Manufactured illness and no one in family questions it

[EasterHolidayRain]

My MIL has faked one illness or another since my husband and I got married. Starting from our wedding night, 3 hours in. She has had two epileptic seizures, foamy mouth, shaking body, then going to hospital for checkup. Till date, I haven't seen any medical reports confirming or neither my husband has but he doesn't ask for reports either. Her epilepsy has now been cured apparently when questioned why she had no seizures in the two years since our wedding night. She has only had two seizure, one when she was first told about me, the other when we got married. I didn't think of anything when these happened but I now feel this was deliberate. Or may be she could not cope and went into some sort of bodily reaction? I was reading on the internet and found that it never goes away, you can only take medication to control seizures. Also, she claimed that last seizure fixed it, and then later said the doctor has taken her for a fool, she only had mild symptoms but he continue with medication for 2 years unnecessarily. Continued with now she is suffering with side affects of those strong medication and so it goes on.

I think everyone got bored with no new seizures, then moved on to having BP problem. Recently she has been reporting that she can feel like sharp pain in nerves in brain to the extent she feels they might as well burst. She needs attention 24/7 and if you don't massively overreact for her well being, she says one day she will be gone and we will realise what everyone ignored her pleas for help. For someone who has been taking BP pills for more than 2 years, one would think they know their average BP but she plays dumb. Then one day when I pushed for it, she said 130/90, surely that is not someone with critical high BP problem. She is overweight and I thought that goes with the territory. It shouldn't be a surprise. She complains insomnia and a lot other things which do not have physical symptoms.

And there are reported unhappiness in general and feeling of suicide. I had to warn my husband that they can't bend me just and it is a cheap way of trying to get things your way. I will not be bullied. If marrying me has been so worse then he should be the one wanting to commit suicide, not his mother. But I can't help but think how can he just accept and keep passively quiet knowing she is acting out. MIL's family seems frustrated but they all join the circus when these episodes happen rather than confront it. I don't know what to make of it, they obviously say I don't care enough and act aloof.

When she was staying at ours once, she screamed very loudly. We went to check up and she said she was sleeping and don't know what happened. It was a continuous loud scream, not something I thought someone while sleeping will make. She screamed until I got up, woke up my husband and we went to her room and stopped as soon as we entered the room. So we didn't 'see' her screaming. I know I'm being very critical, but think she does this now so she doesn't even have to explain or tell lies in which to get caught. She was rather asking my husband what it could be. But he asked her to go to bed and asked me to not to bring it up next morning. Next morning, we didn't say a thing so she brought it up and said we must be terrified about what happened. Should we say yes we were ferried or say no? My husband avoids and never confronts her. My husband said to her that you are feeling fine now and that is better.

Last time, the neurosurgeon gave a full check and referred her to psychiatrist who has given her some antidepressants and she is miraculously recovered now. In fact, she said all her symptoms went away within first few hours of taking new pill. I'm confused, how could something so serious gets better at the drop of a hat. Even my fever doesn't go down that quick. I'm out of depth why are others so complacent in this? They all run around like headless chickens when it happens.

I don't know if she is used to do this before our marriage. Husband doesn't think what she is doing is outside ordinary so don't know if it is all because of me. Overall I'm very upset as there is a hint that her life has gone downhill since we got married as she feels insecure. She wanted to live with us but tells my husband that I have taken a dislike to her and will force her to go into care rather than have her with us when she is tool old. The way she resents me is so obvious that sure I do not want to care for her. I'm early 30s and the burden is already bringing me down. It would have helped my sanity if someone had the guts to stand up to her and not pretend they sympathise with her medical condition. Husband doesn't have a father, MIL left him when she was heavily pregnant. He feels he owes his life to her. I wonder what family dynamics this is, I'm really struggling to feel like family and show compassion. I guess she is complaining about her health so much so we would take her in to live with us. All relatives have already hinted that it might be for the best. She feels extremely lonely and unhappy.

I think you need to (physically) move at least several countries hours away from MIL to a house that is too small for her to stay in.

Whether or not your DH comes with you will be up to him, it dies unfortunately seem that you will have to make him choose between you.

Firstly, many patients with epilepsy have normal MRI scans, and may have normal EEG traces in between episodes. Her seizure was obviously convincing enough that a neurologist put her on medication. Your story made me think of psychogenic seizures, which are seizure like events triggered by stress rather than by electrical discharges in the brain. They are often misdiagnosed as epilepsy. Critically the patient is not consciously faking, they have a psychiatric condition. The same condition can also cause many other physical symptoms.link
The separate issue is to what extent you all dance attendance on her. Your DH needs to work on establishing some boundaries that put your marriage first. If he is only child of a demanding single mother he might find that extremely difficult or impossible. It sounds like you can't live with three of you in the marriage with MIL getting top billing, you need to make it clear to him that either he establishes some very firm ground rules or you will walk away.

It is possible that this is cultural/narcissistic/deliberately manipulative.

It is also possible that there are genuine mental health issues here.

It may be that what you have is a kind of combination of the two: that genuine mental health issues (e.g. severe anxiety) take different outlets depending on what is culturally acceptable. This may not necessarily be a conscious choice.

My dd, who suffers from chronic anxiety, went through an episode of vomiting up her food after every meal. It was clear that there was no physical cause, but otoh she wasn't doing it deliberately either: it was just a way her body dealt with those intense feelings. She had some therapy for it, and then started having breathing attacks instead.

But this does not mean that all dd's physical symptoms were caused by her anxiety: she also has a quite genuine physical condition which also causes rather unpleasant symptoms. Sometimes it is absolutely impossible to unravel what is physical and what is anxiety-induced. In fact, we gave up trying many years ago.

We have concentrated on helping her to manage her symptoms whatever their cause, on managing her anxiety and on surviving as a family.

The difference for us, though is a) that she is our child so we don't have much choice b) that she is a very lovely person so any resentment is towards her illness rather than towards her.

You have the choice to walk away and would be perfectly within your right to do so. But if you do stay, you will need to think carefully about your own wellbeing and that of your marriage. You will need to work out a plan that covers both your own needs and your husband's need to feel he is doing the best thing for both his loved ones. You will need to be able to speak about your MIL's behaviour as if it was something regrettable but not to be taken too seriously, something the poor old thing probably can't help but it would be doing her a disservice to pander to, something where you have to do the right thing to help her.

Note, I did not mean that dd's mental health problems are as genuine as her physical condition: they are both genuine; one is just more measurable than the other.

Many HCP'S are ignorant to many conditions on this linked list. Some can be misdiagnosed as epilepsy and involve unusual and unstable blood pressure levels.

www.stars.org.uk/patient-info/conditions

If you go around telling people others are making up illness when they are not and encouraging a witch hunt on an ill person, what does that make you?

Hang on a minute, nun. Op is under severe stress and it very much looks like her MIL is being extremely manipulative - for whatever reason.

Op i'd still say look out orgs that address and support you in this. As you say, it is far from unusual so there will be support out there from people with sound knowledge and training in the complexities of it.

VertigoNun
I feel out of depth in her presence. She went into some downward spiral as soon as dh and I got together. This is hurting me more than rest of her family. She drowns us in her anxiety and depression when she is with us. I honestly tried to relate to her and be understanding but I could not, after a while I felt being taken advantage of. I know she cannot help herself which is why we feel we are in a deadlock. I don't even like calling it mental illness. But where do I stand when it is affecting our marriage?

We already live miles away, live in the UK and she is in India. It only takes one phone call for her relatives for my husband to take the next flight back home and bring her back to our house, yet again with a new type of misdiagnosis and half treatment. We have not had one holiday since we got married because she has such episodes twice an year, consuming all his annual leave.

Feels like husband sharing, she demands more than equal attention than he gives me. She is too demanding on our time and space that I don't trust my husband will completely fulfil the role a father has to play because he will be too busy catering to his mum. Even after dinner and going off to our bedroom, she would want to sit in our bedroom until my husband asks the lights to be turned off as there is not one more moment he can stay up. I'm at loss and have no control in this relationship, I don't want to witch hunt but no one else seems to want to deal with it.

How about she showed some compassion to the woman who loves her son and wanted to be with him and let them have some sort of relationship without feeling guilty that we need to build our relationship behind close doors to avoid her sulking?

One of the greatest reliefs about CAHMS therapy for us was that they took away the false dichotomy between:

genuine conditions: physical, easily measurable through tests, will be recognised by a doctor, patient deserves support in every way

and

psychosomatic disorders: can't be measured, fake, manipulative, symptoms aren't "real", patient should not be pandered to in any way

dd doesn't get away with treating us like crap when her physical condition flares up

but I don't feel resentful of her when her MH issues set in either

I saw a neurologist who knew I was on a waiting list for something on the list I linked, he had no clue about the condition and was supposed to be a specialist. You would be very surprised how little so called HCP'S actually know. They can remain ignorant because legally if a condition is considered rare they can't be sued so there is no stick to encourage them to learn anything new their peers publish. It's called practice ticking lazy medicine. It's also called misogyny in some cases.

cross-post

OP, I very much understand your concern that your dh will not be able to fulfil his responsibilities as a husband and father: this is something you will have to discuss very seriously and come up with a plan - or leave him.

If you stay, it will probably help if you do accept that your MIL has some kind of mental illness and try to distance yourself from it a bit.

You are blaming some one else for your marriage and personal problems. You and your DH need to work on personal boundaries and stop being unkind to an ill woman.

But it matters not one jot whether the MIL is genuinely ill or only faking it, the OP;'s problems are very genuine. On their wedding day there were others that could have stepped in to deal with the MIL going to hospital and ...you know, actually allow them that one magical night but ....no. The DH had to do it so his boundaries are seriously fucked and all the rest of the crap stems from that he shows no signs of changing any day soon. OP feels how she feels, There are no right or wrong feelings.
The OP is bright enough to realise that none of the symptoms make sense or match anything. The MIL would be happy to tell anyone that would listen the name of the illness or syndrome that she is actually suffering from but it sounds like she has been diagnosed with sweet FA physical which is why she is being referred to the Psych.

I actually agree with milo and nun. I have an illness which took years to diagnose. Even now they aren't completely sure.

Your relationship with your MIL isn't good. You don't like her and vise versa.

You haven't seen medical records as you say, so how do you know?

You are at a cross roads in your marriage and you need to either put boundaries in place or prepare to leave.

On their wedding day there were others that could have stepped in to deal with the MIL going to hospital and ...you know, actually allow them that one magical night

My FIL had a heartattack on our wedding day. I actually sent my DH to the hospital. I wouldn't want one 'magical night' knowing that my DH DF could be dying!

I never said that we should have enjoyed our magical night instead. I didn't think any of it when it happened. To be honest, her illness is not the problem. It is how every one reacts to it is what I don't understand. Which is why I posted in the first place. They act as if this is her last day on earth every time?

OK, I should not have said manufactured illness but because it's on set was start of our relationship, it does feel manipulative to me with no medical evidence.

It's true you just don't know about her medical conditions. The only thing I would say in your favour is when someone has something genuinely wrong with them they tend not to shout about it and just get on with life the best they can but I suppose it depends on the person and their stage in life.

That seems a little harsh, Vertigo; whatever the MIL's MH issues, she also seems like a demanding and inconsiderate woman, and that is still going to make life difficult for the OP even if her dh does step up to the mark. Constantly having to maintain boundaries is hard work.

And being ill is not a get-out-card when it comes to kindness and consideration for others. Even MH sufferers come in different shades: within the limits of their particular illness, some are nicer than others.

Also OP I thought of another thing that may not have Ben considered. I read of the short lifespans of those on the autistic spectrum last week. Epilepsy is a comorbidity of autism. People on the autistic spectrum can have poor social skills which leads to relationship issues, they also struggle to communicate health symptoms to poorly trained HCP'S in autism. Again misogyny rears it's head as women are less likely to receive an ASD dx again poor training and understanding of the condition by HCP'S in general and especially in women.

You could potentially look like a real arsehole in the future, especially your child inherits grandma's health issues.

Do read "It's All In Your Head" by Dr. Suzanne O'Sullivan, then make your husband read it.

She's a prominent neurologist dealing with psychosomatization. It will open your eyes - it's an iBooks/Amazon etc.

Backtoblackcoffee Sun 27-Mar-16 14:44:58

"It's true you just don't know about her medical conditions. The only thing I would say in your favour is when someone has something genuinely wrong with them they tend not to shout about it and just get on with life the best they can grin but I suppose it depends on the person and their stage in life"

This is not always possible with Mental Health problems, but they are still genuine.

You could potentially look like a real arsehole in the future, especially your child inherits grandma's health issues.

Vertigo, I'm trying to be respectful to you but you are increasingly rude on each post.

Did you read the full post? I am spending my time and sharing knowledge in offering you alternative ideas as to what potentially could be going on here. Or do you only want to hear mil is a bitch poor you answers?

I will read the links and information. Do you think I'm leaving my marriage because I want a resounding mil is bitch? Why take personal digs? I'm accepted your version of events, didn't contest it. Could you not show similar concern if you are posting to help me out here. I wanted marriage, family and children. I can't have those because of these issues. For you to say my child will inherit grandma's health issues is very insensitive.

Vertigo it does seem odd that when MIL gets any sort of illness, they always coincide with a happy event in OP's relationship, and the only person that can nurse her out of her whole family, and in fact the whole of India, is her son who lives in another continent.

OP, you can have a go at marriage counselling if you think your DH is worth it the rest of the time or you can cut your losses and move on.

Op I am one person on the autistic spectrum, it is comorbid to my other dx conditions, this is how I communicate. I see a family struggling and am offering ideas looking for a practical solution. It depends on why you posted did you want a solution or to have a hand hold and be backed up everyone out with pitchforksin your dislike of your mil?