Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 ··· 12 13 14 ··· 22 23

Original poster

would you?

552 replies

hurtandconfued2016 · 15/03/2016 22:48

Just wondering my ex asked (more like demanded) me today when we where registering our daughter when he could see the kids again. Hasn't seen our son in a month and only met his daughter today (2 weeks old). I said that he couldn't take new baby away on his own I would need to be there whilst he is seeing her. He went mental at me and has now not bothered to make plans to see them tomorrow.
My question is would you give your 2 week old away for hours? I suggested going to soft play or something and we could rotate with the kids so we didn't have to sit near each other but he said no to that too..

OP posts:

Mellowautumn · 11/04/2016 12:30

Tell him its the only acess you are prepared to offer at the moment due to his behaviour. End of . you really need to tell them all to fuck off but in a more diplomatic way. You children need to take control of this situation.

Mellowautumn · 11/04/2016 12:31

Sorry your children need YOU to take control of the situation.

Iamdobby63 · 11/04/2016 12:31

Well it's not the fact that you don't want to be there it's the fact that you don't want to subject yourself to rudeness and abuse.

You are seeing health visitor tomorrow, ask about SS and contact centres.

I forget, are you breast feeding? Not that it should matter as she really is very young to be away from you.

Original poster

hurtandconfued2016 · 11/04/2016 14:25

Well- I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable he said because my parents watched her when I was in hospital why doesn't he get her overnight?

Mellow- he is now saying he doesn't want to see our daughter but he will still take my son
I am - he said it's just my way of blocking contact. Yeah seeing them at 2 tomorrow for the 6 week check so will have a good chat with her then.
I'm not had to give it up for a few reasons which sucks

OP posts:

Ledkr · 11/04/2016 18:52

Your mum had them when you were in hospital?? Ffs what was she supposed to do and where was he?
Jeeeesus, how you haven't murdered him by now I'll never know, horrible hideous bastard.

Original poster

hurtandconfued2016 · 11/04/2016 18:56

Ledkr yeah my mum took them because he said he has other obligations (going out for dinner with ow).
He dropped my son off at my dad at 6 pm now my dad has just fractured his spine! Then when my mum got back from hospital she took them. He said he isn't there for emergency childcare.
He still wants to take my son tomorrow I'm unsure of what to do

OP posts:

MrLogic · 11/04/2016 19:06

I hope he does not have dominant genes.

Original poster

hurtandconfued2016 · 11/04/2016 19:21

Mr logic - what do you mean?

OP posts:

Iamdobby63 · 11/04/2016 19:41

Why are you unsure about tomorrow? Because his parents are away?

You have made it clear that you are not stopping him from seeing your daughter but he doesn't want to 'give' at all on plans, all his way or nothing. Talk it out with the health visitor tomorrow and see what she suggests, and also about your concerns over his care of your son.

Original poster

hurtandconfued2016 · 11/04/2016 19:59

I guess I'm just worried about my little boy being away for a full day. I at least knew he was okay when I was there but I won't be and that worries me.

OP posts:

WellErrr · 11/04/2016 20:09

Is he his son?

Original poster

hurtandconfued2016 · 11/04/2016 20:24

Yeah he is

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 11/04/2016 21:47

How long is a "full day"? What time will your ds be picked up by his df and what time will he be returned?

Original poster

hurtandconfued2016 · 11/04/2016 22:13

He picks him at 11 am and returns him 6pm the following day

OP posts:

Ledkr · 11/04/2016 22:43

Look. I think you know the answer.
He's a fucking idiot who palms off his kid if something else comes along, shows you no respect or compassion or even basic human kindness.
He allows his parents act as his p.a. and them to steal from your house.
He takes parental leave to spend with his gf and doesn't once see his children or help you with your recovery.
He is manipulative and abusive.
Sort out contact in court, untill then trust your instincts and keep them close.

Iamdobby63 · 12/04/2016 10:11

Do you think your son would be in danger or do you just know that his needs won't be met efficiently?

He has had him overnight before, and you haven't been there, I realise you feel differently this stay because his parents are away but you don't actually know how active they were.

Original poster

hurtandconfued2016 · 12/04/2016 10:19

I don't think he would be in danger I just don't know if he will be looked after 100%. This is from when I lived with him when I would go to work my dad would be in his bed unwell and my little boy would come in nappy hanging at his ankles and not had dinner (7pm) just things like this.
But then I suppose I should trust that he could have changed.
He's had him 2 times without me, but knowing his parents won't be there worries me his mum is very heavily involved with looking after him. (Even when we were together she would take over when we were down visiting)
I guess I should trust him

OP posts:

WellErrr · 12/04/2016 10:39

From what you say, I wouldn't let him go. But you sound intimidated by him? What support do you have?

2ManySweets · 12/04/2016 10:50

I actually can't read this thread anymore, it's making me angry.

OP; I am sympathetic to your position. Your ex is a prize .

But re-read your last post and ask yourself WHY you are not taking better control of this farce?

Get a grip and stop typing every instalment in this soap opera up here for our "advice" and ignore it.

You're your kids' mum. Their dad obviously doesn't give a shit. You're so preoccupied with finding out what's making him tick the kids MAY be put at risk of being looked after poorly (by him). You can't trust him to look after them right so do THE RIGHT THING BY YOUR KIDS and don't let it happen.

Don't please say "oh he'll accuse me of withholding access". As 40million PPs have said, he's got to PROCTIVELY evidence he wants to see them. You force the issue, you risk hi neglecting them to get at you.

At best you need to get some self-respect, at worst you are at risk of permitting your kids to be neglected.

JerryFerry · 12/04/2016 11:42

Just omg.

I know you are in a very vulnerable state but this is ridiculous. And there is absolutely no need for the drama to continue.

Change locks
Change cellphone number and don't give him/his family the new one
Work with SS
Follow legal advice

And yes, you are putting your children in danger by enabling exposure to the high drama and their dropkick dad. Do not kid yourself they need this man in their lives. No, they need you to protect them from him. And until you can do that, you need to do the right thing by using professional support (lawyer, doctor, social worker, police)

If you cannot disengage for your own wellbeing, do it for the children's. And make no mistake, he does not care for them one jot and what is going on now is extremely unhealthy for them. They are tiny and precious, and need to be protected.

Original poster

hurtandconfued2016 · 12/04/2016 12:22

Well er - I currently stay at my parents till I get back on my feet.
I have let him take my son today I have said I will phone later to see how he is. He didn't ask about baby or anything.
I have my 6 week check today,councillor tomorrow and lawyer next week before the next scheduled visit so will get as much advice as I can.
I am going to stop writing on this as it seems some people are getting annoyed with it. All I was doing was looking for a bit of advice/support not to annoy people.

OP posts:

Iamdobby63 · 12/04/2016 12:26

Hurt, I think you need to get professional advice. Whilst you can withhold contact I doubt it would stand on the basis that you think he might not care actively enough with your son. However if he clearly isn't then you have actual reasons.

What I think is unfair is that your ex won't allow you to call your son at bedtime, and I think he should be forced to either by you or mediation or similar. You should be allowed to call and speak to your son at a set time. In my opinion anyway.

2ManySweets · 12/04/2016 12:26

Look, people give a shit. That's why everyone is trying to give you practical advice.

Sorry for the flames, but please just keep us updated with the positive steps you have taken...no matter how long they take.

Everyone here is imagine just wants you to cut this loser dead, move on and your family unit to flourish.

Iamdobby63 · 12/04/2016 12:30

Sorry Hurt, crossed posts.

Original poster

hurtandconfued2016 · 12/04/2016 12:35

Iam - I will phone later and see if he answers I have to call his house phone as his parents are leaving soon so will see if he answer. He said I should just accept he is with his dad and he doesn't see why I should speak to him.
2 many- I am tying to get help all the ways I can and one day I will be able to tell him to pee off!!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 ··· 12 13 14 ··· 22 23