Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

would you?

552 replies

hurtandconfued2016 · 15/03/2016 22:48

Just wondering my ex asked (more like demanded) me today when we where registering our daughter when he could see the kids again. Hasn't seen our son in a month and only met his daughter today (2 weeks old). I said that he couldn't take new baby away on his own I would need to be there whilst he is seeing her. He went mental at me and has now not bothered to make plans to see them tomorrow.
My question is would you give your 2 week old away for hours? I suggested going to soft play or something and we could rotate with the kids so we didn't have to sit near each other but he said no to that too..

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 12/04/2016 12:36

Some practical advice can be done and the OP has done that, ie solicitor appt, putting her foot down on access under his terms for the baby etc., unfortunately some can't ie change of locks.

I think the OP has needed a gentle hand hold and guidance through this as she has clearly had years of put downs which has lead to self doubt and has only recently given birth.

Iamdobby63 · 12/04/2016 12:39

Well it doesn't matter what he thinks you should think, as a mother you wish to say goodnight to him, I'm sure you wouldn't stop your ex saying goodnight if he wanted to.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 12/04/2016 12:50

Iam- even when he left I would allow him to come to the house if he wanted to put him to bed or facetime him to say goodnight but because this is the other way around he isn't happy. As for your first post you are 100% correct since he left he has never said one positive thing about me I'm regards to what ti am doing for the kids! I'm a bad mother I'm not thinking of the kids. Also against me as a person and the way I look and it has killed me!

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 12/04/2016 13:46

That's nice but don't go that far! Lol You don't want him coming and going as he pleases.

You hit the nail on the head 'because it's the other way around' - it's all about keeping you in place and making you feel like you have no control or choice.

The things he has said to you and how he has treated you since he left is disgusting, and it's made all the worse by the fact you were pregnant/just given birth and vulnerable.

See his games for what they are and don't doubt yourself.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/04/2016 16:06

No, you don't have to trust that he's changed. You don't have to trust anything he says. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are that he doesn't provide any of the physical care for his son, his mother does. He virtually ignores him. So if his mother isn't there to provide the basic care a child needs (nappy changes, suitable meals, safety supervision) then you cannot trust that your child will be cared for correctly, even in a minimal fashion. Honestly, unless he can prove to you that there will be a responsible person there, I wouldn't send DS.

Let the courts work it out. Keep a diary of everything, but be sure you are dealing ONLY in FACTS. Do not include your feelings or make emotional statements about him. "XXX returned DS with dirty nappy, DS very hungry, ate 3 sandwiches and big glass of milk", not "That bastard returned DS with a filthy nappy and must have starved him because he ate like a horse". See the difference?

You are NOT a bad mother. What you are doing is allowing him to get in your head. I know there are still feelings there for him, feelings that are slowing turning from love to hate. But what you need is indifference. You must cease to care what he thinks of you.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 12/04/2016 21:36

Iam - well I tried to call him tonight and no answer! I text his dad to see if my son was okay and I couldn't get a hold of him and he said my son was sleeping so didn't see the point in answering..
Across - yeah that love i had for him is turning into hate more and more!!
Well I went out tonight and bought myself a car for me and the kids! Now I can drive again we can have freedom of doing things without other people! I am very excited and happy about it

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 12/04/2016 21:37

With regards to the diary thing I went back through every text I have sent my sister about his late keeping and watching of the children and recorded it. I was sending her texts every time something happened so I had it in record and could access it again.

OP posts:
2ManySweets · 12/04/2016 21:39

👏 on the car x

AcrossthePond55 · 13/04/2016 00:55

GOOD! Now you can be independent. Now when he wants to rock up at the last minute or jerk you around, you can tell him you already have plans, pack up the car and go somewhere else. Now YOU can set the place and time and it'll be up to HIM to find his way there instead of you being dependent on his parent to bring you to and fro.

Iamdobby63 · 13/04/2016 09:04

Nrxt time try and arrange a set time to call. He only needs to mess you around for so long then you will snap.

Great news on the car!

How did you get on with the health visitor?

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 13/04/2016 16:46

I'm so excited to get my new car :) it has already caused an argument with ex!
Health visitor done baby check but wouldn't do my pnd check as she is still very worried about me. She is coming back out next week to see me and the kids.
She wasn't very happy when I said the councilor wanted to get ss involved.
But baby is doing great putting on a lot of weight and very healthy :)

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 13/04/2016 16:58

How did it cause an argument with him? It's none of his business what you buy or do, is it?

Glad Baby is doing well!

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 13/04/2016 17:39

He said it must be great to have money to spend! Just his usual crap really

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 13/04/2016 17:42

I'm hoping the health visitor ups the support for you, I had a stressful time when my daughter was born and mine was such a fantastic support, she was realistic and didn't make me feel like I was failing if I wasn't Wonder Woman.

So glad your daughter is doing so well.

I laughed at your ex's reaction to you getting a car, not happy with you having some independence. As Across said, it's got nothing to do with him.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/04/2016 20:39

What a jerk! Just give your shoulders a good shake and let it roll off. Begin to behave with indifference and soon it will be all you feel for him. Don't let him get a rise out of you. What he thinks, is, and does is no longer important to your life, and the lives of your children.

Yes, as Iam says, let the health visitor get whatever support she can for you in line. There's nothing wrong with letting others shoulder a bit of the load.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 14/04/2016 11:02

I've been reading your other threads op and see he's still being a prick. Glad you're starting to get angry. Fuck him- he's a useless father.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 14/04/2016 11:33

Hey everyone sorry having a terrible night with son last night!

Wouldn't settle in his bed (because when he is at his dad's he sleeps in the same bed as him)
So was a fight to get him to sleep!

Well he returned our son supposedly given him dinner but he was starving had to make him a full dinner which he ate then ate loads of stuff (my son is a bad eater). Also he hadn't bathed him (that was supposed to be one of the reasons he wanted him as he missed bathing him)
He then also got his sister to escort him to my door!
I have wrote it all in my diary for he lawyer next week!
Yeah she is okay I hope she helps a little too as my parents can only help so much!
I just laughed when he said about the car tbh as he has told me what he does in his life is nothing to do with me and that's the way I will be treating him!
He didn't ask about our daughters check or anything so I'm guessing he is given up on seeing her.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 14/04/2016 18:40

Sorry you had a rough night. If it's usual that DS is very unsettled when he gets home AND if his father isn't caring for him adequately then you'll want to raise the issue of no more overnights with your lawyer. And have it spelled out that he is to feed him before bringing him home or worded as 'feed him a full dinner before returning him to you at XX o'clock'.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 14/04/2016 20:18

Across it is its because he sleeps in his bed with him and when he comes home he doesn't understand why he can't sleep in my bed when baby sleeps in my room. I have his father the bed we had in our house but he hasn't picked it up and doesn't understand why he should.

Yeah I'm going to the lawyer and I think we are going to have to do something.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 14/04/2016 21:30

To be honest Id have him in with you as his poor littke life is so mixed up at the moment, he could probably do with the security. Even if not in bed maybe a little bed on the floor.
The more comfort you give him now the less he wil be affected by it all. Poor little mite

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 14/04/2016 22:13

Ledkr we had a sleep over last night and I had a wee night with just me and him last week when he came back.
The problem is when baby cries and wakes him up he gets upset it's a shame.but I do try and have just me and him time everyday even if it's just in the garden.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 14/04/2016 22:32

Do you know what's upsetting him when baby cries? Is it simply that he's been woken up from a sound sleep or is it that 'I'm crying because someone else is crying' thing that toddlers do? Maybe if you can figure out what's going on in his little head you'll be able to figure a way to minimize it.

Unfortunately I don't have any suggestions. My two are 5 years apart and the problem never arose.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 14/04/2016 23:03

Across I have no idea the past 3 weeks or so all he does is say he is "sad" and cries. At night I think it's because baby is getting attention when she cries for a feed or what and he's feeling left out maybe?
I try and include him in everything I do with baby encourage him to hold her bottle or hand when I change her. He loves her so much and I can see that but I think not being the baby any more is effecting him.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/04/2016 23:19

Oh hurt ! I know you will have had great advice - and sending strength

He needs to fall in his face in a dog shit - seriously

Stay strong xxxxx

Iamdobby63 · 15/04/2016 10:35

Hurt, the issues with your son are understandable and not unusual. Big changes in his life and it takes time to adjust. Also with the best will in the world when we mothers are upset or stressed no matter how hard we try to hide it very sensitive children will pick up on it. It's not your fault and you are doing nothing wrong, he will adjust.

You are a wonderful mother and I'm sure you already give him lots of reassurances and attention. We can only do what feels right at the time. Try and make him feel like he is very special to the baby 'gosh! Look how much she loves you' - this will get easier as she grows and interacts more. Tell him how special he is to you as your first baby.

Get yourself prepared for the solicitors, finances, list of what's been taken, your notes re access etc.

Swipe left for the next trending thread