Police just left :-(

[PestilentialCat]

The testosterone fest of the last few months culminated in DS & DH coming to blows tonight & the Police being called. DS is sleeping at a friend's down the road. We have filled in the DV paperwork. No-one has been arrested yet. It's been fairly crap for years, but nothing like this. . My big tough 18yo was in tears

What job does he have? ???

Do you have somewhere safe lined up for when you do leave OP? And do you think it will remain calm when DS returns?

Obviously H should have been the one to leave but I understand that when an aggressive man refuses to leave you can't do much. My own father never left and it took my mother 40 years.

How long until DS finishes school, would it really be better to stay until then?

If your son had to be the one to leave, why didn't you go with him? To a hotel, to a hostel, to sleep on the street if need be but why send him off alone?????

I don't buy that "he's 18 and he's an adult" BS. Perhaps legally but in terms of development we all know that teenagers have a ways to go and certainly he needs to know his mother is on his side. Not sitting home with the asshole who brawled with him. This is just unbelievable.

Your poor ds, I really can't understand why he has to leave.

I don't get this. At all. And I'm all the more worried that your DH works in an industry where he can't have a criminal record, and yet he's been allowed to effectively cover up what he did to your DS. He is an abusive, violent bully and I feel so sorry for your son. How must he have felt, having to slink away into the night like that? You could easily have got the police to remove your DH. You didn't. You chose your DH over your DS.

How do the posters calling troll and telling OP to grow some balls think they're helping? Why contribute to this thread if you're not going to be of some help? If you believe OP is a troll, report and move on. If you believe you're a stronger person that could have handled the situation better than the OP, good for you!

OP has repeatedly made it clear she is in a difficult situation and plans are in place to leave. The need to have plans in place to leave someone suggests she has to handle the situation very carefully, likely because her H is a violent bully. Do you think the advice telling her to grow some balls and attempt to kick him out is wise to a woman in a potential DA situation? No.

Your DS sounds much more mature than your H, OP. You two should stick together and I hope you are out of this situation as soon as you possibly can be.

Hi OP. Please ignore the cruel, insensitive posters. Some people just don't understand how being a victim of DA for years corrodes your self esteem to the point you feel unable to take action against the abuser, even in situations like tonight's.

You most certainly have not allowed your husband to commit acts of violence. That's a nasty myth perpetuated by people who don't have a fucking clue.

You really do need to think about taking action ASAP though. It won't be long before your husband senses that you are planning to leave, and that will put you and DS at even more risk.

I think you need to get out quickly (as in this week, not June!) and think about pressing charges. You haven't said what job your h does, but if he works with vulnerable people then his employer really needs to know. It's not about protecting this vile man. You need to protect yourselves now.

Good luck OP and do ignore any ignorant, victim blaming comments.

What very tidy lives some mumsnetters do lead. Everything is so black and white isn't it?

The OP is very bravely describing the reality of a long term abusive relationship. She is making plans to leave. When things have escalated she has called the police. She is clearly aware of the effect on her son as well as on herself. So - can some of you try and stretch your comprehension a bit to understand why she is still there tonight? Because it's hard to get out of this sort of relationship. It's really hard for women and children to get out and she's doing the best she can so cut her some slack and keep your focus on who is the problem here.

It's incredibly easy to sit on one side of a keyboard and pontificate about how she is harming her son, should just have thrown the bastard out etc etc. But what you're actually talking about is ending a complicated long term relationship. This relationship will have changed who she is and it involves her child's father. who despite the violence and the terrible behaviour her son probably would still describe himself as loving. I repeat this is hard. This is messy and difficult and what she needs is support not more anger.

OP - hang in there. Keep yourself safe. Work on your plan and reassure ds you will be out soon. Until you are out it might be best for him to stay with friends or relatives if he can. Your husband won't leave him alone now. He's to much of a threat to his control and you're liable to end up in the middle. Just keep planning and do what you need to do to keep safe. Are you covering your tracks online too?

Why are some of us laying into the OP? Hasn't she had enough of that from DH? Please stop victim-blaming, it's not impressive. OP, Sympathies and Support.

I hope you get some sleep. How awful for you - but I can sense your relief that this might be a new beginning. Well, it has to be - and the next bit will be grim, but the bit after that will be way better , and that bit's the rest of your life.

I second Minnie and Northern Lurker, it is disgusting how vile and stupid some posters are.

Until you have been in situation of EA or DV you really have no idea.

I was just as stupidly judgemental until I got into an abusive relationship and I am actually glad that happened to me so that I would be a bit more understanding.

Op, hope you're ok and you and your son manage to get away from your horrible freak if a husband very soon.
Maybe he should lose his job. Is it the kind of job where he wears a uniform and works with the public? People need to be protected from him if so. And it would be his fault if he lost his job, no one else's.
Sorry you're having to go through this, but keep going until you get out

OP, you don't really need "plans" to leave. You just need to make that first phone call to women's aid (or similar).

You take your handbag, a bag of clothes and your son.

Everything else can be sorted when you both have a safe place to sleep.

I have been through women's aid twice.

What I mean is - it may feel right now like you're fighting through treacle with all the stress of trying to leave, but WA (and their ilk) know what to do. You're re-inventing the wheel to a degree, WA will know who to contact from the benign updating the school through to the more complicated division of assets and legal rights - and how to access financial help.

You don't need to find all the answers yourself.

Yay. The hysterical life gurus of the first three pages have finally been shut down. I could almost smell the smoke billowing from there ears. Glad common sense has prevailed. Op was the only one making sense. Hope you get your self sorted and your plans come together in good time. I'm also glad you're not sleeping on the street tonight as one of those posters suggested lol and I'm absolutely certain your son will understand the decisions you have been forced to make as a result of today's debacle.

Thanks folks. DS is back & in the shower. He didn't want me to go with him last night. DH fell asleep drunk after the Police went & is moaning about being hurt this morning good DS is stiff & sore.

DS just wants a quiet life & has previously said he would prefer to stay living here but now he can see that he & I would be much happier elsewhere.

As recent PPs have said, it isn't easy doing the sensible thing after years of drip drip drip.

OP what a horrendous situation. I haven't been in your shoes and I don't know how I would react/ what I would do.

What I do think is that your child is an adult and if he is saying that he would be better off living elsewhere, why wouldn't you go together? You have his support and whilst he needs your guidance and protection, he also can protect you as he isn't a young child.

Please call women's aid today and get advice. At least start understanding your options. Now that your H has lost control, it could very easily escalate. Unfortunately I don't think this tale ends here.

It sounds like you and ds are on the same page so that's good and you can support each other. Hope he's ok, I'd keep an eye on the bite mark in particular. Do you think it needs medical treatment?

I think I can recall your other thread, but my apologies if Ive confused you with someone else. The poster Im thinking about was waiting things out till her son went to uni.

Please, please, make your move sooner rather and later and do not let your son think for a minute that your choosing this man over him.

Of course the op has to make plans and not just pick up the phone to WA. They will only help her and this leaves her 18 year old stuck in the house with the father.

Sometimes it is easier to stay. You think you are protecting the child more by being there. Before berating the op more think about it. The court system would have given him unsupervised contact. The guy would have been left alone to say and do as he pleased. Stay in the relationship and she could buffer the abuse. She's admitted that she was taking the brunt until now. If she had left 10 years ago, they both would have.

Op, go and see a solicitor. Be as honest as you have on here. You won't be judged but
You will be offered legal advice how to move on sooner.

The 18yo is still in FT education, so he would also be assisted along with his mother by DV associations.

This is a very similar situation to the one my friend is in. The son is now 21, and has been arrested on the instigation of his father multiple times. The son has learnt his father's behaviour through years of abuse, and uses his fists to solve problems now too. My friend has left a couple of times, but has always gone back.
Please do not get sucked back in like my friend, keep to your plan and get both you and your son out as soon as you are able. I'm not minimising how difficult it is to get out of this type of relationship.

jelly - not me posting before - sounds like some other poor sod is in the same situation

The problem is that as an 18 year old male, he probably wouldnt be housed in a refuge so its not as simple as the OP calling WA and them both packing a bag.

He would receive support if he wanted it, but not a place to live with the OP.

There are other ways, not just WA.

A lot of it will depend on who owns the house/whether OP wants to stay in the house or wants the H to leave.

OP do you think you could go and see CAB or a solicitor and ask them what options you have if you need to leave quickly? You don't need to act on it if that's too much right now, but it would be a step in the right direction.

I personally never went through WA. I went to the local council, who put me in touch with a housing association, who organised a deposit for and signposted me to other charities who helped out with white goods loans, donated furniture etc.

Op I just wanted to say I'm sorry this is happening and to also saw I completely understand why DS was the one to leave the house last night. Hope you can make plans to escape all this soon.