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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

would you?

552 replies

hurtandconfued2016 · 15/03/2016 22:48

Just wondering my ex asked (more like demanded) me today when we where registering our daughter when he could see the kids again. Hasn't seen our son in a month and only met his daughter today (2 weeks old). I said that he couldn't take new baby away on his own I would need to be there whilst he is seeing her. He went mental at me and has now not bothered to make plans to see them tomorrow.
My question is would you give your 2 week old away for hours? I suggested going to soft play or something and we could rotate with the kids so we didn't have to sit near each other but he said no to that too..

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 05/04/2016 08:58

He puts you down and makes you feel worthless in order to control you, to make you not feel worthy enough to ask or expect anything from him. It's all bullying and control and he has no respect for you.

He is the one with the problem, not you.

You must take care of yourself and if you really want him to regret this one day then become a strong confident woman.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 05/04/2016 17:17

Sorry ladies had an absolutely horrible day yesterday! Was feeling very crap and low.

Across - if I asked him to leave me alone he would take me to court he said for full custody and I couldn't have my kids taken away.
With my dad having a word with him any time I see him or my dad sees him he has his dad with him (his dad wouldn't think twice about hitting someone). I have just been up to my house and his parents have emptied even more stuff from it!
Iam - in front of him I am a strong woman talk about my life and how great it is and how I'm looking after myself and everything it just seems when I come home I'm a mess!

OP posts:
Ledkr · 05/04/2016 17:20

How are they getting into your house love?

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 05/04/2016 17:23

He's given his key over he wants nothing to do with the house and doesn't want to step foot in it

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 05/04/2016 17:26

He won't get residency of the children, he won't even want it - he can't be bothered spending a couple of hours with them FFS

BonitaFangita · 05/04/2016 18:03

This man is a nightmare and did you a favour by walking out, one day you'll realise that.
You must be feeling very low and stressed out at the moment, but take each day at a time and it will get better.
He won't get full custody (and wouldn't even want it) this is just more threats and game playing. Can you reduce contact to just emails, I think it would help you a great deal if you have minimal to no contact. Discuss the kids either via email or third party and don't get involved in anything else, it's harming your health.
Have faith in yourself, you can get through this and come out a stronger person

Ledkr · 05/04/2016 18:09

So how come his parents are there jacking it up?

Don't let these twats walk over you a minute longer, how fucking dare they? And no he has no chance of residency whatsoever and given what you have just said about his parents I'd sack them off too, they don't deserve their grandchildren and you have been so reasonable so far.

Ledkr · 05/04/2016 18:10

Get the locks changed, if you can't afford it I'll bloody pay, don't let them take your stuff.

summerwinterton · 05/04/2016 18:13

They all threaten to go for custody - it is a load of rubbish designed to terrify you, and it has worked well hasn't it. He will not get it, nor does he want it. No lawyer would advise him to try for it either, unless you were a woeful, neglectful mother.

I would tell him to see you in court, stop his parents being in your house and block the lot of them from contacting you unless it is via a lawyer. This has to stop.

Iamdobby63 · 05/04/2016 18:23

When you say he has given his key over do you mean to you or to his parents?

Please don't worry about him going for full custody, it's a threat in order to bully you into complying with whatever he wants.

I'm so glad you put on a brave face in front of him, I just wish you could see what we see the rest of the time. You will get there.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 05/04/2016 18:41

Bonitia - just now I can't have nc with him completely I don't trust him with my 5 week old. The contact we go through his dad just now.
Ledkr - his parents are pushing to sell it (they gave us 5000 as a present) and they aren't happy he is paying half the mortgage (he pays the full 400 mortgage but doesn't give me anything for the kids) they have emptied all my kitchen cupboards and dismantled my bed.
Iam - he has given his key over to his parents he has said he wants nothing more to do with it! Also thanks for the last part I will see one day that I'm not tell bad guy and will show him my babies will still have the life they deserve!
Summer - the threat of taken me to court in a way makes me laugh because he reduced his days because it's inconvenient for him to drive 10 mins to pick them up.

OP posts:
clashofclanswidow · 05/04/2016 18:50

Do his parents know your position on the house?!

They could just be acting on "golden sons" words - if he's said you've moved out and he's not bothered if it's sold, they might think they're doing you a favour in dealing with it, seeing how you've just had their Grandchild?

If you're speaking with them, just send them a message...

"Hi, bit surprised to visit my house today to find it further empty of things?! Appreciate you might be trying to help things along...but as those are my possession in my property, please refrain from interfering anymore in matters regarding the house! Your Son should have already made you aware my Solicitor is involved here and this is a legal matter. I have already said this in the past and expect to have my request heard, thank you!"

Polite but to the point. Sometimes you gotta be blunt! xx

clashofclanswidow · 05/04/2016 18:51

Plus it sounds a bit better than "stay the f**k out of my house" Grin xx

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 05/04/2016 18:52

Yes they know clash - they asked me the day I had baby in the hospital and only again the other day I said to them I am waiting to see the lawyer about money and finances to see if I will be able to keep it on

OP posts:
clashofclanswidow · 05/04/2016 18:57

Oh my word! How rude they are trying to empty it if you've told them you might be trying to keep it on!

Definitely message them and tell them to back off. That's like stealing!!

BonitaFangita · 05/04/2016 18:58

I'm livid on your behalf!Angry who do these people think they are? They don't care one jot about the children or you. Selfish bastards!!

Iamdobby63 · 05/04/2016 19:08

OMG! Did they not even tell you they were going around to take stuff from your home?

Do they think you are going to stay at your parent indefinitely? Like their son they seem to want you to fall in line with whatever they decide. You must politely ask them not to remove anything else from your home.

I know it's costly but your solicitor needs to be dealing with the financial/house matters asap. Get him/her to get a letter off regarding them removing your belongings. I don't know where you stand financially but he needs to do his part and help put a roof over their heads. Has your solicitor discussed this with you.

Time to get this sorted and then you can start moving forward with your life.

summerwinterton · 05/04/2016 19:17

Bloody hell - I would stop all contact with anyone until he sorts out contact via court. Sod doing anything via his parents. They are as bad as him. And I know you are not meant to but I would be v tempted to 'lose' my own keys and then have to change the locks. How bloody dare they come in when you are not there. I would want to tell the bloody police.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 05/04/2016 19:21

No I went up one night to get gas/electric meter readings and his dad was there. Turns out they had put the heating on full (I pay the gas and electric) this was before I had baby. I thought they might have just been taking his stuff but then my mum went up a few days before I had baby and they had emptied most of the stuff. Then when they came to the hospital they said they where doing it up to sell it so they could get the 5k back and also they are taking the couches that they bough us for Christmas for his sister.
I hadn't discussed the house with the lawyer yet because my main focus was the kids (little good that did). But she but in my letter sent in Feb that I wasn't 100% selling the house.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 05/04/2016 19:28

I am stunned! Literally reading your words with my mouth open is utter disbelief.

At least we know know where their son gets his controlling nature from. Damn.

Your solicitor needs to send a letter, this is ridiculous. Just because they have the keys doesn't mean they can just take stuff, and a present is a present.

You need to do a list of everything they have taken.

So do you now not have a sofa or a bed?

Iamdobby63 · 05/04/2016 19:30

And another thing, even if you did want to sell its not up to them to decide who gets what! Bloody cheek.

summerwinterton · 05/04/2016 19:34

Can you change the locks?

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 05/04/2016 19:45

I am - yes It now means I won't have a sofa or bed! They said they are emptying it so he doesn't have to pay the council tax. (He pays mortgage and council tax I pay gas/electric and insurance and everything for the kids with no money from him) they are pushing this so that he can have "a life" that is their words and his! They think because he wants nothing to do with the house they can take over
Summer - I can change them but would need to give him a key because it's his house too!

OP posts:
PhoenixReisling · 05/04/2016 19:53

You need to see your SHL pronto and ask that they send his parents a letter....they are in effect stealing from your property. In the meantime, send them that text upthread maybe log it with the police also.

Do you think that they think that you are not entitled to 50% of the equity in the house....even though your name is on the deeds? I ask as they dam well are acting like this.

Can you not move back again soon? This would stop all the shenanigans of them taking things....

Ignore the threats of custody, he can't even be bothered to see them now let alone have them live with him permanently. I would begin a paper/electronic trail, documenting when/for how long he has had contact with his children.

Also, I would be findimg out if I had any benefits/tax credits that I could claim for and I would also contact the CMS re: his payments to you.

PhoenixReisling · 05/04/2016 19:56

Also, due to the behaviour of his parents.....I would stop going to their house to facilitate contact for him and them.

If he wants to see them, he will have to go to your parents house...on his own.