I want a quiet life

[chocolatebiscuitsplease]

Hi, I am in a miserable marriage that is on its way out but suspect it's going to be a long and horrible process because my DH is a pig and I just want some friendship/support 😞

Obviously you don't want to throw money away but do be wary of telling yourself you "can't afford" certain solicitors. Be open minded and think about the long term benefits of a lawyer who is efficient and gets you a good settlement as quickly as possible. If you can get that for a low price, great, but if you have to pay a bit more for it, it will be worth it.

I'm here for you too. I'm not sure what practical help I can be but I'm here and hoping I can ease your path.

Thanks. I have no idea what to look for and do not understand how they all study for the same exams and yet some are hundreds per hour ? I have gone high street and it will have to do, but no doubt DH will get some hot shot whose fees will take bites out of our DCs future

AnotherEmma I am throwing in a more expensive one to ring today, you are right the outcome is too important, I shall see what the difference in experience and expectation is. I presume you pay the full amount at the end? Does anyone (on a separate note) have experience of ex DH contact via social media texts etc. with teen kids. He is asking her about the other DCs whichinly highlights our own non communication - he does not live with us - which is his petty choice. I am encouraging contact but he has thrown toys out of pram. Thoughts?

In my experience (through knowing a family lawyer), a good one will try to help you keep costs down - by suggesting ways you can do some of the work yourself. They will also be someone you click with.

In your circumstances you need to be totally honest as there are some aspects that might be complicating, so you want to make sure they have experience of those complications.

The solicitor I used was, perforce, very much at the inexpensive end, but was experienced in divorce/family law, approachable, and most importantly 100% on my side. He didn't drag things out unnecessarily and kept costs down as much as possible, bless him. He also had a lovely motherly secretary who was free with the tissues as required. These things are more important IMO than a big office and a smart letter heading, but then again, if the right one for your situation is more expensive, I agree with pp that it's an investment worth making. Your STBXH may go for the poshest looking practice to intimidate you, but they're not necessarily going to be any more successful than a lower profile one that knows what they're doing.

I found the solicitors' letters fascinating, watching the cut and thrust between them, the said and unsaid points, the bluff and double bluff. They both knew whether what one party had asked for had a cat's chance in hell when it came before the court. It was like watching fencing: lunge, parry, advance, retreat. "My client wishes..." "My client is prepared/is not prepared to concede..." XH's solicitor cost about twice as much as mine, but was less efficient, and had the disadvantage of a client who made up the facts as he went along. He was at even more of a disadvantage when XH somehow managed to wriggle out of paying him. Mine wanted interim payments, mainly expenses, with the bulk being paid out of the financial settlement at the end.

That is very interesting thank you both. You mentioned going before the court, do all divorces end up in court? I would be interested to hear about that because friends keep telling me to avoid 'the courts' because that's where the real costs are, and it's our DCs money in the end. Can a good lawyer keep me out of court to keep costs down as much as possible or are they hoping to drag it out for fees - I am cynical because of my last exoerience😞

What country do you live in ? because the law is different in different countries

As I understand it, a court has to approve a divorce but you don't have to necessarily attend. If both parties agree then the paperwork can be sent in and the court are more than likely to rubber-stamp it. (There are two aspects to a divorce, as my solicitor explained it to me: the marriage itself and the finances. It's the finances that usually cause the arguments, for obvious reasons.) We had to go to a local court once as XH was majorly disputing my proposals, and were told to go away and jolly well sort it out. Our solicitors represented us so neither of us actually got to say a word. Eventually we did sort it without having to go back. XH didn't like it but his solicitor must have persuaded him he wasn't going to get anything better. I think the whole thing cost me about £5 - 6k, eight years ago. I forget some of the details as it was a while ago and I wasn't in the best mental condition at the time, but the solicitor you see should explain it to you. Mine drew me a little timeline with likely costs at each point.

A sensible lawyer would just get it over with as soon as possible so he can collect his fees and move onto the next case, with the bonus of a satisfied customer giving good word-of-mouth about their service. No doubt you'll explain to whoever you engage that your resources are limited and you really need to do this economically. Their reaction may help you decide if they're the right ones for you. It's the fighting that costs, mainly, and your STBXH sounds as though he wants a fight. But rolling over and playing dead will lose you money too. You're looking for someone who can toe the line between standing firm and being aggressive. A well-behaved Rottweiler, if you will

Hand holding here. My H left at my request NY Eve 2014 - I have been where you are now, I'm am 100% happier You will be too

I live in the UK. Thanks for the advice and supportive words. He is duper bitter, he comes from very competitive self righteous and bitter stock, yes I should have observed them more before comitting, so I know that what lies ahead will be as unpleasant as he can make it. He has no empathy, even a previous therapist remarked that she was at a loss, it is going to be horrible and I fear for the kids because he is already playing the victim and putting undue awkward stress on teen DD.

Super bitter not duper😂

Do you have a joint bank account ? does your salary go into the joint account ? is he going to keep paying in ? because, isn't family joint income, just as much yours as his ? if he can spend thousands on a SHL, you should be able to also. (I know this is unlikely) Who has made all the sacrifices looking after DCs, while he is being the primary salary earner ?

Also, does he want the divorce too ? if so that part is no contest. the problem will be re Dcs & finance.
when you go the the solicitor.
make a list with you of questions, & take notes

take

His business is registered abroad so he sends money for monthly living in to our joint account in uk where my money goes too. I am potentially screwed.

Indeed you are potential screwed , which is why you need a SHL

Did you move the children's passports out of your house ?

"You mentioned going before the court, do all divorces end up in court? I would be interested to hear about that because friends keep telling me to avoid 'the courts' because that's where the real costs are, and it's our DCs money in the end. Can a good lawyer keep me out of court to keep costs down as much as possible or are they hoping to drag it out for fees - I am cynical because of my last exoerience"

Obviously you want a solicitor who is efficient and doesn't drag it out. But it's not just up to you and your solicitor; it's up to STBXH and his solicitor too. So with the best will in the world, you might want to avoid an expensive fight, but you will probably still have to fight more than you would like, just to get a settlement that is fair.

What was your previous experience?

True, I cannot control his tactics with his own lawyer. My previous experience was with inheritance lawyer who was charming at the beginning and then turned quite controlling and rude toward the end - a bit like my marriage 😉

The Scottish legal system is different to the legal system in England and Wales.

How is it different, good or bad different?

Just different. You said you were in the UK, but the systems are different depending on whether you are in Scotland or not. I thought I would flag it up

Wishing you loads of luck.

His business is registered abroad so he sends money for monthly living in to our joint account in uk where my money goes too.

Then it's time to open a new account in your sole name and start putting your money in that one. Take back some control.

Have another hand to hold, chocolate.

My solicitor isn't super expensive, but she is good, and is trying to keep my costs down. STBXH's is an expensive central London one, who is absolutely shite - never answers any bloody letters. And has also told him what he wants to hear, rather than what the Court might rule, which means he got a heck of a shock at the FDR! You can't avoid court with a manipulative, controlling man, I don't think, as my STBXH won't do anything without being forced I can't count the number of deadlines he's missed.

I would say, if you end up in court, to get a shit hot barrister.

Yes elegantly , that's why I was asking. In Scotland you might be able to get a separation agreement and avoid court .

But I fear your problem might be that your martial assets ( company relegate aboard , husbands bank account and presumably pension ) are largely overseas. Hard to find out about, hard to get maintenance for the children . You need a SHL .

Did you see my post about the children passports? I am concenerd that your H might get your oldest to fly abroad to see him without your knowledge .