I want a quiet life

[chocolatebiscuitsplease]

Hi, I am in a miserable marriage that is on its way out but suspect it's going to be a long and horrible process because my DH is a pig and I just want some friendship/support 😞

[NameChange30]

I think it's very unlikely that a 13yo who lives full time with her mother would want to fly abroad without her mother's knowledge or permission, let alone be able to. She would have to find her passport and get to the airport without her mum knowing. Why would she do that if she is generally happy and secure?

I doubt that he actually wants the children living with him full time - it's all too convenient for the OP to do the day-to-day parenting in the UK while he has the freedom to live the life he wants in another country.

But if it is a concern of yours, OP, there is some useful info here: rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/children-law-relocation-holidays-abduction/

[chocolatebiscuitsplease]

Useful rights thanks. He would love to have them at his beck and call that's how he likes us all, just available in the background but not bothering him too much!

[chocolatebiscuitsplease]

Thanks batshit the barrister tip I had not factored that in its likely he will fight until the bitter end to destroy me not to gain anything for himself

[scarlets]

I'd agree that a recommended solicitor is an investment worth making.

I wish you lots of luck.

[Kr1stina]

Emma, I agree that it's unlikely . But it's not impossible, given that the OPs husband has already been trying to manipulate her DD by phone . And it's not much of an inconvenience to give the passports to a trusted friend or relative.

Im sure her father doesn't want her to live abroad full time. But I'm damn sure that he wants to put his wife in her place and show her whose in control . And he's already threatened that he will go for residence of the children so he's willing to use them as a weapon .

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

...competitive self righteous and bitter stock, yes I should have observed them more before comitting...

Too true, chocciebiccie, and hopefully an object lesson for the DDs?

Hand holding here. Hope you're well.

[mix56]

chocciebiccie, when you first met, maybe 15 years ago, he was young, testosterone raging, he was not a high fly exec. business man, hard ball, souless, winner & bully. You were in love, you walked down the aisle together.... You would not have seen his inner soul then. Power makes them into someone else. & perhaps influences from his family.
None of the unhappy divorces we can read of here, would ever happen if we could see into the future.

[chocolatebiscuitsplease]

So true, if I had known my future would be receiving emails from my DH that make me feel so devastated I would not be on here now. His latest abuse informs me that I a lazy money grabbing bitch, because apparently all that parenting pre teens and teens involves is food and a calendar (!) and that no-one feels sorry for me single parenting our kids, because apparently it's really super easy, just feed them, sit on my arse all day, feed them again and remind them what day it is and if they need to know anything relevant to them at that moment? Shall I go ahead and write the HUGE frigging, list that does not even include the emotional support that single parenting entails, including the 5 hour round trip and support for DCs matches today and twice in the week, or shall I just presume all the human beings on here can guess how long that list is. Oh, and his email ends with instructions on where and when we shall tell the DCs and the arrangements after that. I hate him. A lot.

[aginghippy]

Why are you even reading emails from him if they make you feel devastated? You don't need to read them. Preserve your mental health and your self esteem: stop communicating with him.

[chocolatebiscuitsplease]

I honestly do not know. I suppose I am hoping for shreds of civility because going forward that is what I want for the DCs. I have friends who have managed to behave really well for their kids and the families are well adjusted, but I have friends where one or both partners were super bitter and the kids are just screwed up now. I want to be civil but he is intent on taking me down, how will that ever be good for our kids? I keep opening his emails because I am hoping that my pleas for civility will hit home, but of course they do not. He never actually replies to my requests for us to move forward with kindness, but continues his attack on me, blaming me, refusing to accept any of the emotional burden himself, then going in to victim mode and telling me that I have engineered our demise out of spite. Maybe now I should cut the ties, and tell him to call the landline if it's urgent.

[NameChange30]

Yep.

[NameChange30]

The only way you can protect your kids from the negative impact of his abuse is to first protect yourself from it.

[mummytime]

Stop reading.
Stop responding.
Get a friend to field emails.
Or have one day a week you check.
Having communication in writing can be helpful, voice stuff is harder to keep as evidence.

Parents who co-parent well apart are usually separated for a while first.

You cannot change his behaviour. You can only change your behaviour. Be kind to yourself.
Also don't cover up for him. Do not say "Daddy loves you lots" if he chooses not to see, contact or provide for them. Just sure they know you love them.

[chocolatebiscuitsplease]

Please can someone stop me emailing back my fighting talk to him, I want to scream at him how he and his emotionally crippled family have caused the problems in our marriage, I want to scream at him that our kids cannot 'look after themselves' as he claims they already do - a dig at my skills as a mother, I want to scream at him that he is incapable of love, but all I will get back is the robotic self righteousness that makes me want to scream some more. Please someone make me stop. I just can't stop reading them. I KNOW that I should look away, but I just can't stop. Why can't I stop? I need to stop. Please help me to stop, I really do need to stop it is making me feel ill.

[NameChange30]

Walk away from the computer/tablet/smartphone and get yourself some therapy. ASAP.

[NameChange30]

You need to accept that he is never going to listen to you or to reason. He is never going to turn into a decent person who will end this amicably for the sake of the children. He is an abusive man from a toxic family. He will do nothing but hurt you until you stop allowing him to.

[Hissy]

Sweety, it's ok. Nothing is happening bar words on a screen. Please just switch notifications off, get your friend to read them and pick out if there are any tangible points

Stop the text contact with the kids for a bit. He and his family will use the kids as a tool to hurt you.

Block him from her phone, delete his number and make sure all contact us via you/email.

Only reply if he is civil. If he's not, don't.

[NameChange30]

I think tbh you need to appoint a solicitor and then send him one last email informing him that all future communications must go through the solicitor, and that you will be blocking his emails and texts or calls via mobile. He can write or call the landline for anything important (if he calls to criticise/abuse you just put the phone down).

This sounds simple and it is simple but you may well find it difficult to do. You've never stood up to him, have you? You've always gone along with what he wanted. Now you're refusing to go along with him any more, he is behaving like a monster - and you are so shocked and hurt that you think it's some temporary madness, that he just surely turn back into his "normal" self. The problem is, he has always been a monster - that is his normal self. He's just been hiding it until now. Maybe he wasn't hiding it brilliantly well but you chose to ignore or disbelieve the signs.

You can't reason with a monster. You can keep going back for more abuse or you can walk away and protect yourself and your children.

[chocolatebiscuitsplease]

I know I know I know I have to be stronger and take these steps. He has always been like this I have just adjusted myself to it p. They are only words on a screen I shall hold on to that... Goodnight all and thank you x

[NameChange30]

Think about all the OTHER words you've been written by us lovely people strangers on the Internet! Try and focus on our support and think of those words beating down all his nasty ones

[chocolatebiscuitsplease]

I know and you lovely people have no agenda except to support a woman in need and his agenda is of course self serving. I need distance. I am too close and too right on top of this to see it clearly. I must separate myself and shall start by going to bed X

[NameChange30]

Sounds good! Sleep well

[Kr1stina]

How are you doing this morning ? Did you make to get some sleep ?

You've had some great advice from the lovely women on here . I hope you have a peaceful day today with the kids and can write a " to do " list for this week , including seeing a lawyers and making an appointment with a counsellor / therapist .

And Taking his steps you need to limit all comms with your STBX

I'm sorry he's being such a shit. You don't deserve it , it's not your fault .

[mix56]

I agree, sitting waiting for the next venomous email is self harming. Think of him as a black hole. All consuming. All your energy will get sucked in & only succeed in making it bigger.
He is making these attacks as a bully, but bully's usually are in some kind of pain.
The end goal is detachment, at the moment it's pain, it' will become anger & in the end detachment, so that whatever he says or does runs off you like water off a ducks back. Plus detachment means no screaming down the phone, no livid return emails & no sleepless nights. It takes practise.
Don't reply to all his attacks, let him dig his own grave. its great having all this in writing. Maybe your brother should read them & tell you if there is anything relevant?
Re being a "lazy" Mother. How would he know ? he hasn't done it. It seems easy to most men because we are so frigging organised & good at it, & we do it 18 hours a day without complaining.
It will make you seeth to be undervalued until you can laugh in his face.
I have no idea when he has ordered that the children be told. but I still suggest you do what you feel appropriate if he is working on them. unless you fear for reprisals.

In reality his weapon if finance. You already know you don't need him for anything else. You have been forced to run your family alone for a long time.