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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Police just left :-(

150 replies

PestilentialCat · 20/03/2016 23:16

The testosterone fest of the last few months culminated in DS & DH coming to blows tonight & the Police being called. DS is sleeping at a friend's down the road. We have filled in the DV paperwork. No-one has been arrested yet. It's been fairly crap for years, but nothing like this. . My big tough 18yo was in tears

OP posts:

QueenElizardbeth · 21/03/2016 09:32

What do you want us to say OP?

It's very difficult knowing someone is getting bullied by their dad and nothing is happening about it.

I really don't know what to say, but I am wondering why you are staying a moment longer, and I hope it is alright to say that.

What is your plan at the moment? I mean for leaving.

blindsider · 21/03/2016 09:45

Hang on a minute why is everyone assuming it is the husbands fault,(from the OP) her DS is also an adult and 18YO can be very aggressive an arsey. Just because it sounds like DH finished the fight it doesn't automatically mean he started it??

Original poster

PestilentialCat · 21/03/2016 09:46

I don't really want anyone to say anything. DS doesn't want to leave until he has done his A levels & I can see why. He wants to get on with his dad & have a civilised relationship.

OP posts:

blindsider · 21/03/2016 09:49

OK read further - sounds a pretty grim situation, Your DH has bitten him

Your DH sounds quite the charmer (blowing Burps into you DS's face )

ItWillWash · 21/03/2016 09:53

OP I think you need to reach out for some counselling. For either your whole family if your H will agree or just you and your son if not.

What happened last night and yours and your sons reactions to it are not normal. You have learned to do what it takes to appease your H, even to the detriment of your own well being. If DS is still wanting to stay, then he needs some support. No one can have a civilised relationship with an abuser until the abuser gets help. That won't happen while everyone is showing your H that his behaviour will be tolerated and excused.

Original poster

PestilentialCat · 21/03/2016 09:55

Oh he's a charmer alright.

The bite is nasty - skin broken in parts & bruised. I have photographed it.

DS regrets hitting first as it made him look as bad as his dad

Also deliberately broke DS's playstation headset - he has form for breaking my stuff when angry

OP posts:

Original poster

PestilentialCat · 21/03/2016 09:56

ItWill agree counselling would be good - I have had the odd session. DH has always poo pooed the idea but did agree with the policeman that it would be sensible - I suspect he was just saying that

OP posts:

blindsider · 21/03/2016 10:01

Pestilentialcat

You should make it a condition of you not kicking him out. He sounds utterly vile.

PosieReturningParker · 21/03/2016 10:04

I think it's fair to say, from the point of view of your son which I'm able, that this is really beyond the pale.

I know it's tough being in that cycle of abuse, but when he started on your son (which I assume he always has, or has done for a long time) you should have left. There are some lines that should never be crossed.

This isn't black and white thinking, this is thinking like a parent.

AnyFucker · 21/03/2016 10:07

I don't think op is in any position to make anything a "condition"

The best and only thing she can be doing right now is to find a way to get herself and her son safely away from this animal.

What kind of man bites another person ? Certainly not one that you make threats to, that is clear.

QueenElizardbeth · 21/03/2016 10:11

I cannot help here then - I honestly cannot comprehend why you are letting this happen to you and your son.

I don't mean you're letting this bloke behave abominably - that's all his choice.

All you can do is get you and your kids out of range.

And you're not, and I don't know what else to say. Was your own dad like this? Is it all tied up in feeling guilty or something?

It's like standing with your kids in the middle of a road waiting for a car to come along and wipe you out.

QueenElizardbeth · 21/03/2016 10:20

DS doesn't want to leave until he has done his A levels & I can see why. He wants to get on with his dad & have a civilised relationship

Ok. I can see why too - he's got nowhere else to go, apart from sleeping on a mate's couch.

Maybe if you lived apart from his dad that would provide him with a safe place to stay till his A levels were over and beyond? Can you see that happening? Can you get any help to find somewhere safe?

As for the second sentence, that's just pure wishful thinking, totally unrealistic and not ever going to happen. Have you told ds that he's being absurd, or does he think his dad can change, or will change?

TwoLeftSocks · 21/03/2016 10:26

What practical steps would you need to overcome to leave?

And can you formulate a plan in your head for what to do it this were to happen again? Have you got family or friends who could put you and your son up?

It sounds like you're in such a difficult position but there's a very good chance that this will happen again. Your DH sounds like a bully and I can imagine its distorted your view of how to cope with something like this, something that's quite shocking to an outsider (many of us) but you're stuck in the middle of it all so it'll be very different to you.

Going forward, how would you like things to be for you and your son?

LizKeen · 21/03/2016 10:29

My opinion hasn't changed since last night. I didn't have steam coming from my ears, and as I stated I do have experience of the OPs situation. So I hope that those posts were not aimed at me.

As I said already, OP and her son to some extent, have been desensitised to the reality of the events last night. I think that posters showing how horrified they were was a good thing, as it shows OP how serious it was.

I do understand why your son says he wants to stay, but that isn't a decision that should be on his shoulders, 18 or not. As his mother you need to find the strength within yourself (and it is there, underneath all the undermining the abuse has done) to formulate a plan for you and your son, and be the parent. Don't lean on him. Don't leave it to him. Don't hide behind him. He is still your child and he needs your protection.

Original poster

PestilentialCat · 21/03/2016 10:33

Liz - thank you for that - you are right, of course.

OP posts:

blindsider · 21/03/2016 10:38

Good luck OP

ItWillWash · 21/03/2016 10:41

My first post was out of shock, but I realise it was snippy. To me the obvious reaction would have been to get the police to remove the H and then ask them to signpost me to further support to keep him away and I've been in an abusive relationship, more than once sadly. I know how muddled your thoughts can be and how exhausting it all is, mentally and physically.

I've also been the child of an abusive man. Staying or leaving should not be the choice of the child. I chose to stay, when I was about 15 and my mum asked me if I really wanted to pack up my little sisters in the dead of night and walk out into the cold. I said no. I've never forgiven myself for that decision.

I also think OP's plan is bullshit, sorry for being harsh OP, but I had a plan and then another plan and then another one...

Your plan is a way to protect yourself from having to make tough choices. You don't need a plan to leave, you just need to leave, there will always be a reason to stay for now, there will never be a right time to leave, if there was ever going to be time to end this it would have been last night. Just go.

I was aghast when people kept telling me that too, how can you just leave your home with nowhere to go and no money? You can, it is possible if you ask for help from the right places and it won't be nearly as hard or traumatic as you think it will.

If you really, honestly cannot cope with that thought just yet, and not being able to is not a sign of weakness or of not being a good enough parent, then at least get counselling for you and your child. You both deserve better than this.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 21/03/2016 10:49

Your DH is also "an adult". He should have been thrown out on his ear. Your duty of care lies with your son. Not that big oaf of a bully.
He bit your son and has not been arrested. And the police are going on about counselling. I think that ship has well and truly sailed.
I really hope you manage to get out soon
This man or so called is dangerous. I hate to say this OP but next time your DS might not be so lucky.

Goingtobeawesome · 21/03/2016 10:53

Is the counselling for your son to get over as much as is possible the fact he has an abusive father?

Fannyupcrutch · 21/03/2016 10:54

Chipped I didn't allow him to be violent FFS - he was bloody violent all of his own accord

Yeah, and you enable him by allowing him to behave this way towards your son (!) and letting him remain in the house. He acts like an animal and then it's all brushed under the carpet until next time. Your son is in tears after being goaded into physical violence and the police being called and its just another day in your life. You have become de-sensitised to it all, you need to break free and realise that your kids, and you- are worth much more.

CocktailQueen · 21/03/2016 11:00

Don't do counselling with your husband - you can't do counselling with an abuser.

I am horrified at your husband's behaviour. he's an animal. He should be ashamed. What's stopping you from leaving? Ring Women's Aid and just leave.

Your poor son.

scallopsrgreat · 21/03/2016 11:03

"To me the obvious reaction would have been to get the police to remove the H and then ask them to signpost me to further support to keep him away and I've been in an abusive relationship, more than once sadly."

Except the police don't remove the perpetrators of abuse. It is invariably the victims that have to leave. They may remove them temporarily but they will let them back in the family home. And clearly the police thought this was 6 of one and half a dozen of the other (not something I agree with btw) and went off who threw the first punch. The police were astonishingly crap at recognising abuse when they saw it and just wanted an easy outcome.

I also agree with AF. This is not a man to throw threats at. He is dangerous with a sense of entitlement. He has clearly been asked to leave before and won't. The OP can't force him and it would be dangerous for her to try to. The police clearly won't help and the DS has cognitive dissonance (understandably).

WA may not be able to house your son but they will be able to advise what can be done. It is a first step. Just having someone on your side will be helpful.

Good luck .

FeelItInMyToes · 21/03/2016 11:13

I feel for the poor son, he was in tears and then had to walk to his friend's house, meanwhile the bully gets drunk and falls asleep. I hope you can safely get yourself and your son away OP

AgainstTheGlock · 21/03/2016 11:18

This might be hard for you to hear:

If you don't get your son's back right now you are going to lose him.
Do you think he will come home from uni holidays?

NotTodayDear · 21/03/2016 12:05

Some people are being very hard on the OP. She is not the one to blame here. I would be very surprised if she hasn't suffered some form of abuse too, she did a really brave thing in calling the police and should be supported and encouraged, not castigated.

It's very difficult to imagine the dynamics and complexities of an abusive relationship if you've not been there yourself.

OP - please get some help to deal with this situation from WA or another organisation that deals with domestic abuse. Have you seen your son today?

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