give your family and friends for the marriage breakdown?

I agree don't have children with him for the fact you are not happy with the relationship you both created and genetics, your children may inherit
health issues your mil has that you dislike so much

IMO and IME it is virtually irrelevant whether your MIL has any physical illnesses (diagnosed or not diagnosed) or MH/personality disorder issues or both.
The fact is that it is making ALL of you miserable (you cannot tell me that your MIL has a happy life as it is).

You cannot change her, or change your DH.
All you can do is change your response to her behaviour.
Trite, but true. Also, easy to say, very very hard to do, so sympathies from me.

Do seek counselling - on your own or with your DH.

All the illnesses are not the problem, it is the fact that they are being used to control you and her son. And her son is going along with it.
I deal with many people with many, sometimes very serious health problems and there is not doubt that those that do better and have a better quality of life tend to be those with resilient personalities who do not allow their illness to define them. It is crap to be unwell, and many people rely on help - only some make that their whole purpose in life.

Also, this dichotomy in 'physical' and 'mental' illness is really quite a new one (last couple of hundred years or so). It is a rubbish way to look at 'wellbeing' or 'illness'. Most psychosomatic disorders are not in the least 'put on' or 'in your head', they are very distressing and often hard to treat. Treatment assumes that the person is looking to engage in help and sometimes secondary illness gain is such that it is more 'valuable' to continue embracing the sickness role than to challenge it slowly and painfully at every step of the way.

I know that I would be very ill suited to live like you do.
Good luck.

Just did a quick google [manipulative indian MIL] -

madh-mama.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/the-psychology-of-indian-mother-in-law.html

www.quora.com/How-do-I-deal-with-manipulative-tormenting-and-hurtful-in-laws-specifically-mother-in-law-who-insults-me-or-plays-dirty-games-to-malign-me-without-losing-my-peace-of-mind

www.rediff.com/getahead/2006/sep/20inlaw.htm

www.nabanitadhar.in/2013/01/the-curious-case-of-indian-mother-in-law.html#.Vvf0XtUrLC1

dalrock.wordpress.com/2013/03/13/a-wifes-best-defense-against-a-troublesome-mother-in-law/

Etc! Loads on there! NB I haven't read them, except the beginnings.

Aah, are their cultural/generational issues here?
Does she want you to be a traditional Indian DiL, i.e. a domestic worker who follows her commands and has babies??

Unless your H is very very firmly on your side and actively prepared to stand up against those expectations, IME you have NO chance of changing anything.
Unless you are capable of accepting her behaviour and expectations, get out.
And I very rarely say that.

Good grief.
are there - sorry

Predictive, Pacific. Say nothing, everyone assumes it's predictive

Oh. Yes. Of course.
Darn you, Autocorrect!

Thank you Wolper that was what I was trying to say. Don't have your wedding night if MIL has never shown signs of illness before but when she's pulled this stroke many times (including when the son got engaged) it's known as crying wolf. I know it's a risk having your first night together left the dear old soul be drawing her last breath but I would see it as more of the same shit in a same shit pattern. It is up to the MIL to behave herself not for the OP to try and second and third guess and not have a lovely wedding in case it pisses the old bugger off yet again.

Hesitate to say this but - she's already accepted (in the loosest sense of the word) a western slant to your marriage in that she is not insisting she lives with you. perhaps it's a disgrace for her back home that her children don't have her living with them? Loneliness can be crushing regardless where you are in the world - I could do a full scream myself because of loneliness sometimes. However, if it is a disgrace for her to be alone then that ups the stakes considerably.

You're going to get very western marriage advice on here op. Which doesn't necessarily fit your situ.

Yes I'm going to get a divorce, there is no other way forward. I don't know I can't bring discussion of counselling with him, more and more blame is put on me for following western ways with every attempt to resolve the issues. I will start again even if alone. I know what my life was like before marriage and I can do this. I don't feel matured enough to deal with this. It still hurts though. I have no support, she gets off easily by being an Indian MIL. It is so bad for women living in India under PIL's roof that it isn't really that bad for me.

I will probably seek counselling after divorce because if I go now, I'll give them another stick to beat me.