I want a quiet life

[chocolatebiscuitsplease]

Hi, I am in a miserable marriage that is on its way out but suspect it's going to be a long and horrible process because my DH is a pig and I just want some friendship/support 😞

[TwoLeftSocks]

Hey, how's it going? Hope you've had/ are having a good Easter hols.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

I like your dad. He's a Mumsnetter!

Hope you get some peace and quiet soon. KOKO.

[TwoLeftSocks]

Your Dad sounds very wise!

Recognise what you say yourself though too, you're always trying to make it right... Some things can never be made right when there are others always trying to make it wrong.

Make it right for you and your children, don't waste your energy on the wrong-uns.

[Imbroglio]

Good advice. (Wish I'd had your dad around when I was busy listening to bullshit with my eyes shut).

You're carrying a heavy load with your kids and everything else, while h=getting it in the neck. So not surprising you feel anxious.

[chocolatebiscuitsplease]

I know I am a sucker for the victim mode all anxious to make it right and apologise, it's our familiar dance but I can't keep it up. My Dear Dad just reminded me that when I was younger he would say 'never listen to what a man says, watch what he does.'

[TwoLeftSocks]

Have you had yet a whole day where you've not interacted with him or read any of his rants? Sounds like you could really do with it, and if you have then have the weekend off. Build up time where he isn't getting to you, it just sounds really wearing.

And if you can't stop yourself from checking then ask a friend to intervene and do something teccy so you can't look.

Hope you've got some nice plans for the weekend.

[Hissy]

The next time he tells you parenting is easy, ask him how e fuck would he know?..

Filter his messages to go to a hidden folder, get your friend to check them.

Ignore, don't engage at all

[chocolatebiscuitsplease]

I know, this morning I wake up to 'fuck off'. How quickly he turns, I think I shall do just that!!

[TwoLeftSocks]

A waistline you can recover.

You don't need anyone to tell you that you can never go back, and how shit it would be if he did 'put you back in your place', and because you know that, you'll get through this. Biscuits will definitely help.

[chocolatebiscuitsplease]

what can I say it's been a half pack of choccie bicky day the waistline is taking a slam but what can I do, give in to his emotional blackmail -I can see that he needs me back in my place so he can merrily go on his way but I refuse (she says reaching for the tin again) more tea??? X

[TwoLeftSocks]

What's that, think I can hear the world's tiniest violin playing for him.

He's just trying any tactic that might vaguely work isn't he. Glad you're staying strong and can see right through him.

[chocolatebiscuitsplease]

I am the constant parent so I deserve maintenance and a home for my DCs. I cannot change locks as he is joint owner. He is a flight risk in that the minute he has a sniff of a good deal he will be off. Today I receive a pitiful one liner about how he has no-one to share his great work experience with and how that hurts him. I told him to go share it with his birth family as they are so special to him - my skin thickens daily with the emotional abuse and now I am supposed to feel GUILTY??

[TwoLeftSocks]

It must be hard realising the man you loved, married and had children with if in fact a bit of an arsehole, and is directing a whole load of unfounded spite towards you. I can see why you're talking it personally, but that's also why you need to protect yourself emotionally too. I hope you're getting some good real life support.

And have you changed your locks? I don't know the legality of locking someone out of their own property, perhaps your solicitor could advise, but if he is threatening to come back home, the last thing you need is for him to be under the same roof.

[TheSparrowhawk]

You have to remember too that he isn't like you. He enjoys yanking your chain - he gets pleasure from it. So, every time he tells you parenting is easy and you look upset that's a great result for him, it lets him know that he's hit his mark and that he should do that again in future.

The only way to deal with people like this is to be totally blank - do not react to anything, positive or negative.

[mix56]

if his deal comes south, it won't be because he was flying home to sort out his marriage anyway !

[ZenNudist]

Hi CBP, only just seen the new thread. Joining in for (chocolate)🍪 and

Please heed the advice to ignore this toss pot. He's turned nasty awfully quickly as soon as you showed a glimmer of resistance. Forget about his family. So they are against you, so what? They are all as bad as each other and you have to know it won't make them happy. No one who spews out that much bile into the world is happy or well adjusted.

Thanks goodness he's nowhere near the dc. There's no way on this earth he would want to take on the burden of raising the dc. It's all very well posturing but I'd bet my house he'd not be able to do what you do. Also I reckon the threats to return are BS. He's been totally against coming back, he's got a sweet deal abroad. He's just trying to scare you. Cut tues and don't give him the power and control he so desperately craves.

Also Yy to getting a very good lawyer. I reckon you can get all of the house as he's too much of a flight risk to pay maintenance and will likely manipulate his accounts to make his business look worthless (this is my area and they all do it).

My next prediction. He's going to be saying you've cost him money with the timing of the divorce. Making up that his deals gone south.

[chocolatebiscuitsplease]

Thank you all this is uplifting and a reminder that of course this was bound to happen. He has told me that his family all think that I am making a fuss about my single parenting that it is 'easy' , that there is 'nothing to it!' i can see now that he is pulling my chain - I had to discuss a kid's issue with him and with my guard down he flew in. As for DCs, SW friend says this will happen, they are missing him and feel safe dumping on me. Lawyer is right, I am going head first in to a shit storm.

[mix56]

choccie, have they been told that you are divorcing? Are they seeing the GP & SIL ? Why ?

I'm sorry that they are being hurtful, altho its the age when they would be doing it to you anyway. Just be true to yourself. Try & get him to have them for a week ! He may not be as "cool" then !
There is nothing you can do to change their adoration of him, with time, he will shoot himself in the foot & they will see him for who he really is.
They know you are not the "Baddy", they do however take their mother for granted (all kids do)

Last news was if "super deal" works out, he could be overseas for another 2 years....so is this all to do with showing he's present in their lives? He will not get custody. Why would he ?
Be strong. there is no real turning back now anyway.
I must admit, at the worst moments in my life, when I thought that my life was caving in, & everything I thought I knew was lost or failing.... In fact, it was just a step, things were worked out, I moved on, adjustments made.
It's easier in retrospect.

[TheSparrowhawk]

You absolutely must disengage with your XH. He can say all the shit he likes but you do not have to listen or respond.

Your children target you because you are there, and you are safe. They know they can express their anger and frustration around you and you will still be there. They paint their dad as being great because they know deep down he's unreliable and so they have to be ok with him because he can and would walk away from them.

It's going to be ok. You don't need to get involved in these mind games. You are a good parent no matter what your twat of an XH or his family says. You do not need to justify one single thing to them. They don't get to criticise you or judge you.

Take a breath and keep your head up. It is hard but you have to detach from these people. They are nothing to you. You tried to make a life with them but they are incapable of that, so you need to accept that and move on. Stop wasting your time trying to make them into decent human beings. It isn't going to happen.

It might be worth having a very honest conversation with your kids to get to the bottom of how they're feeling about all this.

[aginghippy]

Meant to say stbxh is a selfish knob. Feel like I was censored by my browser

[aginghippy]

It doesn't matter what your in-laws think about you, because you don't have to have anything to do with them.

Your stbxh is a selfish and is completely following the selfish script. That's why the solicitor could confidently predict that you are in for a shitstorm, they all do the same thing and she has seen it many times before.

Unfortunately, it's entirely predictable that he will use the dc against you. Any decent parent would be thinking about his children's best interests, which include maintaining good relationships with both parents. That's what you are trying to do. STBXH is not doing this because he only thinks of himself.

The dc know you love them. They know that whatever they do, you will still love them, care for them and support them. Unfortunately, the insults, anger and bad behaviour are part of the process. Just remember that they do it because feel SAFE with you

[Imbroglio]

(What a bunch of tossers!)

How do you know he's saying things to his family?

Why is this getting back to you?

[NameChange30]

To be honest, love, this was inevitable. Throughout your threads it's been clear that he is poisonous and not above manipulating your children and bringing them into the fight. The solicitor also warned you that he would get nasty. You just need to hold your nerve and press ahead with the divorce. Have you got any more solicitor appointments lined up?

[chocolatebiscuitsplease]

No plans have been made but he is busy dismantling my parent skills to his family and possibly our kids. I have been loyal to him to them. I am shocked and hurt and scared.

[Imbroglio]

Well in my experience dads who only want the fun stuff generally pull back from taking actual responsibility, so I doubt he'll be going for custody.

Your kids are not worried about losing you, because you've always been there for them, but they may well be worried about not seeing their dad because - well - they don't see much of him now! They are taking it out on you because they trust you not to let them down, wheras if they are horrible to their dad they may well be scared that they'll lose him.

Are there any plans for him to have the children in the holidays? If not - could you propose this now on the basis that they need to spend time with him? And no less than a whole week.