Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

would you?

552 replies

hurtandconfued2016 · 15/03/2016 22:48

Just wondering my ex asked (more like demanded) me today when we where registering our daughter when he could see the kids again. Hasn't seen our son in a month and only met his daughter today (2 weeks old). I said that he couldn't take new baby away on his own I would need to be there whilst he is seeing her. He went mental at me and has now not bothered to make plans to see them tomorrow.
My question is would you give your 2 week old away for hours? I suggested going to soft play or something and we could rotate with the kids so we didn't have to sit near each other but he said no to that too..

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 21/04/2016 15:35

Your solicitor does sound good! Brace yourself in case he decides to be super shitty when he has received it.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 21/04/2016 15:45

Yes he pick up put son on Sat so I'm sure he will say something.
But there our baby had hospital yesterday has he asked how it went? NO!!!!
But any way put my name down for some council houses today registered my son for nursery...
I'M BACK :)

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 21/04/2016 16:18

You certainly are!

Remember that no matter what he says, do NOT rise to it. Just reiterate that everything needs to go through the lawyers now. Remember that everything and anything you say will be twisted or changed by him to use against you.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 22/04/2016 15:57

Across I know I have told my lawyer everything I have said even the bad stuff (calling him a child ) . I am absolutely dreading seeing him tomorrow! That's if he is actually coming as I haven't heard from him in oer a week!

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 22/04/2016 17:55

If he comes then just ignore anything he says, don't rise to it.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/04/2016 19:09

Yep, just like dobby says. Ignore him as you would the rantings of a tantrumming toddler. Remember that everything he says is calculated to get a rise out of you so he can justify himself and his behaviour.

Of course, there's nothing intrinsically wrong with a good eye roll and heaving a sigh. Just don't say anything! Grin

Iamdobby63 · 22/04/2016 19:26

And don't take anything to heart or doubt yourself.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 22/04/2016 20:24

Haha thanks :) I am good at the eye rolling..
I imagine the fact he has received the letter he will not speak two words to me (one can hope can't they)
My problem is I need to tell him to get a bed for our son as it's causing problems when he comes home but I think I will just wait and get the lawyer to put it in a letter

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 22/04/2016 22:24

Say nothing. It'll only give him time to think up an excuse or a reason that it's unreasonable for you to expect him to get a bed. Let the lawyers handle it. I know there's upset when DS comes home, but in the long run I think you'll be better served by letting the issue be part of the overall child access agreement.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 23/04/2016 11:02

Well he came and got our son.... well he stood at the car and sent his father in to get him!
I never knew he was such a man child!!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 23/04/2016 13:22

At this point I think as long as his dad can be polite it's not a bad thing his dad acts as go-between. The less you have to say to Mr Tittybaby the better!

But again, remember that his parents are NOT your friends. So don't engage in anything other than small talk with them. Anything you say to them will go directly to him, and his lawyer.

StuckMelia · 23/04/2016 13:49

No, not unless I'm there. But if not, NO WAY!

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 23/04/2016 15:46

Well I said hello to his dad his dad then looked at him and he didn't reply.....

Yeah I am done trying to communicate with them too it can all be legal now I can't do it emotionally or physically anymore

OP posts:
Ledkr · 23/04/2016 16:18

Can see where knobhead gets his childishness now can't you?

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 23/04/2016 19:13

Definitely having a crap time tonight he has our son my parents have the baby and me I have no plans :( so means I just end up sitting thinking about all the crap

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 23/04/2016 19:18

Ignore his Dad, the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Sorry you have no plans. Why not just take time for yourself, a nice soak in the bath, a pedicure, facial maybe. Just don't focus on all this, if you do think of it then look to a time everything is settled.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/04/2016 22:55

Just going to say what dobby said but am going to add 'watch crap TV and read crap magazines'. It's my fav thing to do when DH is gone.

If that doesn't work for you, is there a closet that needs cleaning or ingredients in the cupboards for a complicated main dish or pudding?

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 24/04/2016 12:10

Well I had some wine watched some crap TV and filled out applications for nursery and the housing.
Think I was just having wee low night but has been my first in a while. So today I got up early and went shopping for something new to wear for a night out next week. I'm trying to keep busy all the time even tried to re join the gym last night but they said I have to wait until I'm 10 weeks after section :(

OP posts:
Ledkr · 24/04/2016 12:27

Like most people you will have highs and lows and there's nothing worse than sitting alone on a Saturday night when you are down anyway.
When I was on my own I used to get really big slumps in mood and the gym helped but sometimes I learned that they would pass and that I just had to ride them out. Being tired made them worse and having a few plans made me feel better.
I became an expert in planning things to do which is gret now as dh works lots of weekend so I have to find entertainment.
I go to anything free, next week d it's the Jazz festival and even though I have no interest in jazz, I will cycle down with the dds and sit on a blanket listen to the bands and have a picnic.
Have you friends with kids?

AcrossthePond55 · 24/04/2016 16:46

Very true Ledkr. But the positive thought is that the lows become less and less as time passes and you find things, things that are meaningful to you, to take up your attention.

I think, unfortunately, when we're in a relationship our partner takes up much of our 'headspace'. Even in a good relationship this is true, that's why being widowed is so painful, I suppose. But at least with a good relationship there are good memories to fill some of the holes. When one has a bad breakup (as we've all had I'm sure) the good memories are just as painful as the bad. That's why it's so important to keep a bit of ourselves for ourselves no matter what.

You'll get there hurt, you'll find 'you' again.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 24/04/2016 17:44

Ledkr - my main person with kids is my sister. I have just got back in touch with a few friends who has friends.
So trying to get my self back a little I'm having a okay day.
It was my first low day in a while think it might have been because he picked up our son.
I'm trying to get everything sorted so me and the kids can get our own house and start living again!

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 24/04/2016 21:43

So peed off so again him and his dad brought our son home. He stood at his car and his dad brought him in. Didn't tell me if he had been fed or anything just handed me the bag and said bye buddy! Even ignored my hello. Why do they have to make things even harder this is making me want to change it to a contact centre so I don't have to deal with any of his family!

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 25/04/2016 10:16

It's just how they are going to be with you for awhile because you are not playing by their rules, ie only come out from under your rock to be verbally insulted and abused when it suits them.

Just ignore it, yes it's unfair and unjust but isn't going to prevent you from moving forward. Don't let them see it bothers you, rise above it.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/04/2016 19:56

I think I've said before that a contact centre wouldn't be a bad thing.

If his family cannot even manage a brief 'report' at drop off as to when DS last ate and/or if he had a nap, that's pretty pathetic. Let alone not being able to utter a brief 'hello/goodbye'! But I'm pretty sure his dad was that way because he told him not to talk to you. He really seems to have both of his parents by the short hairs. Foolish really, because when you think about it keeping on your good side would result in them being able to see both children more often. I don't have GC yet, but if I was in their shoes, that would be what I felt was the most important; to stay in my DGC's lives!

But, it is what it is. Just learn to shrug and shake it off. In the long run they are the ones who will lose out. Your children will get plenty of love from you and your family.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 26/04/2016 20:17

I am seriously considering a contact centre. It would mean I don't have a night without my son but my parents have offered to have the 2 kids for a night to let me go out or just rest really. I just don't think me even seeing him for 5 mins once a week is helping me with my recovery. I had been so positive until they came over and that night I really struggled.
I have the councilor tomorrow so will discuss ss and contacr centres with her and see what she thinks.
I went today and sorted out my sons nursery and applied for more houses. The health visitor is writing letter for me to back my application as my dad is getting a lot worse and having the 2 little ones running around could cause and accident he has been told if he falls 1 more time he will be paralysed so really need my own place now.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread