I want a quiet life

[chocolatebiscuitsplease]

Hi, I am in a miserable marriage that is on its way out but suspect it's going to be a long and horrible process because my DH is a pig and I just want some friendship/support 😞

Hi, thanks all for kind and supportive words. I did not sleep very well at all. He has managed to convince me that I am just a drain on him and that I am ruining this exciting (lifetime chance) deal of his, that I am just intent on sabotaging it. I am exhausted by the weight of this, it can't go on. I have today pulled off all of the very threatening emails and given a friend copies in case he follows through on anything. I am going out with the DCs to try and get some fresh air and hug what I love, them.

chocolate I didn't sleep well either, but that's because I had a house full of teenagers.

Forget about all this nonsense he is spouting. It's complete bollocks. If his 'lifetime chance' deal doesn't go through, it will be all his own fault. TBH I am that such a deal even exists. He may have made the whole thing up as a stick to beat you with. Just ignore him.

Hope you have a nice day out with the dc.

choccie, Please don't read any more of his shit today.
He is still all about "himself", his career, his deal.
The fact that actually you don't give a toss about his "deal". is unthinkable to him.
Yes this divorce "bullshit"will be detracting energy from his job.
DO NOT EMAIL HIM
DO NOT READ HIS EMAILS
DO NOT CONTACT.... it will bug him an added bonus
enjoy your kids
Big friendly supportive Hug for you too !

Hope today's going better.

Have you got a to-do list going yet? Might that help focus things a bit?

Hope you had a nice trip out yesterday and a better night.

Hi thanks, yes, better today as saw first lawyer who was bloody fantastic - offices unimpressive, but she was v inspiring. Had lovely w/end with DCs and jmanaged a civilised debate with DH over a DC issue that she had involved him in, and he actually put down his sword for a few minutes and said he trusted my judgement, and managed not to call me one vile name - baby steps but maybe my obvious breaking point had hit home? I am on my third chocolate biscuit as I type this - by name and nature 😊

Oh good, so glad you've seen someone and liked them too! Have you got more lined up?

And yeay to a civilised conversation! That's a great end goal to work towards, just being able to talk, especially in terms of care for your children. I should think that's quite a relief to know its possible.

And yeay for chocci biscuits too, bourbons are my comfort biscuit of choice, with a big cup of tea.

It's early days and the lawyer predicted a shitstorm ahead, so I shall take these quiet, precious unteary moments and dunk my biccy and be grateful - love bourbons 👍

The lawyer sounds great. I'm glad your search got off to such a good start! Now you can meet the others knowing you have a great lawyer to compare them with - and if they're not as good you can just go with her.

Enjoy the calm and civility while it lasts! I guess you will be riding the waves for a while, sometimes quiet and sometimes stormy.

Well hopefully they can intercept some of the shitstorm and filter out decisions that you need to make. I should think alot of the disputes will centre on financial stuff and split of assets, maybe it'll be possible to agree with him that you just civilly discuss issues regarding the children and channel discussions about tricky stuff through solicitors. If he gets arsey, you can always just put the phone down.

Yes, he will manage to be civil if he is being monitored by a solicitor.
Great that you get a good feeling from the solicitor, You should carry on & see the others anyway.
I hope your strong spell lasts....
Remember the mantra; "This too will pass"

Good mantra

I love that mantra, another friend said to me last week when I was very low, 'no mud, no lotus,'

Remember this:

It will all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

Well it's certainly not okay. My kids are busy telling me how amazing daddy fun is and what a bore I am. My middle child is angry with me all of the time, apparently, but never with daddy. I did point out that he's not here but they argue that's not it, he has engineered a position in their lives where he is the 'other kid, and I am the boring parent. What next? Will he go for custody, two of them are old enough to chose? Apparently he might be moving back? Really? Is that the next ploy? Years of being the only rule enforcer with him behaving like a five year old, calling me boring etc. to our kids, standing with them against me, doing the fun stuff but none of the real work, and this is how it might end?

Well in my experience dads who only want the fun stuff generally pull back from taking actual responsibility, so I doubt he'll be going for custody.

Your kids are not worried about losing you, because you've always been there for them, but they may well be worried about not seeing their dad because - well - they don't see much of him now! They are taking it out on you because they trust you not to let them down, wheras if they are horrible to their dad they may well be scared that they'll lose him.

Are there any plans for him to have the children in the holidays? If not - could you propose this now on the basis that they need to spend time with him? And no less than a whole week.

No plans have been made but he is busy dismantling my parent skills to his family and possibly our kids. I have been loyal to him to them. I am shocked and hurt and scared.

To be honest, love, this was inevitable. Throughout your threads it's been clear that he is poisonous and not above manipulating your children and bringing them into the fight. The solicitor also warned you that he would get nasty. You just need to hold your nerve and press ahead with the divorce. Have you got any more solicitor appointments lined up?

(What a bunch of tossers!)

How do you know he's saying things to his family?

Why is this getting back to you?

It doesn't matter what your in-laws think about you, because you don't have to have anything to do with them.

Your stbxh is a selfish and is completely following the selfish script. That's why the solicitor could confidently predict that you are in for a shitstorm, they all do the same thing and she has seen it many times before.

Unfortunately, it's entirely predictable that he will use the dc against you. Any decent parent would be thinking about his children's best interests, which include maintaining good relationships with both parents. That's what you are trying to do. STBXH is not doing this because he only thinks of himself.

The dc know you love them. They know that whatever they do, you will still love them, care for them and support them. Unfortunately, the insults, anger and bad behaviour are part of the process. Just remember that they do it because feel SAFE with you

Meant to say stbxh is a selfish knob. Feel like I was censored by my browser

You absolutely must disengage with your XH. He can say all the shit he likes but you do not have to listen or respond.

Your children target you because you are there, and you are safe. They know they can express their anger and frustration around you and you will still be there. They paint their dad as being great because they know deep down he's unreliable and so they have to be ok with him because he can and would walk away from them.

It's going to be ok. You don't need to get involved in these mind games. You are a good parent no matter what your twat of an XH or his family says. You do not need to justify one single thing to them. They don't get to criticise you or judge you.

Take a breath and keep your head up. It is hard but you have to detach from these people. They are nothing to you. You tried to make a life with them but they are incapable of that, so you need to accept that and move on. Stop wasting your time trying to make them into decent human beings. It isn't going to happen.

It might be worth having a very honest conversation with your kids to get to the bottom of how they're feeling about all this.

choccie, have they been told that you are divorcing? Are they seeing the GP & SIL ? Why ?

I'm sorry that they are being hurtful, altho its the age when they would be doing it to you anyway. Just be true to yourself. Try & get him to have them for a week ! He may not be as "cool" then !
There is nothing you can do to change their adoration of him, with time, he will shoot himself in the foot & they will see him for who he really is.
They know you are not the "Baddy", they do however take their mother for granted (all kids do)

Last news was if "super deal" works out, he could be overseas for another 2 years....so is this all to do with showing he's present in their lives? He will not get custody. Why would he ?
Be strong. there is no real turning back now anyway.
I must admit, at the worst moments in my life, when I thought that my life was caving in, & everything I thought I knew was lost or failing.... In fact, it was just a step, things were worked out, I moved on, adjustments made.
It's easier in retrospect.

Thank you all this is uplifting and a reminder that of course this was bound to happen. He has told me that his family all think that I am making a fuss about my single parenting that it is 'easy' , that there is 'nothing to it!' i can see now that he is pulling my chain - I had to discuss a kid's issue with him and with my guard down he flew in. As for DCs, SW friend says this will happen, they are missing him and feel safe dumping on me. Lawyer is right, I am going head first in to a shit storm.

Hi CBP, only just seen the new thread. Joining in for (chocolate)🍪 and

Please heed the advice to ignore this toss pot. He's turned nasty awfully quickly as soon as you showed a glimmer of resistance. Forget about his family. So they are against you, so what? They are all as bad as each other and you have to know it won't make them happy. No one who spews out that much bile into the world is happy or well adjusted.

Thanks goodness he's nowhere near the dc. There's no way on this earth he would want to take on the burden of raising the dc. It's all very well posturing but I'd bet my house he'd not be able to do what you do. Also I reckon the threats to return are BS. He's been totally against coming back, he's got a sweet deal abroad. He's just trying to scare you. Cut tues and don't give him the power and control he so desperately craves.

Also Yy to getting a very good lawyer. I reckon you can get all of the house as he's too much of a flight risk to pay maintenance and will likely manipulate his accounts to make his business look worthless (this is my area and they all do it).

My next prediction. He's going to be saying you've cost him money with the timing of the divorce. Making up that his deals gone south.

if his deal comes south, it won't be because he was flying home to sort out his marriage anyway !