Manufactured illness and no one in family questions it

[EasterHolidayRain]

My MIL has faked one illness or another since my husband and I got married. Starting from our wedding night, 3 hours in. She has had two epileptic seizures, foamy mouth, shaking body, then going to hospital for checkup. Till date, I haven't seen any medical reports confirming or neither my husband has but he doesn't ask for reports either. Her epilepsy has now been cured apparently when questioned why she had no seizures in the two years since our wedding night. She has only had two seizure, one when she was first told about me, the other when we got married. I didn't think of anything when these happened but I now feel this was deliberate. Or may be she could not cope and went into some sort of bodily reaction? I was reading on the internet and found that it never goes away, you can only take medication to control seizures. Also, she claimed that last seizure fixed it, and then later said the doctor has taken her for a fool, she only had mild symptoms but he continue with medication for 2 years unnecessarily. Continued with now she is suffering with side affects of those strong medication and so it goes on.

I think everyone got bored with no new seizures, then moved on to having BP problem. Recently she has been reporting that she can feel like sharp pain in nerves in brain to the extent she feels they might as well burst. She needs attention 24/7 and if you don't massively overreact for her well being, she says one day she will be gone and we will realise what everyone ignored her pleas for help. For someone who has been taking BP pills for more than 2 years, one would think they know their average BP but she plays dumb. Then one day when I pushed for it, she said 130/90, surely that is not someone with critical high BP problem. She is overweight and I thought that goes with the territory. It shouldn't be a surprise. She complains insomnia and a lot other things which do not have physical symptoms.

And there are reported unhappiness in general and feeling of suicide. I had to warn my husband that they can't bend me just and it is a cheap way of trying to get things your way. I will not be bullied. If marrying me has been so worse then he should be the one wanting to commit suicide, not his mother. But I can't help but think how can he just accept and keep passively quiet knowing she is acting out. MIL's family seems frustrated but they all join the circus when these episodes happen rather than confront it. I don't know what to make of it, they obviously say I don't care enough and act aloof.

When she was staying at ours once, she screamed very loudly. We went to check up and she said she was sleeping and don't know what happened. It was a continuous loud scream, not something I thought someone while sleeping will make. She screamed until I got up, woke up my husband and we went to her room and stopped as soon as we entered the room. So we didn't 'see' her screaming. I know I'm being very critical, but think she does this now so she doesn't even have to explain or tell lies in which to get caught. She was rather asking my husband what it could be. But he asked her to go to bed and asked me to not to bring it up next morning. Next morning, we didn't say a thing so she brought it up and said we must be terrified about what happened. Should we say yes we were ferried or say no? My husband avoids and never confronts her. My husband said to her that you are feeling fine now and that is better.

Last time, the neurosurgeon gave a full check and referred her to psychiatrist who has given her some antidepressants and she is miraculously recovered now. In fact, she said all her symptoms went away within first few hours of taking new pill. I'm confused, how could something so serious gets better at the drop of a hat. Even my fever doesn't go down that quick. I'm out of depth why are others so complacent in this? They all run around like headless chickens when it happens.

I don't know if she is used to do this before our marriage. Husband doesn't think what she is doing is outside ordinary so don't know if it is all because of me. Overall I'm very upset as there is a hint that her life has gone downhill since we got married as she feels insecure. She wanted to live with us but tells my husband that I have taken a dislike to her and will force her to go into care rather than have her with us when she is tool old. The way she resents me is so obvious that sure I do not want to care for her. I'm early 30s and the burden is already bringing me down. It would have helped my sanity if someone had the guts to stand up to her and not pretend they sympathise with her medical condition. Husband doesn't have a father, MIL left him when she was heavily pregnant. He feels he owes his life to her. I wonder what family dynamics this is, I'm really struggling to feel like family and show compassion. I guess she is complaining about her health so much so we would take her in to live with us. All relatives have already hinted that it might be for the best. She feels extremely lonely and unhappy.

if I understand the situation correctly, the cultural situation probably is more important than anything else. By some distance.

She drowns us in her anxiety and depression when she is with us

i can relate to that......and to some of her behaviour. i think there is a big cultural element to it as well as maybe undiagnosed mental health issues.

i'm asian also and i've come across a lot of women like this - it's usually the older generation and more common from those who live in abroad. in my case it's Kashmir.

in my personal opinion, from what i've seen i think a lot of it is either attention seeking or just a habit they've fallen into. when i went to kashmir and saw how they actually lived compared to how i thought they lived, i could see why they act like that. they calm down a lot once they're over here - whether that's because their agenda is complete or because they get more freedom to connect with the outer world and therefore are occupied with something else.

i feel your husband is not going to change. the fact that he can't even tell her to stay/leave the bedroom says a lot. his mother is one very thick skinned woman, she knows what position she's putting him in but she doesn't care - she wants to keep the power she had when he was 'hers'.

if you have dc with him she will get worse. she will want to be live in your house and she will get her way, your husband will see nothing wrong with grandma wanting to see her grandkids growing up - afterall she might die anyday/her health is so bad/life is short etc etc

i think you should just look out for yourself now and get away from this madness. without your partners support this kind of thing will never improve.

No, I know about the cultural problems in our marriage. So have accepted defeat on that. But how is rest of her family so ignorant about medical condition, that is not a cultural problem.

What age are you, Easter?
Were you born and raised in the UK?

I have seen young intelligent, university educated women of Asian descent almost destroyed by the expectations of 'traditional PIL.
I think it must be near impossible to deal with this if you have known something different and more freedom. Now freedom can be scary and a very restricted life can feel v secure, you have a choice to make here.

lest not left

Actually, I just read one of my links. Which made my western hair stand on end tbf... But she makes some shocking good points and ends with:

Patriarchy or matriarchy: take your pick.

I could have (almost) written your post, as I am in a similar situation with my own MIL. She defines herself as having 'medical needs' with a list as long as your arm, is in a wheelchair fulltime, but if anyone with an ounce of medical knowledge probes into her conditions you'll see that nothing that is wrong with her actually requires her to be in a wheelchair. She is at the GP or hospital on a weekly basis. Her family never seem to bother to find out exactly what is wrong with her, they just go along with it. We caught her coming down the stairs once after a surprise visit to see her, but no one but me even questioned that.

She is particularly fixated with, and emotionally dependent on my OH who is her eldest child, although she has 2 other adult sons who live with her. She expects him to do everything for her, even though he lives 45 mins to an hour away. Even though he has other responsibilities (children and a full time job), and her other sons don't and just sit at home and sponge off of her.

We recently bought a new car, and her first response was to bitch and complain to my OH behind my back, that he hadn't told her about it first, and that it wasn't of any use to her as she believed she couldn't fit inside it - wheelchair and all (she can). She actually has her own Motability car that one of her other son's drives, but as per, she expects my OH to do all of her donkey work. She is jealous of me and her other son's girlfriends and will resort to feigning illness to attract attention when she feels she isn't receiving enough from them.

There is no way in life I'd ever let her live with me. I have spoken to my OH on multiple occasions to warn him that if he doesn't distance himself from her and put our family first, our relationship would be over. I even left him for a few weeks because I had been driven around the bend by it.

I really sympathise OP, and hope you can find a way to make your OH see that she will destroy your relationship if he doesn't keep her at arms length.

I was born and raised in India. But lived in UK alone for a few years before getting married. I was prepared for a little tough time adjusting and to make life more difficult, I thought nothing could come between us. We are from different religion and backgrounds and different language. We all do speak the same language. That is whole another thread in its own as she wants me to communicate in their local language and do their religious routines. Although she claimed to my parents she is great friends from our religion and had no issues, there will be no differences. I was blind sided by love and didn't know what I was getting into.

I have made a fool of myself by thinking we were educated enough not to let these things come between us. Her disapproval of me has left me with low self esteem. On top, she gets sympathy and more points because she is single mother (no easy task in India) to an only son. I have no chance to stand my ground.

She has a standard pattern when she is ill, every Tuesday and Friday as my husband works from home on Wednesdays and weekends he is off. But dare I say.

Actually, (another actually), I don't think you have accepted the cultural aspect to this. Because from here it is clear this is all about the culture you live in/married into at its absolute root.

You posted on a western site for advice and you were reluctant to acknowledge the cultural aspect of what is going on in your marriage. But this is all about culture. I'm not saying you were being devious but I do think what is going on here is this culture neat. Undiluted. Your in-laws will see you are making this worse by not accepting their culture/your MIL's manipulations as they do. She is trying to get centre stage - which, in her culture, is expected. Your husband has given her centre-stage lite - and probably thinks he's making great concessions by not having her at the very core. To a western mindset all of what he and his family expects is incomprehensible - but to an indian mindset it isn't at all.

What was your experience growing up? Did you grow up in this culture?

If I was you I would say to friends and family that the differences in your backgrounds caused the marriage to fail. It's also true in the UK, for example look at Professor Green a working class rapper and his upper class trust fund ex wife.

Once you have a reason to give people you can get on with building a new life.

oops x-post. Worded clumsily, too. Sincere apologies, too.

I'm not getting at you, really I'm not. Culture goes deeeeep. We can't ignore it.

Sincere apologies, op

You don't need to get into gossipy character assassination in order to justify a divorce. I would blame different backgrounds in your case and move on.

You give three examples of unreasonable behaviour of your spouse and sign the divorce petition.

I married into a different culture. I had no idea I had a culture until aspects of it were insulted (I felt). I found out how deep culture goes, both ways.

Sorry to say that marriage didn't last, largely due to cultural differences.

No, it's okay springydaffs. I appreciate to able to just talking about it and every one taking time to reply. Vertigo, I'm not looking for reasons to divorce. I'm just trying to understand it.

My experience growing up is a mixed bag of feelings. I'm sixth daughter to my parents who wanted a son. I felt ashamed if anyone to ask how many brothers and sisters are we. I used to lie if I knew I'm never going to meet them again or them knowing about it. Or admit that we were 6 sisters. It still hurts like hell. But my parents never compromised me especially and gave us everything we needed/wanted within their means. My eldest sister had to compromise a lot so we all could get an even split. Although my eldest sister is always more vocal how she has taken care of me (11 years elder to me) rather than my mum who was so depressed. I have lived with this and was more boy-ish in what I did than girly things..playing cricket etc. I don't remember being at home much as it was too busy, crowded and no personal space. I had decided to make something good in my life and I have made my parents proud I think. But after marriage, MIL and husband has been pressing all my insecurities about being inferior because of my gender.

I can't get support on Indian forums, parents right trump any other rights. Even my family initially said MILs can be horrible but you can't let that break your marriage. I did all the housework to please her, I took MIL places where I had never arranged to take my own mum. Trying to say, I went out of my way to form a happy family unit. But she was asking me to morph into a completely different person and plus she seemed jealous of any good time my husband and I spent. Whatever I did, it was never enough. She came down on me too strict. Later on MIL took early voluntary retirement, since then she wants to live with us. First time she wanted me to be the slave by telling me how to live, and then when she realised she couldn't be the dictator, she turned into this dying martyr striving for some love. But because she was ill, she was to do no housework again. Now this is my version, I don't know the reality.

When I first posted this being an Indian thing, everyone told me this was not a cultural thing. So I have been trying to separate different issues and get some opinion. I don't feel that undying love for parents, I love mine but don't feel obligated to them like my husband does. Neither do my parents make me feel bad. But they are a couple, my MIL wins in that corner too. So I have double the trouble to feel obligated to MIL who at the same time looks down on me.

I remember your post a while back OP and have found myself thinking of you (mainly when I'm looking for a house!)

I sincerely hope that you believe you are worth more than being the third wheel in your husbands marriage to his mother and take steps to preserve your sense of self. Remember, your relationship with other people may be fleeting but you're with yourself forever. See someone about how your being 6 of 6 has affected you and your sense of self.

Trust yourself. The breakdown of a marriage is devastating but better now then in a few years.

I knew you were Indian ... Yes, I've seen educated, intelligent friends destroyed by this. You will not change her. Women get trampled on so much that the only chance of power they have is when a son marries- then the next generation (dil) is bottom of the heap. I wonder how long this will take to die out?

In an ideal world you'd be able to assert yourself, get you and dh to counselling and put boundaries in place. You can try to do that. But I don't think your chances are good.

You poor thing. Whether her illness is physical, mental or a mix of the two is irrelevant- it's a toxic blend of culture and personality and you are on the losing end. I really feel for you.

What would I do? Well, I'd arrange a joint counselling session for us both. I'd tell dh that he needs to adjust his relationship with his mother. And sadly I'd prepare to leave.

In spite of the awful position you find yourself in, I think you show a rare strength and insight, OP - it can't be easy to face up so honestly to the effect of your family situation, especially when you're expected to put up and shut up

It seems clear that, with the very best of intentions, you married into a family who expect something which you'll never be; the old tradition of almost literally owning another person just doesn't work any more for many modern wives, and it's hard to see how you could ever be happy in forcing yourself to do the impossible. Ironically, even that may be held against you, with remarks made about you caring too much about yourself and not enough about "duty"

Perhaps it's time to just accept there's no hope of this ever really working? Perhaps one day your DH will return to his mother's home in India and find a partner who's willing to be little more than a slave? Hopefully, though, you will be able to put all this behind you, using all that wisdom and insight to move on to a much happier life

Thank you. I was getting emotional alone on a long weekend, you all have been great. I will leave the medical health detective work alone.

Once I get my finances sorted, I'll start divorce proceedings.

I'm sorry life has been so painful for you. You must have felt this was your chance at happiness and now it's in ruins. I'm so sorry

I agree you could get some therapy for, especially, being 6 of 6. Start at the beginning sort of thing. I don't know if it would help to find a therapist who understands your culture from the inside? Whatever suits you - I personally look for therapists who understand the nuances of what I've experienced but you may want someone who is coming at it fresh.

Thinking of you op.

your dh and you have to stop this plan to move her into your home. How can you get him on board?

I agree the issues are deeper than I want to admit. You tapped into something springydaffs. I have issues accepting 'woman's role' in my life and I have been running away from it since childhood. These issues are staring right at me to see my response in this situation. I cried last night after a few months. I come here for support may be as I feel Indians don't relate to my problems as problematic as it is so common. They put the onus on me for not explaining myself better, may be if I were to cook food they like and do things that make them more happy, we could come to a bargain. Bargain? In my own home for my own happiness??

Thanks for all who pointed at psychosomatic symptoms - had my eyes wide open. It may be that my presence is triggering her symptoms.

Anyways, if none of the other family members she trusts want to address it, change cannot come from me. And I'm looking over invested.

I have learned a lot about myself from this marriage and I need to start again and find someone else more suitable.

may be if I were to cook food they like and do things that make them more happy, we could come to a bargain.

Well maybe, but this is the same argument as 'if you didn't nag he wouldn't hit you' ... Or 'if you had let him do X to you sexually he wouldn't need to have an affair.' It puts all the blame on the woman and paints men as having no choices. It's misogyny. And it never stops. So you cook something nice but now your house is t perfect, or you raise the kids wrongly, or you're not biddable enough in bed. It'll never be enough.

You come across as being a really nice person - insightful and considerate. I hope you find happiness and freedom. You deserve someone who treats you like an equal partner in a relationship.

Good luck.

I think you need to draw a line under this and move on, you have done your best and deserve to be happy. Stop wasting your energy on something that can't be resolved and put it into making a new life for yourself. Maybe have some counselling and spend some time alone making sure you understand what you want and what will make you happy.

Medical and cultural issues aside even the fact that she sits in your bedroom at night for me would be reason enough to end the marriage. Not that you need a reason being unhappy is reason enough.

Start looking to the future, you deserve happiness, good luck with your new life.