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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The ignoring....gaaaa

1001 replies

jellybean2000 · 25/03/2016 19:24

That is all.
Yes, I'm divorcing him.
He will continue to stoop to whatever method he can to control, upset and anger me.
Delay, delay, delay.

I've been here for a while but NC a while ago.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Iamdobby63 · 07/09/2016 08:28

I think the courts assume that people don't stall when they are the one waiting to be given money. It's a joke really. From the courts PoV you both agreed to divorce and you agreed a settlement, they haven't factored in your ex wanting to punish you for as long as possible.

There are lots of things you could do to make life uncomfortable for him but that would involve his reactions.

I'm hopeful he will sign this week.

Why are you awake so early? Probably a stupid question.

FV45 · 07/09/2016 09:12

Woke at 4am. Am full of anxiety.

LisaMed1 · 07/09/2016 09:40

I've no advice but sending hugs

FV45 · 07/09/2016 10:12

I can't do it anymore.

Just been calling around to see what support I can get for residency issues. None it seems.
We either sort it out ourselves (ha ha), go through mediation (ha ha) or Court. I don't have the money for that any more. I earn too much for legal aid, though in cases of DV I might get support. I am not in immediate danger though and the fact I withdrew from the non-mol hearing will not go in my favour now.

I feel very alone.

TheMshipIsBack · 07/09/2016 10:13

Flowers hang in there.

TheMshipIsBack · 07/09/2016 10:14

X posted

Is there no chance of a loan?

FV45 · 07/09/2016 10:24

From who? I have already borrowed from a friend and a family member.

TheMshipIsBack · 07/09/2016 11:49

Ouch. It must feel like you're stuck. Court orders like that should really mean you can kick the bastard out with police backing if he doesn't sign by the deadline. I hope things feel better for you soon.

Iamdobby63 · 07/09/2016 11:56

I know it's easier said than done but try not to worry. It is in his interests to be willing to sort out access. Don't worry if it's not sorted until he moves out, see how he behaves after and work from there.

It doesn't make it any easier but I do think there is a good chance he is acting out because of loss, loss of control, loss of home, loss of family. And no I don't feel sorry for him but perhaps he needs to move on in one area and in time he will realise that he hasn't lost it all, he will have his own home and he will still see the boys. Perhaps he is also realising that 50-50 is not going to work as he won't manage.

None of that helps of course but just worry about him signing and him getting out first.

Try not to worry over things that have not happened yet. It is more than likely if court is involved it will be him taking you, because if he isn't reasonable then he won't see much of the boys, and he will have to take action - which we know he is unlikely to do because that involves him actually doing something.

Iamdobby63 · 07/09/2016 11:57

Sorry meant to read, after he moves out.

LouiseHumphreys81 · 07/09/2016 18:00

Fv45 I am new to mumsnet and have just read your whole post. Have no real advice but I wanted to say from what I have read you are a brilliant mum to your children and although you might not feel like it, you are so so strong. I can't offer much other than virtual hugs and to say your stbxh is a total twat. I am standing with you in this x

Memoires · 07/09/2016 18:02

Thinking of you, love Flowers Here's a hand to hold. Do you have something you can use as a kind of comfort object? Something you can carry with you which you can rub or twist or something which might help - a bit like worry beads - or perhaps exactly like worry beads!

It's hard. When in doubt, eat chocolate (I know you don't). I'm not helping but here's a ((((hug))))

Iamdobby63 · 09/09/2016 16:55

How are you? Hope you are holding up. Any word from mortgage company?

TheOriginalFV45 · 14/09/2016 23:14

I name changed and now FV45 isn't available! This is OP anyway.

Update: he still hasn't signed. After much distress (calling all services, legal aid etc) my sol offered to send scary letter FOC threatening litigation (at his expense) for breaching court order.

There seems to be no recourse for the abuser in this situation unless I pay. I can't do it anymore.

It's a month since he got the forms.

He is still in the house. I have found somewhere to work in the day and make myself scarce the rest of the time, pretty much only coming back to tidy and sleep (so I am here when kids wake up).

I feel let down, at a loss and beaten.

Meanwhile DS1 is predicted A* A A for his A levels. DS2 VERY snuggly at the moment.

Am swimming and running when I can.

TheOriginalFV45 · 14/09/2016 23:16

There has been no more discussion (if you can even call it that) regarding residency.

Josian · 14/09/2016 23:35

That's utterly rotten, FV. I am stunned that this is still ongoing and no one seems able to help you. Good on your son though, fantastic work.

When I change back to a previous name it tells me it isn't available when I type it into the box, but it allows me to change it anyway when I save the changes. Might be worth a try.

Memoires · 15/09/2016 00:07

Oh FV it's bloody rotten. Flowers

Memoires · 15/09/2016 00:08

How much would that letter cost? With the FOC thing.

User999966666 · 15/09/2016 01:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FV45 · 15/09/2016 06:31

Yay, got my name back!

She quoted me £100 + vat.
I actually think she is not that experienced with EA divorce.

If I had known he'd have to sign something (seems obv now but I just didn't consider it) then I would have asked for something to be added to the court order.

5th August it was stamped by the Judge. Everything was meant to be tied up 28 days after that - 2nd Sept.

We're looking at Oct before he's gone now.

Iamdobby63 · 15/09/2016 10:01

Has the solicitor sent the letter now? Via email?

Give it a week from when that should have been received and then look into making an application to the court, that in itself will get him to sign. Don't know if you have to pay anything upfront to do that though.

Residency should not hold up him signing and moving out, don't worry about it now, you made a reasonable offer and if he doesn't want to accept it or have any discussion about it then that's down to him.

FV45 · 15/09/2016 10:01

We had 42 days from 5th Aug to divide the contents of the house. Despite me trying to initiate discussion, nothing has happened. 42 days is up tomorrow, so everything is MINE! Ha!

FV45 · 15/09/2016 10:03

Letter was sent by post Tuesday. He has 7 days from the date of that letter to sign.

Iamdobby63 · 15/09/2016 10:06

Ok. Hopefully the threat is enough.

Btw, amazing predictions for DS1! What does he hope to study?

FV45 · 15/09/2016 10:48

I am sure he will sign.

Thanks re DS. He wants to study electronic engineering. His estimates will be good enough to get offers at his preferred universities. Exciting times.

Meanwhile, DS2 wants to boycott Harvest Festival because he doesn't like the song his class are performing! I have 7 year old conscientious objector on my hands!

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