Welcome to the House of Fun (and positivity!) - It's dating thread 100

[IToldYouIWasFreaky]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

Do you mean they had one date booked for 6pm-8pm and another for 8pm-10pm? And then cancelled the later date because the earlier one was going well? That's very efficient of them (only one babysitter needed) but probably likely to end badly. If I cancel my 8pm date because my 6pm date was going well, I'm investing a lot in my earlier date. If I later decide that early date is not for me, I've "wasted" later date man.

It's VERY RUDE to cancel on someone without much warning - they may have spent money or foregone other opportunities in order to make the date with you. (babysitters, transport, overtime, doing fun things with friends, etc)

It's also not what happened to me - I was cancelled the day before, not on the same evening.

I would also not initiate or encourage a conversation with anyone if I had already arranged to meet someone else.

That's your choice, but you should be aware that many people choose differently, and they are not necessarily wrong or immoral to have made a different choice.

Re dating multiple people until you have the exclusivity chat with the one you like is I think the best way to retain some sanity when OLD.

I started out the same as you Phantasm and it does not work. Unless you can move on very easily once rejected AND you do not invest too much in your dates. Or maybe it is just me who is just nuts clearly failing on the latter

Cancelling though is plain rude, unless you have a valid reason.

Quick question : do you also stop messaging/go quieter once a woman has agreed to go on a date with you? If so, why? (Sorry I need to get to the bottom of this)

Both my recent cancellations were on the day of the meeting, and both had been arranged several days previously. Both were also cancelled by text, and we had continued to chat online in the days between arranging and the due meeting

Yes it is my choice, I object to someone agreeing to meet someone, then get to know and arrange to meet me without saying so. Why not wait for your arranged date first, see how it goes, and if not too well, arrange to meet the second. What is wrong with that? It is certainly better than cancelling a meeting arranged days earlier on the day it is taking place.

Where do you draw the line? Have a date go ok, agree on a second, but in the meantime arrange a date with someone else to see if they are any better? I admit my rules to myself are very strict, in as much as I do not talk to more than one person at a time, and I accept others will not be the same, but doubling up on dates and cancelling very late really irritates me.

Jolly, your post came in while I was writing mine, but I think I have answered you.

interesting to read the responses, and I admit maybe I am a little old fashioned. I am not going to change, but i think my attitude should soften a little, but NOT towards last minute cancellations due to another date being arranged.

I don't think you have answered. The question was - once you have a date arranged, do you go quieter?

If you were messaging someone multiple times a day and having multi-message conversations, once you have a date in the diary do you continue with the same level of messaging or do you think "messaging has done its job, I'll see her on Tuesday" and become quieter?

The conversations carry on with the same frequency as before.

No I do not go quieter.

You said this happened to you. Did you go quieter?

It was Jolly's question - I was just clarifying.

Damm. I am really getting defective irons. Am suing Tinder for negligent infliction of emotional distress (Waving, you in? though I guess you do not have much of case now that MTG has come along..)

What I call multi dating Phantasm is not seeing everyone with a view of finding someone better. I do not double book and I certainly do not cancel last minute. I am just keeping my options open and I enjoy meeting different guys.

Thanks Trills!

I suspect that not everyone thinks that chatting on the internet is a real thing.

I do. You do. We wouldn't be here if we didn't.

But some people probably think it's an onerous task that they must complete in order to meet people.

So once they have a meeting booked they heave sigh of relief that they don't have to do it any more.

Maybe if you got on, they would be more chatty again once they really knew you.

Maybe they would never ever be chatty because that's not what they are like.

But for now they have achieved what they needed to and they are going to do the minimum necessary because they don't like chatting to people they've not met (or possibly at all).

i am not interested in dating for a bit. My life has been truly horrible the past couple of years, but things look like they are changing, and some long term hopes are maybe going to happen. One of these is to move away from the south east to possibly Yorkshire, and start up a business idea I have (it was researching this that led me to this forum in a roundabout way). Therefore I am not in a position to meet anyone until the future is more certain, no way do I meet someone when I know I will likely move away in a few months, and I NEVER do one nighters.

I posted here because it was interesting and informative to get the views of others.

Ugh I feel so demoralised. My best friend is really tall and skinny and pretty and gets all the attention on nights out and now a load of guys from work (we work together) have started adding her on fb and messaging her. I just feel like the ugly pal. Turned off Tinder the other day cos I'm not getting any matches. I still have one guy messaging occasionally. That might turn out okay. I honestly don't think I'm that hideous but wtf? I feel like utter shit.

Yes you are right Trills. I guess it is the "done deal" vibe of it all that is pissing me off.

Sounds tough Ash rest assured not all guys like tall skinny women you'll find the right guy soon:)

I think the question about some texts stopping before dates is simply down to the person you happen to be chatting too at that time I don't think its a guy thing at all.

Yeah I think CiaoVerona is right, I think if messaging stops once the date is arranged it's because that particular person finds Internet messaging a bit alien and a chore. And not necessarily because they are holding back. I don't mind it - except for the fact that if makes me wonder if they've changed their mind about meeting. Also some people message loads (like me) and need the banter. And others don't.

I have my first date tonight! Unless he cancels, which judging by other people's experiences, seems a real possibility! We started chatting on-line a few days ago and have been texting for the last 2 days, and arranged our date yesterday afternoon. Loads of texts last night, initially about the football we were both watching, but then it somehow ended up as a bit of a sexting exchange. All very nice, and we've both been clear that we're not after quick sex so the sexting wasn't "real".
So now I'm wondering - does sexting count as serving up moose burgers?! Have I committed a dating crime before I've even started?
I've already had a good morning text from another man I've been chatting to, but I'm way less interested in him.

I'm determined to stay away from POF today because I don't want to see date-man's name on there!

Hi All,
Have been stalking the thread for a while and feel I can now offer a valuable male perspective re 'going quiet, once a date is arranged '.
For many Men and not wanting to generalise but there are differences between the sexes. Men will typically message to make plans etc, once the plan is made, additional messaging may seem unnecessary.
Absolutely nothing to do with how we feel about the person we have agreed to meet.
Very grateful to this thread for accelerating me through the OLD learning curve.
Best wishes to all!

Two dates today, then - Anna and Jolly

I don't think the sexting necessarily counts as a Mooseburger, Jolly especially since you both clarified your stance re IDWAR. All good - does this iron have a name?

Eek - Enjoy!

I don't want to tempt fate so I won't give him a name until we've actually been on the date!

I have a date on Tuesday - only started chatting to him yesterday, so that was quick. Haven't heard a thing since we set up the date. A couple of texts between now and Tuesday would be good! Although I do get that he thinks it's sorted, and he's seeing me soon.

And I have two 'penpals' - not sure either are going anywhere, but the chatting is fun.

MrM has been back in the country since Friday. I've heard nothing from him, so I'm just going to leave it. He has my number, so it's easy enough for him to get in touch, so he obviously doesn't want to.

In other news,

Gah!! Posting on phone, sorry.

Yes, other news, have been feeling really not that well for a couple of weeks, and my GP has done some blood tests. I'm going to try and rest for the next couple of days, and keep away from checking out the dating sites. Will be checking the thread, though!

Hey guys

I had two dates set up for today, both have flaked on me. One I was going cancel on anyway! but the other tiny bit disappointed in as would been a second date but don't think it would led anywhere with him long term.

I set up a date with someone else Mr Teacher BUT because I didn't reply back to his message last night confirming plans, he told me this morning he has made other plans. Fair play to him, I don't like it either when people leave it to the day to message about times/places etc. He suggested rescheduling for the week but now I am alone today! but quite looking forward to it, going just eat junk food and relax.

Jolly have fun today!

To Jollyphonics in my opinion a bit of light hearted risque banter is fine, it really is down to your own feelings about how the person you are texting/messaging will react. I am a serial banterer, I love it all, and as long as both parties realise it is nothing serious, you should be fine.