The ignoring....gaaaa

[jellybean2000]

That is all.
Yes, I'm divorcing him.
He will continue to stoop to whatever method he can to control, upset and anger me.
Delay, delay, delay.

I've been here for a while but NC a while ago.

It's so good to hear from you FV.
Thank goodness you are getting some respite for the time being. Great that you and ds1 are getting some bonding time.
Try to enjoy your upcoming break, don't let your return suck the enjoyment out of it.

I'm really glad you're still soldiering on

Hello,

Can I come back and ask for some support?

Ex (for the decree absolute has come through, but I feel nothing) is due back tomorrow or Friday (refusing to tell me which.....control) with DS2.

My dread at him being back is much, much greater than my excitement about seeing DS2 (if ex even lets me get a look in).
It is always bad after a respite (whether it's been me or him out of the home), but this anticipation is just awful. I feel tearful, rising panic and trapped.

Me and the two boys are leaving on our own holiday on Sunday so it's really not a long time, but I am alarmed at my very real physical reaction to the anxiety.

No advice but sending hugs

Hello FV,

I'm a long-term lurker on your thread, but haven't posted before as I have no experience or advice that I feel might be useful to you. I have been utterly aghast at your ex's behaviour and there are no words foul enough to describe what a despicable excuse for a human being he is, in my opinion.

I thought about you often when you stopped posting, hoping you were coping ok and was pleased to see you return to this thread.

I'm sorry I can't be of any help to you, but I just wanted you to know that there are people (I'm sure I'm not the only one) who are rooting for you. I'm really glad you are getting away with your boys this weekend. I suppose all you can do is mentally tick off the minutes in between him coming back and you leaving. Can you get out of the house for any time while he's there, even just for a couple of hours?

KOKO. You will, one day, be free...

FV, take deep breaths. In through your nose to a count of 3 and out through your mouth to a count of 5. Keep doing it. Every time you feel the panic rising, do that breathing.

It's good to see you again, glad you're back. You can get through this, it's not too long until Sunday.

I thought he had to leave?

Why isn't he going - how he is stalling?

I'm not surprised that your reaction is so strong he is your abuser, your torturer

Thank you.
He doesn't have to go until he gets his money.
Mortgage company keep throwing curve balls.
Ex has to sign a TR1 form which should arrive when I'm on hols. Who knows whether he will sign it or even open the letter. Then a few more weeks after they've got the signed TR1 back.
On and on and on.

When I've been in tough situations (nothing as tough as yours) I've found it helps to concentrate on the very small things. So getting through the next ten minutes, then the next.

He will leave soon. You'll have a different set of challenges then because he sounds a complete cunt, but you will have then got a safe place. You just need to keep taking one step, then the next step, then the next step to get there.

Sending hugs.

My ex constantly is on the lookout to spot me doing things wrong. He doesn't realise the kids turn speakerphone on when he calls so I know how he's leading them on "had a boring day then? Going to bed late then? What have you eaten? Who did you see? What did you do?" It's all set-up to throw back at me later if he spots something he can 'use'.

I need to get him off our mortgage so some useful references on here for me, thanks.

FV, look at everything you've achieved so far. You are undeniably strong, a fighter and survivor.
Keep going as you have done before!Sorry if it sounds patronising but meditation or mindfulness breathing keeps my anxiety from driving me insane. If you haven't already tried it, please do
Remember "feelings are just visitors, let them come and go "
Cheesy, but true. Stay strong

Hang in there. You already understand his games and why he does it, I know it's easy to say but try not to let him get to you, it's what he wants.

What is a TR1 form and what happens if he doesn't sign it?

When the house is all yours you will feel more secure and although I think he will still play games and mess you around - you will feel safer to deal with him and he won't get away with so much.

I do understand how frustrating it is when he is asserting his 'power' and the anxiety you feel, just try and concentrate on Sunday.

Koko FV.
Nearly there. Look how far you've come! Your a hero x

A TR1 form is to change the names on the house deeds.
He will be in breach of the court order if he doesn't sign but it will be down to me (via solicitors) to "make" him which takes time (I tell my sol to contact his sol, his sol writes letter to ex, ex is allowed "reasonable" time to respond...).
Every single step I've had to do this. Time and ££££

Still don't know whether he's back today or not. All his cycling crap is in a bag in a cupboard, along with his dirty pans....he'll freak out if it's not where it should be when he gets back. I just can't believe I am letting my abuser back into my home.

I can't get motivated to get sorted out for my holiday.

I am another long term lurker on your thread but felt I had to try to support you ... even if only on the Internet .
The physical response to stress ( his return ) is certainly very real and frightening. My daughter has had several panic attacks in the past which were terrifying and involved her losing the use of her legs etc. However , medication ( short term ) and counselling helped her enormously and she hasn't suffered for several years now . Would these things help you do you think ?
Soon ( I know that term is relative ) you will have your own home to yourself . This excuse for a man will be gone and you will be able to do what you want , when you want. He will be short of a victim and will be keen to be awkward and spiteful ..... but when it is at a distance and you are getting on with your own life and career ( I think you said he doesn't really have career ?) he will find this much more difficult and will suffer as a result ( good !)
Easy for me to say ( I don't know if he is violent ) but I would leave his bike etc. where it is. He will waste time and energy having a tantrum . Tell him it was in your way and he wasn't there to clear it away. Don't stay to argue , walk away , read a book in another room , go for a walk . Don't give him your presence.... you don't owe him that .
Also , not telling you when they are back in order to control your movements is something else to ignore . You have said he loves the children and wouldn't harm them so it wouldn't hurt if you were to simply carry on with your everyday life until they actually arrive home. Go out for coffee, shopping , see friends . Just act as though he was still away. By fretting about his arrival you are playing into his hands. If you weren't there when he arrives you deprive him of this satisfaction. Yes, it is " game playing " of a kind but a sort that will help you stay sane and give you some modicum of control back.
Just keep looking forward to your holiday with your boys and making plans for when this " creature" no longer shares your home. You are on the home stretch now , you have suffered so much.Who could believe that a man could behave in such a vile fashion because a woman decided she didn't want to be with him any more ? You have been through so much and are nearly there .... I am with you in spirit if not in body !!!

I wish I had good advice. Sending hugs.

You know you could just write direct to his solicitor (copy yours in)

"The TR1 will arrive on/by .... please will you inform your client that he is legally bound to sign and return it as per the court order, x days is a reasonable enough time frame for him to do so as he is not currently working he has ample time"

Well words to that effect...

He is utterly awful, they day he is out can not happen soon enough!

I wish I had a magic wand and could make everything ok for you, this has gone on so long and has really taken its toil on you. But.... you are getting somewhere and there is light at the end of the tunnel, keep pushing forward.

Have you told your youngest yet? It's up to you but if you haven't then I would tell him when you are away as it will give him time for him to get used to the idea without his fathers games confusing him. Is DS1 going with you? I know it worries you but was there an actual agreement with stbx as to when and how ds2 will be told?

I'm so glad you have the holiday with yr DSs to look forward to - it will be fab for the 3 of you to have fun & some fun times together. :)
Your STBX is a horrible horrible person - I hope he eventually confronts/acknowledges his own despicable behaviour ....

random Surely I'd be charged for instructing his sol, wouldn't I?

seasons I have been taking ADs for a few months. Not sure whether they make any difference really. I was assessed for NHS counselling, approved and then they changed their minds. I talk to Samaritans when I need an anonymous ear and to be calmed down.
As for his arrival home, I would be totally fine not being here, it's more for me to know when to expect him so that I can prepare myself mentally.
I am too scared of his backlash if he finds I've meddled with his things - I will put them back where they go (socks shoved in radiators, the dirty pan in the oven)

dobby I told DS2 a few weeks ago when we were going away for the w/e ie I knew I would be calm. I didn't dwell and I can't tell him where his Dad will be living as we don't know. I made it more about him - we both love him and will spend a lot of time with him etc. He was fine. He doesn't spend time with both of us together at the moment anyway (apart from the ice cold atmosphere at home). Yes, DS1 is coming too.

And thank you everyone for the support and kind words.

And in foot news. It was a stress fracture. 8 weeks in now and the healing shows on an xray, I had a MRI to confirm and the doc wants to do a bone scan as this is my 3rd SF in 4 years. Hopefully it's just bad luck (and overuse) rather than bone density problems but better to find out at 45 rather than 65 when my hips give way!

I have been swimming nearly every day which has ticked lots of the sanity-saving boxes, as well as classes and the gym (which ticks none of the boxes but keeps my strength up!). I was a complete swimming rookie but I've improved a lot. I even put my hat on the right way these days...ahem.

I can start gentle running again now (7 week return plan).

Im pleased DS2 took it well.

I understand where you are coming from re him not telling you when he is expected home, even though you already know why he has done that it doesn't ease the anxiety. He really is a prized you know what!

I had a bit of a laugh over the swimming hat! Lol Swimming is great, go easy on the running when you start back.

I wouldn't think so??? I would ask on the legal board if you would be charged or just your ex...

The risk might be that his solicitor wouldn't take instructions from the OP whilst knowing she has a solicitor on board and just ignore it or write back to her and cause more of a delay. FV just needs to make her instructions clear, his solicitor receives one letter, the smallest amount of reasonable time given then take it to the next step rather than numerous reminders.