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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

would you?

552 replies

hurtandconfued2016 · 15/03/2016 22:48

Just wondering my ex asked (more like demanded) me today when we where registering our daughter when he could see the kids again. Hasn't seen our son in a month and only met his daughter today (2 weeks old). I said that he couldn't take new baby away on his own I would need to be there whilst he is seeing her. He went mental at me and has now not bothered to make plans to see them tomorrow.
My question is would you give your 2 week old away for hours? I suggested going to soft play or something and we could rotate with the kids so we didn't have to sit near each other but he said no to that too..

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 03/04/2016 13:29

No. Why would you think that you were unfair? He is their father isn't he? Doesn't that make him the obvious first choice?

He has made you feel so crap about yourself that you are doubting everything.

KittyWindbag · 03/04/2016 13:52

I'm so sorry to read about your poor health OP. Now you really must start heeding people's advice and stop contacting him, I'm worried about what all this stress is doing to you.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I don't see at all why you still want him in your children's lives. All it's going to do is teach them disappointment and instability. Sounds like he has to earn the right to be in their lives by CHOOSING to be there and be active rather than being chased and nagged by you and his mother. His presence, or the promise of his presence, peppered with so many let-downs and last minute fails is not going to be good for your children, I guarantee you.

Please take care of yourself. I wish you all the best.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/04/2016 14:33

Unreasonable? Not exactly. But unrealistic, probably. And remember, as our parents told us 'life isn't fair'.

We should be able to depend on others to fulfill their responsibilities. We should be able to, but we can't always. But when we can't, it's best not to try and force that useless person into doing what they ought. All it usually does is end up in frustration, disappointment, and last minute scrabbling to find someone else to do what the useless person should be doing. Far better for one's own peace of mind to just cut them out of the equation in the first place. It'll save you lots of heartache.

This is why many people on MN urge others to LTB in cases where, even though their partner is 'OK' in other respects, they refuse to pull their weight in childcare and/or housework. Because it's actually easier to do it all on your own (with outside help) than it is to try and force someone to help out or o suffer the frustration of doing it all yourself whilst you watch that person sitting on the sofa playing games (or with their phones).

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 03/04/2016 15:27

I was just thinking is 9 hrs enough notice is it my fault he couldn't do it?
Kitty - I am going to councilling at the moment because I'm not doing too good.
Across - he was like that when we where together I would come home from work clean the house make the dinner deal with our son and he would sit on the iPad or phone :/ I just keep blaming myself for the way he is

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 03/04/2016 15:46

Well he has text me asking if we can carry on the plans we had for him to see the kids as he can't afford to go to court :/ this has completely thrown me now

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 03/04/2016 16:00

Did he ask how you were in the text? Whether you need help with the children today?

Emergencies happen, they are not planned. He had plenty of notice but only cared about his plans, really surprised his parents didn't step up, thank goodness for your family!

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 03/04/2016 16:05

I am - not a question at all he hasn't even asked if I am out or what! Hasn't asked if I needs help even though he is off work! He is telling me that when emergencies happen he can't drop everything so I said when he is unable to look after the kids due to sickness I have to say tuff I can't help?

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 03/04/2016 16:21

Just ignore him in that case, don't bother replying.

Difference is that you wouldn't do that, you would be understanding that these things happen - you would change your plans for your children.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 03/04/2016 16:42

Yeah he said he is taken me to court now....

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 03/04/2016 17:42

About time he made an effort! Don't worry about it, it's a long way off. How are you doing now?

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 03/04/2016 17:58

The sad thing is if he said look I'm sorry I should have helped that wold have been it! I would reconsider discussing things with him!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 03/04/2016 21:43

Let him threaten to take you to court. He won't, especially if you leave an open door for his parents to see the children. I have a feeling the 'court threat' is the direct result of his parents fearing that they won't see the children.

Either don't respond, or respond "I'm too ill to think about this right now".

KittyWindbag · 04/04/2016 03:57

he is bullshitting you, and if he really does plan on taking you to court then he's a moron because they will take a very dim view of his behaviour of recent weeks.

Iamdobby63 · 04/04/2016 18:41

How are you feeling now, are you home from the hospital?

BonitaFangita · 04/04/2016 18:50

I'm sorry you're in such a bad way, I know its difficult but please try to ignore him, he's playing you like a fiddle. One day he can't afford to go to court, the next day he's threatening to take you to court no wonder you're so stressed out.
I think as a pp has commented he's trying to slip out of your lives but is afraid of his parents.
Now you are starting to see him for who he really is, he's not such a great loss.
Please try to look after yourself and don't worry about his needs Flowers

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 04/04/2016 19:18

Hi everyone sorry I got out of hospital late last night so spent the day hugging my little ones tight!
We ended up arguing most of the night last night he said he wasn't receiving my emails (how convenient)
He hasn't replied to my last text and he also never asked if I was still in hospital or anything like that till I text him saying about how he doesn't care where his children are and he was like we'll how was I to know you where in hospital? I said ask? And he was like we'll why didn't you tell me! Yet only a week ago he told me he doesn't want to know anything about my life!!

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 04/04/2016 19:25

Well he knew you were in hospital when he dropped DS off at your Dads, and that was the last thing he knew. He should have followed up by checking that you were out of hospital and that your family were OK to look after the children.

He knows he has messed up.

How are you health wise? I am worried about the effect of all this stress on you.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 04/04/2016 19:54

He said I should have told him! I don't think he actually cares Wether his family where okay and as for me he said yesterday he couldn't care less about my health.
Erm health wish not very good. I got weighed yesterday for the first time since having baby and I'm 3 1/2 stone lighter than I was before he left. I struggle to eat I just don't want food if it wasn't for my parents going on at me I wouldn't eat I go days just drinking milk (it kills the heartburn) and lying to my family about how much I'm eating. I'm trying stay out the house as much as possible too I just want to keep walking or doing exercise in my head I keep thinking if I get skinny (his new gf is so slim) maybe he will regret everything he has done!

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 04/04/2016 20:02

Even if he ends up regretting it it doesn't remove the fact that he was capable of treating you with such utter contempt. Therefore he would always be capable of doing it again.

It's no life for you and you deserve more.

How your health is effects the care of your children so, whilst he may not care how your health is as such he should care about whether his children need him.

You are heading for an eating disorder, you must take care of yourself, having a stronger body will help you having a stronger mind.

Stop arguing with him, it's only giving him the opportunity to rubbish you further.

I hope one day he does regret it and I hope when that day comes you would not entertain him if he was the last man on earth.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 04/04/2016 20:20

I know this but all I have in my head is no one is going to want a 26 year old with 2 young children.
I want that family unit for my kids I miss having someone to talk to 24/7.
With the eating disorder I know this is happening and I think my family have noticed it especially my sister but when I eat I feel sick after it! I have started trying to do slimming world again the past 2 days but I eat and then I'm sick or a get angry and upset with myself for eating.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 04/04/2016 20:33

I understand but in all honesty has he gone from hero to zero that quickly?

You say you want the family unit and that's understandable but you missed out the word 'happy' and that is something you will not get from him, so having him back may give you a unit but is highly unlikely to be a happy one. Even if he suddenly has a change of heart and becomes all that you wish for there will come a time that you resent him for all this hurt he has caused you and spoiling the birth of your daughter.

There are lots of single mothers out there who have gone on to have happy second relationships. It's not him or no one.

Re your eating, please eat something small every couple of hours, just a biscuit if you can't manage anything else. Do you actually have weight to lose from having your daughter or is this just how you are viewing yourself right now?

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 04/04/2016 20:40

I hadn't put on any weight when I went in to have baby (lost nearly a stone when he left). I am overweight I have never been skinny but when I look at myself it repulses me especially because I seen his new gf and she's a stick! In my head I think maybe if I was that skinny he wouldn't have left my kids.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 04/04/2016 20:47

It's not that, I guarantee it.

How he has treated you has affected how you are viewing yourself. If you want to lose a bit do it if it makes you feel more positive about yourself, don't lose weight for him. He has constantly been putting you down and now you don't think much of yourself, you are doubting whether your opinions and feelings are valid and you have taken your split on board as there must be something wrong with you.

None of this is the case.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 04/04/2016 22:05

I really have... I blame myself for him not being in the kids life's. Maybe I was such a terrible partner he had to cheat.. I am just feeling crap

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 05/04/2016 00:42

Don't answer the phone, don't answer texts, don't answer emails. Nothing good can come of engaging with him. He's like a one trick pony and his trick is 'it's all your fault'. Why put yourself through that? Please, please, stop talking to him.

Focus on yourself and your children. You need time to heal physically and mentally and you can't do that if you're letting him tear your emotions into pieces. Put layers between you and him. Let the solicitors handle things.

Just a thought. If you think he won't listen to you if you tell him to leave you alone, do you think your dad could put the fear of God into him? He seems to be such a damned coward that I thought maybe another man might be able to scare him.

None of this is your fault. HE cheated. HE left. HE broke faith. But he's such an immature man-child that he's mentally unable to accept any blame. And so, bastard that he is he turns on the truly innocent party, you.