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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Police just left :-(

150 replies

PestilentialCat · 20/03/2016 23:16

The testosterone fest of the last few months culminated in DS & DH coming to blows tonight & the Police being called. DS is sleeping at a friend's down the road. We have filled in the DV paperwork. No-one has been arrested yet. It's been fairly crap for years, but nothing like this. Sad. My big tough 18yo was in tears SadSad

OP posts:
WeDoNotSow · 21/03/2016 12:53

Domestic violence/abuse is so tricky...
Ultimately the only sane advice can verge on sounding like victim blaming, which is it will only stop when you make it stop OP.
And the only way you can do that is by getting yourself away...

You will never change him, never.
No amount of counselling will fix him unless he truly understands he has a problem.
I hope you manage to get away.

scampimom · 21/03/2016 13:01

You poor love, OP. I think you were really brave, and did what you felt was best at the time - I don't know that I would have been able to handle this kind of situation.

Not much practical help, but sending good wishes that you and your DS get through this and out the other side without this toxic man in your lives.

QueenElizardbeth · 21/03/2016 13:28

A lot of us have been involved in abusive relationships. I was involved with a man who turned out to have an abusive past, which I wasn't aware of, and he was beginning to start on me.

I ended the relationship immediately I realised. It was perhaps easier as we didn't live together at the time but we were about to. He turned up with his stuff and I told him I didn't want him to move in, as I didn't like the way he was behaving and I didn't want to be with him any more.

He went, and my life gradually got back to normal.

That's what you do when someone acts like a cunt. You don't stick around hoping they will turn normal, pretending it will all be fine, and letting them abuse your children.

I found out after he had gone how my children really felt about him and it wasn't pretty. And I found out about his involvement with the police and his history of years of domestic abuse which he had conveniently forgotten to mention to me.

I can understand if it is hard to find housing immediately though WA would help with that, there are refuges, there are all sorts of things that are in place to help.

But I don't understand why you would sit around putting up with this ridiculous crap from a man when no one is actually forcing you to stay with him. it's not like the law that you have to stay with him, he's just one of seven billion people in the world. He's not your responsibility.

Your children however, are. Mine were my responsibility, too.

ItWillWash · 21/03/2016 13:52

It's not always that easy, QE, often the abuse starts out small. Drip, drip, drip.

It can start so small you don't realise it is happening until you are already worn down by it. An insult here, a tantrum there punctuated with lots of flattery and apologies and hope that man you thought you knew is still there, if only you do X or stop doing Y, things will go back to how they were.

Abusers are very clever like that. Leaving can seem impossible. You are so exhausted by it all you don't have the energy, not to mention that it started so slowly it has become your normal. You're not sure what is abuse and what is typical of a healthy relationship anymore, you're not sure whether it is your fault, his or a mixture of both.

I can fully understand OP feeling like she has no choice but to stay until X happens. It doesn't feel as bad to OP as it. She's probably drawn an imaginary line in the sand and when he crosses that line, she will leave, except he won't jump, hop or skip to that line he will crawl to it, slowly, giving OP just enough hope to cling onto that she will move her line, without even realising.

Abuse, especially EA is insidious. It can take away your sense of self. You become a shell of what you were and you can't work out how to change it. Making small choices such as what to cook for dinner becomes an exhausting task. There's nothing left to make a big choice like leaving and it's not that bad anyway because the abuser doesn't X, by the time he does do X, X doesn't seem that bad anymore because the abuse is so ingrained you stop noticing a lot of it, it becomes normal.

It is possible to leave. If OP seeks outside help from CAB or WA they'll help her see her options more clearly, but only she can find the strength to do that and it won't be easy. I can guarantee from personal experience that that first step is the hardest, once she has found the strength to ask for help to leave, the rest is relatively easy, but taking that first step takes a lot.

ItWillWash · 21/03/2016 14:02

I used to think my abuser wasn't deliberately abusive, that he wasn't clever enough to be that insidious, that he was just a bit thick and insensitive and if I could just make him see how much his actions hurt us, he would stop.

I only realised he was deliberately abusive when it not only carried on after I left, but actually worsened.

Leaving is the easy part, learning to detach and stop the pattern of abuse is harder.

Bogeyface · 21/03/2016 16:02

when I was about 15 and my mum asked me if I really wanted to pack up my little sisters in the dead of night and walk out into the cold. I said no. I've never forgiven myself for that decision.

It should be your mum that you should never forgive for that. You were 15 and she put the burden of making a decision onto your shoulders. Thats appalling. So presumably if it worked out alls good and if it hadnt then she could blame you because she avoided making the decision herself. She should never have asked you that, and I think its terrible that you blame yourself, it was not your fault!

So sorry you had to go through that.

WeDoNotSow · 21/03/2016 16:24

I agree bogey.
And what a way to word it, that was never a choice at all...

Bogeyface · 21/03/2016 16:45

It really wasnt. It was a way of saying "Well we can tear the family apart, upset and frighten your sisters in the dead of night and it will all be YOUR fault" What else were you going to say?

But it salved her conscience because she could say to herself that she would have left but you didnt want to. :( Flowers

Do you have a relationship with her now?

ItWillWash · 21/03/2016 16:57

Theoretically I know it wasn't my fault. That is not a choice any teen should be faced with, but I do often wonder what would be different if I'd had the courage to say yes. In all likelihood she would never have gone through with leaving even if I had said yes.

I do blame her also. By staying with him she stole our childhoods from us and a good chunk of our adulthood. It took years for me to recover and I still don't think my siblings have recovered. We've all drifted in out and of dead end jobs and abusive, controlling relationships. We all have next to no self esteem. We all put others before own needs to the detriment of ourselves, to maintain peace. We can all throw a good punch if we need to, so as far as my dad is concerned, he's done his job well Hmm

I think she was looking for validation to stay because leaving would be worse, in her mind, than staying was. Staying was known, his abuse could be managed to a certain extent. Leaving was uncharted territory. and she'd been taught by her abuser, as I was by mine, that she could not manage life on her own. That she was too weak to parent effectively and too stupid to run a household.

I can't hate her. I adore her and still feel very protective of her. I got into a few physical altercations with my dad protecting her or my siblings when I was older. Eventually I left home because I couldn't take anymore.

If I'd had the same worldly knowledge as I do now, 20 years later, I would have said "Yes, pack them a bag each, wrap them up warmly. We'll walk to gran's and tell her what is going on instead of hiding it and she will help us. Things will be okay."

I wonder if that is what OP is doing with her son, looking for permission to stay? An 18yo isn't qualified to make that choice anymore than I was at 15.

I've had some counselling now and feel much stronger and more able to deal with controlling nutjobs without just giving in to them. I doubt I'll ever trust another man enough to move them into my home or expose them to my children, but I'm happy with my small group of friends. Maybe in time I will learn to trust men again.

NameChange30 · 21/03/2016 17:03

DO NOT GO TO COUPLE'S COUNSELLING WITH YOUR HUSBAND

It is not recommended with an abusive and violent partner!

The only counselling I would recommend is the Freedom Programme or individual counselling for yourself.

When do you plan to leave your husband? Do you have a job or money of your own? Is the house rented or owned/mortgaged?

NameChange30 · 21/03/2016 17:05

I don't think the police officer was particularly good, actually, if he recommend couple's counselling. If he'd put you in touch with their domestic violence unit, he would have been good.

starry0ne · 21/03/2016 17:05

I have read responses to this post..

I can only add you are desensitised to these incidents.. Sadly your DS will be too.

I can only tell you I left my DS and went to refuge. ( with 18 year old son more complicated but hopefully your plan does consider how to to do this) I can tell you the night we left they had no cot for him and I saw him physically relax... He slpet better than he had in months.. Although A levels are weeks away a move may give him the safety to relax and take in the knowledge.

I don't blame you for not leaving..I do urge you to do the freedom program so you can understand the severity of what is going on here.

Skiptonlass · 21/03/2016 21:23

Op: can I just ask you to make sure your son gets that bite seen by a doctor? Human bites are really really bad for infection - much worse than dog bites for example. It's important he gets it looked at even if it doesn't appear infected. They may want to give him a couple of shots.

I hope you both manage to get away from this awful man. Strength to you both.

Thattimeofyearagain · 21/03/2016 21:49

How are you and your ds , op ?

DollyTwat · 21/03/2016 21:49

Hope you are feeling ok today op
It's true that you do get 'used' to incidents like this, it's the boiled frog analogy isn't it.
Whatever your plan was, and whatever you were waiting for, I think this is your signal to get out. You and your ds can get through this together somewhere.
If you have access to any money this is the time to use it and get away - unless you can get him out.

LeanneBattersby · 21/03/2016 22:23

OP I hope you're still reading Flowers.

As Skiptonlass said, if a bite breaks the skin it needs to be seen by a HCP.

I do hope you find a way out of this awful quicksand you've found yourself in. There was some great advice upthread above about not letting your son decide the outcome this. He's still a child, living in an abusive household so his judgement is not going to be brilliant at the moment.

I've everything crossed for you and your boy.

Stormtreader · 22/03/2016 11:42

Liz he didn't want to press charges because he didn't want his DF losing his job - he has that sort of job - not to protect me.

If hes in the kind of job where he'll be fired if he has violent charges against him, then he could obviously be a risk to other people and thats exactly why he should be charged - they dont have those kinds of rules for no reason.

Twinkie1 · 22/03/2016 12:16

The sad fact of the matter is that his behaviour for the rest of life will be dictated by the violence he has seen growing up.

PestilentialCat · 22/03/2016 12:29

Hello all - everything calm at home for now & DS has open access to his friend's. I'm going to look as some rental places tomorrow. DH has refused to consider moving out. A bit of passive aggressive shite going on which is being ignored.

OP posts:
MewlingQuim · 22/03/2016 12:45

Yes Cat find another place and go. One day soon you will look back and wonder why it ever seemed so hard to leave.

Flowers
BastardGoDarkly · 22/03/2016 14:32

Well done cat even if you and ds share a studio flat, you'll be doing the absolute best thing for you both.

No surprise your H isn't decent enough to move out. Arsehole.

ItWillWash · 22/03/2016 14:50

I'm so pleased for you OP.

If you need furniture I found most of what I needed on local Facebook pages for free or dirt cheap, I furnished the whole house for less than £500 and that was only because I bought new beds for the kids and an unused but 2nd hand oven. I could have done it for about £150 or less if it wasn't for that.

CAB were a massive help with benefits and letting me know what I was entitled too.

Good luck, I hope it goes well for you and good luck to DS too on his A levels.

bibliomania · 22/03/2016 15:35

Really glad that you're looking at rental places. It will be a really powerful message to your son to show that your H's behaviour is absolutely not acceptable.

starry0ne · 22/03/2016 16:19

Good luck...Can I just advice when abusive partner knows the other is leaving this is a time it can escalate..

Do get all important documents together and out the house if possible and I would certainly avoid telling him you are going..

Good luck though.. Hope you find a great home for you tomorrow

PestilentialCat · 22/03/2016 17:20

I know it's a risky time. Thanks for all your advice & support Smile

OP posts:
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