The ignoring....gaaaa

[jellybean2000]

That is all.
Yes, I'm divorcing him.
He will continue to stoop to whatever method he can to control, upset and anger me.
Delay, delay, delay.

I've been here for a while but NC a while ago.

Don't worry about the head and beavers leader.

Given his history and the fact that he is a first class a hole it's a given that he will still mess you about. I could be wrong but I think you are best to be prepared. What I do hope though is that you will be more confident in dealing with him. At least at that stage if he messing around with access you can give him an ultimatum that he either becomes reasonable or he will have to take you to court for access. With a bit of luck he will meet someone who will take his attention away from making your life difficult.

I think a phone for DS is a great idea. I can't believe how much of a prick your ex is. Keep logging everything.

I'm not worried about what the head or beavers think, it was more me being upset that I still find myself in this position.

I'm now waiting for him to tell me about his plans for next week. I could disregard him and book DS2 into after school care, but if he's not working he will just go and get him from school and 1) that's confusing for DS and 2) I can't afford to just throw money away on unused childcare.

I have written what I want to do school run wise. Suspect he won't respond and will just do his own thing.

Meanwhile uni open days for DS1 loom and it would actually be useful for ex to mind DS2 then. I won't ask.

Ok. Have decided not to worry about next week and just remind myself my boss is amazing and has told me to just do what I need to do.
If that means working shorter days then so be it. It's not me at all but I shall make it about stability for DS.
Now just to real with the rising anxiety.

It is deeply frustrating that you are still in this position.

Did you communicate via email?

Until he has moved out its very difficult for you to dig your heels in regarding his messing about of schedule as I suspect if you said something was important or no last minute changes for eg., he would just do it all the more.

Wow, open uni days, DD2 is just starting AS so I guess we will need to start thinking on uni's soon enough. He should be willing to have DS2 whilst you visit uni's and you should be able to ask him. I know he would deliberately mess about to get to you but would he run the risk of spoiling something for DS1? Given what a selfish git we know him to be I guess the answer is yes.

Well your ex won't "win" on the uni visits - if DS2 has to go with you then you get a day with both your boys, DS1 doesn't "need" you there with him so if you end up more in the background having a coffee with DS2 it won't be an issue will it?

Hang on in there

Can you afford to get your solicitor to write one last letter setting out contact times and school runs? Then it's official and any deviance without prior agreement (at least 24 hrs notice?) will be used against him in Court. Tell the school that you want to enrol ds2 in whatever clubs so that he can gain a sense of stability and security, while you're at it. If ex changes anything at the last moment - turns up to pick him up or whatever - it will not only imply that he cares less about ds's emotional welfare but you will gain an extra strike against ex when it comes to Court. Write down every infraction, and that's more evidence of unreasonable behaviour from him.

Am pretty sure I can't just set out contact arrangements w/o discussion.
I don't know whether the requirement to have attended (and been made exempt from) mediation will automatically extend from the divorce proceedings into child contact issues or whether we would have to jump through those hoops again. Something to find out. TBH, while I knew this would be a very real issue I have not had the mental strength to look into it. I simply cannot face the thought of another 2 years of this. I need to get ex out.

I think getting him out first will help.

I guess then it will be mediation for contact arrangements (and 50/50 is the starting point ) - I think because of the DV this will be a formality as you can turn it down.

I suppose you may as well just offer 50:50 perhaps midweek to midweek will be easiest as drop off and pick up will be via school.

The "simple formality" of mediation took months. I went as required. He delayed, delayed, delayed and then finally went. I then didn't need to state I didn't want to go to joint mediation as they wrote to me to say they did not think we were suitable (God knows what went on).

I guess if kids are involved they don't allow such delays to persist, but still....

nb I am referring above to the initial solo appointments.

Hard to make any arrangements until you know where he is living and also what he will be doing work wise now he won't be able to sponge of you.

I imagine under normal circumstances you can't just set out contact arrangements and expect that to be what you get (I mean for anyone, not just you, but with your ex especially so!). I do think it gives a starting point to which he can either object and suggest something else - which, if he were a normal bloke, would be what he did, but as he isn't..... no he won't agree, and the chances are he'll say nothing, write nothing, do nothing as he usually does, and that plays into your hands vis a vis the reasonable aspect: showing himself to be completely unreasonable even in this serious matter. There will be a paper trail. Oh, need to tag on a date by which, if he's not indicated otherwise, it will be taken as agreement. Make it soon (due to imminence of school start date nothing to do with getting it over and done with oh no).

So then, the Court will see that the mediators have refused to deal with him,
that he has dragged his feet unreasonably over the sorting out of the house
that he has been unfair with regard to spending time with ds over the holidays,
is unreasonable about letting you know when they'll be back after his unreasonable trip away with ds,
has been unreasonable about taking ds out after school and the time he gets him home by,
has been unreasonable about pick ups and drop offs
and all the rest of.

There's quite a lot there, possibly even enough to ask for contact to take place under supervision. So, if you haven't been making notes already, start now. Try to remember as much as you can and get as good dates as you can - w/c 9 June 2013.....

I know you're exhausted, FV, and I know that saying 'nearly there' is no comfort to you at all, but you will get there because there really is only one direction to go now.

That all makes sense, just fills me with utter despair at the thought of going through it.

A friend of mine pointed out how screwed up the system is in that the "victim" ie me has to deal with their abuser in these matters.

Still no word on his plans for next week.

Oh and I don't want to stop him seeing his children, I just want to know what's what.

Hopefully you won't need to go through it, although I still think he will be an arse but perhaps when the power struggle is lessened so will his unreasonableness. We can but hope.

He won't be prevented from seeing the boys so long as he is reasonable ie he doesn't stray from the agreement without discussion first (discussion being two-way - rather than just informing).

Are you absolutely sure if you offer 50/50 that he won't or can't ask you for child maintenance or child benefit?

Try not to stress too much, just think on how you would like the access to work, write that down and that is the starting point. You can't really do much else until you know when he is moving out.

I don't know where it all went so wrong that I find myself divorced and having to try and work with my abuser while he's still living in the home.

What could I have done differently?

Hugs FV - because he's played the system that's why

My offer to him for contact would be a maximum of 50:50 mid week to mid week so that drop off etc happens via school during term time. I would phrase it along the lines of "I am assuming that you would like as much time with the DSs as possibly therefore that you would like 50:50..."

You may as well start the ball rolling now as you know he is going to delay etc.

Yes, I have never said anything other than 50:50 (despite him saying otherwise).

The "system" sucks.

dobby neither of us made a claim for any child support. It's a clean break and now sealed by the Court.

Listening to DS2 it sounds like ex has all manner of expensive plans so he's doing ok.

Is it ok for me to tell DS2 that he tell his dad that he really wants to go to beavers this evening or is that me breaking the rules of divorce? Ex is collecting him from school today and will be minding him. DS2 has asked me to take him as "Daddy won't"

I don't think there is any point in wondering what you could have done differently, you did what seemed right at the time, no one could do anymore than that.

Ideally divorced couples still communicate regarding the children. Of course you can tell him that DS2 wants to go to beavers this evening. Is DS2 wary of telling his Dad himself?

I'm a bit old school and don't really go along with the 50/50, not sure how it works in practice, especially where communication has broken down. How does child care during school holidays work out? If one parent only has them the same days mid week then that would mean they would never get a weekend with them.

I guess you could offer he has him tues, wed and Thursday nights, and maybe every other weekend? Need to do the math how that works out over the whole year. But then any holiday would take him over 50%.

Perhaps someone who has 50-50 can shed some light on how it works for them. Maybe start a new thread.

50:50 is the starting point.
I'm pretty sure he won't be able to do it, even if he has the desire to, as he seems to be unable to work and manage children and his work hours are irregular and he seems to not know what they are from day to day.

I've emailed him to get things started. There's a lot of "unless I hear from you otherwise" so he either has to respond and if he doesn't and then mucks up the plans I've made I can tell him it's not on.

re Beavers, I told DS2 to ask his Dad, it's not that I was reluctant to ask him. Just feel it's more likely he'll get to Beavers if DS2 has asked him himself.

I hope he does realise at some point that the more open he is to communication the easier his visitation with DS2 will be.

No sign of him starting to pack I suppose?

The email resulted in him kicking off. Shouting, sneering, threatening, in front of kids. I should have known, it's just what happened when I "stood up to him" about the car.